Just simply......letting go & hoping to move on

[ReillyG]

My bf & I had been together for 8 1/2 yrs. We lived together for 8 yrs. Intense relationship. We had known each other our whole life & did a lot of flirting & crushing, he was one of my best friends. And then he crossed the line & we fell in love. insane, obsessive, crazy love.

 

It wasnt until i really got to know him that i realized that he was an alcoholic, drug abuser (hid it from me for yrs), he was abusive to me emotionally, mentally, and on a few occasions, physically.

 

He is/was so wrong for me, my friends hate him, my family hates him, and even I hate him. We broke up about 2 months ago, but only due to circumstances beyond at least my control. We had to move and we made these plans to stay together but then he didnt stick to them and I couldnt support him, so I took care of myself. We were still "together" and then just like that, he stopped calling me. A couple of weeks went by, we talked, he told me our relationship was too destructive (a product of him speaking to someone else I'm sure b/c he would never come up w/such big words on his own) and that we werent good together. I found out where he lived, I still had all his stuff and I went to his house. He basically told me he moved on (there was a girl there) & he wanted nothing to do w/me.

 

I let go. I didnt call him, I didnt do any late night drive bys. I worked a lot and concentrated on myself. I joined a gym, I reconnected w/my friends that I had pushed aside for him. I felt sad sometimes but I realized he sucked the life out of me. He needs so much attention. I was enjoying the me time, something I hadnt had for a long time. I was smiling, I was flirting, I stopped crying myself to sleep.

 

And then he called. Last week, out of the blue, wanted to see me. And just for anybody out there that ever gets the opportunity to ever see their ex. dont do it. I rearranged my day, went out w/him and had a great time. But he was still the same. And he has a gf now. Someone he worked with that I met, which believe me, makes it worse. He cheated on her to be w/me. He told me how much he missed me, couldnt stop thinking about me, would never love anyone more than me. He wanted to work it out. I wasnt sure if thats what I wanted, but I was so happy to be w/him, I didnt care. He left saying that he needed to work some things out and he would call me within the next 2 days.

 

He never called, and all week, I was ok w/that. I wasnt sure if I wanted him to call. Didnt want the drama. And he hasnt changed. He has no job, no car, bad credit and didnt even have his rent $. But the holidays are the worst time, when I have time to breathe, is when I miss him the most. And miss him for what? So I went to his house, only for him to tell me that it was a mistake what we did. He started off w/telling me that I needed to give him a little more time so we could work it out. But that I made him so mad, madder than anyone else did. He kept saying I treated him like crap throughout our relationship (so one sided). alot of stuff I did do that was wrong, was in retaliation to what he did to me.

 

Then he basically ended the coversation w/that he realizes we cant be together as a couple but that he wanted to be friends b/c we were together so long, he cant imagine me not in his life (we've said that to each other a million times but what does that really mean?).

 

Why did he call me? why couldnt he just leave me alone? why did he have to stir up all the emotions that i was trying to get over? how much pain do you cause someone before its enough? What is wrong w/me? I dont even want to be w/him. He's such a horrible person but I cant get over him? How do I stop saying how high when he says jump? I'm not sure if he will ever contact me again b/c I told him he was a loser and a piece of crap. I was mean to him b/c he hurt me again. He broke my heart and I don't even know why b/c he shouldnt have that power.

 

How do you stop loving someone even when you know they are not worth your love?

[JEC]

having read that, we are in exactly the same crappy boat.

 

not that i am going to bang on about me in response to you, but let me just say that, after two and a half years of putting up with his alcoholism and his drugs and his violence and his temper, he has now found someone else (lied to me about it for 9 months) and has just stopped calling me altogether now that she is putting out.

 

i am gutted but i am clinging to this, which might help:

 

he is not a good person. he is a sack of **** and he is someone else's problem now. he will never ever be happy. "bad" boys are bad because they don't like themselves any more than they like anyone else. he will never make her or anyone else happy. like your guy, mine spent last weekend with me because the new girl was on holiday for the weekend. he rang me 6 times, texted me 10 times, spent the whole weekend going on about how much he'd missed me. then the second she was back, i haven't heard from him since.

 

now i'm not proud of myself for spending the weekend with him. but at least i know she isn't so bloody special; he'll treat her as badly as he treated me. and you are the same. you've not lost someone who would ever have done anything good for you. you have lost a waste of space and someone who wasn't even a good mate.

 

i find listening to things like "good riddance" by greenday help a lot!! good luck, do post back if it helps!!

[ReillyG]

Reading what you have to say, as sad as it may sound, made me smile b/c your so right. I dont wish anyone in the same position as me, but it helps to know that I am not the only one. And I know exactly how you feel about feeling that they werent special. but I was proud that he cheated on his "gf" to be w/me (which is so morally wrong), but I have a feeling that he started things w/her before we were officially done and she knew we were together, but I thought, hey, I won. Either she really isn't this great person that I imagined he's with. Someone who gives him everything I cant. Or I must be so special, he can't help himself. He just called me. At first I just hung up on him b/c, well, it's 1:30 in the morning and I have to go to work and I just fell asleep, but of course as soon as I did that, I didnt know if I did the right thing or not.

 

But he called me back again and again, after leaving me a message telling me that "this was the reason he can't be w/me b/c I go pyscho on him". Can you believe it? He's ringing my phone, again, after telling me we will never be together, again, and i'm pyscho. he asked me if he could stop by after I get home from work. I told him I had plans (lie). I can feel him sucking out my life, being the drama queen he is. Tell me again, what is he? I need to hear it over and over again.

thank you

[dame_mas]

after breakibg up with my ex, who turned into an alcoholic i foudn that it was hard to get back to normal life, had to renew old contqact that i had psuhed away b/c of him ( yeah i did the same as u ) he sucked life out of me to... i can totally understand you. but then i had to move on for my own sake. i just left, w/o his kniwing about it, he tried to call, he emailed me for a year i never replied...made myself stronger and refused to let myself miss him nor let his thoughts haunt me, i think i did a pretty good job on that. im happy with the progress i had made over it and now i can see that i am living again, getting into a new relationship. i just want to tell you to do the sae, refuse any of his attempts to get back together, dnt believe when he says he had changed( my ex tried that on me too)-b/c they never changed and the only change is us leaving them-which they can never digest!

[jec]

oh my god, what an absolute weapon. do not even think about taking his calls - at the moment you have the power because you are ignoring him. don't let him turn those tables. do you feel good after speaking to him? i bet you don't! without counselling and a long period of patience, this guy is never going to be good for anyone or anything. and even if he does change for you, he's not exactly going to be much fun from hereonin. think about the weddings where he gets tempted and drinks and trashes the place; the nights when you can't go out because he's on the wagon; how much all your friends hated him (bet they did, mine are organising street parties because he's gone); how he's always going to be a liar and a cheat and an unreliable b*stard.

 

i started a list of things i didn't like about harold (not his real name but he looks like harold bishop from "neighbours", google it if you've never seen him!) and i got to 55 without even trying. in there we have such charming items as: lousy teeth; has hit me; broke a previous girlfriend's arm; all my friends and family hated him; snoring disorder due to alcoholism; chainsmoker; drugs; career going nowhere; family issues; sweaty bald head; ugly; dirty fingernails; left all washing up for the cleaner (who came FORTNIGHTLY, UGH UGH UGH); stingy as hell; smokes like a gay man; once sh*t the bed whilst i was in it..... i don't know why it still hurts after that, i suspect it's pride, force of habit and fear of being alone more than genuine love and affection. oh, that was there at the beginning, but after 3 years, it's definitely worn away.

 

i think you need to focus on things like this in as light hearted a way as you can. also bear in mind your emotions change. one minute you'll feel great, the next murderous, then weepy, then happy, then resigned, then suicidal... and the middle of the night is always the worst. try and get a copy of "he's just not that into you" or, better yet, "it's called a break up because it's broken" - i hate self-help garbage, but these are really funny and painfully truthful.

 

lots of luck, we'll get there! j xx