Guest Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 my jealousy is ruining my life. I am obsessed with snooping and creating scenarios in my head about my fiance and what he may be thinking of other wemon. I accus him of wanting other wemon, of thinking of other wemon when we have sex, I call him consttantly and start fights. I am constantly observing who he is looking at, and throw tantrums, I feel sick when a pretty woman enters the room, or evenings out are constantly ruined by my jealousy, whether i own up and start a fight or find it in me to keep it to myself..its a nightmare. Hes broken up with me once now after three years and last breakup he started calling a young girl, but immidiatly stopped to pursue our relationship, he said, I just want someone to be nice to me...and i am, other than when I feel threatend..which is more and more ALL of the time..we are only OK when we are at home alone or with only men or unattractive, to me, wemon. I am in recovery as well from alcoholism an I am in fear that this will take me back out as it has before, but I do not know what to do anymore.....
Kinger25 Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 If you are in recovery from Alocholism you need to be very sensitive to your OWN feelings and you of all people should know how easy it is to slip back off the waggon. Listen...this IS what everybody says but I can assure you from my own experiences it IS true... Jealousy is born from Insecurity. Always. No deviation. If you read my recent thread you'll see how I am always having a go at my boyfriend for no reason. Its cause I'm insecure. Bottom Line How does your Fiancee treat you? Does he try and Reassure you that you are the only one for him? or does he in a way contribute to your insecurity in respect to thinking that he is always cheating on you? If you read my Thread "destroying my relationship - why?" You'll see that Touche gave some fantastic advice about how some people just DRIVE you to be insecure & jealous - is your F one of these guys? Basically, I have come to the conlusion that there is no point in being jealous, you are just cutting off your nose to spite your face so to speak. I mean, if you are CONSTANTLY worrying about your F running off with women that YOU think are more attractive / intelligent / funny / caring etc etc than you, then you are not only making yourself feel miserable because you feel *ugly* compared to them, but you are also increasing the likelyhood of it actually happening. It's a chain of negative reactions to a point. If you consistently question / interigate / suspect and badger your F about other women, and if you ALWAYS feel threatened by attractive girls and accuse him of *supposedly* cheating on you then you are going to grind him down. By grinding him down, you make him unhappy, by making him unhappy you are casting doubts in his mind about your relationship, by casting doubts in his mind you are setting yourself up for what you originally were afraid / jealous of to happen. Consider the following scenarios........ Which relationship do YOU think is more likely to incurr an episode of cheating?? Scenario 1 - A girlfriend & boyfriend have been dating for say 1 year. The nature of the BF's job means that he is constantly in contact with very attractive, intelligent, independent and successful women. When the BF comes home from work the GF kisses him, gets his tea ready, asks him how his day was, makes him comfortable, listens to him and inter-acts with him in a positive and trusting manner. They both go out for dinner one evening and then on to a bar for a few drinks. The bar is heaving with gorgeous looking girls who are ALL flirting with the BF.. The GF decides to go home leaving the BF at the Bar. The BF says he will be home in an hour.... The GF kisses him and leaves..... Scenario 2 Basically scenario 2 is as above but when the BF comes home from work the GF interigates him on who he has been with that day, when he was with them and for how long. She checks his phone, sees a number that she doesn't recognise and flies off the handle, punching him and kicking him she tells him that she knows that he is cheating. The BF leaves the house and goes to a bar for a few drinks WITHOUT his GF because he knows that if he did bring her she would only cause a scene if she saw a pretty girl even come near him. The GF is at home consumed in her own jealousy. The BF is upset becasue he has never cheated on his GF before. When he gets to the bar an attractive women starts talking to him, they get on really well and talk for what seems to be hours...... You tell me - out of these two scenarios - who is more likely to cheat? Dont be jealous - its not worth it. Whatever life may throw at us we can only deal with as and when it happens. If he cheats on you, you deal with that IF it ever happens. Dont consume yourself with anger and bad feeling, you are waisting your life with it. Do you think you should be engaged to this man if you dont trust him? Trust is the main ingrediant in any relationship and without it there really is NO relationship. If I were you I would seek some counselling about this or maybe read some books about relationships and trust. But whatever you do DONT turn to alcohol for the answers. It wont work.
megnog Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 wow kinger, you actually said some meaningful words there. thank you. i, too, am very jealous. and i used to be WORSE. so i pride myself for getting better, but i still wish i was jealousy-free! i'm 19 years old now and i remember my first serious bf when i was 14. i would be jealous of this girl i knew he liked before we dated. they had a class together and my friend in that class said they flirted all the time. i was SO SO SOS OSOSOSOS jealous. it was ridiculous. evidently, i drove him away. i look back at it now and laugh because he was sooooo good to me and i was so bad to him as far as jealousy goes. i hope i get better and i hope you do too. really you have to think where its going to get you in life - absolutely nowhere. and it is true, the more you nag and nag, the more likely it will happen. its so hard to control for me .. its not something i feel like i have control OF but .. as i age and as time passes by, i realize its not healthy and not something i want to fret about day in and day out. i hope this helped. good luck! bye
littlepiggy1 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I'd second going to counselling. There really isn't a simple fix for insecurities and jealousy problems like this.
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