Complicated and Crazy!

[cocoblue]

Hi All,

I've been coming to this site for a while trying to find some answers about the situation I have found myself in. You all seem like a pretty good group and I thought it was time to put my stuff on the table. I hope you'll forgive me if this gets long, but here it goes...

 

This guy that I work with had the hots for me since he started working at my company two years ago. When I would see him, he would always compliment me on how I looked and make it a special point to come to my office to speak with me when he could. I found out through another co-worker that he was interested in me. He's a few years younger than me and I've never dated anyone younger than me. Anyway, I haven't been seeing anyone serious for the last couple of years and I wasn't interested in getting involved with someone I worked with. But I did find myself participating in a mild flirtation with him for a while. He is very attractive, but I was still hestitant to do anything about it. He invited me to his home a few times to chill out, watch movies, and cook for me, but I always turned him down. Anyway, I don't know what happened, but I did start to develop an interest in him. Speeding up a bit, when I did finally let him know that I was interested in him and when I told him via text message, I didn't get the response from him that I thought I was going to get. Okay, here is where it gets crazy. Here's the timeline:

Back in mid-March, needless to say, I was baffled that he didn't seem to show as much interest in me for a while until I asked him what was going on. He responded that he didn't want to play with my emotions and that because I didn't seem interested in him anymore that he stopped showing interest. That same day, Friday, we went to a happy hour after work and after we both left the happy hour, we talked for a long time about him, basically. We talked about his mother whom he lost his mother to breast cancer last year and he was down emotionally because her death anniversary was around the corner and he was in the process of selling her home and it was emotionally draining for him. That Monday when we got back to work, I sent him an email to ask him how his weekend went, blah, blah, blah. Taking my version of a couragous step, in our email traffic, I asked him when were he and I going to "hook up." Meaning, when were we going to start going out. Again, I got a response that blew me away. He said that he didn't know. Okay, after that, I was pissed. I decided to leave the situation alone after that. I made up my mind that he was full of crap at that point. Okay, that same week on that Wednesday, he comes into my office and takes a seat. He says to me that concerning the question about us hooking up, that he couldn't give me the time that he felt I deserved because he was "going through something." I asked if it was something bad and he said, "not necessarily." My big mistake was not asking what it was. I assumed that because he was still grieving his mother's death and that he had to sell her house and he was buying his own house that he didn't want to do anything about us until he got himself together. So I let it go. Out of concern for him, that next week his mother's death date came up, I gave him a card of encouragement to uplift his spirits. Needless to say, he was very touched by the gesture. I think he was surprised because I never knew his mom. But I wanted to let him know that I cared. So now into April, it seems we are going to get something going here. He invites me to his home and I finally give in after he's asked me to come over several times. We had a good time just getting to know one another. He would come to my office a lot and we would talk and joke around. We would go out to lunch and it was nice. It was just how I wanted it. Now, May rolls around and we are still doing the lunch/after work at his place stuff. This was cool with me for the moment because I'm a local makeup artist in the area I work in and the wedding season was in high gear for me, so anytime I could spend with him was great. So this one particular Tuesday in May, the Tuesday before Memorial Day Weekend, we were on email at work. The last email I got from him that day said that he needed to talk to me about something. He left work before I could go to his office. So I texted him and asked what he wanted to talk to me about. He said that he would talk to me that next day. So I'm on pins and needles all Tuesday evening. I couldn't figure out what he wanted to say to me. I was very nervous because I always think the worst. Wednesday, May 24, he comes into my office, sits down and he goes into the conversation back in March about him not being able to give me the kind of time I deserved because he is going to be a FATHER!!!!! I was speechless!!!!!!!!!!!! He went on about how he "cared about my feelings" and he wanted me to find out from him first and not from someone else because he knew that we started to get closer from the time we had been spending together. I didn't know what to say or do. He kept waiting for a response, but I couldn't give him one. The only thing I said was, "So what does that mean for us?" He said, "I don't know right now." Since I was visibly hurt, I got a friend of mines who worked nearby to walk with me because I needed someone to talk to. Fast forward to that afternoon, I asked him what he was doing afterwork. He said that he was going home. I told him that I needed to talk to him. I went over to his house and that's when things got really complicated. After speaking with him, I asked him who was the woman that he got pregnant. He said that she was someone he dated off and on for three years and that they broke up because when his mother died, she was not there for him because he wasn't paying her any attention. So she broke it off. She came back into the picture and now she's pregnant (four or five months at this time). I asked if he was going to marry her and he said that he didn't know. So at this point, my mind is going in so many directions. I'm clouded and I cannot see straight. We went to dinner that night. He told me that when he found out that he was going to be a father, he thought about his mom first and how she won't be here to see her first grandchild and he thought about me second because he didn't know how he was going to tell me because he knew we had feelings for each other. So went back to his place to watch the NBA playoffs and the next thing I know, we're rolling around on the floor kissing and ripping each other's close off like teenagers. It was totally crazy because I've NEVER done anything like this let alone been in a situation like this. The next day, he asked me if I had any regrets about what happened and I didn't because the sex was great. But I did regret that I got caught up in the heat of the moment with someone who's having a baby with another woman!!!!!!!!!!! Into the Memorial Day holiday, I had a lot of time to think and I contacted him that Wednesday and told him that I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I wished him the best and moved on. In June, he contact me and he said that he thought about what I said and asks me if were still friends. I said, "sure" half heartedly. At this point I"m torn because we really never talked about what happened between us. So I decided to put what I had to say to him in a letter. It basically said I didn't know what was in the future and that in spite of what happened with us and the fact that he was having a kid, I still liked him and that I wanted to be more than his friend. His reponse to that was that he still liked me, too and he asked me where do we go from that point, I told him that I didn't know. Into July and August, we're still going to lunch together, but not much after work. One day in August, we really get the hots for each other and we make out in his car in the garage before we head home for the weekend (he has very dark tinted windows!) and we have sex! I don't know what to think about myself because I'm didn't know I could be that spontaneous. It's crazy! Okay, now a few weeks into August, he breaks the news to me that the company we work for is going to give him his walking papers. They give him two weeks to find another job. I'm shocked just as he is. That's a whole other story because of the kind of industry were in and the kind of work we do. Not to take up for him, but the department that he works in isn't performing that well and he's the first casualty. The rumor from reliable sources is that they may shut his entire department down. Anyway, it's messed up because he just bought a house and he has a kid on the way and the woman is living with him at his new house. He didn't tell me that part, but I knew that she was because he hadn't invited me over to the new place. Okay, he's loosing his job and my dumb butt goes over to talk to this guy I've known for a long time if he could help him find something. He agreed, but nothing has panned out yet. I also spoke to another friend about a job for him, but I have yet to hear back from her. Anyway, he talks to me about what's going on and so forth and he thanks me for being so supportive. In a conversation we had recently, he wanted to know why I didn't let him know sooner (last year) that I was interested in him because he would probably not be in the situation that he's in. He says to me that he likes the fact that I have shown him support and he thought that I was sincere and very caring and he thinks about what it would be like if we were together. I told him that I would love to be with him, but the fact remains that he is having a baby with someone else. One more thing, two of our co-workers is throwing him a baby shower one weekend this month, he asked me if I would be uncomfortable being there. I told him that I would. He keeps asking me if I decided to be there. He said that it would be "great" if I was there, but he would understand if I didn't show up. I thought that was weird. I still don't understand why he would want me to be there.

 

I am so sorry that this is so friggin long, but I wanted to give as much info as possible for your assessment. I really like this guy a lot and it's a bad situation because I could be hurt so much more than what I am right now. I know that people change after having a kid. I'm just bugged out that he let this woman back into his life after she dumped him when his Mom died. What does that say? He'll be leaving the job soon and I'm going to miss him terribly. He's already told me that he'll miss not seeing me everyday. But I've haven't expressed how I felt. I've been crying all weekend about this whole situation and my heart is heavy. What do you think? Thanks much.

[dreaming4ever]

Wow, what a mess! Ok....first of all, I understand that he got this other chick pregnant, but it seems a bit odd to me that they would be living together. Like, what is their relationship? Are you 100% sure they aren't involved physically or that there isn't a chance they will end up together? Because that could create further heartbreak for you if you decide to somehow try to continue a relationship with this man.

 

I think you and him basically have to evaluate how you feel about each other and decide if what you had was just a casual thing or if you think it could be a long term thing. Obviously he has a lot on his plate right now with needing to find work and soon having a baby. He might not have the time right now to give you what you would need in a relationship....there's that to consider too. How does he feel about you? As much as it hurts you might need to take a step back and give him some time to get his life together before you two have a chance at anything. But you should definitely talk about all of this with him. Good luck!

[cocoblue]

Thanks so much for your reply! I'm going to talk with him this week. I have thought about what you said about stepping back, seriously. And I think that's what I'm going to do. As I've said, I've been crying all weekend about this and we definitely need to talk. When I saw him at work last week, I told him that I did need to talk to him and he said that whenever I'm ready, just to let him know. So I'll post what happened after our talk.

[dreaming4ever]

Aww I'm sorry you're so upset. I know how much it sucks to not be able to stop crying because a relationship problem is upsetting you. Wish I could make it better and good luck with the talk *hugs*

[norajane]

He's living with a woman he used to date for 3 years - a woman who's about to have his baby. There's no room for you in his life - end of story.

[Guest]

You can do two things, You can decide to let it go and move on, which will hurt for a bit at first but get easier with time (if you TRULY make up your mind to let go and move on VS. just not have contact with him but continue to hang onto his memory and rehash the past year with him over and over in your head, that's not letting go either just because you decide not to talk to him) Love is a special and wonderful thing to get caught up in and because of that so many people hang on in bad situations because they don't want to let it go for the chance that the other person could change or things MIGHT get better. Wishy washy people are wishy washy people and it doesn't matter the details of the story, I can just tell you that if you're dealing with a flip flop man or woman your best interest is to respect yourself and move on. Like I said, no that's not easy. At first it feels devestating and you always think "what if I don't feel like this again." The reality is you will feel like that again in time with someone else and it's not worth it to put your heart into someone who can't return what you have to give. This man may care for you but he can't return all that you could give to him and you know that. He sounds like he's got a lot of growing up to do. It hurts to decide to let go of someone, but at least you get the chance for healing. When you choose to "tough it out" you just end up with a wound that's wide open and still awaiting to be shut so the healing can begin. Stand up for yourself, seriously.

[JCD]

Him leaving your place of work is the best thing that could have happened to you. Go strict NC with him and start healing. Then move on to another relationship but this time if the man mentions his baggage to you then you know you have to split.

[cocoblue]

Hi All,

Thank you for your kind and not so kind advice. Here's an update. I talked to "my friend" about us last week. I told him that I needed his undivided attention. I laid my cards on the table and told him that I care a lot about him and what happens to him. I expressed that the way things are now, that I can't go any further. I told him that I don't want to be used and that I'm not going to be anyone's "sloppy seconds." I told him that I'm hurt by everything that has happened, but that for my own sake, I needed to move on. He expressed that he cares for me as well and that he understands how I feel and that he respects my decision. So he finally left the job last Thursday and I've made the conscience decision not to have any contact with him at all. Not phone calls, no emails, no IMs. Nothing. I'm still hurting, but I know that I'm going to make it. I'm just taking things one day at a time. Thank you all for responding and listening. I sincerely appreciate it.

 

Cocoblue