Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 I must be seen as a horrible person. I don't feel bad about my situation. My man left his wife. I didn't cause him to leave. I have come to that one conclusion. I want him to leave , but looking at the whole picture of it ...I also dont think that if he does leave im the total cause. I wasnt looking for this situation and he has always said wasnt looking for a relationship like this either...It just happened. I do believe things happen for a reason and if that ends up being me and him. It isnt all my fault
reneet Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I have come to that one conclusion. I want him to leave , but looking at the whole picture of it ...I also dont think that if he does leave im the total cause. I wasnt looking for this situation and he has always said wasnt looking for a relationship like this either...It just happened. I do believe things happen for a reason and if that ends up being me and him. It isnt all my fault It's not OUR fault!! Hang in there girl!!
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 It's not OUR fault!! Hang in there girl!! Im trying to hang in....its been hard...How long did it take your man
reneet Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Im trying to hang in....its been hard...How long did it take your man About 2 years of sneaking around. He came over & called his wife & told her he would not be going back to her. We've been living together for over 4 years now. I didn't have to put my foot down. I guess he realized he wanted Me forever.
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 About 2 years of sneaking around. He came over & called his wife & told her he would not be going back to her. We've been living together for over 4 years now. I didn't have to put my foot down. I guess he realized he wanted Me forever. We have been together since Jan....She found out in August...We "broke up" few days later....Makes me laugh saying broke up...We talk just about every day still. And our feeling havent changed. I think sometimes i either wondering if im waiting for him to leave or her to throw him out. I know if a couple of days ( like the weekend) go by and we dont talk ...She starts in about how he feels about me.....
reneet Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 We have been together since Jan....She found out in August...We "broke up" few days later....Makes me laugh saying broke up...We talk just about every day still. And our feeling havent changed. I think sometimes i either wondering if im waiting for him to leave or her to throw him out. I know if a couple of days ( like the weekend) go by and we dont talk ...She starts in about how he feels about me..... Have you ever asked him what his intentions are? He needs to either stay with her or leave & be with you. That's it, end of story...
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 Have you ever asked him what his intentions are? He needs to either stay with her or leave & be with you. That's it, end of story... Oh yea... I asked him... he has said its with me....but right now its the KIDS.....I told him if you want your marriage to work then ill go...I wont call or anything....he says the same thing over and over its the kids ( not right now) And then the next thing i know he just started about what she is saying about me and him. I know there are somethings going on with the kids right now....And i know with him growing up without a father that bothers him about leaving.... I also know she has put alot of guilt on him lately..
reneet Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Oh yea... I asked him... he has said its with me....but right now its the KIDS.....I told him if you want your marriage to work then ill go...I wont call or anything....he says the same thing over and over its the kids ( not right now) And then the next thing i know he just started about what she is saying about me and him. I know there are somethings going on with the kids right now....And i know with him growing up without a father that bothers him about leaving.... I also know she has put alot of guilt on him lately.. The guilt that she puts on him shouldn't weigh on the decision he has to make. He will still be there for his children. Have you asked him if he knows/cares how YOU feel in all of this? Ask him...
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 The guilt that she puts on him shouldn't weigh on the decision he has to make. He will still be there for his children. Have you asked him if he knows/cares how YOU feel in all of this? Ask him... I have told him he will be there for the kids....I'm waiting for the kids to be in school ( tomorrow) for me and him to sit down and really talk.
norajane Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Oh yea... I asked him... he has said its with me....but right now its the KIDS.....I told him if you want your marriage to work then ill go...I wont call or anything....he says the same thing over and over its the kids ( not right now) And then the next thing i know he just started about what she is saying about me and him. I know there are somethings going on with the kids right now....And i know with him growing up without a father that bothers him about leaving.... I also know she has put alot of guilt on him lately.. So, basically, he's stringing you along for as long as you'll stick around and talk to him...he's hoping you'll keep seeing him even though he's stays married 'for the kids'. You are enabling him to stay married, you know. As long as he has you as his back-up, he can stay in his unhappy marriage 'for the kids' and it'll be easier for him because you're around too.
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 So, basically, he's stringing you along for as long as you'll stick around and talk to him...he's hoping you'll keep seeing him even though he's stays married 'for the kids'. You are enabling him to stay married, you know. As long as he has you as his back-up, he can stay in his unhappy marriage 'for the kids' and it'll be easier for him because you're around too. I cant say he is stringing me along. I know how it seems. But i really dont believe that. I understand. Most people see MM as liars but at somepoint they are telling someone the truth. Im not making things easy for him just to stay in his unhappy marriage. i want him to leave I want him to leave on his on not me making him.
tinktronik Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I cant say he is stringing me along. I know how it seems. But i really dont believe that. I understand. Most people see MM as liars but at somepoint they are telling someone the truth. Im not making things easy for him just to stay in his unhappy marriage. i want him to leave I want him to leave on his on not me making him. If you really want him to leave on his own , and not with you as the reason. Leave him alone , go NC and let him make the choice.
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 If you really want him to leave on his own , and not with you as the reason. Leave him alone , go NC and let him make the choice. sometimes things are easier said then doone
norajane Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 sometimes things are easier said then doone It really is easier for him to stay married when he has you to talk to, and when he knows that you're waiting, waiting, waiting for him. It really is easier for you to go NC so he can make his decision on his own. By continuing to talk with him and be his supporting, loving shoulder to lean on, you're dragging this out for yourself and making it more painful for yourself. Step back and take a look at the bigger picture, not the 'oh it's so hard not to talk to him today' picture.
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 It really is easier for him to stay married when he has you to talk to, and when he knows that you're waiting, waiting, waiting for him. It really is easier for you to go NC so he can make his decision on his own. By continuing to talk with him and be his supporting, loving shoulder to lean on, you're dragging this out for yourself and making it more painful for yourself. Step back and take a look at the bigger picture, not the 'oh it's so hard not to talk to him today' picture. I have gone without talking to him. He comes back, and yes i'm there when he calls. I dont sit around waiting for him to call no. There are times i know it would be perfect to call him and i dont. Complete NC i dont know about that right now. Not saying i havetn thought about it. I have told him. You want work it our honestly with her i wont interfere. He has never said that to me. And since i do feel like i know him so well, I can tell he isnt happy. I mean he is happy when its about the kids but he isnt happy. And its not what i want to hear. Its just that i know him. I guess thats why i hang on to hope.
norajane Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I have gone without talking to him. He comes back, and yes i'm there when he calls. I dont sit around waiting for him to call no. There are times i know it would be perfect to call him and i dont. Complete NC i dont know about that right now. Not saying i havetn thought about it. I have told him. You want work it our honestly with her i wont interfere. He has never said that to me. And since i do feel like i know him so well, I can tell he isnt happy. I mean he is happy when its about the kids but he isnt happy. And its not what i want to hear. Its just that i know him. I guess thats why i hang on to hope. I don't mean you're waiting for him to call - I mean you're waiting for him to decide to be with you. As long as he knows that you're still waiting and you'll be waiting for as long as he takes, he has no reason to make a decision. As to the rest, it sounds like all you're concerned about is his happiness. What about you? Are you happy? Are you happy waiting for him to make a decision? You don't have to wait for him; it doesn't have to be his decision. You have the power to take control of your life and your happiness by shutting out all the crap, like being 4th in importance in his life (behind himself, his kids, and his wife) and crap like taking table scraps in the form of phone calls from the MM. You really don't have to accept that.
reneet Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I have to agree /Norajane on that one. I didn't have to wait. He made the decision to leave his wife. I didn't have to talk him into it.
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 I have to agree /Norajane on that one. I didn't have to wait. He made the decision to leave his wife. I didn't have to talk him into it. Im not talking him into. Want him to do it on his own.
reneet Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Im not talking him into. Want him to do it on his own. Then I would advise anyone in this situation to back off until he makes a definite decision. HE HAS TO BE DONE WITH HIS MARRIAGE 100% BEFORE HE IS "ENTITLED" TO BE WITH YOU. Does that make sense?
Author yousaveme Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 Then I would advise anyone in this situation to back off until he makes a definite decision. HE HAS TO BE DONE WITH HIS MARRIAGE 100% BEFORE HE IS "ENTITLED" TO BE WITH YOU. Does that make sense? makes perfect sense
NoIDidn't Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 yousavedme I really didn't mean to make you feel selfish. And I certainly didn't want you to apologize for your question. You asked about the wife, and a couple of us gave you our opinions. Regarding the NC, you really need to stick to it. If it is in the back of your mind that if she finds out about you again she'll definitely kick him out so you can have him, you should let that go. Nobody wants that booby prize. He is not respecting you (or his W) and you are letting him. Stop listening to the "I love you"s. Don't put any stake into his staying for the kids excuse. MM have a tendency to think out loud when with their GF/OW, but that doesn't mean that he absolutely means it. I have no problem with the OW that gets her man, so to speak. So I don't say this to make you or any other OW angry. Point is, if you let him go and stop answering his calls, you will give him the chance to re-evaluate his life without you. Sounds scary, and it is. I've been there, done that. But, it also gives you the chance to re-evaluate your life without him. Give it a go. Try 3 months of complete NC. Give yourself the chance to process the very real pain that you have. Talking to him only hurts you more. He still goes home to his W, whether its for the kids or not. Give yourself the chance to make some decisions for YOU. Don't allow yourself to play his game. And he is playing a game now. He is allowing you to be his marital crutch. Don't be his crutch. Let him make up his own mind without talking to you. Right now, you ARE running interference. Try telling him you are bowing out for the time being as the situation is just too pain to bare. See what he says. I am willing to bet it will be something along the lines of, "but who am I going to talk to?" (makes you want to rescue him) "you don't want to talk to me anymore?" (makes you feel guilty), or "what are you saying that I am hurting you by wanting to talk to you?" (his attempt of saying you should not be hurt). I hope you try NC. You will come out feeling much better and stronger emotionally.
Recommended Posts