How to deal with sex addicted & affair prone wife?

[Guest]

Let me introduce myself to you. I am 50 year old; Indian by origin, migrated to one of the developed county in 1998. Now citizen of the country I migrated. I have 40 years old wife married 20 years back & have two sons. I am waiting for heart transplant surgery as my heart is severely damaged one year back as a result of massive myocardial infarct. (Heart Attack)

 

I came across this site accidentally & was impressed by the quality of advice offered in most of the scenarios. At the same time, by reading other people's experiences, I realised that I am not alone in what I am going through at the moment. To be honest, the real purpose of writing my problem is to take steam off my chest rather than seeking advice. Of course any input / advice are welcome.

 

After migration, I started business & incurred heavy loss as a result I became bankrupt. My wife could not cope up with this and became chronically depressed. She has been on anti depressant medicine since then. I tried for job but could not get it for want of local experience so eventually I accepted the job offer for Middle East country. However, my wife got teaching job here so I had to go alone to Middle East for a job.

I used to join my family for four weeks after 11 months of working in gulf country. When I was to return third time from Gulf, the airline I was travelling offered 50% discount if I travel one day before my scheduled journey as they had some seating issue. I accepted the offer & did not inform my wife as I wanted to give her surprise.

 

I never knew that going one day earlier, my wife would surprise me. When I reached home at night, I saw my wife in compromising position. My wife's active participation in adultery like her passionate kissing, removing her clothes, parting her legs for final assault, to & fro rhythmic motion, her moaning in ecstasy literally humiliated me and was a trauma for me.

 

Even though I was devastated & hurt, I controlled my anger. I realised that open communication is the only way to go now. I discussed her extra marital relations without blaming her with a view to get her confesses everything. It worked & she confessed everything.

 

When I departed for the first time to Middle East, her first sexual encounter began in just second week after my departure. So she was being shagged for three years in my absence. I told her that I am ready to forgive her if she promises me to stop sleeping with any man other than me & remain exclusive to me in future. She was reluctant to promise or commit anything. I was surprised as to why she do not want to give up her promiscuity so I took her to the professional counsellor.

 

Professional Counsellor concluded that my wife is oversexed and has sexual addiction. She can't control her strong sexual urge for 11 months. She has compulsive sexual disorder. Because of her unusually prolonged depression, he sent her to psychiatrics for her mental health assessment. Psychiatrics diagnosed her as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that she uses sex as a coping mechanism to deal with day to day stresses as she has a very low stress tolerance threshold level. He suggested that I quit gulf job & stay with her so that she would not stray. I acted on his advice and stayed back. He again suggested that I take care of her sexual and emotional needs adequately as person with borderline personality Disorder are affair prone.

 

I saved my marriage by staying with her. One year went well. After that I got serious heart attack. My heart was damaged in the attack. I went through by pass surgery to open up blocked arteries but severe attack damaged heart muscle irreversibly. I can't walk more than 100 meters unless heart is transplanted. After this heart attack I am not capable of having Sex.

What I understand now is my wife is again involved in sex romp. It is on going now. I know she is having good time when she leaves home on different pretext. I have been trying my best to ignore her infidelity owing to my disability of having sex because of heart problem but when I see love bites on her breast or neck I get traumatised and takes long to get past that helpless feeling.

 

Well you may say why i can't dump her? She has done lot of sacrifices & she is taking my care & it is not easy to take care of a person waiting for heart transplant. I never ever felt her frustration for having to look after me. She has never shown any carelessness. She would remain awake for days & night when i have slight angina. I reackon any other woman have quit under this circumstances. So when I put my legs in her shoes, i empathise with her but I have simply lost the confidance to talk openly about this.

 

Any advice appreciated?

[Bryanp]

I feel very sorry for you. You are in a very delicate situation.

The problem is that your wife has been screwing other men for the past 3 years and putting your health at great risk for STD's. You even caught her in the act. You have gotten sick again and she takes great care of you but continues to have sex with other men. She has borderline personality disorder which is virtually impossible to cure.

 

Only you can decide if you wish to continue living with a spouse that continues to have sex with other men behind your back. If the roles were reversed, would you have done what she has done and continues to do to you? If you are willing to accept this constant humiliation and disrespect then it is your choice. Are you better living with her or without her? I am just fearful she will catch some Sexually transmitted disease.

 

I think it sends a very bad message to your two sons about their mother when they will find out. It also sends a message to them about their father who apparently accepted their mother's infedility. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Apparently she feels she can continue to screw other men because she has no boundaries and you will do nothing. It is your life but I think you deserve better than this. It is bad enough that your wife does not respect you but it is worst that you do not truly respect yourself by allowing this to continue without consequences. I wish you luck.

[britchick]

Your story is so sad and it sounds as if you have tried to be really understanding towards your wife.

 

If she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I don't see her behaviour changing without a LOT of counselling and psychiatric input. I've worked with a lot of people with BPD and unfortunately it is a long road to any improvement, but it can happen.

 

I suppose the only kind of comfort I can offer you is that her behaviour is a symptom of her illness, and that people with BPD continually test the love, patience and friendship of the people closest to them.

 

People with this disorder tend to be impulsive and don't consider the consequences of their actions. As a result over time they tend to become more full of self loathing because of the things they have done and it turns into a vicious circle. They also tend to suffer extreme separation anxiety and can perceive even a business trip as a complete rejection, so I suppose it's no surprise that this started when you had to work away from home.

 

Often this disorder stabilises as people reach their 40s, although they still tend to be quite dysfunctional.

Obviously you can't leave because of your illness and it sounds as if you rely on her for your care but you can try to insist on her getting help. How has she reacted to her diagnosis? Is she open to getting professional help?

[Sup]

Let me introduce myself to you. I am 50 year old; Indian by origin, migrated to one of the developed county in 1998. Now citizen of the country I migrated. I have 40 years old wife married 20 years back & have two sons. I am waiting for heart transplant surgery as my heart is severely damaged one year back as a result of massive myocardial infarct. (Heart Attack)

 

I came across this site accidentally & was impressed by the quality of advice offered in most of the scenarios. At the same time, by reading other people's experiences, I realised that I am not alone in what I am going through at the moment. To be honest, the real purpose of writing my problem is to take steam off my chest rather than seeking advice. Of course any input / advice are welcome.

 

After migration, I started business & incurred heavy loss as a result I became bankrupt. My wife could not cope up with this and became chronically depressed. She has been on anti depressant medicine since then. I tried for job but could not get it for want of local experience so eventually I accepted the job offer for Middle East country. However, my wife got teaching job here so I had to go alone to Middle East for a job.

I used to join my family for four weeks after 11 months of working in gulf country. When I was to return third time from Gulf, the airline I was travelling offered 50% discount if I travel one day before my scheduled journey as they had some seating issue. I accepted the offer & did not inform my wife as I wanted to give her surprise.

 

I never knew that going one day earlier, my wife would surprise me. When I reached home at night, I saw my wife in compromising position. My wife's active participation in adultery like her passionate kissing, removing her clothes, parting her legs for final assault, to & fro rhythmic motion, her moaning in ecstasy literally humiliated me and was a trauma for me.

 

Even though I was devastated & hurt, I controlled my anger. I realised that open communication is the only way to go now. I discussed her extra marital relations without blaming her with a view to get her confesses everything. It worked & she confessed everything.

 

When I departed for the first time to Middle East, her first sexual encounter began in just second week after my departure. So she was being shagged for three years in my absence. I told her that I am ready to forgive her if she promises me to stop sleeping with any man other than me & remain exclusive to me in future. She was reluctant to promise or commit anything. I was surprised as to why she do not want to give up her promiscuity so I took her to the professional counsellor.

 

Professional Counsellor concluded that my wife is oversexed and has sexual addiction. She can't control her strong sexual urge for 11 months. She has compulsive sexual disorder. Because of her unusually prolonged depression, he sent her to psychiatrics for her mental health assessment. Psychiatrics diagnosed her as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that she uses sex as a coping mechanism to deal with day to day stresses as she has a very low stress tolerance threshold level. He suggested that I quit gulf job & stay with her so that she would not stray. I acted on his advice and stayed back. He again suggested that I take care of her sexual and emotional needs adequately as person with borderline personality Disorder are affair prone.

 

I saved my marriage by staying with her. One year went well. After that I got serious heart attack. My heart was damaged in the attack. I went through by pass surgery to open up blocked arteries but severe attack damaged heart muscle irreversibly. I can't walk more than 100 meters unless heart is transplanted. After this heart attack I am not capable of having Sex.

What I understand now is my wife is again involved in sex romp. It is on going now. I know she is having good time when she leaves home on different pretext. I have been trying my best to ignore her infidelity owing to my disability of having sex because of heart problem but when I see love bites on her breast or neck I get traumatised and takes long to get past that helpless feeling.

 

Well you may say why i can't dump her? She has done lot of sacrifices & she is taking my care & it is not easy to take care of a person waiting for heart transplant. I never ever felt her frustration for having to look after me. She has never shown any carelessness. She would remain awake for days & night when i have slight angina. I reackon any other woman have quit under this circumstances. So when I put my legs in her shoes, i empathise with her but I have simply lost the confidance to talk openly about this.

 

Any advice appreciated?

 

You caught her in the middle of riding someone else? :sick: :sick: :sick: No offense, But EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

If it were me, she would've been outta there so fast her head would've spun. Lose her man,don't take that from her, she won't stop.

[burning 4 revenge]

I know all too well about borderline personality disorder. Believe me, this behavior will not change. With you being unable to meet her sexual needs it cannot change. It's impossible. The only things that might change it are a lobotomy, or a clitorectomy and even then the odds are against you.

 

It says a lot about you that you are able to weigh her good points against her bad ones. You are grateful to her for standing by as your best friend during your health crisis. She is no longer your wife, however, and the best thing, the honorable thing is to make that official.

 

Sorry for your pain

[TheSilentType]

Dear sir,

 

I'm not sure why your wife is behaving like this, but perhaps the psychiatrist is right and she has a borderline personality disorder. People with this problem tend to be impulsive (do things without thinking), emotional labile (they jump from happy to sad or angry quickly), and are very sexually promiscuous. Women especially tend to have this particular disorder, and many of their relationships are very unstable.

 

The problem with a personality disorder is that the person who has it does not realize they have a problem. Its mostly recognizable to other people. Another problem is that these disorders tend to last a long time and becomes a part of the person. Therefore, if she truly does have this disorder, I don't know if she will ever change. So it could be that you may have to deal with this type of behavior for a long time. You have to ask yourself if this is something you can accept.

 

Perhaps another reason for your wife's behavior, aside from the personality disorder, may simply be that she was craving sexual attention.

I didn't read your post very carefully, but I don't recall you mentioning your sex life prior to leaving for the Middle East. Did you and your wife have sex frequently? If so, then maybe your wife got used to having sex often and couldn't deal with having none while you were gone for most of 3 years.

 

IMO, I think that once your wife has embarked on this type of behavior (i.e. seeking affairs), its going to be very hard to stop her in the future, especially now that you can't have sex with her because of your condition.

 

At the moment, don't do anything rash and affect the relationship you have with your wife. She is your caretaker, and so you will need her to help you get better.

 

But once you get better, have a really long talk with her about your problem. Perhaps you cannot have sex, but try to be more intimate in other ways (kissing, foreplay). Maybe that might put a slight damper on her looking to others for this stuff.

 

If the situation does not get better and you cannot tolerate it anymore, then look into going your seperate ways.

[Guest]

I feel very sorry for you. You are in a very delicate situation.

The problem is that your wife has been screwing other men for the past 3 years and putting your health at great risk for STD's. You even caught her in the act. You have gotten sick again and she takes great care of you but continues to have sex with other men. She has borderline personality disorder which is virtually impossible to cure.

 

Thanks for your valuable input. Well, i don't think she is doing it because she does not love me but multiple affairs are charecteristics of BPD so I consider her as mental patient & I have spent with her 25 years. We have seen & faced all our ups & downs of life together so there is tremendous amount of emotional investment involved. So I m prepared to wait untill my health issue is sorted out.

 

but thanks once again

[Guest]

Often this disorder stabilises as people reach their 40s, although they still tend to be quite dysfunctional.

Obviously you can't leave because of your illness and it sounds as if you rely on her for your care but you can try to insist on her getting help. How has she reacted to her diagnosis? Is she open to getting professional help?

 

Thanks for your input. She is getting professional help but since she is hyper sexual on top of BPD victim, it is unlikely that she would be stabilised because of her sexual frustration owing to my medical condition. Her chances of recovering from intense sexual impulsive behavour is slim as per therapist assessment. Therapist believe she might continue to have promiscuity for at least another 5 years.

 

Thanks for input.

[Guest]

You caught her in the middle of riding someone else? :sick: :sick: :sick: No offense, But EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

If it were me, she would've been outta there so fast her head would've spun. Lose her man,don't take that from her, she won't stop.

 

 

Thanks for your valuable opinion. I am prepared to err on saving marriage ( although i know what price i m paying) but not prepared to err in dumping her & then repent later. Living with her promiscuity is painful but leaving without her is also painful for me. I am trying to figure out which is less painful. I know , the answer to this question is obvious for 99.999 % people that living with wife's adultery is the most painful so it is easy option to choose. For me , although her behaviour upsets me but I am not able to hate my wife. This is some thing unusual but surprisingly true.

[Guest]

I know all too well about borderline personality disorder. Believe me, this behavior will not change. With you being unable to meet her sexual needs it cannot change. It's impossible. The only things that might change it are a lobotomy, or a clitorectomy and even then the odds are against you.

 

Doctors believe that Lobotomy & clitorectomy in her case would certainly not help. They tested her sexual hormone level, estrogen or something like that I don't remember exactly & found that her sex harmones are 400% ( 4 times) compared to the average woman's harmonal level at her age. So reducing her harmons by injection was an option but few test sugested that she would develop breast cancer if she go ahead with this treatment so was not considered.

 

But I m impressed by the knowledge you guys have even about BPD as this is generally less known disease.

[Guest]

Dear sir,

 

 

Perhaps another reason for your wife's behavior, aside from the personality disorder, may simply be that she was craving sexual attention.

I didn't read your post very carefully, but I don't recall you mentioning your sex life prior to leaving for the Middle East. Did you and your wife have sex frequently? If so, then maybe your wife got used to having sex often and couldn't deal with having none while you were gone for most of 3 years.

 

IMO, I think that once your wife has embarked on this type of behavior (i.e. seeking affairs), its going to be very hard to stop her in the future, especially now that you can't have sex with her because of your condition.

 

At the moment, don't do anything rash and affect the relationship you have with your wife. She is your caretaker, and so you will need her to help you get better.

 

But once you get better, have a really long talk with her about your problem. Perhaps you cannot have sex, but try to be more intimate in other ways (kissing, foreplay). Maybe that might put a slight damper on her looking to others for this stuff.

 

If the situation does not get better and you cannot tolerate it anymore, then look into going your seperate ways.

 

Thanks for your reply. Apart from BPD she is hyper sexual & we used to have sex daily & she is very passionate in sex not just passive partners. so I agree with your observation from that perspective. I tend to agree with your course of action as that suits my style of functioning while dealing with relationsheep problems.

[Sup]

Thanks for your valuable opinion. I am prepared to err on saving marriage ( although i know what price i m paying) but not prepared to err in dumping her & then repent later. Living with her promiscuity is painful but leaving without her is also painful for me. I am trying to figure out which is less painful. I know , the answer to this question is obvious for 99.999 % people that living with wife's adultery is the most painful so it is easy option to choose. For me , although her behaviour upsets me but I am not able to hate my wife. This is some thing unusual but surprisingly true.

 

Did you have your heart attack before this or after? It may be quite possible that, if this all happened before you attack, that it put a lot of strane on you heart, you said you held onto, controled your anger, you had every right to be very angry seeing all that, by holding all that anger inward it may have caused major stress on your heart. MAN I really feel for ya. I hate to say this, but, she may have a part in this indirectly. Lastly, this could have been going on through your whole marriage, there is usually more than just what has been told. Does your wife know that you know about her continuing her actions?

I'm sure she was very surprised when you walked in on her.

[Guest]

Did you have your heart attack before this or after? It may be quite possible that, if this all happened before you attack, that it put a lot of strane on you heart, you said you held onto, controled your anger, you had every right to be very angry seeing all that, by holding all that anger inward it may have caused major stress on your heart. MAN I really feel for ya. I hate to say this, but, she may have a part in this indirectly. Lastly, this could have been going on through your whole marriage, there is usually more than just what has been told. Does your wife know that you know about her continuing her actions?

I'm sure she was very surprised when you walked in on her.

 

I lived 3 years in Gulf from 2000 to 2003. I saw her in compromising position in 2003. After that i quit the job & never went back to Gulf. Then one year went well. I got attack in 2004 but I don't think it is related with wife's infidelity as i have a family history of heart attack at young age.

 

Through out my marital life, we have lived together except 3 years when i lived in Gulf. I believe that she did not sleep with any other man until i go to Gulf country. But you are correct in your observation that there is usually more than what has been told. It is true. She admitted having 6 sexual partners during 3 years time but when I checked all outgoing calls from my house for three years, sensual text massages received on her mobiles, messages left on answering machines and many other material I collected, I felt that she had intimate relationship with 16 people. She claims that she was only flirting with other people. Because she admitted sleeping with 6 people, I tend to believe that she may be telling truth. Because BPD affected people are impulsive, most of the encounters were spontaneous. The only consolation in this saga is there is no emotional affair with any one.

 

I said once, " Can't you at least prevent love bite marks on your neck & breast?" She just cried. She was ok for month or so then again she strayed. Now i don't find any marks on her body but there are many other signs that tells me what is going on. When she takes extra time to groom, use new panty, new perfume , i assume that she has some rendezvous planned for the day & her body language before & after she coming home also supports my doubts. Occassionately, she is struggling not to hurt me. She once tried to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills. BPD people go to any extreme whether it is sex or suicide. She was hospitalised for a week. All these episodes are preventing me to quit her . If i quit her who will look after her as no one will be ready to be in relatioship with BPD woman. She will comitt suicide. I really feel sorry for her as i look her as a pationt not as an adulterer.

[britchick]

Doctors believe that Lobotomy & clitorectomy in her case would certainly not help.

 

I should hope not, clitorectomy hasn't been used in psychiatry since the 1940's and is far more likely to lead to psychiatric illness than help it in any way. Lobotomy?????? Sorry have I just stepped back into the 1950s?

 

I can't imagine any psychiatrist in todays world even bringing those procedures up in a consultation (unless you have been seeing Freud and Freeman). If they did, find a real psychiatrist.

[Guest]

Let me introduce myself to you. I am 50 year old; Indian by origin, migrated to one of the developed county in 1998. Now citizen of the country I migrated. I have 40 years old wife married 20 years back & have two sons. I am waiting for heart transplant surgery as my heart is severely damaged one year back as a result of massive myocardial infarct. (Heart Attack)

 

I came across this site accidentally & was impressed by the quality of advice offered in most of the scenarios. At the same time, by reading other people's experiences, I realised that I am not alone in what I am going through at the moment. To be honest, the real purpose of writing my problem is to take steam off my chest rather than seeking advice. Of course any input / advice are welcome.

 

After migration, I started business & incurred heavy loss as a result I became bankrupt. My wife could not cope up with this and became chronically depressed. She has been on anti depressant medicine since then. I tried for job but could not get it for want of local experience so eventually I accepted the job offer for Middle East country. However, my wife got teaching job here so I had to go alone to Middle East for a job.

I used to join my family for four weeks after 11 months of working in gulf country. When I was to return third time from Gulf, the airline I was travelling offered 50% discount if I travel one day before my scheduled journey as they had some seating issue. I accepted the offer & did not inform my wife as I wanted to give her surprise.

 

I never knew that going one day earlier, my wife would surprise me. When I reached home at night, I saw my wife in compromising position. My wife's active participation in adultery like her passionate kissing, removing her clothes, parting her legs for final assault, to & fro rhythmic motion, her moaning in ecstasy literally humiliated me and was a trauma for me.

 

Even though I was devastated & hurt, I controlled my anger. I realised that open communication is the only way to go now. I discussed her extra marital relations without blaming her with a view to get her confesses everything. It worked & she confessed everything.

 

When I departed for the first time to Middle East, her first sexual encounter began in just second week after my departure. So she was being shagged for three years in my absence. I told her that I am ready to forgive her if she promises me to stop sleeping with any man other than me & remain exclusive to me in future. She was reluctant to promise or commit anything. I was surprised as to why she do not want to give up her promiscuity so I took her to the professional counsellor.

 

Professional Counsellor concluded that my wife is oversexed and has sexual addiction. She can't control her strong sexual urge for 11 months. She has compulsive sexual disorder. Because of her unusually prolonged depression, he sent her to psychiatrics for her mental health assessment. Psychiatrics diagnosed her as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that she uses sex as a coping mechanism to deal with day to day stresses as she has a very low stress tolerance threshold level. He suggested that I quit gulf job & stay with her so that she would not stray. I acted on his advice and stayed back. He again suggested that I take care of her sexual and emotional needs adequately as person with borderline personality Disorder are affair prone.

 

I saved my marriage by staying with her. One year went well. After that I got serious heart attack. My heart was damaged in the attack. I went through by pass surgery to open up blocked arteries but severe attack damaged heart muscle irreversibly. I can't walk more than 100 meters unless heart is transplanted. After this heart attack I am not capable of having Sex.

What I understand now is my wife is again involved in sex romp. It is on going now. I know she is having good time when she leaves home on different pretext. I have been trying my best to ignore her infidelity owing to my disability of having sex because of heart problem but when I see love bites on her breast or neck I get traumatised and takes long to get past that helpless feeling.

 

Well you may say why i can't dump her? She has done lot of sacrifices & she is taking my care & it is not easy to take care of a person waiting for heart transplant. I never ever felt her frustration for having to look after me. She has never shown any carelessness. She would remain awake for days & night when i have slight angina. I reackon any other woman have quit under this circumstances. So when I put my legs in her shoes, i empathise with her but I have simply lost the confidance to talk openly about this.

 

Any advice appreciated?

 

I myself have dating a 30 year old woman with BPD for three years. I have suffered her disorder for 2 years before discovering she had BPD. When I first read it's symptoms, my jaw dropped. She meets 8 of the 9 DSM-IV criteria for BPD. When I first approached her BPD and getting help, she denied having it. When asking her about her obvious sex with other men, she would never admit it. She would always make up stories to cover-up her guilty actions. Borderlines are chronic liars and extremely manipulative. Our relationship was physically unhealthy for both of us. I realize that three years is nothing compared to being married to someone for 20, but I decided to move on even though it was, as still is, extremely painful.

DSM-IV criteria number 4 : "4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior."

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow-I wonder if any H acted in the same way of this WS if everyone would be so quick to wonder if he had BPD...