Unacceptable behaviour from your spouse.

[LBC]

My wife is a huge flirt. And we have had many talks about her behaviour in the context of marriage bounderies and her dealings with other men.

 

 

There have been 2 instances that have really made me upset, along with numerous others, but it’s a long story and I only want to talk about the 2. Not to mention the fact that we are over 2 years into recovery from her affair. But I don’t want to go into details about that.

 

 

This past summer we went to a concert. My wife was talking with every guy that was sitting next to us, in front of us, behind us, etc. I asked her polilty to stop it, because it was making me uncomfortable. Its like she just don’t get it. She was rubbing her hand in the hair of the guy ahead of us, leaning over to talk to him in his ear, since you cant hear a thing with the music playing. I told her to stop touching the guy. She left at some point to get a beer. And I remember the guy turning around to me, and giving me a look of “sorry dude, I didn’t do anything, she just kept talking to me” Almost like he was embarrassed himself.

 

The next morning I blew up at here. I told her she was disrespectful to be touching this guy and rubbing his hair. I told her she better f-ing stop this behaviour NOW and I wasn’t going to be a husband who would stand for this stuff.

 

Then just this past weekend. We are camping with a group of other couples. Now these are couples that we only see once or twice a year. She was openingly flirting with the other husband, dancing in front of them, sitting on there laps, etc.

 

Plus she was being really loud and telling exaggerated storys and such. Almost all her stories were about times she or me got drunk and puked. She then told a very embarresing story about me getting sick from drinking. Of course everyone was laughing. I was nudging her to get her to stop, and told her that nobody wants to hear about my drunk stupors. But she gave me that look and said, stop nudging me, it’s a funny story. Then at some point when I was giving her a look of “shut the F-up”, she looked at me and said :”ahhh, shut your hole”. I was pissed, but I didn’t want to start an agument in front of everyone. So I just got up to go get a beer and blew it off.

 

The next day I told her, that this behavoiur was embarssing to me and I felt hurt that she said to shut my hole. It was disrespectful to say that in a group of people we hardly know. She of course played if off as she was just having fun, whatever, fine I wont go with you anymore. basically got in defensize mood, like if was my fault she cant have fun.

 

 

NOW, the problem was, in this second situation. This was the 3rd time this group has seen us together as a couple. And each time they have seen us, my wife has acted this way. But in real life she is not like this. Its almost like she was being someone she isn’t. Like she need to put on show for them. Being loud and crazy and such and taking shots at me for a joke.

 

But all 3 times we have seen this group, my wife has gotten really drunk. She has always been loud and out there, but when she drinks its like she becomes a different person. Has a very flirty attitude and can say stuff in an exaggerated way. It’s a behavour she is well aware of and when I bring it up to her, she always she will try harder to be not so out there. Now for instance, if we were with a close group of friends, she would not act this bad, but this these once a year people, she acts like someone she isn’t. Like she needs to be on SHOW for attention or something.

 

We have talked many times about this, but every so often it happens again,a nd I get the I am sorry I will try harder next time. And I hate it.

 

Plus, I don’t want these once a year people to think that is the way she is. I mean, you judge a person on there actions and if all you see it crazy drunk and loud, what wyuld you think?.

 

My wife is a beautiful person inside and out and very fun to be around. She is very friendly and a great mother and wife, she really is. Its just she gets in these moods were she becomes someone else. She used to be this way a lot, but has toned down quite abit. But lately, she gets on a roll, and she just becomes someone I don’t like.

 

Is it for attention, the spotlight?

 

She says I don’t like her having fun. but that is not true. you don’t have to be loud and crazy to have fun IMO.

 

I just don’t know what to do. I, as a husband shouldn’t have to ask my wife NOT to flirt and get crazy when we party. But its like she just doesn’t get it till after the fact.

 

I mean when we go out, I have to ask her not to flirt with other men. I find it disrespectful. But she just says, I cant help it, it’s the way I am. But you can help it. If there are actions you do, that you spouse thinks is inappropiate, isn’t it fair that she at least abide by some bounderies?

 

Feeling hurt and embarresed is not FUN for me.

 

 

I know what some will say, she has a problem with alcohol. To a point I agree. But she is very out going when she is sober too. Its just at times, she becomes very crazy and not in control. Almost like she cant keep her bounderies because the alcohol is saying WOO HOO!!!!

 

what am I to do? I don’t like when she gets this way. I say my peace. But it happens again. I figure being in our late 30’s we should have a little more tact when we party, but she seems to lose it at times. Its starting to concern me.

[norajane]

Yes, she is doing it for attention, and yes, she does have a problem with inappropriate behavior when she's drinking. As a spouse, she should respect your feelings if her behavior is hurting you.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling to help you two communicate and get to the bottom of what's going on with her and your relationship?

[JackJack]

Its good you let her know up front that her behavior is not accpetable, but unfortaunatly that doesn't always mean a person will stop that behavior. Sometimes actions might speak more clearly to people. I agree with what another said, how about marriage counseling? Is that something you have tried or are willing to try? You al need to get to the root of why she feels the need to flirt when around certain people. Also if shes doing this everytime she drinks maybe her drinking needs to be delt with as well.

[blind_otter]

maybe she's bipolar.

[Moose]

You're going to have to put your foot down. If she acts like this in front of people, it's your job to remove her from that situation.

 

Doesn't matter of it looks like you're the ass, or if it causes a scene. Everbody will either think you're being an ass, or she's being a slut.

 

Personally, I'd much rather people think I'm an ass rather than think of my wife as a slut.

[LBC]

Yes, we have done the marraige counseling. But stopped 1 year ago. She is in individual counseling again to help deal with some things.

 

She admits she has issues when drinking, but they are few and far between. Like I said, its not all the time, but it is getting more numerous that she acts this way.

 

I have asked her to talk to her IC about her need for attention from other men. but the last few sessions it has not come up. I plan on asking her to get into this question again.

 

She admits she is insecure on the inside (but she dont act that way, she come across confident and brassy) She came from an alcoholic home were her mom was loose. 5 kids, 3 different men. We haved talked about his alot. Almost like she needs attention from men to make her feel good. but like I tell her, all this attention you get is just sexually attention and I dont understand WHY she needs that from someone to make her happy or feel good.

 

The more I think about this, the more i think she is deeply insecure but dont want to face it. So she puts up this WALL for people to see. She has a hard time being humble and content. Hmmm, its like she cant show deep emotion for fear of feeling scared and lost. Its very seldom I get the clingly, I need you emotions. But I can feel it inside her, she just doesnt let it out.

 

I just dont get it though. I know that some insecure people will act out to get attention. So they feel wanted and liked. They put them selves out there in bahvoiur that gets attention, albiet negitive attension IMO.

 

I mean, it hurt me when we first got to the camp site, and one other lady said, oh hers crazy (wifes name). I dont think she heard it, or if the other person said it in fun, or in sarcasim. buit to me, i care what people think about me and us, and I dont want them to think we are something we are not. We are very good people, I just dont get this attitude she puts out there for certain people.

 

Makes me wonder how she acts when i am not around

 

 

I just wish she could act like she would with our family or with people from church. She has one personaltiy, but she does come across diferent with difeeretn gropups.

 

Like my mom said about my Dad. I wish we could go out with new freidns and he doesnt have to act like someone else. Why is it so hard for people to just be them selves and not try to be something else fro attention or to come across different than you would in front of regular freinds or family or work people. I just dont get it.

[LBC]

maybe she's bipolar.

 

I have thought about that too. but have not read up on it. think I will.

[LBC]

Personally, I'd much rather people think I'm an ass rather than think of my wife as a slut.

 

thats exactly how I feel. I feel like these people think my wife is a loose flirt. Like because she may say things that give these other husband a view of hey, she is receptive to flirty behavoir and sexually indoendos. And I dont like it. I am a man and I know how men think. And if I came across a wife like this, i would think the same thing. Slutty flirty wife. And I know for a fact that if a wife friend of ours acted this way towards me, my wife would not like it at all.

 

PLUS, I care what people think about me and her, I do. She says she doesnt, but I know deep down she cares waht people think too, btu she wotn admit it.

 

I also dont want to come across as the guy thats always telling his wife to settle down or always trying to contol her. I dont want to do it in public, off to the side yes.

 

But the fact is, I should not have to ask her to not act that way. but she keeps slipping every now and then.

[November-Rain]

I feel for your situation. Your wife is certainly showing disrespect for you and your marriage. I think alcohol and your wife do not mix. Alcohol seems to contribute to her bad behavior around your friends, this is something that needs to be addressed with her. Get her the help she needs and hopefully things will get much better.

 

You also mentioned she came from a family of alcoholics, it could be she has suffered from the long-term psychological effects of witnessing her family abuse alcohol. She would need to deal with those issues through someone that specializes in that area. It seems like you love and care for her very much, but you also have to think of your children. They may not say anything to you, but if they are old enough they must know about the way she behaves around others while intoxicated. This could influence them in a negative way.

 

I wish you the best of luck

[whichwayisup]

Your wife is in need of attention from so many men because she's very insecure. Inside, she's not a real happy person. She's missing something, and that something has nothing to do with you, it's her past - Whether it be childhood or issues with her folks...She needs some therapy.

 

I can't believe all the things she's done, I'm stunned. And I feel sad for you, her behaviour is crossing the line, it's embarressing not only for you, but for her! She continually makes a fool of herself yet she thinks everybody is impressed! Sadly, people are NOT impressed at all.

 

She definately needs to stop drinking, that seems to enable her behaviour even more.

 

It's time to get tough with her and put down your foot. Talk to her closest friends and family to help you - Maybe do an intervention or something, either way, something has to be done! She can't go on like this. It's killing you, the marriage and her.

[Guest]

I feel for you. Your wife's behavior IS appropriate and embarressing.

 

When I read that you are in your late thirties I was amazed. I thought at first you were young-marrieds, like early to mid twenties.

 

I would find her behavior EXTREMELY troublesome.

 

I think you will have to get really serious about how badly this bothers you. Sit her down at some quiet point in the day and explain that this is seriously damaging your marriage.

 

Offer to go back to counseling together. Just because you've been to MC doesn't mean you've covered all the ground there is to cover. Sometimes you get to a point where you need to stop for a while, then you get to another point where it's time to go back.

[FallenPetals]

I side with everyone here. It is highly disrespectful. She loves the attention she is getting, and dare I say the negative attention she is getting from you. Alcohol is only one thing, I'd even venture out to say she has Multiple personality disorder. All the signs are there. There must be a huge underlying problem for this to come forward. It isn't your fault, it is something that is within her. I would also draw boundaries somewhere in the sand. My cousin had this, and the more her husband would cater to her on this and be "understanding" the more she would try and get away with anything she could. She cited her disease as the problem, it's only half of the problem, it's no excuse for disrespectful behavior you know.

 

My point is that you have to be happy and you certainly cannot be happy when she behaves this way and from some of your posts it sounds like you're a little insecure about what she may be doing when you're not around, and rightly so. I'd also get her some help for the alcohol, get your boundaries set, make them loud and clear to her and precise and when she oversteps your boundaries, no matter if you do come off looking like a a$$, I'd remove her and yourself from the situation.

[Guest]

She is very disrespectful to you. But I don't think that telling her to shut the f up is the way to deal with it....

[jmargel]

First off you need to stop being her counselor. When you try to do that you lose being the husband. The reason why her mom has done this & why she continues to do this is because she has NO consequences! I mean really, when she does this what does she get? You lecturing her. What does she hear? Blah blah blah blah..

 

I can almost guarantee this is what she does with the counselor when she is told something she doesn't want to hear. She has already cheated on you and you mentioned this is only two times out of a lot of things that she's done. So as long as you tolerate this behavior she will continue to do it.

 

You have talked to her and she has not listened, now it's time for ultamatiums & consequences. Let her know the next time she disrespsects you like this, that she will be packing her things & leaving. This is not how a marriage works and the road she is on, she will be cheating on you again soon unless you give her some very tough love. All these are HUGE warning signs. BTW, read the book on 'tough love' it's very worth while. It's what set me in the right direction when my wife was pushing the boundaries.

[Guest]

Reading this thread, I was thinking that mabye I posted it in my sleep. My wife is the exact same, flirting when she's drinking, unnaceptable behaviour, alcoholic parent's divoriced, disrespectful about it, etc etc (maybe my wife is the same as your wife! <grin>). Except for the cheating part (which i'm sure will happen sooner or later), I found myself nodding my head...

 

I'll be the first to admit her actions cause me to smother her even more, which i'm sure doesn't help the situation.

 

I just stumbled across this board tonight, and it's a breather to know others are going through the same issues - i have to say i've been reading many of your posts jmargel, and that's helping deal with alot of my smothering/jealousy issues. ..

 

She's been that way since I met her, just figured she would settle down eventually... that was when we were 18, 25 now.

[jmargel]

Hi Guest,

 

Hope you register and post your own story on here so we can give it the individual attention it needs.

 

Unfortunetly they don't just seem to 'snap' out of it. It's due to immaturity. When she was born, she had 'free will' however the day she was brought home she started learning how to adapt and react to the situations at home. With her past she was never really allowed to 'mature' and thus this is what you have to deal with today. While you are the parent and she is still the child the marriage has a very high chance of failing. What needs to be done is you need to take a notch down and her a notch up to 'adult'.

 

>> Parent

 

>> Adult

 

>> Child

 

You both have to be on the same level here. The only thing that is going to help this is counseling for her. I would suggest a psychologist. A MC won't be able to help her in the ways that she needs. As long as she doesn't deal with her past issues you will be dealing with them in other ways. Post back when you get the chance.

[Guest]

Keep away from booze and you'll both be better for it. Finding herself in a drunken stupor amusing instead of embarrassing says a lot. I can count the times I've drank myself sick on one hand and still have enough fingers left to scratch effectively, and I had an alcohol problem at one point. People who routinely drink until they vomit have a definite problem.

[binevrywear]

Hi,

 

Watch out!!! You could have a wife with histrionic personality disorder. Check this out at psychforums.com. Read through the HPD forum on the site *thoroughly* and follow the links. Just remember: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....She was rubbing her hand in the hair of the guy ahead of us,

 

Next time find a nice blond to hit on.... in front of her.

 

I told her she better f-ing stop this behaviour NOW and I wasn’t going to be a husband who would stand for this stuff.

 

Oh come on... you goin' leave her? Just what are you going to do.

 

Don't make threats you aren't going to back up.

She was openingly flirting with the other husband, dancing in front of them, sitting on there laps, etc.

 

And the other wife was ... why wasn't his wife sitting on your lap?

 

she looked at me and said :”ahhh, shut your hole”. I was pissed, but I didn’t want to start an agument in front of everyone. So I just got up to go get a beer and blew it off.

 

Wow... what a reaction. you got up and left.

 

WTF? Why didn't you get up, stand right over her and tell her to "SHUT THE F*CK UP B!TCH!!!! NOW GET INTO THE TENT AND NEVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT INFRONT OF PEOPLE AGAIN."

 

So line up a bunch of stories that will embarass the hell out of her. And be sure to tell her to shut up all the time in front of people. DO NOT let her get away with this crap without her being embarrased.

 

The next day I told her, that this behavoiur was embarssing to me and I felt hurt that she said to shut my hole.

The next day? Aw poor baby... come on man... tell her right then and there in front of everyone else she's embarassing you with. Or pack up your stuff, throw it in the car and drive off and leave her.

 

My wife is a beautiful person inside and out and very fun to be around. She is very friendly and a great mother and wife, she really is.

She

such a wonderful person she cheated on you.

 

Feeling hurt and embarresed is not FUN for me.

You sure? You seem to bear it so well.

 

A couple that were our good friends where a little like this. She ALWAYS pissed on him in public. Said the nasty things about him, in front of everybody. Evenually he tired of it, had an affair and they divorced - a bitter divorce.

 

My advise is call her on her behavior the instant she's off the reservation.

[nancyleeh]

I'm sitting here thinking about how I'd react if my husband acted like your wife and would probably do what you did and try to talk to her about it but with most things, if a person doesn't want to seek help and change they are not going to just because it upsets us. I like the idea of having boundaries when she flirts or acts out but boundaries are for you, not her so it would be better for you to make sure your boundaries are not stamped on and if she acts out, she is stomping on your boundary of acting like a decent person in your presence. If it were me in your situation I would tell my hubby that when we are out together, drinking or not, and if he acts out then I am leaving the scene, walking away, taking a break because I will not sit by his side and tolerate such behavior and if I'm disgusted enough I am leaving and going home without him. I realize that we hate to disrupt social gatherings but your already being disrupted and it's more important to keep yourself safe and at peace than trying to make her behave differently because that isn't working. So a suggestion would be remove yourself from her presence and let her work her own problem out without you as her audience. Maybe she likes having you as an audience and if your not there to witness her bad behavior, it may help her to get the idea and stop.

Best wishes,

nancyleeh

[Guest]

"She admits she has issues when drinking, but they are few and far between. Like I said, its not all the time, but it is getting more numerous that she acts this way."

 

It's not all the time? So do you find it exceptable for her to treat you like this even one time!?

Your wife is disrespecting you. Period.

I am just curious as to why you do not put your foot down and stick up for yourself. Do YOU have poor self esteem?

 

Recovering from an affair, only two years ago....

this I think is what should bother you as well. If your wife had any true remorse it seems like she would want to earn your trust back and salvage the marriage, esp. with kids involved. (meaning try harder, to please YOU)

 

Mabey you have been putting up with this behavior for so long that it has somehow become the norm. in your household.

She is out of control. YOU need to step up and take control of your life.

 

If I ever told my husband to "shut his hole" in front of people, he would be humiliated and pissed. He would find this disrespectful to the point of humiliating me by leaveing my a** there.

Now if we are at home alone and he just wont get off my a**, etc.- I very well just might say "babe, would you shut the F*ck up, please?" And this works. For us. But to humiliate my man in public? Never. Stick up for yourself.