princessa Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Hello people.. I could really use some support right now. Maybe some advice or wise words.. somebody who could share their experience.. anything would help really.... So I've been dating this amazing guy for more than a year (I'm 21 and he's 23 now). We were friends before we started dating and the relationship had a good basis. Early on in the relationship we had well established the basis (trust, long-term compatibility, same family/life values, compatible career goals). I was happy with him as a person, and never had a doubt in my mind that he loved me deeply. A couple of months before we started dating his mother passed away from cancer, his relationship with his father deteriorated (he still lives at home). He blamed himself a lot for not being there for his mom, and during a couple of years before he met me he was always trying to run away from the problems by drinking and smoking weed. Basically his life was a mess emotionally, financially, and at school. When I came around he started trying to get his life back together. He says it's because of me that he was even able to graduate. I was there for him through everything. The problem during pretty much the whole length of our relationship is that he couldn't be 100% available for me because of his own problems. He's always been so caught up in his depression and guilt over the death of his mother that I always felt neglected. But at the same time I was trying to be understanding of his situation.. I was willing to wait for him to get better and hoped that he's gradually start worrying more about me. I know he loves me, but I need somebody who will always put my needs before his (am I wrong for wanting this by the way, or is this not realistic?). I wanted to be pampered, I want to feel special, I want my man's undivided attention just once in a while, without him worrying about school or money or the meaning of life. Now he's a manly man and I don't expect him to be all romantic all the time, but I do need to be a priority for him and know that he worries about fulfilling most of my needs before anything else. We had talked about this and he said that he's just not in a position to be worrying about me all the time because he has bigger issues to worry about and has to put his life back together before anything else, and I understand that. I finally broke it off with him a couple of months ago because although I do understand his situation I have built up so much resentment towards him that I get mad at the smallest thing. I feel that I've given so much to this relationship and haven't received much back. I feel he doesn't sacrifice enough, and sometimes some things that he does just seem utterly selfish to me considering how much I always consider his needs and how much he neglects mine. And just generally his depression is brining me down. I don't even know whether this is my resentment bashing him, whether it's his caracter (he's always been a spoiled kid), or simply his situation at this moment. He said that he'd like to still be close to me as a friend, even if I date other people. We tried to stay friends but all the feelings we have for eachother always end up resurfacing. We always have so much fun when we're together, but when he gets busy I get back right where I started at. Frustrated because he can't/won't meet my needs. Yesterday I told him that we can't be friends anymore. It's just too hard and frustrating for me, so I want to cut him off for a few months to let the feelings die. But already I miss him terribly. He's the only person who's ever loved me for who I am, without questions asked. I know it's best for me to move on, but I keep second-guessing myself. Am I too demanding of him? Are my expectations too high? Should I just force myself to be his friend? What happens to people who love eachother and lose contact? What you people think?
norajane Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 It shouldn't always be about him and what he's going through, just as it always shouldn't be about your needs either. Good couples care about each other and want to meet each other's needs without either of them being paramount all the time...at times, one person's needs might take precedence, but if it's a regular thing that he needs your support and attention without giving it back to you sometimes, then it's lopsided and will make you resentful. I think you've done the right thing. The resentment would likely grow over time as you found yourself being the one who had to be strong enough for the both of you all the time, while you rarely got the emotional support when you needed it.
Outcast Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Princesse, please do not date anybody else until you learn about love. Love is exactly the opposite of how you feel about him. Let me illustrate: He loves me and I will always put his needs before mine. I want to pamper him. I want him to feel special When he's worrying about school or money or the meaning of life, I want to be his support. He is a priority for me and he knows that I worry about fulfilling most of his needs before anything else. That is love. Love is the desire to give, not the need to receive.
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 You sound quite selfish. Trust me..if he did cater to your every need then you would be complaining that he was too dull and needy... This guy could not win. At least he is free.
mental_traveller Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 It's not so much what it *should* be about, but what it is about. The fact is, you want someone who pays a lot of attention to you & puts you first. You're probably a bit high maintenance, so you'll always be frustrated with someone who isn't suited to that. It's probably better to find the type of guy who would dote on his woman, and is more together with his life, than to try and fail to change your ex's fundamental nature. My personal take on relationships is that it's up to an individual to generally meet their own needs, rather than trying rely on another to do everything for them. I'm pretty independent, so that's how I view things, and luckily my gf has the same feeling, so she's isn't constantly asking me to sort out her life. You on the other hand need someone who pays more attention and takes care of you more. Really I think the problem is you have just wound up with someone not really suited to you in that sense. Next time, look for a guy who spoils you rotten, and doesn't complain about your needs & demands.
Yamaha Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I finally broke it off with him a couple of months ago He should thank you for letting him go to find a women who cares about him and is not just being selfish.
Author princessa Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Princesse, please do not date anybody else until you learn about love. Love is exactly the opposite of how you feel about him. Let me illustrate: He loves me and I will always put his needs before mine. I want to pamper him. I want him to feel special When he's worrying about school or money or the meaning of life, I want to be his support. He is a priority for me and he knows that I worry about fulfilling most of his needs before anything else. That is love. Love is the desire to give, not the need to receive. Thanks all of you for the feedback. This quote above seems to be the general trend in your responses. That I am selfish and worrying only about me. Actually, perhaps did I not elaborate on that completely (for YOUR sake people!! You wouldn't wanna read 10 pages worth of this now would you ). When I said "I was there for him through everything" I did mean just exactly what you stated above. I always put his needs before mine since I've met him. I was there for him even when we were just friends, listening to him when he had rough times. When he was very busy with school I'd stay up late doing his assignments. I'd bring him food to school and stuff, little things like that. I'd give him massages after class. I'd sacrifice whatever it takes to be with him. I still do have an immense desire to give to him, I still worry about him and want to make sure that he's doing well. The thing is, it seems that I'm pretty much the only one doing the giving all the time.. he's always busy on other things.. I was hoping that when he'd get better as time passes and he deals with his issues that he'd worry more about me gradually, at his own pace.. Instead he's just as caught up in his depression as ever. We've discussed this and I told him that when he's away doing other things he just doesn't consider me, he doesn't think about my needs when making decisions. That he's in a situation where he has to get a stable life before he can do that. He pretty much agreed with me and said he couldn't do anything about it. So what happens when you put somebody's needs before yours all the time? Who will put your own needs first? It's like I have to be strong enough for both of us all the time. Being self-sufficient and taking care of myself while worrying about him also. It's draining. I really do sound selfish and demanding lately.. I've build up resentment despite his good intentions. I wish I could stay with him but I feel that he doesn't sacrifice enough on his end for me to continue putting this much energy into this. So if we all agree that loving somebody is putting their needs before your own. Perhaps he doesn't love me as much as he thinks he does? Shouldn't he be putting my needs before his own also? I am convinced that he loves me so the only logical conclusion I have left is that his situation is just bad. No???
Author princessa Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 It's not so much what it *should* be about, but what it is about. The fact is, you want someone who pays a lot of attention to you & puts you first. You're probably a bit high maintenance, so you'll always be frustrated with someone who isn't suited to that. It's probably better to find the type of guy who would dote on his woman, and is more together with his life, than to try and fail to change your ex's fundamental nature. My personal take on relationships is that it's up to an individual to generally meet their own needs, rather than trying rely on another to do everything for them. I'm pretty independent, so that's how I view things, and luckily my gf has the same feeling, so she's isn't constantly asking me to sort out her life. You on the other hand need someone who pays more attention and takes care of you more. Really I think the problem is you have just wound up with someone not really suited to you in that sense. Next time, look for a guy who spoils you rotten, and doesn't complain about your needs & demands. Man at least you didn't say I was selfish See, this is also what confuses me also. I did consider the fact that maybe he just wasn't the guy for me since I'm used to the type of guys who'd spoil me rotten, like you say. I also discussed this with him and like I said in my post, he said he's not the "romantic type" and that he shows his love in other ways. I talk about pampering but I also realize that this is not really essential. What relly worries me is that he doesn't seem to put my needs before his own. I don't need him to sort my life out, I just need to know that he'd sacrifice his last pack of smokes for me. He's a spoiled kid himself so he doesn't seem to realize that some of the things he does for himself he could sacrifice towards me. And this frustrates me. And don't be so quick to call me selfish. I don't want to be, and this is why I'm asking for advice and a reality check.
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I know he loves me, but I need somebody who will always put my needs before his (am I wrong for wanting this by the way, or is this not realistic?). I wanted to be pampered, I want to feel special, I want my man's undivided attention just once in a while, without him worrying about school or money or the meaning of life. yeah right... if he did that then he would be categorized as a "nice guy".... and then you would dump him 'cos he is so nice and go and date jerks that want only one thing from you.. and honestly i think you deserve only those type of guys.
Author princessa Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 yeah right... if he did that then he would be categorized as a "nice guy".... and then you would dump him 'cos he is so nice and go and date jerks that want only one thing from you.. and honestly i think you deserve only those type of guys. "projection", look it up in the dictionnary buddy, I think you suffer from it
Shuffty Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Hey 'guest' are you the guy from that other thread who said his girlfriend of two years had just broken up with him? Coz if you are i kind of understand your resentment about this issue, i'm not presuming to know you or what was wrong in your relationship but it sounds like there was something similar going on with you, otherwise you wouldn't be so defensive. Start your own thread and let some of these feelings be known in their own right, it helps. And if that's not you, well, you're really defensive about something, like i say start your own thread, and get a name so people can relate to you As for Princessa, i kinda get what you mean, it is difficult when you feel like you're doing all the giving and you want them to worry about you sometimes. I think the problem is, in your post you did come across as a bit frustrated and i can see how that might be construed as selfish.
Author princessa Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 Heh, at least somebody's making an effort to be understanding!
Shuffty Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 And Outcast 'Love is the desire to give. Not the need to receive.' That's really deep and all, but love is totally the need to receive, everybody needs love, you can't just give, give, give, it's only human to want someone to feel the same about you. You can be the most giving person in the world, but are you telling me it wouldn't kill you if you never 'received' anything from the person you loved?
Guest Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Princessa, If I were you I'd ask myself one question: Can I live with things as they are for the rest of my life? People can change little things about themselves, but I don't think they can change fundamentally who they are. If your man is not the romantic, thoughtful type, that fundamentally doesn't change. He may express his love in other ways, such as working hard to financially support you, doing physical labor around the house, and bragging about you to his buddies. Maybe he's not the card-giving, flower-toting, kind of person. Yes, of course people can be a little more thoughtful here and there and it's nice to see the effort, but I still maintain that fundamentally it's almost impossible to change a person. If you can't live with things as they are and think you deserve more, then go find it. Be an adult, break up with this guy, and go find someone who is more compatible with you. If you stay with him and continue to fret over this stuff, all the while looking at what others seem to have that you don't, and are continually looking at "better" options then yes, in that case, you are being selfish. There are tons of romantic guys out there who will swoon you. Heck, they may even continue to do it after you get married . I'm not saying you're an entitled selfish, bitch. It's just that you happen to be a girl who frets over this kind of stuff. Some women do. Some don't.
Author princessa Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 Hey Guest... see the romance issue is interesting, and I've been pondering this myself for quite a while... Affection, like you said, is not necessarily the whole romantic cheesy thing, it can also be shown in other ways. And I CAN live without all the flowers and beach walks... In fact there are many things in him which I appreciate so much that when I think of them this doesn't even become an issue. But I need affection, nevertheless, and I think he just stopped showing it alltogether. When we used to see eachother a lot, during the first 4 months when we were dating, he was very affectionate. He'd tell me he loved me randomly, let me know that he was thinking about me... But as he got busier and busier with school.. well... he had less and less time for these things and he'd be tired all the time.. and I'd get demanding (I admit, I have faults too), which in turn made him even less affectionate towards me. I tried telling him that he changed, that I need him to work on this. But it's like he just doesn't have the time to put that much effort in it because he has too many issues of his own. It's like I said, I'm not a priority in his life right now and he can't help it. My needs don't come before his school / job.
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