My story. Obsession. How do i stop thinking about her and get "closure".

[KNE10]

IT's been 3 months since my breakup. This is the original story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92730/?highlight=KNE10

(is long since the breakup was fresh when i wrote it and i was babbling away:) ).

 

After the initial pleading and contacting, i decided to go no contact. I broke it in a week by driving by her house at 6am and being "lucky" enough to see a guy driving away. At least this helped be to maintain NC.

 

After two weeks she sent me a message wishing that i was well. I replied that i wished the same for her to get a reply saying she was fine! About 10 days after this message, i called her, pretended that everything was ok and asked her out for lunch. She accepted gladly. We met on the same day and had a nice casual conversation. The next day she called me to ask me for the directions to a place she wanted to go. I got my hopes up after that and did the mistake to initiate contact a few times and we talked casually. The communication with her made me realise that she is still with someone else and i found out who he was and that he must have flirted with her before we broke up (she mentioned his name saying that she was just hanging out with him because she hooked up his friend with her friend and i found out that the car i saw at her place was his). I never asked her about it but she implied that she was not seeing anyone. I was initiating all contact until she told me twice that she will call me back and never did. I decided not to contact her again as she started to show contempt and was not honest with me.

 

On my birthday, she sent a message first thing in the morning and called 4 times when i didn't reply. I did the mistake to finally reply and she was pissed off because i wasn't answering. I thanked her for her wishes and told her i was busy organising a party (which was true). Two days later i called her and asked her to have coffee with me. I wanted to see how she will reply. She lied to me that she was going out of town and a few hours later i saw her with her new guy shopping. She never admitted she had someone else and chose to ignore me rather than telling me the truth why we broke up. I sent her what i thought would be a "closure" message. Telling her that i knew that she is seeing someone else and asking her not to contact me again as i would do the same. I just asked her to send me some stuff i still had at her house. I thought this was it. Now i am free. Ofcourse she didn't reply.

 

I was seeing another girl at the time, we spent our holidays together and i was happy. However she will be working in another country for the next 3 years and after 2 great weeks together she left. She told me to visit her when i have time and she might come for Christmas. I don't think though a long distance relationship would help me right now. She wanted us to have a relationship but we both knew that it doesn't have a future and i didn't So i had a second loss since i really liked this girl (however it had rebound written all over it and i never evolved the feelings i had when i met my ex).

 

As that wasn't enough a few days when the new girl left my ex sends me a message asking me where to put the stuff (as if she would leave them outside on my doorstep!) I ignored her, she called 5 mins later i don't answer. The next day she sends another message that she is waiting for an answer. She knew how to send them. She sent me things before. I could not stand any more communication with her. After a few days her mother called me. From the info she gave me i realised that maybe it's over between her and the new guy as she spent the whole of last week with her family (they were on holiday). She kept the other guy a secret from her parents although she is living right next to them (only brought him over when they are away at weekends). I know because her mother contacts me every now and then as she loves me like a son and was very upset of everything that happened and the way her daughter treated me. I did not let her know what i knew though, but could not resist getting information from her. My ex would get crazy if she knew i kept contact with her mother.

 

I sent her a message saying that i need the stuff, but i would prefer that she sends them by courrier or have someone drop them off at my workplace. She replied that she threw them away and that i should not bother her again. I got very pissed off but i didn't reply. I started to think that she might have got pissed off for ignoring her. After a few days i sent her another "closure" message saying that she had nothing to gain from throwing the stuff away, that i wasn't going to bother her again anyway and that i hoped she was happy and well. She replied saying the following!!! "I didn't throw them away, i am not happy (just well), i am not seeing anyone. I will bring the stuff to you next week."

I did not reply. She sent another message after a few hours. "Will you be home tomorrow afternoon? I had already told her to send them, why did she want to come over???!!! I did not reply but the next day when she called i answered and told her i would be at home if she wanted to come. She came and sat for about 10 mins. Didn't take off her sunglasses the whole time (it was almost dark). We talked generally about the holidays and where we went and she told me she wasn't feeling very well the last week and had stomach problems (she always had problems with her stomach when she was stressed and sad). She said "i have to go, we will talk". I asked her "you think that we will talk ?" and she replied "i will think about it". This answer ticked me off and i told her

" i think that we should not contact each other anymore as it affects me"

 

WHY ON EARTH DID I HAVE TO SAY THAT and show her my weakness? She replied in an indifferent way "OK, No problem", and left.

 

That maybe was closure for her but still not for me. Why did she have to come, pretending to be all unhappy? I had to find out. So after about a week of NC i passed from her house and the guy's car was there. That would be closure for me as well right?

 

But NO. I still think about what she did to me and that she didn't have the guts to tell me the truth. I had things to tell her that i never did since i was playing games in a way to win her back. I wanted to let her know that i knew who the guy was. That she should have been honest with me to make it easier for me to move on. The very fact that i never confronted her about this guy bothers me. She knew him from before. He was the reason for the breakup not me. Also her refusal to give me money back for "our" new bedroom ,that i paid for a few days before we broke up, when she found money to buy other things also bothers me. It's not the money but the moral issue.

 

How do i get true closure? It's been 3 months and i still think of her every day and can't get out of my system what she did to me. Even when i was with the other girl there were moments that i got sad. Ofcourse the contact we had did not help at all.

 

But i get the urge to send her a last message telling her EXACTLY what i know getting it out of my system. I want to tell her that she was very selfish not to tell me (maybe she didn't want her parents to find out at this point as they were very disturbed from our breakup, but still selfish). It's like i feel there is unfinished business. Please help me not to send it!!!!!

 

I don't know what to do. I can't let her affect my life anymore. I know i have been worse, but after 3 months and going on a few dates i thought i would have healed. Why am i so obsessed with what happened? Every morning i wake up and think that all this was a bad dream. I just can't let go. I KNOW that we can't be together again for trust issues alone, but i still think about it. I don't know why. I love her but she can't love me the way i want and she proved to me that she was not who i thought she was. I was blind out of my love for her to see the truth. Why can't i stop thinking about her?

 

There are plenty girls out there and by staying stuck on the past doesn't allow me to truly move on and be happy. I know that the right thing to do is have patience and not rush into a new relationship but only the idea of her having a blast with the new guy drives me crazy.

 

There are things that make it harder on me to make her disappear from my thoughts. We live close to each other and every now and then i see her on the road. This upsets me still. I still leave on my flat that we stayed together and i can't afford right now to change the surroundings.

 

Should i seek therapy as this is starting to seem as an obsession, or should i leave it to time and NC and hope that this will pass?

[BannaBee57]

I, myself have decided that if I'm not feeling much better by month 3 then I will be seeking therapy. This may help you too. I feel that three months should be long enough for me to start coming out of the funk as my ex and I were together for over 2 years. But, I also suggest to not focus on the time its taking you to progress, as this might be hurting you. Thinking too much about the days, weeks, and months since you've been apart is a sign that you may be dwelling on it too much. I would give therapy a try and don't give up too quickly if you feel that it's not helping...you get out of it what you put into it.

 

Good luck,

Breanna