BenThereDunThat Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Someone suggested this be a title thread in this forum. The following is for anyone who is a current OW, thinking about becoming an OW, or struggling with NC and the aftermath of having been an OW. This was one of the the articles I liked to keep on hand and read whenever I felt weak or tried to justify the "relationship." And ignore the part about a work-place affair if you didn't meet yours on the job! Excerpted from "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo he's just not that into you if he's married (and other insane variations of being unavailable) No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Sure, they may feel powerful, deep, mythic in scope and proportion. You may "never ever have felt this way before." But who cares? If the person you "love" (notice the snotty quotation marks around that) cannot freely spend his days thinking about you and being with you, it's not real love. Really? We're having this conversation? I'm really going to have to explain to you why you shouldn't be dating a married man? Well, okay: Here is the lowdown. He's married and having an affair, which indicates to me so many things. First, he's okay with being dishonest. (Nice.) Second, he's fine with cheating on his wife. (Super.) Third, he has no regard for his marriage. (What a gem.) Fourth and most specifically to you, he has no real regard for you, because what you're getting from him is scraps--stolen time that's cloaked in shame. (Just what you always dreamed of as a girl, right?) And because this is a workplace affair, who do you think will be asked to leave when the romance goes sour or becomes watercooler fodder that threatens his job and/or marriage? You. And whose reputation as a serious businessperson will be compromised? Did you guess you? Good girl. Regardless of how much his marriage sucks or how awful his wife is to him, it obviously isn't that bad or he would get out of it. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud. No matter what their relationship or circumstances are, you are still helping a man cheat on his wife. Let's agree you're better than that. Good for you to know you deserve to feel a powerful and profound love. I just think you should have it with someone who's actually yours. There's plenty of guys out there. Why not get one of your own? Sure, okay, sometimes people fall out of love, marry the wrong person, are overcome with passion, or make bad choices, all of which can result in an affair. Here's how you and Ring Finger Fred can handle this situation now: Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wife, then you can start a life with him not based in shame. The minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable. You have to do the waiting--the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He's so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He's that special. You, of course, aren't at all. A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn't be a second date, because if she didn't like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he?
Meaplus3 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Thanks for posting this, I really enjoyed reading it as I found it very helpful. AP:)
once removed Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 OUCH and point taken... and I guess that is a part of why I never took the EA to a r/l A... Though at times I wanted to I made my bed I have to lie in it till lol I climb out of that bed for the last time. Then I will be free to find someone who can give me what I want in a realtionship and find someone who is happy with what I can give them. When I can find a true partner 100% honesty 100% of the time. I know I can give it so why sale myself short with someone who is not willing or able to do the same.
Blind Illusion Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I read that book (as well as many others pertaining to relationships). It was good...very straight-forward . (sometimes being too straight-forward smacks of too black & white perspectives in my mind). Not my normal read but I often like reading different types of things.
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