Not in love...YET?? [need male point of view]

[Heart66]

I was happily dating my bf for 14 months. Suddenly he became distant and ultimately told me he needs "a break" from us, as he is very overwhelmed [new job, raising 2 kids from his divorce, etc] He reassured me this wasn't about another woman, but that he doesn't have time for a relationship and can't give me what he knows I want/deserve. Rather than see me put my life on hold for his needs, he proposed this break.

 

I was hurt, but gave him the space/time he asked for. I felt he would see me as whiny and needy and I'd only chase him away if I didn't comply. It's been 10 weeks since the "break," and we just saw each other for the first time on a group trip with friends to an NFL game. This was planned prior to our split, and we agreed we could be mature and still go. During our 10 weeks off, we talked on the phone, maybe 8 times--all having to do with planning this trip, but hadn't spent any time together. My plan was 2 leave him alone, then see how he was during our trip. If he was awkward and distant, I would assume that the "break" was merely a cop out 2 break up with me, while trying 2 spare my feelings.

 

The trip couldn't have been better! He was friendly, fun, etc. We even shared a hotel room and it wasn't uncomfortable. [no sex...not that I didn't want to. I just didn't want to allow myself to be used!] With the trip going well, I was hopeful that he was just clearing off his very full plate, and we could still work out our relationship in time. Towards the end of the trip I asked him few questions that I felt had something to do with him needing this space. One question heavy on my heart was why 14+ months later he hadn't been able to look me in the eye and tell me he loved me. [Due to past hurts, it took me a long time to voice it, even though I knew I felt it] He told me that ILU was a very hard thing for him to say out loud.

 

He went on to say that he loved me as a person and as a friend, but that he hadnt been IN love with anyone in 5 or 6 years [that means nobody since his failed marriage--and includes not loving his exwife towards the end of their marriage, as seeing theyve only been divorce 3 years!] I was crushed to think "My God, I love this man and his 2 children, and he doesn't love me back!" As a woman, having him say he loved me as a "friend", all I heard was I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, AND I NEVER WILL BE.

 

Okay Men [and woman too]---Is that what I should have heard, or am I making too much of it? Im not sure if he's saying I am not where you are right now, or if he is saying I will never feel that way for you! He wants to be friends, and I would love that. But I am not sure I can just pal around with someone who I have much deeper feelings for. At the same time, I don't want to cut the cord if there is a chance that he may love me on the same level down road. What do you think??? Help!!!

[Rooster_DAR]

He may be simply stating the truth, too much damage to allow someone else in right now, hard to tell. I can tell you by his words, you need to move on it's over.

 

Sorry, I know it sucks but there is nothing you can do.

 

 

When people start using the "I need space" "I'm not in love with you" and "I feel like your my friend/best friend" it's all over people.

[Heart66]

Thanks Rooster. So far youre my only feedback, and I am looking forward to some other opinion/insight. At this point...I don't have any other choice except to move on, and date others as if he is NEVER going to feel the same as me. Then, IF he returns, I will cross that bridge IF I get to it.

 

As for being friends...thats still a tough one. I prefer NC, as I feel it will be difficult to be pals with someone for whom I have deeper feelings. Yet, closing the door completely will never allow us to work it out if this is indeed just a timing thing.

 

I trust him. He has never shown reason for me to think he's lying. I have to give him props for not selfishly dragging me down a dead end if he knows he won't be ready any time soon...If ever! Whether it be "Right now" or "Never" he simply isn't where I am, and all I can do is accept it for what it is, & see what life brings...without waiting to see what happens.

[superconductor]

Though it's more common for a woman to give the man the "let's just be friends" speech, the meaning is the same regardless of gender.

 

It's code for "I'm not in love with you. Now please go away."

[mental_traveller]

It's not always a bad sign when a guy won't say he loves you - but that is only the case in the first year or so, and if things are otherwise going very well. Sometimes the woman just falls faster & harder, and it can take a while for the guy's feelings to catch up. Earlier in my current relationship, we had a bit of a row because I wasn't properly in love, and she was - I just said she had to wait, and let me feel & say it of my own accord. And later that's what happened, it was just a matter of time.

 

However, in this case there's a big red flag - he wanted a break, and felt a bit smothered. And he's used the dreaded "friends" and "love, but not *in love*" phrases. So yeah, here I'm going to have to agree with the other guys and say it doesn't look good right now.

 

There's always a *chance* that he might open up and feel more in future, especially if you pull away. But you have to ask yourself are you prepared to spend a year or so waiting on a long shot. Personally I'd say it's not worth it, stop seeing him, do no contact, and move on with your life. The year mark is usually where you find out the truth of a relationship - by now things should be going really well, instead you are getting bad signs.

[princessa]

Didn't you ask him if he could see the two of you going back to being in a relationship in the near future?

 

I somewhat disagree with those who say that when somebody tells you they need space it's necessarily a bad sign and that they're just looking for an easy way out. Sometimes life brings up though situations, sometimes the relationship itself gets too complex and people need to take time to analyze their own feelings. There could be plenty of reasons for wanting space other than breaking up.

 

Make sure you understand how he feels. And if he's not sure, then weigh out the pros and cons of taking a chance for waiting on him.

[Guest]

You sound like a nice enough girl, so you deserve better than this crap.

 

You happened to fall into a relationship with a guy who has a lot on his plate right now. So, whether it's his divorce, a closet gay fetish, or another woman, it doesn't matter: He is unwilling to give you what you DESERVE in a relationship.

 

In a mature, loving relationship, you can count on your significant other to support you in times of need. He is not supporting you emotionally, and HE DOES NOT WANT YOU as his support either. I can't imagine any of my friends who are in long-term, successful, loving partnerships who have asked for a "break" from their partners because they had too much to handle. That is when partners need each other the MOST.

 

Put yourself in a gym, buy some cute clothes, register for some online dating service, and meet some hot guys. Somebody who deserves you is ready to treat you right.

[Yamaha]

The lingo is the same ( for guys and girls ) when someone tells you they love you as a friend. He has decided you are friend material, for whatever reason, and you need to accept it and make a decision (I don't recommend staying friends with someone who you have more feeling for but that is for you to decide).

[Heart66]

I asked for advice, and most of u seem to feel that he is dumping me in a nice way. I hear your opinion. I respect it. And i agree...somewhat. Yes, there is a chance that this may never work out. But my gutt tells me to give it some time, as I believe this is just a timing issue. Im not going to WAIT. I will move on, date others, and live life. My plan of action is "If you love something, set it free..." If it's meant to be, it will be.

 

Personally, I believe this man loves me [by the way he treated me during the year we dated] However, I am 40 and ready for the marriage/baby thing...And I think that scares him! He just turned 35, hasn't been divorced long [2 yrs at time we met/3 yrs total] and is raising his 2 kids. I don't think he's emotionally recovered from all of that, and simply isn't ready to jump back in all over again. I think his asking for the "break" was in fairness to me, as he knows he's not where I am at this time, and has openly admitted that he doesn't want to see me put my life on hold while he figures himself/his life out.

 

So time will tell. He may be back--he may not. But I won't be sitting by the phone waiting to see if his heart catches up to mine. If the calls/efforts comes--they do, and we'll go from there. If not...life will move on. I may be 40...but I am still HOT! [i'm still a size 6, and I get told everyday that I look much younger than I am] Im this age, never married and no kids because I've been smart enough not to settle! I refuse to start now! If he doesn't wise up...someone else will! I asked for advice, but it seems that time has made me see the answers myself. THANKS FOR THE INPUT. I will let you know in the future if we worked it out.

[Guest]

Well, good luck. As resolved as your last message sounds, my gut tells me you're waiting around for him. That's your choice.

[Heart66]

No "Guest"--Not waiting for him as you suggest. I'm not really sure why you feel that I am. I've stated that I won't be waitng by the phone, and plan to date and live life. My detailed comments were merely to try and give some background/facts. Again, I'm not really sure why you've come to your conclusion--but you're entitled to your opinion. Thanks for the luck. I wish me luck too, as I know I deserve to be happy:)

[Guest]

I am in a similar situation. I am 35 looking for similar things you are. I broke up with a man who was not emotionally available, sex yes, but love no. MAinly because of all the things on his plate, kids, x's, divorces. I think u are def on the right track. There will be someone who wants you as you want them. With him you just don't know. It is not easy to let go, but it is all you can do. I get angry only because I think some of his heartache was passed on to me once we broke up. He was heartbroken and now I am. But I took the risk! Just wanted to say you are def on the right track! Letting go is the best way to go. Something good will come out of it if you do. I believe that.

[Heart66]

Guest:Thanks for the words of encouragement. Its been hard. I'm working hard to leave him along, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have a little hope in the back of my heart. It doesn't help that friends [his and mine] all disagree with how I took his words.

 

People ask "what does your gut tell you?" Honestly, my gut tells me that this man loves me more than he is able to admit. I don't believe he's ever had a healthy relationship prior to me, and therefore doesn't know how to handle what he has found! I can relate to what u said about having to pay for his fears and unhappiness. It has indeed been transfered over to me. It sucks to have him tell me "when I think about my future I see you in it"...but then turn around and need time away from me!

 

When he told he loved me as a person etc, all my heart heard was "I love you like a friend, Im not IN love with you, and I will NEVER have those deep feelings for you." It was very black and white to me! But people who know us disagree! They've expressed that he wouldn't have stayed in a relationship for over a year if he only had low-key "friend" feelings, nor would he continue to sleep with a girl he loves like a "sister!" They remind me that he never said he wouldn't ever feel deeper for me. Everyone's input is that he loves me, but that my heart has moved faster than his,[Lets face it, woman do that!] and he just isn't ready to jump into another marriage, which is where I wanted this to go...So he chickened-out and ran for cover. This is the complete opposite of the advice posted on this site! You all think I've been dumped for good! This conflicting adivce confuses me. I am moving on, yet deep down I have hope in my heart that I probably shouldn't! This really sucks!

 

I just have to hang in there. Our issues only started 3 months ago, and I just got the news that our hearts aren't on the same page just 2 weeks ago. Clearly thats not much time, and it still hurts. Our NC really just stated 2 weeks ago. It feels sooo much longer than that! I wake up thinking about him and missing his kids! Other guys are asking me out. I am moving forward...but not easily.

 

So thank you for reminding me that I am not the only one in the world going thru this, and that NC is really what is best. I wish he'd call, but the longer he leaves me alone, the easier I know it will get.