zeroman Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I did the unthinkable and cheated on my gf of 3 yrs with a prostitute. The motivation was just to have sex with another woman. Not much more than that. I love my gf dearly, we talk about marriage all the time. First thing to do is to get tested for STDs. That's a given. Assuming I'm clean, I'm leery to divlulging this b/c I know I'd destroy her, the relationship, family would be crushed (they love me), my family would be crushed, my friends would think I'm scum. Now, I may be, but if you knew me, you'd be shocked at my actions. This is not my style. Never even kissed another girl while dating. Never even slept around while a party animal in college. But alas I have to live with what I've done. I'm incredibly remorseful and horrified. My personal life was something I'd always been proud of (good friends, family, and gf). Now this. I did use a condom and again, will get tested. I just am a basket case right now and can't tell anybody I know so am using this forum to vent. I'm still tripping off what I did. I think all men have urges but we usually can suppress them. What should I do? Your thoughts? Men are dogs by the way. That's a fact.
Sally00 Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 You don't love her if you cheated on her... especially with a prostitute... That is something we don't call LOVE. Keeping this inside forever is going to be preeeetty hard to do. And if you plan on spending that forever with your girlfriend, you're going to be living a lie the entire time. She doesn't deserve that kind of life...
megnog Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 i hate to break it to you but you need to tell her. you can't live like that.. its not healthy. plus, think of her. think of how much you "love her". how could you do that and not tell her? i don't know, i've dated my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and if he ever did that to me, i would really hope he'd tell me .. thats really bad. damnit you know what . men are scum i hate them all. i'm sorry but i've always been really insecure and jealous-type and this kills me. it happens over and over again. seriously though, a prostitute? what were you thinking?
SoleMate Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 My thoughts? Sure. Your gf really does deserve honesty. However, the way you're headed, you're likely to decide for her that she doesn't "really" want or need it. I don't agree she'd be "destroyed". She'd be horribly hurt and angry, and you're right, the r/s would take a body blow from which it may never recover. But I can guarantee you that she, herself, will survive. So please quit using that argument. There's someone else who deserves honesty - YOU. There's something here that you're not telling us. Why, at this one moment in time, did your "biological urges" get the best of every other factor? Just a random event? Or maybe tehre were contributing events - in which case your gf is doubly deserving of knowing exactly what set this off, so she can judge her chances. You're not the ultimate scum. You're beating yourself up excessively for a temporary lapse in judgment. AND you're making your error far worse by compounding it with continued dishonesty. Check our "stargazer"'s story - infidelity coming back to haunt him from beyond the grave. You just can't undo this, and you know, you really can't cover it up either. The effort to do so may actually destroy YOU.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Look guy, what you did is no big deal. Better a prostitute than a female friend that could lead to a relationship. That could be far more consequential ,right? So you wanted to taste another woman. That's what prostitutes are there for. Just take a deep breath and put this in perspective. And you'd be a fool to tell her and hurt her over nothing.
rainfall Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Look guy, what you did is no big deal. Better a prostitute than a female friend that could lead to a relationship. That could be far more consequential ,right? So you wanted to taste another woman. That's what prostitutes are there for. Just take a deep breath and put this in perspective. And you'd be a fool to tell her and hurt her over nothing. Please tell me this was written as a joke......... No you do not love her because if you really loved this women you would never have had sex with someone esle no matter how bad you wanted to see what it was like. Just the thought of it hurting someone you "love" should have been enough to stop you from doing it. Do your girlfriend a favor and break up with her she deserves to be with someone who loves her and would never cheat one her. I'm sorry but I just don't see how you can claim to love someone but just go and sleep with a prostitute. It is disgusting and your girlfriend deserves much much better. Sorry if I sound harsh but I have been cheated on before by someone who claimed to love me and thankfully I had enough commen sense to dump their sorry butt and find a real man who would never do that.
zero man Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 thanks for the input. of course I agree with burning 4 revenge. he tells me what i want to hear. i think a prostitute: A) sounds horrible and is sleezy; but b) does underscore that it had nothing to do with needing emotional attachment. i do love her dearly but slipped badly. is my relationship perfect? hell no. but all relationships (like families) are bit f----d up in some way or another. i think i need a month to think things over and to be abstinent (till i get cleared with the stds) and then will evaluate things and make thought-out decision for a change. i will say this, although i wont' get into details, i firmly, believe that "substances" had a role in this and i'll just leave it at that. one thing to keep in mind: 1) biologically men are designed to have sex a lot, women arent. that's why men produce millions of sperm up until their 80s and women produce far less eggs that deplete in their 40s. of course humans are smart and can use judgement (or their right hand) to fight off those urges. anyway, i appreciate your input. the "should I tell" issue is very polarizing. there are good arguments on both sides.
zero - man Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 i expected harsh responses. no problem. i do think the male and female perspective may differ a little. those that say you have to tell actually don't provide a lot of good reasons why one should other than " you should be honest". if you look at the risk-reward ratio, it doesn't make sense to divulge. i do love her and am more privy to details than the rest of you. people hurt people they love and again substances are/were an issue. but alas, something has to be wrong for me to do that. as i indicated before, substances might be at the core and blame that for messing with a pro. however, something's wrong when u mess with a dirty pro and I need to reassess things. a break-up might be the best idear b/c she deserves better. i'll mull it over.
insomnie Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 And you'd be a fool to tell her and hurt her over nothing. Are you kidding? Over NOTHING?? He did it with a PROSTITUTE! "Will cheat on you with prostitutes" is one character flaw I'd like to be made aware of before I get more serious with (aka marry) someone. If you care about this girl as much as you say you do, OP, dbe fair to her. She deserves not to be deceived about what kind of a person you are. Let her know. How premeditated was this? I want to know how you let it happen. I mean, we all have "urges"...but of us manage to remain in control. At least in control enough not to get into bed with hookers.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 You guys are insane if you think a prostitute is worth his relationship of three years. I'd be much more worried about the guy who starts things with girls he's not paying. Don't be rash OP. Consider the consequences before you heed the advice of these women. And from their reactions to your post I think you can anticipate what kind of reaction your gf might have. It's not worth it.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Are you kidding? Over NOTHING?? He did it with a PROSTITUTE! "Will cheat on you with prostitutes" is one character flaw I'd like to be made aware of before I get more serious with (aka marry) someone I don't consider it cheating. It's not like it's real.
rainfall Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 You guys are insane if you think a prostitute is worth his relationship of three years. I'd be much more worried about the guy who starts things with girls he's not paying. Don't be rash OP. Consider the consequences before you heed the advice of these women. And from their reactions to your post I think you can anticipate what kind of reaction your gf might have. It's not worth it. I'm sorry but I just don't see how you can seriously justify this behavior. Regardless of if it was meaningless one night sex with a hooker or a month long affair the fact is he cheated on his girlfriend. He basically showed that he feels their relationship is not important and meaningless sex with another women is. I am sure many men wonder what it would be like to have sex with a women besides their SO the difference between a real man is scum is whether or not they act on it.
rainfall Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I don't consider it cheating. It's not like it's real. Sex is sex whether there is money involved or not so how exactly is it not "real?"
Author zeroman Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 i know b4r, don't worry, i've noticed a difference in the advice men and women are giving. i've read similiar threads so i know what to expect. i do think the prostitute sounds worse than it is. (assuming i'm clean with stds). here's why: 1) no emotional investment; (i'm not remotely close to having the hots for any ladies. get this, i have an old college *platonic* college friend. she just moved to my hood. haven't seen her in 7 yrs. we had plans for an innocent lunch but i cancelled b/c i didn't want to deal with any potential drama with my gf b/c it wasn't worth it. again, substances in my opinion played a role. i'm trying to rationalize a bit. here's 1 thing we can agree on: I need to get tested for stds. any advice on how to go about getting tested? should I wait a while to see if I've contracted something (i.e., it's been 3 days...should i wait 1-2 weeks?). What stds should i get tested for.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 It's no threat to the relationship. The only thing threatening his relationship, or his gf's feelings would be to do what you guys are telling him to do. The scummy thing would be to tell her.
rainfall Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 It's no threat to the relationship. The only thing threatening his relationship, or his gf's feelings would be to do what you guys are telling him to do. The scummy thing would be to tell her. How is it no threat to the relationship? He doesn't value his girlfriend or his realtionship or he would not have slept with a hooker in the first place. Some people might not care if they are in a relationship with someone who loves and values them and would never cheat on them but his girlfriend obviously does or he would not be here posting asking what he should do. He would of told her and it would have been no big deal.
stoopid_guy Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Sex is sex whether there is money involved or not so how exactly is it not "real?" But sex and love-making are two different things. A prostitute isn't much more (sexually) than a masturbation tool that might spread desease. Yes, he screwed up. He did wrong. But assuming he's clean, there's no reason to hurt his GF by telling. If the prostitutes became a habit, it might be different. But a few minutes? Zeroman; Just curious, what motivated you to see the prostitute?
Pink Amulet Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Let me ask one thing zeroman- Is your GF the type of woman to end your relationship on discovering this incident? Or is she a "work at it" type? Two sides to this... either you break her heart knowing full well she would stay with you anyway, or you withold the truth and base the rest of the relationship on a fallacy (the fallacy being that she is with someone she would not be with if she knew the truth).
Author zeroman Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 stoopid, i was really agro since i was coming down of a certain "substance" which i do abuse. i, like most guys, started getting riled up at the notion that i'd only have sex with this person for the rest of my life, and bugged out. i did it b/c it was ez, no emotional attachment, and lastly, there wouldn't be the communication issues (i.e., friend could spill the beans). i consciously did it with a pro (any slut would have sufficied) b/c i wasn't trying to get close to anyone emotionally. my gf satisfies taht. she's of course cuter than the pro, but that's a given . having sex with the same person, at least for a guy, for the rest of your life is not something we look forward to. if u think that's wrong, you've got blinders on. that's reality. normally, that urge gets checked via the right hand and porn, but I'm telling you i was suffering from some mad drug "come downs" and bugged out. i have past experiences where i did some really reactive, crazy stuff in response to withdrawls. don't say i don't love her. i can attest to that being wrong. in fact, i love my gf 10x more than my ex but i never came close to cheating on my ex. and, yes, of course i have other issues to deal with...
Author zeroman Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 pink, i'd be shocked if she'd stay with me. it would be over. she's really insecure about this kind of thing. she's had a tough life and this would be an unbelievable blow. as for me, it would probably be worse. she'd tell her friends, perhaps her family. ugh, that would be it. talk about humiliation. the guilt sure as hell wouldn't go away then either. clearly, i've made up my mind but good to get this stuff in the open. also, if i did such a thing again, i would end the relationship immediately. i will say that stuff like this makes porn not so bad. ladies, embrace the porn. promote the porn!
lindya Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 How is it no threat to the relationship? He doesn't value his girlfriend or his realtionship or he would not have slept with a hooker in the first place. These "If he loved me, he would/wouldn't do A, B and C" rules might make life seem straightforward, but they totally ignore the realities of life. We're all flawed, and we all screw up sometimes. Love doesn't alter that, it just motivates us to try a bit harder to improve ourselves for the loved one.
rainfall Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 But sex and love-making are two different things. A prostitute isn't much more (sexually) than a masturbation tool that might spread desease. Yes, he screwed up. He did wrong. But assuming he's clean, there's no reason to hurt his GF by telling. If the prostitutes became a habit, it might be different. But a few minutes? Zeroman; Just curious, what motivated you to see the prostitute? It is still cheaing regardless of whether it is sex or love making. His GF deserves better.
stoopid_guy Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 It is still cheaing regardless of whether it is sex or love making. His GF deserves better. Your opinion. However, you don't really know him, you don't really know the GF, and you don't really know the "why."
rainfall Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Your opinion. However, you don't really know him, you don't really know the GF, and you don't really know the "why." Same could be said for you. I just don't see how anyone could justify this as being ok. It really amazes me. Yes people mess up and make mistakes however I just don't see how he could knowing and purposefully do something like this to someone he loves.
stoopid_guy Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Same could be said for you. I just don't see how anyone could justify this as being ok. It really amazes me. Yes people mess up and make mistakes however I just don't see how he could knowing and purposefully do something like this to someone he loves. I never said it was OK, I'd just like to know more. I'm also not sure whether or not he should tell her or whether or not "she deserves better."
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