Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Hi I'm new to the forum. I'm 30 years old, female. Have been looking at these forums for a while. Helped me a lot when I went through a bad break up. I've been out of a long term (8 year) relationship for almost a year now. he finished it by cheating on me. It was a mess. i still am nowhere near over it inside. But I have been getting out there and meeting other people etc etc. I've dated a few (prob bout 20 odd) guys since my breakup. Lots were bad. I've been played a couple of times, had lots of dud dates etc. Sorry, will get to the point. All this is just some background to help you maybe understand me a bit. I've had 12 months of therapy about this and other issues etc. I'm pretty emotionally intelligent and I DO understand that things often don't work out etc. And not to get too upset. And mostly I'm fine after a couple of days. But this latest one. Date from the internet, which was kind of against my better judgement but i thought why not? He comes a long way (am in UK, he came about 150 miles). We clicked. Had a great weekend. He charmed the pants off me. Literally. Which probably makes me dumb. But anyway, he only left on Sunday night. And then today sends me an email basically saying cos he doesn't feel instantly in love he doesn't want to pursue it. He said that he had a lovely time, i'm great, he finds me attractive, blah blah blah but he doesn't feel in LOVE. Of course he doesn't. We only had one date! A long one, but one date all the same. Is this just him trying to let me down nicely or something weird like that? I was upset out of all proportion (a lot of left over stuff from me not dealing with my ex etc). He told me to call him. So we spoke. And then he changed his mind during that conversation and said he wanted to see me this weekend, to see how things go. Now. WTF? He is 34, a teacher, attractive, seems intelligent. I guess, my question is, does this sound like a load of cr@p. or should I take him on face value and believe he does want to see how it goes. Is it a loser? Should I not bother? And, mostly, why am I sitting here very upset about it? Can anyone please just comment? To make me feel less alone in my madness...
norajane Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Sometimes you feel instant attraction with people, and sometimes you don't. If you don't, it is possible to develop an attraction if you do enjoy being with someone and are compatible, but sometimes it doesn't happen even after some time. It's likely he believes that if he doesn't feel the instant attraction, it's not going to happen. After talking with you, he might have decided to give it some more time even though he's not certain whether he'll feel that attraction in the future. It's up to you whether you want to see him again. I'd probably go out with him again, though I wouldn't have sex with him.
Sand&Water Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Guest, I read your post. Instantly, I noticed three major notations of acknowledgement: (a)Does he has an intense and uneasy history of past relationships? He is hesitant to start something with you. Has has fears and is holding back. (b)You just came out of an 8 year relationship. You should be extremely cautious. It is too early for your pain to evolve. © You may not realize this, but involving yourself in a relationship right now will hurt your partner more than you can ever imagine. (d) It is not about instant love. You and him are not ready to absorb the future of a possible relationship, such as this.
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 It's likely he believes that if he doesn't feel the instant attraction, it's not going to happen. After talking with you, he might have decided to give it some more time even though he's not certain whether he'll feel that attraction in the future. It's up to you whether you want to see him again. I'd probably go out with him again, though I wouldn't have sex with him. Hi Thanks for your reply. But I guess, i thought that the way he was acting and talking over the weekend, as in expressing very clearly that he was attracted to me and that we were compatible meant that he already DID feel that? Or is that just something men do when they want something? did I just give him what he wanted? There was attraction there, on both sides, I could bet cash on it. And yet, your reply makes a lot of sense. I guess, what I mean is, he SHOWED me he was attracted to me. I guess it could have been a different kind of attraction? Sorry to sound so dense, I guess I must had misread the entire weekend. I guess you shouldn't take people on face value.
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Sand&water I have no idea if i'm replying properly to these but will persevere a) from what he said he has a very difficult time with finding someone who he feels this elusive thing for. b) I came out of it nearly a year ago. Not just. Do you still think it's too early? Genuine question, I thought most people would think that that was plenty of time. i know my friends do. c) I know it's not about instant love. That's my point. He had the attraction. I think. We get on. Surely the next step would be to see how it goes? That's my point. I don't expect to find instant love and am baffled as to why he thinks he should...
norajane Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 There's attraction, and then there's the "I can't stop thinking about her and can't wipe this stupid smile off my face" attraction. When he says he didn't feel the "instant in love", he's saying he's attracted, but not in that crazy kind of way.
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 There's attraction, and then there's the "I can't stop thinking about her and can't wipe this stupid smile off my face" attraction. When he says he didn't feel the "instant in love", he's saying he's attracted, but not in that crazy kind of way. You know what? I think you're right. And the problem is, I DID feel that. I was thinking about him in a border line crazy kind of a way. Until he emailed that. So yeah. Based on that, would you really go out with him again? Am feeling very torn. Because I feel very very upset about this already. Don't know why. And I suppose it can only get worse if I see him again.
Sand&Water Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Guest, You have a decision to make. Let me put it into perspective for you. One year is not enough. It is way too early, in my honest opinion. You have to ask yourself a lot of questions, and reflect upon the things that occured within your 8 year relationship. Have you found contentment within yourself to be able to move forward? He is doing a great portion of thinking about where he wants to go, and how he wants to handle the relationship, his feelings, and actions. If you are, indeed, able to start a relationship with this man then you must tread extremely slowly. Rushing things is not the answer. Love will come to him, when he least expects it. Give it time.
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Sand&water to answer your question. no. I do not think i am over my ex in any way, shape or form. What i'd really like is to fall in love with someone and them to fall in love with me and to take all the pain away. Not going to happen, is it? I don't know whether to see this guy again. I don't think I'm ready to take it going wrong, which it seems it will do if he's not feeling the elusive spark. I don't know what to do. What I do know, is I had a fantastic weekend, followed by a horrible couple of days. And I guess I should leave him alone and wish him well in finding whatever it is he is looking for. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Recommended Posts