Peep Booths - Your Input Requested!

[JackJack]

"Isn't marriage about compromise though?"

 

Yes. However most ppl don't wont to compromise their morals, values, intergrity etc. Most ppl stand by how they feel. If one has morals, they usually stand by how the feel. But of course what morals means to one person might be totally different for another. Your husband riding his motocycle becasue he likes it, is fine, but will a motocycle possibly bring home an STD? Will a motorcycle possibly develop an emotional attachement to someone else etc?

 

"If it doesn't hurt our marraige and he derives enjoyment from it why not allow it on occassion?

 

I can't say wheather it will hurt your marriage for sure or not. If I had to guess though, probably so at some point. Things like that do more damage than people realize. What would you do if he came home one night from the peep show, and says to you, "I'm in love with a woman from there?" Or, "I want to leave you for another?" Which sure that could happen even if he were not at peep shows.

 

"I don't have a moral problem with them?"

 

Since when? I thought your orginal post was how it bothers you he wants to go to these peep shows? There must be some concern there, and you must feel its at least a little morally wrong, or you wouldn't have posted. Unless you were wanting others to say, No its not wrong of him to go." However if you DO NOT have a moral problem with them, then I gues in your eyes its ok for him to go. Which is really the main thing here, reguardless of what others say here, if YOU feel its ok, then its ok. Just because some don't agree with YOUR choice doesn't mean we are right or wrong. I think ppl just wanted you to maybe see the whole picture. I know sometimes people will do whatever they can to try to hang on to their spouse/marriage etc, even if it means doing something deep down they know is probably not in the best interest of the marriage. It has to be your call though. Please continue to let us know how things are.

[lighthouse]

I don't mean to burst your "peep hole bubble" but what? You didn't see any (I can't even say it) holes but they are probably there. Did you take the advice that James gave you? Is he going to wear condoms? Whether he takes advantage of these "holes" or not is he going to be in any possible way bringing home ANYTHING that you would not want?

Sounds creepy to me - all around.

But if he wants "guy stuff" and needs "guy stuff" then more power to him, especially if he can convince you of the same thing.

If I were you and I was going to continue in this relationship I would be da*m sure to use condoms from now on.

Ewww.

Lighthouse

[lighthouse]

and yes, marriage is about compromise. As in, "I like the right side of the bed and so does he so I will learn to like the left side" or "I hate brussel sprouts and he hates broccoli so we will have corn instead." I don't think that peep shows are quite the same level and I am shocked that you would.

I would MUCH rather be swinging (which I don't think I would like but I would be more willing to try that) than the whole "peep hole" idea, particularly because of that word - HOLE.

And sure it is OK to him but ask him how he would feel if you wanted to earn a couple extra bucks so you wanted to work in a "peep hole." I bet he would be fine with that. NO. He would freak out and you know why, because he knows that it isn't as innocent as he is leading you to believe. But lordy, you are sure following so he doesn't have to lead much.

Again, ewwww.

[Guest's Friend]

I am Guest's friend of many years and we have spent a lot of time talking through everything that is going on. I want to thank you all for your honesty and insights. You have hit it on the head over and over. Kudos to you all for caring enough about someone else's pain to get "involved."

[JamesM]

Well, "guest's Friend," find a guy who can talk sense into "guest's" husband's head...and I mean the thinking head.

[insomnie]

OP, your husband is a selfish jerk. You should not have to rationalize fidelity in a marriage. He says you should have no problem with him jerking off in front of stripping women. But by the same logic, why should you have a problem with him going half a step further and touching them? After all, he wants to do it, it's just meaningless guy stuff, he'll be safe, he loves you, etc. He's being incredibly selfish and disrespectful for using these kinds of mind games on you when he promised fidelity by marrying you.

 

This has long surpassed the realm of what you compromise on IMO. Please grow a backbone and realize you won't keep this man by letting him walk all over you and your marriage. It sounds to me like in your mind compromise means I will let him do what he wants short of screwing others, and in return he won't abandon me. I hope you know that this is not how a healthy relationship works.

[Guest]

I read all your comments and had been thinking incessantly about the peep booths. The other might my husband could tell that something was wrong. I told him about the fact that I didn’t have a rational reason for him to not go to peep booths but that nonetheless I couldn’t help but be hurt by it.

 

He was wonderful and immediately told me that he would no longer go because he didn’t want to do anything that would hurt me. He was wonderful, and caring, and understanding, and told me that he really didn’t understand before that it would hurt me, that I had seemed OK with it, and that now that he knew he just wouldn’t go.

 

I was thrilled and had totally realized that I needed to communicate with him more openly about this stuff. I had assumed it would be a big conflict that he would be angry about, but it wasn’t. He was really wonderful about it.

 

We ended up having an argument that night anyway because he made a stupid comment about if I changed my mind to let him know, but we hashed all that out and are now on the same page and happy. We're in agreement that strip clubs AND peep booths are off limits, but he can knock himself out with any porn (DVDs, pics, vids, internet) that he wants. And I really have no problem as long as it doesn't have a negative impact on our sex life.

 

So that's that! Thanks so much for your help, everyone. You gave me the guts to say what I really wanted, and much to my pleasant surprise, my husband was completely undertstanding. Shame on me for not giving him enough credit. Yes he tried to convince me it was OK, but the very second I brought up that it would HURT me, he gave it up like a hot potato.

 

Thanks again!

 

Shelly

[JamesM]

Good luck. I hope all goes well.

 

Not to be a skeptic, but keep your eyes open.