Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 My boyfriend Greg and I were together for three years and we broke up for a very short period of time, like a month. During this month he reconnected with an old friend from the past, Courtney....Courtney and him started hanging out every night. They became very close, and they started calling each other their "best friend." While they were friends Greg came back to me and said he wanted to change and make the relationship work. He did a really amazing job at showing me he cared and made many important changes. He started taking me out more and spending more time with me and being more affectionate. He started to fight fair. But one thing didn't change. Courtney. Courtney was still a huge part of his life, still his "best friend." They would hang out every night...he'd hang out with me and then when I had to get home to go to bed he'd go pick her up and they would hang out at his brother's apartment. He would take her home from work a lot and spend hours with her family at her house. When Greg and I were hanging out she would text him and say, "Are we going to hang out tonight? Are you still with her?" It got to a point where I felt very uncomfortable. She and Greg both assured me that they were just best friends and that they had no attraction for each other. When I talked to her about it she told me they just "clicked" and that he loved me so much and that I had nothing to worry about. It still bothered me that he was hanging out with another girl almost every night and being so close to her. We talked to his mother about it who always gives great advice and she told me that their hanging out so often was excessive for someone who was trying to be in a relationship. She suggested he cut it down. So he called her and talked to her the other night and said, "I am trying to work out with my girlfriend, and I love her, and it makes her upset that we are together so much...so I think we need to cut down spending time together and keep talking under the radar." She got upset and cussed at him and hung up the phone. I tried to talk to her about it last night but she just pushed me away and said I was "trying to keep Greg from being her best friend and spending time doing what he likes to do just because I wanted to feel better about our relationship." She said she would miss him too much if she had to hang out with him less. At this point I started to feel awful for making her so upset; I started to feel controlling and jealous, so I called my boyfriend and said, "Look, I can't feel like this anymore...hang out with her as much as you want and be as close to her as you want and I will just have to deal." He got upset...and I asked him if he really wanted to be with her less and he said, "I think it's stupid because we're just friends, but I love you and don't want to do that if it hurts you." Now I feel like I am just keeping them apart. I feel wretched because they say they are "best friends." But it just doesn't seem right to have a friend of the opposite sex be that close to you if you actually want a relationship with someone else. On the other hand...isn't the fact that he wants to hang out with another girl so much an indication that I am not doing something for him? Shouldn't I be his best friend if he really had a good relationship with me?
sockpuppet Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 You're right for feeling that way. I'm someone who doesn't really believe very much in best-friendships b/t sexes. Someone almost always develops feelings. In this case, Courtney's reaction shows that she does have feelings for him, and she wants him to herself. I don't know how your boyfriend feels about her, but either way, something is terribly wrong if he's spending that much time 1 on 1 with another girl. Friends are ok to have, but when a friend of the opposite sex is practically monopolizing their time, something isn't right. It sounds controlling, but in general I don't feel like my girlfriend should need a best friend that's a guy while she's got me, that's my job. He's obviously very considerate for not wanting to hurt you, just see what happens. You're not overly jealous or controlling in my opinion.
lone she-wolf Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I have been in this exact situation and I was the best friend (I'm female). It was perfectly innocent, btw. I don't think you are "right" about this. He came back to you after they re-connected right? Also, does he turn down plans with you, in order to be with her? If not, then whats the problem? People of opposite sex should not be best friends (says the above poster). I really don't understand that. You are just jealous. I would be too. Shake it off. That does not give you the right to encourge him to spend less time with her. You may even make it worse. What I would do? Well, he NOW knows that it kind of bothers you. I would keep with the attitude that you want them spending as much time as they want. If he really cares about your feelings, he will slack off the other girl a little.
ShoeGirl Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I am in the same situation as you, but my boyfriend lives with her and her boyfriend... I think that hanging out with her everynight is a little much, once or twice a week at most sounds reasonable to me. I think that you should stand your ground and not let her impeed on your relationship. My boyfriend has tried to tell his best friend that she needs to chill out and not bug him when I am on the phone (we are long distance), he has even gone as far as to put a sign on his door telling her not to come in.
norajane Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 So he called her and talked to her the other night and said, "I am trying to work out with my girlfriend, and I love her, and it makes her upset that we are together so much...so I think we need to cut down spending time together and keep talking under the radar." She got upset and cussed at him and hung up the phone. How nice of him to put ALL the blame on you. It's your problem and, poor him, he's just caught in the middle. Keep talking under the radar? So he thinks it's good to start hiding the extent of his relationship now? A man who loves and respects you would not have put the blame on you. He'd have just told her during one of their hanging out times that HE thinks they're spending too much time together without making it all your fault. And there's no reason for them to be spending every night hanging out with each other. Everyone has a best friend and they don't spend EVERY night together. That's just excessive, and if he can't understand that, then HE has the problem. What is she, his security blanket? If I were you, I'd start spending more time with my friends and dating other people.
Guest Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Big problem...everything kind of blew up tonight... So we had a great day and we talked about this whole problem some more...and then I went home and got a call from him. "I wanted to go over to Courtney's tonight...would that be a problem?" (I could hear he was driving and already on his way over) I said, "No..." While he was on his way over I called her up (I feel close enough to her to do that) and talk to her about it. She was once again acting like a complete bitch to me acting like I had no reason to be upset. I told her, "I just feel liky you're not respecting the boundaries of our relationship." She said, "No, you need to respect ME." She blamed me for my boyfriend's depression (which is partially true because we have had a bad month) and said she had no reason to respect me. I got angry and basically insinuated that her short-lived, intense friendship with him was nothing compared to our three and a half relationship. I basically implied that she had nothing on me... So he came over and we were still talking...he didn't want to hear her talking to me so he went outside to have a smoke...of course I was very upset at this point having to talk to another girl about why she felt that I, as his girlfriend, had less say in anything than she did. It felt odd having to get defensive with another girl over MY BOYFRIEND. When we were on the phone he came in and talked to me. I told him, "This is ridiculous, everyone I have talked to about this thinks this is all excessive and unfair!" And he said, "Well, you're wrong and they're wrong!" I got so pissed I hung up, because he was basically taking her side right in front of her. He left her house and then called me and apologized and said he is going to drop her as a friend for a while because it's causing me too much harm. The whole situation is ridiculous because it's like...when he was around her he acted like I was crazy and had no justification and then when he left her house he called me...I understand he was in the middle but GOD...
rainfall Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I know I would not be totally ok with my boyfriend having a best friend who was a girl especially if he spend almost every night hanging out with her. I think if you are in a realtionship with someone you should consider them your best friend though so I'd probably be more upset about the fact that some chick other then me was considered his best friend. However I suggest talking to him and telling him you'd be OK with them being friends and hanging out as long as its not an everynight thing. Just as long as he shows you that you mean more to him then she does try to trust him and see how it goes.
britchick Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I don't think you are overreacting to this. I would feel pretty uncomfortable in your situation. Her reaction is quite telling though, your boyfriend may only see her as a friend but I think she sees it differently. For instance, I have a very close female friend (I'm female) and we used to spend so much time together that her husband began to feel a bit neglected. We both felt terrible about it, so cut down drastically on the amount of time we spent together. There is no way I'd want to have any part in hurting their relationship, there were no scenes or crying for god's sake and I certainly don't harbour any bad thoughts towards her husband. He was just being honest, in fact he felt quite embarrassed about his feelings, poor thing. The point is we are friends, we are not in love (obviously) so those extreme emotions shouldn't even surface, if they do, it's not a friendship, it's more.
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I do have to agree...at this point it's destroying my emotions. I have asked him to give me some space. My reasoning was I just want to learn to cool down about this and that I didn't want to have to hear about them spending time together so much again. He said that after that night he wasn't going to hang out with her for a very long time...he said it wasn't worth being so upset over. But the funny thing is I know at some point in the very near future I am going to get a call that says, "Would it really be okay if I went to Courtney's" (while he's on his way over there already of course) "because she needs me because of ________." And this girl is a complete bitch to me now...I said some things out of frustration and hurt, unfortunately, but apologized and she is still acting cold and doesn't even care to talk to me. Such a terrible situation. And my boyfriend called me later that night and said, "I got to thinking...how am I ever going to have any kind of female friends? How am I going to meet them? It's always going to be a problem." I then explained to him how I had met some guy friends (quite a few) over the past few years but they have never created a problem because I never let them become big enough in my life to. And the close guy friends I do have come from many years of friendship...and I DON'T see them on a daily basis. Or even talk to them on a daily basis. Why should I need to?
gemmab2020 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I think that him seeing her so much is way too much!!! If it was a guy you probably would still get annoyed but the fact that its another girl just makes it slightly worse. You would still feel neglected if he was hanging with the guys every night!!! and yep, she deffo does feel more for him than friendship. I know cuz I am there myself at the minute (although the guy doesn't have a gf) but I like to have him all to myself etc... would trample on anyone and everyones toes to get to him. (Yea,,, I know I am a bitch) but I want him more than anything. I can live with just having him as a friend though. But anyway, back to you.. he needs to respect your boudaries. And someone else mentioned something about how he shouldn't have put the blame onto you when he called her first time round. That is so true!! Maybe he is enjoying it all a little bit???? Maybe he likes to think of hisself as a bit of a stud and feels that the both of you are fighting over him a little bit and its boosting his ego???? And his depression is not your fault. That's something outside of your control. Aslong as you are feeling that you are are being fair to yourself and everyone else, do not let anyone tell you different!!!!
nicki Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Okay, you've told him how you feel. You've been very reasonable in telling him what you will accept about this situation. He should clearly show her and tell her that you are number one in his life. If she's acting bi#tchy to you, he should be offended and tell her to cut it out. If you want to stay with him, then I'd get a few male friends fast....or make a few up. Maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine. But, really, he doesn't seem to care about how you feel or what you want.
gemmab2020 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 So have there been any movements in this over the weekend??? I am really interested to see what you end up doing to kick this guy of yours into touch!! Don't let him do this to you!!!!
Spinderella Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I agree with giving him a taste of his own medicine. Invent a guy friend, or get one, and when he next wants to get together say you would but you have arranged to meet up with "Phil" this evening. If he questions you on this, you can say that you are just friends.
gemmab2020 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 It is a lot easier said than done however... I tried this with one of my exes before and when I seen his puppy-dog eyes look at me I buckled and didn't follow through. You have to be strong and stick to your guns!
Spinderella Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 It is a lot easier said than done however... I tried this with one of my exes before and when I seen his puppy-dog eyes look at me I buckled and didn't follow through. You have to be strong and stick to your guns! True, but it is easier than this endless battle of trying to get him to see her point of view using argument. Sometimes the only way to get a point across is a good dose of their own medicine.
gemmab2020 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I get ya Spinders... but if she is way too nice for her own good (and she sounds as if she is!!!) she will end up with a dose of the guilties when she begins giving him a taste of his own medicine... when it should be the other way around!! I am just saying he will probably make her feel bad and may turn the tables around slightly so that she is the bady (which she is sooooo not). Just saying that plans sometimes have a way of coming and biting you in the butt! USE WITH CAUTION!!
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