Dating/friendship/jigga-wha???

[serial muse]

someone tell me what to make of this please. it's long, i know.

 

two months ago, i met a guy online. he was very eager to talk, meet, etc., and after chatting for a week or so over the phone (he called just about every night and talked my ear off...which i liked ) i agreed to meet him.

 

so we go out on our first date. it's awesome. spent 8 hours together - dinner, dessert, nighttime walk, kiss. kissing. lovely. yay. he asks if i want to do something in a couple of days (he has to work the next day). i say okay.

 

we meet up, and immediately i know something's up. uh oh, i think. but he spends the afternoon with me, doesn't seem in a hurry to go anywhere. then, driving me home, he tells me that he needs to let me know that he doesn't like to rush physically and kissing on the first date's a bit quick for him. okay, i say. i'm a bit crushed, but it's true that he said something to that effect in his profile. so he's consistent.

 

he suggests we go to the movies in a few days and says he'll call. no call. by now i'm about ready to write him off, figured he's not that into me. he does eventually call, seems to have forgotten about plans, i mentally shrug - disappointed, but what're you gonna do? he's not that interested. i go on with things.

 

okay.a couple of days later he calls again to chat. we chat for about an hour or so - he's loads of fun to talk to, and apparently he's enjoying himself, too. fine, i think, maybe he wants to be friends? he'd be a fun friend. so we end up making plans for that weekend to hang out - it's his birthday. we go to the zoo, lots of fun, spent hours together, etc. i am, by now, confused, but determined not to get too invested.

 

of course, i really like him though, so i don't know what to think. then a few days later, he calls and finally clues me in - his ex came back into the picture. dunno when exactly, but i guess it roughly coincides with the weekend of our first date. she's out of town, but returning after several months of internship, and wants to get back together with him. he wants to try.

 

sigh. okay. what can i do about that? he says, very earnestly, that he didn't know anything about it when he first started contacting me and he was sincerely pursuing me. and i guess only me. but now she wants him back.

 

so, okay. he then tells me he's had so so much fun with me and if i want to, he'd like to still hang out together, just "differently". i tell him i'll have to think about that, but that i understand and good luck.

 

a few days later, after thinking about it, i decide, what the hell. it was already sort of that way anyway, and it's true, i really enjoy his company. so i write him a very nice, friendly note and say, hey, if you're genuinely interested in remaining friends, i'd like to too - and if not, no hard feelings and best of luck.

 

so, i never hear another peep out of him. yeah, disappointing. not sure why, but whatever, he's got a new relationship to focus on. i just wish he hadn't bothered to make such a big deal out of the friendship thing, because now i feel doubly burned.

 

so that brings us to the present. it's been about 2 months since we last spoke. i was back online, doing my thing - and then, as i'm scrolling through people, i see him. online again. (he never deleted his profile, but was inactive this whole time). so he's back again. but hasn't contacted me, of course.

 

so this is what i'm wondering. is it worth pursuing a friendship with this guy? out of pride, i haven't emailed or anything, since he never responded to my friendship email. i thought about it, and i don't think i want to date him again. or more accurately, i'm much too proud to ask him out at this point. i don't want to embarrass myself by pursuing a relationship with someone who clearly isn't that interested in that with me.

 

but i don't know if pride should also stand in the way of pursuing friendship. i'm wondering if i should feel equally blown off as a friend - i mean, back then he obviously had other things to think about - i.e. restarting a relationship. i could see how a girlfriend wouldn't be crazy about her guy hanging out with people he met through the personals. but clearly, she isn't the issue now. i could also see how he might have just felt awkward about the whole thing, because it is awkward. but if i'm willing to deal with it, why wouldn't he be?

 

i guess i'm just confused about the friendship thing. can someone be not that into you as a friend, too?

 

it's just weird. i could have sworn he was, back then. i thought it was just conflict avoidance. i guess i'm wondering if that's still it, in which case, i'm cool to call - or if he'd really rather i just never popped up again. in which case, ugh.

 

anybody know where i'm coming from with this?

[blind_otter]

Lee Iacocca does. Lee has had this experience before.

 

Lee had pondered this (for the amount of time it took to read the post) and thought to himself, you know, who needs more friends? Especially ones as flakey as this guy has already proven to be.

 

He would probably be what is known as "single friend"....the person who hangs out with his friends when he is between relationships, but when IN a relationship, invests so much of his time with the romantic interest that he has none leftover for his friends. Who wait patiently until he breaks up.

 

Lee's just saying this to the turd who ate LS.

[burning 4 revenge]

Most straight guys aren't that interested in keeping female friends unless their name is burning 4 revenge and your a friend of his on LS.

 

Lee had lots of female friends, but the auto-workers in Detroit all know about his secret stash of Barry Manilow records and the letters from John Cheever.

 

I'm just saying

[serial muse]

so is lee saying, in essence, not to bother trying to establish friendship? because you gotta ask yourself, how many friends do we need, anyway?

 

sigh. dang it all to heck anyway, lee. he would've been a super-fun friend.

 

not very reliable though. so there's that.

 

 

 

 

the turd has an insatiable hunger for LS...brains....braaaaaiiinnsss......

[tinktronik]

Too true not many straghties left out there listening to Barry or wearing thong undies .Im just sayin'

[serial muse]

Most straight guys aren't that interested in keeping female friends unless their name is burning 4 revenge and your a friend of his on LS.

 

Lee had lots of female friends, but the auto-workers in Detroit all know about his secret stash of Barry Manilow records and the letters from John Cheever.

 

I'm just saying

 

hm, that's innerestin' b4r. so do you think, as a friend of mine does, that he was basically keeping me on the back burner in case things didn't work out? i.e. not interested in friendship in the first place, just didn't want me to hate him.

 

because clearly he has now removed me from the burner and put me back in the cupboard. behind the corn starch. to continue a metaphor.

[blind_otter]

so is lee saying, in essence, not to bother trying to establish friendship? because you gotta ask yourself, how many friends do we need, anyway?

 

sigh. dang it all to heck anyway, lee. he would've been a super-fun friend.

 

not very reliable though. so there's that.

 

 

 

 

the turd has an insatiable hunger for LS...brains....braaaaaiiinnsss......

 

 

Thank God Lee Iacocca has no brains.

 

Anyways, I think you only THINK he would have been a super fun friend. I mean think about it. If he's such a wet noodle that he will offer up friendship but flake out when his old flame returns, I don't think you would be getting very much from the friendship.

 

You are a gem, SM. You deserve to have friends that seek YOU out for fun, fashion, fitness, and fulfillment.

[Touche]

The way I see it, the ball is in his court now. He knew you were amenable to a friendship. So no. I would not contact him.

[serial muse]

aw. thanks lee. that means a lot, coming from you. because as everybody knows, lee knows fashion!

 

that's hott.

[blind_otter]

and another thing, I had a friend. I believe I used to refer to him as "Sgt. Bosco" from the A-team, on here, but who knows. I can't keep track....

 

anyways he totally used me (retrospectively, I used him to) as a platonic girlfriend. When he was broken up with his REAL girlfriend (and I was broken up as well) we would talk on the phone for hours. Watch the food network together, on the phone (how gay is that)...usually Rachel Ray. We went out to dinner, to coffee, watched movies together.

 

Only one time did I ever catch him waving his weenis around but he put it away directly after a penis withering glance from me.

 

Anyways, the effort for friendship was always, totally, completely on MY end. I think initially there was interest, but he cooled off when he realized that my second toes are longer than my first toes (foot fetish, don't ask). Well yeah, we did makeout a lot back in the day now that i recall.

 

This is becoming a novel. I'm avoiding the TPS reports.

 

But I was the one who wanted to be his friend. I thought he was ultra cool and funny and we shared a lot of the same opinions on stupid things. I persued the friendship, but as soon as I stopped doing all the friendship type work (calling him, asking him to hang out, whatever) -- things just petered out anyways.

[serial muse]

The way I see it, the ball is in his court now. He knew you were amenable to a friendship. So no. I would not contact him.

 

yah, right you are. well who needs him! i'm extremely busy and important anyway. plus, i'm starting a bollywood dance class shortly, so that'll require all of my spare attention. you know how it is.

[blind_otter]

yah, right you are. well who needs him! i'm extremely busy and important anyway. plus, i'm starting a bollywood dance class shortly, so that'll require all of my spare attention. you know how it is.

 

you beyotch! I'm jealous.

 

and you are not only busy and important, but HOTT.

[burning 4 revenge]

hm, that's innerestin' b4r. so do you think, as a friend of mine does, that he was basically keeping me on the back burner in case things didn't work out? i.e. not interested in friendship in the first place, just didn't want me to hate him.

 

Now you see it.

 

Besides, if it were me I might be afraid that our new friendship could develop non-platonic aspects, even though they may remain physically unexpressed and that those feelings may threaten the already vunerable relationship with the ex.

[serial muse]

and another thing, I had a friend. I believe I used to refer to him as "Sgt. Bosco" from the A-team, on here, but who knows. I can't keep track....

 

anyways he totally used me (retrospectively, I used him to) as a platonic girlfriend. When he was broken up with his REAL girlfriend (and I was broken up as well) we would talk on the phone for hours. Watch the food network together, on the phone (how gay is that)...usually Rachel Ray. We went out to dinner, to coffee, watched movies together.

 

Only one time did I ever catch him waving his weenis around but he put it away directly after a penis withering glance from me.

 

Anyways, the effort for friendship was always, totally, completely on MY end. I think initially there was interest, but he cooled off when he realized that my second toes are longer than my first toes (foot fetish, don't ask). Well yeah, we did makeout a lot back in the day now that i recall.

 

This is becoming a novel. I'm avoiding the TPS reports.

 

But I was the one who wanted to be his friend. I thought he was ultra cool and funny and we shared a lot of the same opinions on stupid things. I persued the friendship, but as soon as I stopped doing all the friendship type work (calling him, asking him to hang out, whatever) -- things just petered out anyways.

 

i remember you writing about him, back in the day. he sux donkey balls. i'm just sayin'.

 

but yeah, those kinds of friends are so draining. and it's like, you can't even see how much energy you've been putting into someone until you stop, cold turkey, and it all just falls with a whump!. and you wonder why you bothered.

 

aren't most people's second toes longer than their big toes? i thought the short-second-toe thing was recessive. must google.

[tinktronik]

i remember you writing about him, back in the day. he sux donkey balls. i'm just sayin'.

 

but yeah, those kinds of friends are so draining. and it's like, you can't even see how much energy you've been putting into someone until you stop, cold turkey, and it all just falls with a whump!. and you wonder why you bothered.

 

aren't most people's second toes longer than their big toes? i thought the short-second-toe thing was recessive. must google.

See and just FYI , you just said it .Those relationships are draining , so this guy would'nt have been fun anyway . You dodged the bullet. First toes being shorter than second toes are strange, Im just sayin'I have a friend who won't date girls with that trait.You ladies are better off without him , trust me.

[serial muse]

you beyotch! I'm jealous.

 

and you are not only busy and important, but HOTT.

 

 

i am currently choosing between bollywood (which apparently has elements of hiphop okaaay) and bhangra classes. but i hear the men get to do most of the jumping around in bhangra.

 

Now you see it.

 

Besides, if it were me I might be afraid that our new friendship could develop non-platonic aspects, even though they may remain physically unexpressed and that those feelings may threaten the already vunerable relationship with the ex.

 

well, i think he's broken up with the ex again...i'm not saying yes and i'm not saying no, but it may be that the idea of friendship developing non-platonic aspects had strolled through my mind in a not unwelcome way. but i wouldn't have even considered intruding in that way if he were still dating her.

 

or maybe he's just screwing around on her online! gah, who knows. none of my beeswax, it would seem.

 

bzz.

[serial muse]

See and just FYI , you just said it .Those relationships are draining , so this guy would'nt have been fun anyway . You dodged the bullet. First toes being shorter than second toes are strange, Im just sayin'I have a friend who won't date girls with that trait.You ladies are better off without him , trust me.

 

hee, i love this post because it just jumped all over the place. fun!

[burning 4 revenge]

Obviously he's attracted to you and the last thing a guy wants is a girl he's attracted to being his "buddy".

 

I have a guy friend who does keep a lot of female buddies, some of whom he's attracted to, but he's in a very stable long-term relationship so there's not much emotional vunerability there.

[basscatcher]

i remember you writing about him, back in the day. he sux donkey balls. i'm just sayin'.

 

but yeah, those kinds of friends are so draining. and it's like, you can't even see how much energy you've been putting into someone until you stop, cold turkey, and it all just falls with a whump!. and you wonder why you bothered.

 

aren't most people's second toes longer than their big toes? i thought the short-second-toe thing was recessive. must google.

 

Investing more then another person? Hmmm, isn't that a type of co-dependency?

 

As for second toe longer. Mines not..

Then again I have German/French feet.

short stubby toes.

that gracefully get shorter as they go out.

wide paws for good balance and cavewoman barefooting around

and skinny heels for those high heeled shoes!!

 

And I do have brains. So longer toes don't mean more brains.!!!

[tinktronik]

hee, i love this post because it just jumped all over the place. fun!

Im sorry , I drink like 18 cups of coffee before 6:30 .Then I blade all oevr my neighborhood and get to giving classes , so by this time of the day I have very little thought processing left .the caffine has completely saturated my brain.

[serial muse]

i had to take my shoe off to look at my feet. check it: my big toe and second toe are the same size.

 

seriously, you guys, you've made me feel a lot better, talking this out. thanks.