Guest Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Hi, I need some advice.. this is a long one, but please try to read it all... I've been going out with this guy for about 9 months, overall the relationship was a happy one, but it had it's faults. Me and him had a lot in common, we liked the same movies, games, shows, etc. The only things the caused a lot of touble was that I would become quite clingy, and emotionally needy, and relied on him alot. Another thing is I was quite insecure, and I was always seeking reassurance, that he loved me, and wasn't going to leave me, and I was constantly worried about the relationship (he wasn't the cheating type) I was just like that beacuse I was so insecure, based off of past relationships..it was nothing he ever did.. I wanted to see him/hang out more than he wanted to see me during the week days, because usually I wold only see him on the weekends which to me wasn't enough, so I would try to push to see him more on the week days, and he didn't like that too much. He felt like I was trying to see him every day.. Another problem we/I had is, whenever we got into a fight, I wold get upset and say "Maybe we shouldn't go out anymore" or "Maybe we should have some time apart" or " Do you even want to go our with me anymore?" He would reply, "maybe it would be better" or "I dont know" or somtimes he told me he thought about being alone sometimes, he wondered what it would be like. He told me I make him happy sometimes, but not all the time with this up and down roller coaster going on.. So basically we would almost break up like every other 2 weeks, or month. We would say, if this happens again it's over, but it woud happen again and again and again till finally he ended it. I promised to stop doing it, but I couldnt, it was more of an insecurity issue.. He told me to give it a month and "we'll see" he told me that this break up wasnt a premanent one, but since the break up, I've questioned him almost every day hoping to change his mind on it, and now he's gone from.. "Wait and see" to "I dont know" to "I think I would be better off with someone else in the future", to I dont want to go back out with you anymore, it's what I feel in my heart, and gut", to " I dont want to give it another chance" to "Yes I love you a little but, it's not enough". He tells me he just wants to be single for a while, he tells me he doesnt want to seek anyone, that he wants to be single, that he doesnt want a relationship, but if someone were to come along.. I'm not ready to move on yet, I'm hoping that maybe there is still hope that I can change his mind or that I can someone how fix this and bring him back to me? I do know that before me he was in a relationship to where he was engaged, and she ended up burning him badly...cheating on him, and she never gave him back the ring, and in the long run she left him, and told him that she didnt love him anymore, but they were living together..when they broke up..and still were living together afterwards, till they moved out. He told me "we're still friends, and if something happens between us it happens", but he isnt going to try to push for something to happen. And he doesnt want me to try to push for things to happen also. All I know is that he told me he ended it because of the constant roller coaster of almost break up so he left it was time to end it, and he wasnt as emotionally attached towards the end.. He told me to stop worrying about things because it always makes it worse, and so far things have only gotten worse as friends (because I keep getting upset because he wont take me back, and I keep crying, and questiong him) He said thats another reason why he doesnt see himself taking me back because things arent getting better...they are only getting worse.. How do I get him back? Get him to want me back? Get him to change his mind? To recinsider? can anyone off some good advice on how to get him back? or is this totally hopeless? Did I push him too far away?
Shuffty Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 In the nicest way possible i think you need to talk to someone about your relationship issues (like a person - not a computer) i totally understand insecurities about cheating etc, but if you don't try and sort it, these issues are just going to screw up every relationship you ever have, and even if you do get back together with him it would just end up exactly the same with you being clingy and him wanting to get away. Honestly: I think you may have pushed him to far away with all the questioning and emotional black mail (not implying you do that deliberately, i know it's hard to let someone be honest with you without getting upset) and i think it may be too late to win him back, and you can't 'get' him to want you again, or 'get' him to change his mind, if you forced him into it he would be miserable and as a result you would be miserable. I understand it's hard to let him go (believe me, i'm a cryer too) and it's difficult to see him all the time and not ask 'is everything ok yet?'. I'm sorry to say it doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind, especially if you ask him to over and over, but to be honest i think you need to sort yourself out before you can be in a relationship. Maybe try being on your own for a bit (relationship wise) it's not the worst thing in the world, build your confidence about yourself first, not every man is going to cheat on you. You never know, if he sees you as a strong, independent woman things might improve, even if it's just a friendship. A bit of feminist jargon for you there... Try and not call him or talk about your relationship to him, then he might not get as stressed with you and you can both think a bit clearer. Good luck.
Just2Cute1972 Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I totally agree with the above poster. Ive been there done that myself...it never got me anywhere. During this breakup im going thru now, ive completely changed. I dont contact him at all, he contacts me. I dont talk about "us" at all, if it comes up HE brings it up and i pick n choose the things i respond back with carefully. When we broke up 2 years ago tho for 8 months, i did those exact things ur doing now. During the relationship i was always insecure and seeked reassurance, ive learned my lesson .. the hard way and i will NEVER go back to being that insecure needy person i used to be. Im a smart, pretty, independent woman and i dont need anyone telling me that i am. Start thinking that way AND believing that, as hard as it may be. I wouldnt contact him at all and if he does contact you, think VERY carefully about what u are going to say before u say it with NO MENTION of ur relationship at all. Like they tell me, if its meant to be it will happen, but not if you keep pressuring him and hounding him about it. Good luck.
Guest Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Wow... this sounds EXACTLY like my ex and I. We were together for a year and even had wedding plans. He travels for his job, so we only saw each other on weekends, so when he was home I wanted to be with him all the time. I had insecurity issues too... I knew he would never purposely cheat on me, but I guess I was scared that maybe he would meet another girl and leave me. We started fighting a lot and I would always say I was going to break up with him (out of anger). I didn't really want to. Finally he broke up with me, and now he says he doesn't know what he wants. I initially got mad and went on a date with another guy... and made that very clear. Then I really missed him, and now I want him back, and I made the mistake of calling too much, and pressuring him. Many people have told me if I don't call he will start to miss me. I know what I did wrong now, and I am ready to change what I was doing... I think you should do what I am doing. I have decided to stop calling him unless he calls me. I am on day four, and it is hard... he still hasn't called me yet, but I really feel like he is going to come back if I stick to this. I also ordered a couple relationship advice books. Maybe he'll come back... if not maybe you will get over him... and learn something from it.
Kinger25 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 ahhh - something that is close to my heart. I was exactly as you were with my BF. I was insecure and needy (not an attractive trait by the way). My subconcious was always stating that he was going to cheat on me or that this was unrequited love etc etc. Now, my BF is about as faithful as they come. He's a bit rough round the edges but he's got a good heart and would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. Could I get this through my thick head at the time. Like hell could I!! I was ALWAYS pushing him to the limit to try and FORCE him to declare his undying love for me. I was requesting consistent re-assurance regarding his feelings towards me and I became consumed with the thought that he was going to cheat on me. I would randomly sprout rubbish like " I dont think this is working do you? " or " I think we should have some time apart " When really the last thing that I wanted was to be distanced from him. It got to the point where I was DELIBERATELY trying to hurt him to see how far I could push him in an attempt to find out how much he would take from me before giving me the order of the elbow. In my idiot head, I thought that by behaving like this I would be able to prize out of him how much he loved me. I thought I was the one in control but how wrong I was. It took him to pack my stuff and boot me out for a week for me to come to my senses. As I sat there alone at night with no-one to cuddle up to. No-one to ask me how my day was, No-one to make me a cup of tea in the morning, No-One to kiss me when I woke up, No-One to Kiss me when I went to sleep, No-one to make dinner for, No-one to tickle my back, No-one to smile at me or laugh with - You see where I'm going here ? I sat in my car on the top of a hill with a packet of fags and the radio for 4 hours sorting myself out, finding the root of my insecurities and dealing with my trust issues. LUCKILY he asked me to go home a week later. I know I'm whittling on, but my point is - it was your insecurity that ruined your relationship. No Doubt. It's hellish for a guy to have to be constantly interigated and questioned about their love for you. We all know that men can be odd creatures at times and the way that they show their affections for you are not always the way in which you would expect. They need someone to put them in their place from time to time. Not saying that you should Nag them cause they hate that too !! But they actually quite like being teasingly scolded now and then. They like strong women, who can hold themselves together and be there for THEM when they need someone to talk to. (Im also not saying that you shouldn't show ANY weaknesses, I'm just saying that guys like a happy medium in a girl). It's like the affection thing, Guys hate it when girls are all over them like a rash ALL of the time. You should show your affection for them little & occasionally - it keeps that air of mystery to you and makes them more intrigued by your touch. They in turn will be drawn to you like a bee to pollen and you will get more out of them that you ever thought. My advice to you would be - dont call him for at least 2 weeks. Take this time of Non Contact to deal with your insecurity issues and try and find the root of your problem with trust. Calm your anger and collect your thoughts and become happy within yourself. If you dont do this, you are never going to have a happy relationship. I KNOW ITS GONNA HURT, Before you say anything. I KNOW you're gonna want to pick up that phone, but DONT DO IT. Like another poster said - you cant FORCE him to love you or DEMAND that he gets back with you, you should let it go a little bit and you may find that this will encourage him to contact YOU next time. If after 2 weeks (NO SOONER!!!) you really feel as though you want to talk to him then call him, but DONT mention your relationship at all. At the end of the day you need to be comfortable in your own skin first. Take note of this and have some time to yourself to work through what's going on in your head. Good Luck, keep me posted. ;) [FONT=Georgia]Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland[/FONT]
Guest Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 well I've talked to him before you're post and the other post above yours, I usually talk to him about every 2-3 days on the computer (it's usually me that contacts him), since he doesn't call me on the phone, unless I call him, then he "returns" my call. I couldn't help but ask him about the relationship, because at times I feel confused, and I dont know where this whole thing is leading, so I ask.. He told me "We're friends, and seeing what feelings will develope" I asked him if he liked anoyone else (he's a very honest person, as far as I know) and he's told me "No, that he's just been hanging out with friends (male and female) off and on, and he only likes them as friends" and nothing more." He isn't the "player" type of guy (if that makes sense?) He also told me he isn't seeking, that he just wants to be single for a while or something like that. I tried asking again today about the relationship, I know bad idea...he told me "I don't want to give it another shot right now, and then he told me he didn't want to get into it at the moment (we were IM'ng eachother), and he told me to stop asking at the moment, and that he wasn't going to talk about it anymore at all for the day" I guess we're going to talk about it later or something...he said in about a week or so , until then he didn't want me to bring it up. I told him that I feel like since I'm sitting back here waiting, that I feel like I'm wasting my time since he wont give me another shot, he repiled with "A frienship is a waste of time?" So you see I still feel like maybe I messed it up, that maybe I bugged him too much... We broke up on August 23rd (this year of course), and I feel like the more time that passes the more he slips away...thats why I keep hoping he will come back... Have I messed it up way too much? or do you think I still stand a chance?
Guest Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 I did forget to add, he did say recently when I asked again about another chance he did say... "it's always a possibility.." I'm not saying I honestly will but it's a possibility he went from saying all the crap he said above in my recent posts to his...so yea I 'm confused, and no I dont want to move on yet, I'm hoping I still stand a chance..
Kinger25 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Hi Guest OK.. Like I said in my last post, I still think that you badgering him too much about your "relationship" with him. I am here to offer you advice, and help you with this ordeal, so I am going to be as open and honest as possible. Do you have a chance of getting back with your BF? - Maybe, but you need to adjust to becoming "just friends" with him first. If you dont do this then in my honest opinion - he will not want to enter into a relationship with you again and the answer will not be a maybe but a flat out No. It is one of life's hardest lessons when someone breaks up with you, but you need to use it to your advantage to make yourself a stronger person. Your Ex obviously had his reasons for finishing with you and the way that you are acting when you speak to him is no different from that when you were actually in a relationship with him. What I mean is - you are still acting needy and clingy when you speak to him, this is obvious because you are always asking him whether he is going to get back with you or not. I agree with him when he asked you why "being friends" would be a waste of time, friendship is the foundation for all relationships and maybe he wants to see how you act around him when he has no ties to you. I mean, If you see him on occasions and have a laugh with him, dont hassle him about getting back with you and treat him as you would treat any other friend, I think you will have a much better chance of him "taking notice" of you in that kind of way than you do now. Why not change your approach entirely? Why dont you see how it goes if you dont mention your relationship with him AT ALL. I know how hard it is not to do that but you are shooting yourself in the foot at the moment. Bottom line is he's not going to even consider getting back together with you if you dont stop hassling him, so in effect you are hurting yourself and putting youself through all of this pain at the moment, for nothing? ok... when you next meet up with him, there's nothing wrong with being flirty and slightly provocative towards him, just to show him that you are still interested, but PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE and stop asking him whether he's going to get bck with you, I cannot stress it enough - it's not gonna work. Have you thought about maybe dating some other guys for a while, just to get your mind off of your ex? Not saying you should get involved with anyone seriously, but you should start enjoying yourself again. Men are never worth too many of your tears. Even going out with your girlfriends on a night out may cheer you up a bit?. Anything's got to be better than moping about with a broken heart hasn't it? I always believe that if something is MEANT to happen it will. If you are MEANT to be with your BF then you will. If not, you wont. Keep me posted. Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve. ~ Dr. Napoleon Hill
Guest Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Thank you Kinger, I appreciate all of your advice..but so far when I've asked if we could hang out he always says he's too busy. I notice that he's really busied himself, since this, and now it's like he doesn't have much time for anything. But I think he's afraid if we hang out that I will ask him about the relationship..since so far that's all I've been doing on the IM's.. (so I think that's why he says he's busy) I'm not saying he lies, but I think that's why he hesitates, or something. I mean he doesn't even call me..it's me calling him, and if he does call, it's because he's returning my call.. So I don't know how this whole: "We're friends, and waiting, to see what happends, to see what kind of feelings develop" I don't know how this is going to work, when he doesn't even want to hang out, and he doesn't even call me.. I guess maybe I'm not giving it enough time, and him enough space, and because maybe he's afraid that if he calls or what not I will ask him about the relationship.. So I guess I can give him some space instead of contacting him every 2-3 days, that should help, and this time I WONT mention the relationship, I hope that helps, break any barriors that he has up.. and maybe he will eventually will want to hang out, and things will go from there. But, how much space do I need to give him? (remember we broke up on August 23rd) He hasn't had much space since then.
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