higherground5 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Hi All, So I've been single going on two years now. My last relationship was pretty rough, seeing that it looked like I was caught in the middle of a rebound relationship with a girl I was semi-friends with for a while. Anyway, during this two year period I had some what of a "self-reflection" period so I could A.) get over my previous relationship, B.) have some fun with the dating scene, and most importantly C.) figure out my standards in a girl. So as I accomplished all three endeavors quite successfully, and to cut to the chase, I ended up meeting this girl at one of my favorite dive bars in town. [it was a stellar night as the band was nestled in the corner of the pub, and I was sipping down a rich tasting guisness]. This girl caught the corner of my eye, and I just had to go up to her the first chance I had. During the set break, I went outside with a couple of friends, and then I saw her come outside as well, so I went up to her. We had about a 10 minute conversation w/o any exchange of phone numbers, but come to my surprise, the next day I found a note from her on Myspace, so she apparently made the effort to look me up. Anyway, we went out on a quick date one afternoon that lasted for a few hours (threw a disk at the park). From this point on, we had two more dates, in which we ended up sleeping with eachother on the third date. Then we had another date where nothing happened sexually, and two more which resulted in us having sex (which is not a bad thing). Anyway, my point is that on the first date we had, she mentioned she just got out of a ****ty 5 year relationship, and she's been alone for about a month or so. So at this point I'm wigging out because I see this girl is everything my standards comply to, and yet it seems like I'm being stalked once again by the "rebound" God. So the other night I revisited my question about her recent relationship and asked her how long she's been out of her previous 5 yr relationship, and she mentioned that it was about a month, but that it was on and off during the last year. Now I'm trying to put things in perspective and figure out the best way to approach this situation because I seriously can't handle another rebound relationship situation. So far I've done a good job keeping it casual, not pressuring her in any fashion, such as talking about my feelings etc, and trying at best to stay in control and not let her dictate the relationship. So my fellow loveshack compatriotes, should I throw in the towel and walk away? Or is there such a thing as a successful relationship at this point? I'm thinking the odds are against me... Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Thanks, Forbin
dame_mas Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 hi forbin.. the girls situation is a bit like mine... see i brokeup after a 3 1/2 yrs relationship and was with the guy..after break up.. for about a year..then i renewd ties with an old friend of mine who was at one point interested in dating me(i had turned him down) so he got talking and all ncie to me..calling me up so often.all came from his part, not me.. i was sad and welcomed his care and concern.but things got little more serious for him(he had a gf in the states) and he was scared of his old feelings for me so he made up a bull story about ME being on rebound thats why i was responding to him NOW after 2yrs! i got so mad at the guy that i just cut al contacts... now after 2yrs clean from all relationships i met another guy... well, thats a different story. what i mean to say is that people often confuse about being on rebound... which in many cases is not true. dnt try to compare a past relationship and let its shadow fall on the new one.
Author higherground5 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Yeah. I'm having a hard time deciphering whether or not this seems legitimate. I mean she has never mentioned her previous bf at all so maybe it was a terrible experience for her where it only took a small amount of time to get over it. On the other hand, IT WAS 5 YEARS. I mean this is not a walk in the park. I'm not sure how open she will be with her feelings, and if they are indeed true feelings for me and not still feelings for her previous bf. I've been thinking about telling her maybe we should go our separate ways for a while so she can get out her unresolved feelings for her ex (if any at all). On the flip side, I could be over reacting because we are taking it slow, and I only see her at most 2 times a week. Any other feedback? Thanks
Aloros Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Wow, can I relate. I was in a five (almost six) year relationship. We were on and off for the last year. I broke up with him for the last time, and started dating someone else a month later. It's been a couple months, and we're going strong. I'm a lucky girl. I'd say give her a chance. If they were on and off for the last year, she probably did her grieving back then. I'd also say it's a good sign that she's not going on and on about her ex. For me, it was over, done with, and I was ready to move on. I no longer wanted to talk about what happened, where things went wrong, etc. The past is past. It sounds like she's in a place where she's ready to move forward. Some people take less time to get over a breakup (regardless of how long they'd been dating) than others. Be cautious, but don't push her away. If she's not over her last relationship, you'd probably have found out by now.
DeeBrod83 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Usually they say it's takes about a month for every year you were together, good bad or ugly. Even if it was a rotten relationship, I'm sure she's still 'rebounding'. That's not to say she's not ready to move on, but I'd just take it slow. Give her a chance to get her barrings and get herself back on track. Keeping it casual will give you both a chance to progress without getting your heart too involved too quickly.
Author higherground5 Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 Thanks for the replies. Absolutely; I definitely feel as if I should give her a chance. It's funny--I received an email from her last night about Love V.4.0 (if you have no idea what I'm talking about Google it). So as she's sending me an email, well, essentially about love, I got even more confused. I started thinking to myself, "Is she rushing her feelings?" or "Maybe she thought it would be funny to send it to me because I'm a tech guy?". So I didn't reply to the email, but today I received a text from her asking if I read it. So I said "yes, thanks for that", and I proceeded to ask her if she was "trying to get a message across because I don't want to be rude". So then she responded with "don't read into it--you know I enjoy hanging out with you--that's about all there is to know". So I replied with "word. exactly my thoughts" (I figured I would play it cool), and that was that. So what does this mean man?!?!? So I'm not sure if I did anything to freak her out because I basically looked at it as she's the one rushing her feelings so I could try to insinuate that I'm the one not ready for a love relationship. So at this point, I'm strictly playing it cool, and seeing that it appears I should move slowly, not talk about feelings, and just have a good time, that's my only option if I want to increase my chances of this developing into something bigger in the future... Forbin
Author higherground5 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 So on the third date after the last post, she brought up her ex once. Although, it was pretty much the first time she brought him up so I wasn't that concerned. Last night she came over and we hung out, and when we were talking on my bed, she came out and said that she felt "awkward". I asked for her to elaborate, which she didn't. So anyway, after she left I received a message from her later that night saying that every time she hangs out with me she feels herself getting closer to me. I called her up and we talked about it, and I mentioned how this is very risky because of her recent 5 year relationship. In conclusion, she thinks this is a good situation and wants to take it slow. So am I being a fool here or should I give her the benefit of the doubt? I mean I do like her, but again, I don't want this to blow up in my face. Forbin.
Author higherground5 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 So I just found out that this girl I'm dating broke up with her ex, it wasn't her ex that broke up with her. I think that changes the landscape of my concern about me being a rebound. Any thoughts on this? I'm still frightened though that this isn't going to work out...I mean she was in a relationship for 5 years!
Guest Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 It's almost impossible to know for sure. I recently got out of what I believe is a rebound relationship. He was in a horrible 7yr relationship and still had not completely healed. I do believe people have to heal. We always had a great time and had alot in common, but when it came down to loving someone I don't think he was ready. He was still very hurt. Maybe u could stay friends and talk with her about her past relationship. Try not to get emotionally attached. When it becomes a relationship u can't really talk as friends and really see what is on her mind. Hope that makes sense.
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