scared to death Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I have found this forum at an opportune time in my life, and I hope no one minds a non-member letting some things out. My husband has been involved in an "emotional affair" with a coworker for a few months. D-Day was August 8, the day after our son's birthday. He had been talking about the OW for awhile, and I told him (jokingly) that he must be in love with her because he mentioned her so often and got a goofy look on his face when he talked about her. Anyway, he was on vacation the first week of August and he was dying to go out with some coworkers to a local bar. (He works midnights and this was on a Monday when he usually would have been asleep or working.) Being the extra cool/stupid spouse that I am, I encouraged him to go. He finally came in from the bar around 1 AM and didn't even look at me. The next morning, he was on his cell phone and suddenly had to go to a neighboring town with a male friend from work. Later that night (the 8th), I started thinking about that and it didn't add up. I checked his cell phone, and he had been on the phone with OW. There were also several text messages from him to her, but none from her because he learned how to delete those. I got online and checked the details of his calls, and he had been texting her and talking to her for HOURS. Like the rational person I am, I woke him up and started screaming, and within about 10 minutes he said he wanted a divorce. He told me that the OW understood him, and really listened to him, and was interested in the same things as him. I, on the other hand, was too involved with "petty things" (like caring for our son who has special needs, and completing a Masters Degree in 12 months) to pay attention to him. He said he was so relieved now that he'd brought up divorce. Anyway, to make a long story short, I was shocked by this revelation, and I absolutely refused to give him a divorce. Instead, I acted like a child and called the OW to tell her to leave him alone. I threatened to get her fired, which I could actually do but don't intend to. Since then, things are a little better between us but they still work together. He's actually her supervisor. Every night when he goes to work, I stay awake worrying. I know he is still talking to her - and not just about work - because I check the cell phone records religiously now. I actually took the text messaging off his phone, but who am I kidding? They spend 40 hours a week together, including 2 hours of "supervision time" every week. I believe him when he says he hasn't slept with her, but I almost wish he had. It would be so much easier if that was all I was contending with. I don't really know what I hope to gain by posting this here. I guess I just want to put this out there for others, so they know they aren't alone, and for myself, because I haven't really thought about the whole picture. This is the worst pain I have ever been in, and every time something else happens I feel like I'm going to die. If anyone has been through something like this and survived, I would love to hear from you. Thanks so much to the forum admins who created such an awesome place!
lovelylady1234 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. I will say that it IS possible that this EA, will fizzle out, but if he is game I would try to get some counseling to see why he feels this way. I doubt you want to spend the rest of your life digging through his stuff and trying to spy him. Also, was there any signs that he was unhappy before you found this out?
scared to death Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. I will say that it IS possible that this EA, will fizzle out, but if he is game I would try to get some counseling to see why he feels this way. I doubt you want to spend the rest of your life digging through his stuff and trying to spy him. Also, was there any signs that he was unhappy before you found this out? Thanks for your reply. We had both been unhappy for a long time; just so caught up in our individual lives that we forgot about each other. I definitely take responsibility for my share of the problems, but it's hard to stay connected when we only see each other 2 days a week. We're opposed to counseling for two different reasons. For him, it's personal - he just doesn't want to air his dirty laundry for a stranger. For me, it's professional - I am a therapist and there are very few counselors that I would trust not to judge me once they know about my problems. It's a small town, and that would honestly affect my ability to find work. I am using some of the same techniques I use with my own married clients and hoping for the best. It's so much easier to understand these situations from the outside, but I have absolutely zero ability to comprehend it in my own life.
lovelylady1234 Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I am a social worker so I understand. It actually caused problems b/c he always thought I was diagnosing him, or looking at him like a client. Maybe you can try to reconnect, can you two take a vacation? What does he say about the OW? Where do you think his mind is in regards to the marriage?
Recommended Posts