ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Here I am again looking for some advice... I am starting to except the fact that my husband and I are going separate ways. In my other post you can read how my husband left me, I struggled with it, cried alot, had a hard time sleeping for the first 3 weeks. I found myself checking are cell phone bill looking for a sign there might be another women, I didnt find anything... Ive found myself attracted to another man. I really dont know what to expect from it, but honestly it has been nice to have someone to talk too. I really enjoy spending time with this guy.. He makes me forget about my husband and all the sad feelings that goes with him leaving me.. The past 2 weeks I have been talking two this guy, actually a ex-b. Well the problem is my ex-b is married, He has told me that he doesnt love his wife the way a husband should love a wife... He has opened up alot about his feelings, he calls almost everyday, we talk about anything and everything... I am so confused... I really enjoy talking to him, but honestly I feel strange with the fact he is married... I told him that.. He doesnt come on to me, we dont even kiss, we just talk... I told him if he was my husband I would be real mad if he was talking to another women. He responded, "there is only one person in his marriage", I just dont know what he is trying to say... When we are talking, we do talk about the past when we were together. The weird part is he remebers everything about us, I dont remeber a thing. We did live together but it was for a short time. I even found myself asking if we ever had sex, and he responded of course.. But I dont remeber, I know it sounds stupid, but serious I dont remeber what it was like or anything.. But he does.. Matter of fact he seems to remeber everything in our relationship... The only thing I remeber is we lived together, we broke up, I was hurt, but the hurt went away and then I met my husband... I find myself very growing attached to him, wanting to know more, forgetting the fact he is married... He insists she knows he talks to me. But I dont know, I am still not over my husband, but having a friend is helping me move forward with out my husband... So confused, I know in my heart it is wrong. But my mind is telling me we are just friends, there is nothing going on between us. On the other hand I find myself very attracted to him.. any thoughts on this... Back to my husband, we talk more, he has even came over and stayed. He keeps giving me the impression that even tho we are living in two different homes, we are still in a marriage... I asked him, how many married people do you know that live in separate homes and the marriage survives... He said nobody, well see my point, how can a marriage survive the fact we are in separate homes doing separate things.
dgiirl Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Hun, you are in a very dangerous place and I think you know this. You are attracted to your friend, your friend is attracted to you. It doesnt matter if you two havent done anything yet. The attraction is strong enough to lead you into trouble. Your friend is testing the waters with you before he even contemplates leaving his wife. If he was really this unhappy, why hasnt he left already? And if he's willing to sit on the fence with his own wife, what do you think he'll do to you? You havent been separated that long, and I can understand you wanting the affection and attention, but your friend is not the one to do it. If he was just a friend, it would have been ok. But the truth of the matter is he is not just a friend. You are attracted to him. You are talking about your past relationship. You're wondering how life will be like with him. This is not a friendship but an infatuation. You're walking a really thin line and his wife will see you as the other woman. IMO, you need to walk away and let him fix his own life. Once he can fix his own situation, then maybe you two can have a friendship or more.
Lor Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Hey Al, dgiirl is right on the money. What you feel for this guy is not real, its fake. He's talking to you, actually listening, paying attention--all those things you don't have right now. He hears you, doesn't he? Knows what you are feeling, no one else can understand. But think about it--you don't remember him that well. What does that tell you? I'm gonna tell you about how my "friend" did that to me. He and his wife were supposed to be my best friends, I'd call up and talk to him or her. Next thing I know, I'm talking to him all the time, for hours, he's telling me he's not happy, so on and so forth, just like you. One night I showed up crying cuz I'd finally realized my H didn't love me anymore and I got drunk. He tried to take advantage of me. Last person in the world I thought would do that. Trust your instincts; if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. You are craving the attention, nursing it, reveling in it. But its a fantasy. If you need to know for sure, call his wife and talk to her, make sure she knows you're talking to him. Bet you'd find out in a hurry that she doesn't know. She doesn't know his feelings toward their marriage also, I'd bet. I could be wrong but..... You've taken some steps forward, don't let this pull you back. You are gonna make it, it just takes time.
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 dgirl and lori, you two are right. I know this is wrong to be attracted to a married man, I know I wouldnt want another women to be calling my husband... The only and I mean the only good thing about talking to him, is forgetting about my husband not being with me... Last night my husband came over, on his own.. I tried to sit there to see if he could start a conversation, but he was more interested in playing with the dog... Then I told him, I cant keep living like this, if he is going to stay living at his mom then I am going to have to let him go.. I do love him so very much. Ive tried everything to show him he needs me.. By the way it looks the only thing he needs from me is sexxxxxx... I told him not this time, I am worth more then a bootycall. He really didnt say anything, he started watching tv, and before I knew it he was asleep.. I just left him alone, I figured he just had a long day, maybe a hard day at work.. To be honest, I dont even think he even cared what I was trying to tell him.. When he was getting to leave this morning, he came up to me, hugged and kissed me and said he loves me....... How much more can I take of this....... I guess this is what makes talking to my married ex easy..
Wolfp Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Sweetheart, From my perspective, he is angling for a quick hit. I have seen it happen to many over my years in the military, husbands away for extended periods, wife is lonely, hurt, confused...she starts feeling sorry for herself and the next thing you know, a 'Prince Charming' comes along and starts providing the emotional support she craves. Next thing you know, she falls into bed with him, he gets what he wants and leaves a wreck behind. Because the community is close, word gets back to the husband and ya esta, they head for the divorce courts due to infidelity. Double trouble. Not exactly your case but very similar. Us fellah's can be pretty manipulative when we want to be and our internal risk versus gain meter tells us its worth a shot, and this sounds like what is happening. Most of us (men) have the experience under our belts to play on emotions otherwise we wouldnt be able to get a wife in the first place all it takes is a little tweak or nudge here and there. You might want to look at this in the manner of he is a shark, there is blood in the water, and he is moving in for the kill. I would say that if you did start sumfink up with the yahoo, it would end rather quickly once he got into your pants. May sound harsh, but its just my perspective. Keep him at arms length would be my counsel. Also...put yourself in his wife's shoes, if you got wind of something like this happening, what would you do or how would you react? I dont think you want to start looking over your shoulder, checking your car for bombs or having to invest in a ballistic vest. PPL can be vindictive. What is it?..Hell hath no fury like a women scorned.
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 today all I have been doing is crying... I just hate this feelin, depressed. I keep looking for a answer to fix this, but I know I cant fix this alone. Finacially I am hurting, my husband doesnt seem to care.. My life is falling apart. ...
Gunny376 Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 now ~ sixteen years ago. The wife left for OM, took my children, everything worth stealing. (I laid down for the sake of the children) There is another side of all of this! At the time I thought it was the worse thing that ever happened to me. Sixteen years later ~ I can see it was one of the best. (And, No! Its doesn't takes sixteen years! LOL! You'll find happiness when you look within yourself for it)
dgiirl Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 lol 16 years gunny??? lol I can atleast attest that it will not take that long, unless you let it happen 2005, valentines day, my heart was ripped from my chest. I was completely devastated. I finally understood what a broken heart meant because I could actually feel the pain inside my chest. You can even read my history here to see where I was mentally back then. The only advice I can offer, is something that I read frequently, the quickest way to get past the pain is to go through the pain. You have to experience it, let yourself grieve, and let it all out. It was probably the most hardest painful experience I've ever gone through, but going through it, made me realize how precious life really is, made me take a serious look at my life and pointed me in the direction of where I can be happy. But you cannot get there unless you do the work. I never thought the pain would ever go away. I never thought I would ever be happy. I never thought I would want to meet new people. And although I still have things to work on, I can tell you that i'm worlds apart from where I was. But the beginning starts with you. You are in complete control over what makes you happy or sad. And the more you focus on you and less on other people, the more in control you feel, and you begin to heal. If you want to cry, let yourself cry. I cried 24/7 for 6 months. And then I still cried daily for a few more months, then weekly, then monthly. But by letting out all that emotion, I think i've learned to see what I really want in life and am starting to go after it It takes time AND effort to get through this. Put in the effort, and let time take care of the rest.
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Letting go is hard.. There is time I feel like Ive let go and dont want to look back, after a while I start feeling alone, abandoned wondering about the what if's. I am sitting here all alone wishing for a mircle, wanting to hold on to my relationship and never let go, but I know I have too.. He tells me he loves me, but how can this be love. :lmao: Tomorrow, I plan on starting a new chapter in my life. No matter how hard its going to be, I am letting go.
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Letting go is hard.. There is time I feel like Ive let go and dont want to look back, after a while I start feeling alone, abandoned wondering about the what if's. I am sitting here all alone wishing for a mircle, wanting to hold on to my relationship and never let go, but I know I have too.. He tells me he loves me, but how can this be love. :lmao: Tomorrow, I plan on starting a new chapter in my life. No matter how hard its going to be, I am letting go.
Gunny376 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Letting go is hard.. There is time I feel like Ive let go and dont want to look back, after a while I start feeling alone, abandoned wondering about the what if's. I am sitting here all alone wishing for a mircle, wanting to hold on to my relationship and never let go, but I know I have too.. He tells me he loves me, but how can this be love. :lmao: Tomorrow, I plan on starting a new chapter in my life. No matter how hard its going to be, I am letting go. "IF" grasshoppers had .45 pistols? Crows wouldn't **** with them!" But, the don't! And so they do! The first thing that you need to be working on is on learning how to be silent, being alone, and being still ~ and liking it. Try it. Yea! Its hard, its frightening. But, after awhile you get to where you like it. No one to be accountable to but yourself ~ but in the end you find that you're one hard task master. I've been a member here for a couple of months. Learned a lot. Opened my eyes to a lot of things. Discovered that what I've gone through wasn't so unique, so un-common. Most of it is about discovery. Of life, of your husband, of yourself. We've all been fed a bunch of myths and fallacies about how and what life is about. Divorce is REALITY crashing through the front door with a 4X4 monstor truck. Shattering all of those fallacies and myths. For some, its divorce. Hurricane Katrina certainly Mr. R showing up! So was 9/11. The reality of how just precious life is, and how short it is. The time to get real about you life is right here and right now. This **** is really happening to you! You're really are going through this. Running from your marriage into another relationship is not the answer. You and I got into this mess ~ because we didn't have the answers to the questions nor the solutions to the problems when we first started out. Its about learing and its about growning.
Lor Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Hey, you know, you are gonna wonder if the pain will ever go away. You can wake up fine one day and be crying for the next two for no apparent reason. Its called Grieving. dgiirl is right, pretty soon the tears will happen less often. You are going to go thru the angry stage soon, maybe in a month or two. In the meantime, go see your dr for something for depression--that is what you have. and the reason why is because your world shattered when you least expected it to, when there seems to be no real reason for it to have happened. the best meds won't change you, just allow you to deal with every day life on a more even level without the up and down days. When you do that and it gets fully into your system, you will start noticing a calm which will save you, believe me. You'll be amazed at how much clearer the world looks when your eyes aren't puffy from crying. and if you are on something, you may need to up the dosage. Its hard to hear from others that they know what you are experiencing cuz it feels like no one could ever understand. we do. we've been there, had to deal with the physical and emotional pain ourselves. it will get better, honey, trust us. it may seem like it never will, that it can't, but it will. One day. And there's no time limit on it. I can't tell you the exact day you will emerge but it will happen. It may take a major event, it may only take you waking up one morning--no one can tell you. You hang tight and cry all you want. One day you will get sick of crying and it will start to happen less and less. Some days you'll actually catch yourself smiling, you'll feel guilty for it, but don't. You deserve to smile. You were thrown in the bottom of a pit with no light and no ladder. So we're throwing you a light so you can see--its up to you to find the ladder to get out of the hole. Life does go on and it will for you, too. Keep your wits about you with the other shark and don't let him bite--you'll regret it if something happens, make no mistake--and it will seriously alter your ability to trust others. There are others out there without an agenda who will be more than willing to give you comfort. He is not the one to be doing it. We're here, sweetie and we've got BIG shoulders.
ddw5195 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 you said in your message that you and your h was seperating right? you said you looked at the cell phone bills to see if there was another woman....well do you know how you would have felt if you found what you was looking for? you would have been crushed and your hole world would have been turned upside down. you would have been decived and you would have felt betrayed right.... just think of what she might feel. If you are a woman then you need to stay away....VERY DANGERIOUS because one you are on an emotional rebound and your looking for the man scent,touch,conversation...etc.... but you need to rember he is married weather you are talking or not the potental of something happening is very there and real and you need to be the bigger person and not get yourself involved. a real woman would say you know I love the conversation, your very fun what ever you need to tell him but end it with you are married weather there is one person in the marrage or not and when you have taken care of what you are involved in and you decided to divorce or re kindle your marrage then you can call me. you really dont want to be the cause of a marrage to fail and God looks down apoun that. you seem like a very sweet person but put yourself in her shoes he** just think if the marrage is just like he says it is and she knows he is talking to you then you might think hummmmmm..... if that is the case I myself would say that she is the one trying to hold the marrage but we never know what is behind closed doors. just giving the benfit of the dought that she is a good person and she has feelings as well I would say she loves him more than he thinks to let him skirt around behind her back and for that matter in her face. she is probly just as lost as you are in her feelings and needs love as well. if he does it to her he will do it to you. are you ready to jump from one relationship to another that is just as bad. maybe not now but it will come to the same point, you will be the old news and he will need new news.right now your so hurt in the way things have turned out and you are confused and you really will make a bad choice if you keep on with conversations. no man nor woman can keep it friends when one is very vauralble and the other is just as week. BAD THINGS HAPPEN!!!!!! then you will have that added to your list of confusion!! so what I think you should do, you said it has only been three weeks and you are already feeling something for this other guy.... I am not sure your emotions were that great for your husband. you need to take it slow and find out why your marrage is falling and invest the time and energy in that and the talking should be with your husband and if he is still not in it then you say by and work on yourself. the hole thing is you are asking if it is ok to be talking to this ex and need to here that you are not really doing anything wrong and that it is just a conversation. well I cant tell you that because in my eyes and I said mine I dont speak for every one else but I think you are wrong! if you keep going on with this you will be the same dump pile as all the other garbage that does not seem to care if someone else gets hurt. dont stoop yourself that low!!! you are to good for that and you will and can find yourself and thne and only then will it be safe for you to come out of your shell. PS when this happens leave the married men alone regardless if they will have just a litte fling and wont tell you know its the one who loves the most that gets hurt the most and you can be the cause of terrible,terribl things. hope I helped....
ddw5195 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 now ~ sixteen years ago. The wife left for OM, took my children, everything worth stealing. (I laid down for the sake of the children) There is another side of all of this! At the time I thought it was the worse thing that ever happened to me. Sixteen years later ~ I can see it was one of the best. (And, No! Its doesn't takes sixteen years! LOL! You'll find happiness when you look within yourself for it) you know Gunny, you are a nice guy and you tell it like it is. I hope you have found what you are looking for in life and it makes you the happiest person in the world cause I belive the next person you fall in love with, she will be the luckiest person in the world.
ddw5195 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Hey, you know, you are gonna wonder if the pain will ever go away. You can wake up fine one day and be crying for the next two for no apparent reason. Its called Grieving. dgiirl is right, pretty soon the tears will happen less often. You are going to go thru the angry stage soon, maybe in a month or two. In the meantime, go see your dr for something for depression--that is what you have. and the reason why is because your world shattered when you least expected it to, when there seems to be no real reason for it to have happened. the best meds won't change you, just allow you to deal with every day life on a more even level without the up and down days. When you do that and it gets fully into your system, you will start noticing a calm which will save you, believe me. You'll be amazed at how much clearer the world looks when your eyes aren't puffy from crying. and if you are on something, you may need to up the dosage. Its hard to hear from others that they know what you are experiencing cuz it feels like no one could ever understand. we do. we've been there, had to deal with the physical and emotional pain ourselves. it will get better, honey, trust us. it may seem like it never will, that it can't, but it will. One day. And there's no time limit on it. I can't tell you the exact day you will emerge but it will happen. It may take a major event, it may only take you waking up one morning--no one can tell you. You hang tight and cry all you want. One day you will get sick of crying and it will start to happen less and less. Some days you'll actually catch yourself smiling, you'll feel guilty for it, but don't. You deserve to smile. You were thrown in the bottom of a pit with no light and no ladder. So we're throwing you a light so you can see--its up to you to find the ladder to get out of the hole. Life does go on and it will for you, too. Keep your wits about you with the other shark and don't let him bite--you'll regret it if something happens, make no mistake--and it will seriously alter your ability to trust others. There are others out there without an agenda who will be more than willing to give you comfort. He is not the one to be doing it. We're here, sweetie and we've got BIG shoulders. that was beautiful:lmao: and was the most sweetest thing to say!! but to add to that be sure to lean on the lord cause he has been there for me.
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Understand what you all are telling me.. And your right, I wouldnt want any other women calling or talking to my husband. I am wrong to think it was ok, I guess I was looking for some acceptance from someone for talking to the ex.. So here is my promise, I will stop all communication with my ex-b, and focus more on myself... I have tried talking to my husband about things, but he just doesnt seem interested in what I have to say.. He lives in his own world.. One day though I hope he can look back and say "wow, I let the best thing in my life go", what are my chances hearing that.. I know I put up with alot of bull sh**. I am making today my day, no man included, just me, myself, and I. Ok, and my kids...
dgiirl Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 AAA35 It's completely understandable the comfort you are seeking for, but I'm glad you also realize that this particular person is not the one to provide it for you. This doesnt mean you cannot get out and enjoy life! The best thing for you to do is get out with friends, and preferably make some NEW single friends. Guy or girl, doesnt matter. When you start to make new friends, they dont know you as the married you, the wife of so and so, rather they get to know the single you, and they _like_ the single you! It's a huge boost to the ego Get out of the house every single day and do something atleast 15 minutes just for you. You'll see how much that will add to your life and lift your spirits! It doesnt take much, it just takes you looking at the situation from a different angle.
Gunny376 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 you know Gunny, you are a nice guy and you tell it like it is. I hope you have found what you are looking for in life and it makes you the happiest person in the world cause I belive the next person you fall in love with, she will be the luckiest person in the world. I can truly say the Good Lord put His Mojo on me! Put me through some trials and tribublations ~ brought me down to my knees. I can also look back and see that it was Tough Love from Someone who truly cared and loves me.
ilmw Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 AAA35 It's completely understandable the comfort you are seeking for, but I'm glad you also realize that this particular person is not the one to provide it for you. This doesnt mean you cannot get out and enjoy life! The best thing for you to do is get out with friends, and preferably make some NEW single friends. Guy or girl, doesnt matter. When you start to make new friends, they dont know you as the married you, the wife of so and so, rather they get to know the single you, and they _like_ the single you! It's a huge boost to the ego Get out of the house every single day and do something atleast 15 minutes just for you. You'll see how much that will add to your life and lift your spirits! It doesnt take much, it just takes you looking at the situation from a different angle. Its true... I started doing this... go to a book store... go get and icecream... buy yourself a new shirt... eat a Taco..mmmmm! Do it for you... if it can help me... why not you;) ilmw
Wolfp Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Its true... I started doing this... go to a book store... go get and icecream... buy yourself a new shirt... eat a Taco..mmmmm! Do it for you... if it can help me... why not you;) ilmw Agreed...best thing you can do is get out for a little while each day. Doesnt matter what or where, it just matters that your out in different air. Try a gym, if your so inclined. Does wonders for the old attitude, and strangely enough, has health benefits as well
ilmw Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Agreed...best thing you can do is get out for a little while each day. Doesnt matter what or where, it just matters that your out in different air. Try a gym, if your so inclined. Does wonders for the old attitude, and strangely enough, has health benefits as well You mean eating Tacos does not have health benefits??? Damn!
dgiirl Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 In the early stages, I took my camera and hit the city as a tourist. Went to all the parks and tourist traps in the city by myself and took tons of pictures. It kept me entertained and out of the house. Any day i stayed at home in my pj's i relapsed into depression and had a really bad few days following that. So you need to get up, get dressed and get out every single day, even if you're tired. The change of scenery does affect your mood. On top of that, I smiled at people. Young old, man woman, made no difference. I smiled at people and when I noticed they smiled back it made my day. Retail therapy is also nice, but you gotta make sure you dont get too caried away with that For me, it was buying nail polish. It totally brightened my day
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 Well I survived two days no communication with both guys (h and ex). I dont feel to bad. Just alittle alone.. I found myself going shopping, it was weird because for the first time in a long time I was shopping for me.. It was a great feeling, the best part, I noticed the size I used to wear doesnt fit, thru this separation I have lost two pant sizes.. This made me real happy... Then I started to think, does any one notice, then it was like who cares I noticed... I like to say, you all have been great. Just one day at time, I know I can get threw this.. You all have made me realize, I am not alone, and I thank you for that.... Even tho we are strangers, I feel like we are friends..
Lor Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 2 pant sizes!?! wow!! that is great! Stress makes the best diets. And you're wondering if anyone else notices.....hey honey, open your eyes and look around. I bet your getting more notice than you think. I spent months and months moping and crying, not noticing a thing around me. Now, I go out and notice that guys turn their heads....and its not cuz of what I'm wearing, its cuz I have my confidence back....and they were looking all along, I couldn't see it. You'll get there! 2 days is great, but don't be surprised if you slide again, its sooooo easy to do. Pretty soon you'll get tired of the whole game. Someone made a comment about how you should be talking to the X rather than the exBF....kinda hard when its like talking to a wall, right? You can scream, you can cry, you can beg, cajole...on and on and on and nothing, absolutely nothing connects there cuz with him there is nothing there. Harsh but true. Wanna bright outlook? I've been thru the same hell you've gone thru, same emotions, same pain, same depression, same denial. for me it was exactly one year and 6 days before I escaped. When I emerged from the pit, I started to look around and man, what all I saw. I started getting to know people, making new friends and have now started semi-dating a wonderful guy who is exactly what I've always looked for. In some cases, the grass really is greener. I wouldn't take my H back if he came back begging....it took me going out with someone with a heart of gold to see how my H treated me while we were married, how much he ignored me, and to realize that I would never go back to that again--I deserve so much more and so do you. And one day you'll believe me. And yeah, we're all friends here and you aren't alone! Even when you start coming out of it, keep coming here so you can help others too, to let them know they aren't alone either. ....oh, I feel a group hug coming on!!...... :bunny:
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