Destroying My Relationship

[Kinger25]

Hi

 

Wondered if you guys could help me out with this one as it's eating me up inside and I need some advice.

 

I have been with my current BF for just over a year. He has been married before and has 2 boys, one if which lives with him full time. He is only 32 and his eldest boy is 14 so when I moved in with him I had to accept his two children would be around aswell. Fine. My previous relationship lasted for 8 years, with me being the one that finished it in the end. I am 25.

 

I dont know why, but I seem to be intent on destructing my relationship with my BF. I have these uncontrollable feelings of anger inside of me and I am constantly having a go at him when he really does not do anything wrong.

 

He's faithful, loyal, works hard, and is fairly affectionate. He doesn't go out with the boys, He paid for me to have driving lessons, paid for my driving test, gave me his car to use and has generally helped me alot in the year we have been together. He is Self employed and works alot of hours so I dont see him as much as I'd like to but he still makes sure that he makes time for me and treats me like I am still important to him.

 

So why do I KEEP being so nasty to him? I was so calm in my previous relationship, I NEVER had a go at my ex and I NEVER tried to destroy my relaionship with him for no reason so why am I doing it now? An example of this was last night. I was feeling fine up until about 9pm and then I just started getting moody with him. I dont know what triggered it off but I just kept saying horrible things to him. I keep saying to him that I dont think that I want to have kids with him but I only do this to make him feel hurt or wind him up. I have a go at him about an ex-girlfriend that he is still in contact with, because he sees her every now and then (although I feel he acts differently around her) and I just generally try and see how far I can push him before he tells me to **** Off. I get jealous easily and seem to be constantly going off on one and wrecking everything that we have built up in the last year.

 

I seem to like pushing his buttons and MAKING him start to dislike me. Why would someone do this???

 

If I knew WHY I was doing this then I would do aomething about it. I dont know if it's insecurity or anger or what. I have NEVER been like this before, that is why it worries me so much. I am generally a calm and relaxed person.

 

I dont trust him and this shows. I keep telling him that I dont think that he loves me, just to try and get him to tell me that he does, which doesn't work. We have an amazing sex life and we are very well suited in so many ways. I am frustrating myself by doing this becasue it is like I have turned into this totally different person. I dont WANT to be like this.

 

I think some of it may come from the fact that I cant get over that he has been married before and has 2 children with someone else. I keep thinking that he wont ever love me as much as he loved his ex.

 

I could go on and on about the things that I have done to try and wreck our relationship but it would take a lifetime. The bottom line is:

 

Im angry and dont know why

I keep destructing my relationship and dont know why

Im jealous and dont know why

 

I would really appreciate some peoples thoughts on this, if they have been in the same position or whether anyone can help me understand WHY I am doing this.

 

:(

[littlekitty]

Usually in cases like this, it's subconcious thoughts and feelings that are pushing us to behave like this.

 

Do you fear he will leave you? Do you fear you are not good enough for him?

 

It sounds like you are pushing and pushing him as far as you can to see if what you subconciously feel, will actually happen. i.e. He will leave you just like you expected. Or he will go because you are not good enough for him.

 

Does this sound like it could be a possibility?

[Kinger25]

Hi littlekitty

 

Yes I do sometimes feel as though he is too good for me and I do fear that he will leave me.

 

I also keep thinking about his past relationship with his wife. They were together for 13 years and married for 6 years and he has told me in great detail about their life together. I keep feeling as though I cannot live up to that or that I will never have as much of his love as she did. She really hurt him cause she left him for someone else so he is now very cautious in this relationship, which is understandable.

 

I do push things as far as I can I think to see how much he loves me and how much he will take before he finally tells me to get lost and leaves me. I know I do this and I know its wrong but I get so angry inside because I dont think he loves me like I love him. I wish I could just get on with it and try and have a nice relationship. If I could find the root cause of it I might be able to sort it out.

 

Has anyone ever behaved like this in a relationship that might be able to give me some advice?

[johan]

You sound exactly like my ex. She would hit me out of the blue with stuff. You can read about it in early threads I started. Up until one exactly a year ago when I cut things off with her. I realized the chances of us ever having a peaceful, trusting, loving relationship were zero. There would always be something for her to get wound up about.

 

I hope you post whatever understanding you come up with, because I'd like to understand as well.

 

I loved her a lot. I still don't have bad feelings for her. I just wish she would have stopped this. This behavior is what killed an otherwise perfect relationship between two people who fit together in so many ways.

[Ripples]

It seems like a testing thing to see how much he loves you. "Well, if you won't put up with everything I do and am, then you can't really love me". Although you weren't like it with your previous BF, so maybe not.

 

As I said in your other thread, maybe it's healthier to stop examining the 'whys' of your relationship and look instead at what you can do to stop doing what you don't like. You don't need to know the 'why' to do that.

 

It's unusual for this type of behaviour to only occur in one relationship, usually, in my experience, it's a pattern that reoccurs. Usually it's a learned behaviour that gave one a pay off at one time or another. For instance, it could be that the pushing away was a way to get reassurance.

 

So, my advice would be to examine less the reason for why you do it and examine, instead, how you can stop doing it.

[Touche]

For me the bottom line in all of this is that some people literally "make you crazy."

 

I mean think about it. There are some people who bring out the BEST in us and others who really bring out an insecure and needy side...a less than attractive side.

 

It's not anyone's fault really. It's just the way it is. You are clearly not compatible with this guy. Move on and find someone who brings out the very best in you.

 

I've had b/f's who made me like you're being. I always felt like they were analyzing me and scrutinizing my every move and action. Do you feel that way? It can make you NUTS. Who needs that. Find someone you can relax and just be yourself with. Someone who you don't feel is just waiting for you to f'up.

[insomnie]

 

I've had b/f's who made me like you're being. I always felt like they were analyzing me and scrutinizing my every move and action. Do you feel that way? It can make you NUTS. Who needs that. Find someone you can relax and just be yourself with. Someone who you don't feel is just waiting for you to f'up.

 

I am the same way that OP is in her relationship, and I must say this really hit a nerve! I'd never considered my actions stemming from plain old incompatibility...but I really do feel like he's scrutinizing my every move. That if I do anything wrong, he'll leave. So maybe this is it for you too? A subconscious fear of abandonment, that actually starts with the kind of person he is (perhaps a perfectionist of sorts?), or what he is looking for, or how he makes you feel.

 

You don't have to outwardly mistreat someone for them to feel insecure. There are more subtle ways to do it. Have you ever talked to him about your future together? Maybe you feel like he isn't really here to stay, that he isn't as committed to you as he was to his wife (to whom, after all, he was married) and you're just trying to figure him out via this immature mind-game-playing. A better to find those answers and see where he stands is conversation.

 

Sorry for the jumbled post. I'm drunk =).

[Touche]

Wow, Imsomnie, for being drunk you sure honed right in and "got" what I was saying.

 

And that's right, sometimes these are really good guys. They don't abuse or hurt you in any real way. In fact "on paper" they look like the perfect catch. But in reality they control you in a very subtle way.

 

The standards they set for themselves and others are very often unrealistic. You hit the nail on the head when you brought up the possibility of the OP's b/f being a perfectionist. Very often these types are.

 

They can make you feel as insecure as the guy who looks and flirts with every woman. But they don't do that. They usually make a good living and take care of all their responsibilites. They're almost like robots.

 

Weakness of any kind is not acceptable to these types. They will cut you off withouth a second's thought the minute you dispaly a weakness. And they won't ever look back.

 

And deep down, you may know this about him. You know that he will drop you like a hot poker if you show your true feelings. You have to keep a wall up most of the time but sometimes, when you're tired or weak, you can't keep up the charade and you "lash out."

 

Sound familiar?

 

Yes, sometimes just as Insomnie said, it just comes down to incompatibility. Your personalities are all wrong for each other.

[johan]

It must suck to be with guys like that. Glad I'm not that way.

[Touche]

Thought of a few more things here. I've been drawn like a magnet to the type of man I was describing. I've thought of a few other character traits. See if you can relate to any of these:

 

They don't display much emotion. They rarely if ever, show you their vulnerable side. Their pride won't allow it or something. They show genuine affection only rarely and if they think you're pulling away.

 

Like I said they demand a lot of themselves and of those around them. Often they have no friends or only a couple. They can be moody and have no trouble expressing anger but it's difficult for them to display any other kind of real emotion.

 

So often we as women, stuck with these types, want to get a "rise" out of them. We want to see if there really is a human being in there or if they're really the robot we suspect them to be.

 

So we'll start a fight or act insecure. This just usually annoys them and makes them even colder. They make a pretense of really showing that they care but we know that it's not for real. We know because they usually will put on an act like they care but quickly lose their patience and get angry.

 

If the caring were genuine, they wouldn't get angry.

 

If all this applies to you and you see this pattern, RUN! These guys are cold. They are unable to show REAL emotion. They have this little idea in their heads about how things are "supposed" to be and god forbid if things aren't EXACTLY like their "master plan."

 

Find a man with whom you can show your weaknesses right off the bat. Find a man who can show his.

 

And lastly, beware of the man who needs the big house and status symbol car. They're usually pretty shallow and are trying to cover up for all of their deficiencies.

 

Hope I've helped.

[Guest]

Not trying to be rude here, but the question in my mind is why does he put up with it? I'm sorry, but I'm tired of hearing stories of girls who treat guys like garbage and the guys stick around. Meanwhile, I treat my men like kings and they always run.... maybe I need to take some advice from you and treat a guy like dirt to get him to stay.

[norajane]

Sound to me like you're the one trying to push him away with your 'irrational' anger. Do you think you might have intimacy issues?

 

Like you're afraid that the two of you are getting closer, forming a real relationship, and you're not really ready - deep down - to commit to this guy who's alrady had a wife and two children? As though you don't really trust it's going to work out, so you are pushing and pushing him away instead of pulling away yourself? Maybe you don't really want this to work out, or you don't want to get closer, because you'd rather be with someone who hasn't already done the marriage/kids thing.

[allina]

What about the fact that you have been in pretty much a constant relationship since you were 17?! You haven't been on your own your whole adult life, maybe that has something to do with it?

[Guest]

Hi. I wan to help you, and I hope I can. I have been in a relationship with my BF for a about ayear . I am 25 and he is 54. He has also been doing things for me. He paid for everything(we lived together) i really loved him, but I would get moody. he has 2 kids from his previous marriage., And he never introudced me to his family even though we lived together a year and he said he loved me. 2 weeks ago he left me saying that I treated him like ****. I have been trying to get him back, but haven;t had any luck. I realize I was a bitch at times and I wanted to change, but as time is passing by I am trying to thing why I was like that. and the conclusion that I have come to is that I didn't like things that he did and said, but I loved him so much that didn't pay much attention to them, but in my mind I did and thats why I was angry and jealous. So, the point I am trying to make is that look at your situation from the side, and try to analize what you do not like about your relationship, and if you really want to be in it. may be try to talk to him about things that bother you.

 

hope that helps

 

P.S. it hurts like **** when someone you love leaves you and blames you for everyhting

 

Hi

 

Wondered if you guys could help me out with this one as it's eating me up inside and I need some advice.

 

I have been with my current BF for just over a year. He has been married before and has 2 boys, one if which lives with him full time. He is only 32 and his eldest boy is 14 so when I moved in with him I had to accept his two children would be around aswell. Fine. My previous relationship lasted for 8 years, with me being the one that finished it in the end. I am 25.

 

I dont know why, but I seem to be intent on destructing my relationship with my BF. I have these uncontrollable feelings of anger inside of me and I am constantly having a go at him when he really does not do anything wrong.

 

He's faithful, loyal, works hard, and is fairly affectionate. He doesn't go out with the boys, He paid for me to have driving lessons, paid for my driving test, gave me his car to use and has generally helped me alot in the year we have been together. He is Self employed and works alot of hours so I dont see him as much as I'd like to but he still makes sure that he makes time for me and treats me like I am still important to him.

 

So why do I KEEP being so nasty to him? I was so calm in my previous relationship, I NEVER had a go at my ex and I NEVER tried to destroy my relaionship with him for no reason so why am I doing it now? An example of this was last night. I was feeling fine up until about 9pm and then I just started getting moody with him. I dont know what triggered it off but I just kept saying horrible things to him. I keep saying to him that I dont think that I want to have kids with him but I only do this to make him feel hurt or wind him up. I have a go at him about an ex-girlfriend that he is still in contact with, because he sees her every now and then (although I feel he acts differently around her) and I just generally try and see how far I can push him before he tells me to **** Off. I get jealous easily and seem to be constantly going off on one and wrecking everything that we have built up in the last year.

 

I seem to like pushing his buttons and MAKING him start to dislike me. Why would someone do this???

 

If I knew WHY I was doing this then I would do aomething about it. I dont know if it's insecurity or anger or what. I have NEVER been like this before, that is why it worries me so much. I am generally a calm and relaxed person.

 

I dont trust him and this shows. I keep telling him that I dont think that he loves me, just to try and get him to tell me that he does, which doesn't work. We have an amazing sex life and we are very well suited in so many ways. I am frustrating myself by doing this becasue it is like I have turned into this totally different person. I dont WANT to be like this.

 

I think some of it may come from the fact that I cant get over that he has been married before and has 2 children with someone else. I keep thinking that he wont ever love me as much as he loved his ex.

 

I could go on and on about the things that I have done to try and wreck our relationship but it would take a lifetime. The bottom line is:

 

Im angry and dont know why

I keep destructing my relationship and dont know why

Im jealous and dont know why

 

I would really appreciate some peoples thoughts on this, if they have been in the same position or whether anyone can help me understand WHY I am doing this.

 

:(

[mental_traveller]

This is one of the rare posts where I have no clue why anyone would act that way. Have you considered seeing a therapist? It might help to get to the bottom of this, because it doesn't sound like normal or rational behaviour.

[Touche]

What do you mean you have no clue why anyone would act that way? I described the type of personality that would drive someone to act the way the OP acts.

 

It may be perfectly "normal" and "rational" to respond to a person such as I described, the way the OP did.

 

Can't you accept that some people are just incompatible? A robot and a real woman don't fit together.

[Kinger25]

Thanks for these, It really made me sit up and look when I read what some of you were saying.

 

Touche I think you are spot on, to a point. He does display some of the emotions that you mentioned but not to any great extent. He does show me affection when he thinks I'm pulling away but bare in mind, he sits with me on a night time, and always cuddles me. He always says to me "aren't you gonna come and sit with me?" if I'm sitting somewhere else. However One thing that I have thought about since reading your threads is that he may actually be subconciously trying to control me and in MY subconcious I am just starting to notice this and am fighting against it. What I mean is.. My Ex gave me alot of space. If I wanted to go out and stay out all night he would let me. He trusted me and in return I respected his trust and always let him know where I was and who I was with. My Ex was 10 years older than me and knew that I needed to live a little before I properly settled down. Things didn't work out with him for various reasons but it definitely wasn't because he was trying to control me. My current BF doesn't REALLY like me going out without him. He admits it to me when I ask him about it. He says "I dont want a relationship like that" and to be fair HE doesn't go out that much either. If we go out its usually together. He seems to want this "family" orientated relationship and wants me to settle down with him and his children which as I am sure you can understand is easier said than done. He checks my phone sometimes and displays dissatisfaction when any of my male friends contact me. Its not like he's over the top about it but there are warning signs of power struggles for sure. At first I quite liked the fact that he cared about what I was doing and where I was going but is it really healthy for him to be like that? I dont handle control too well. I left home when I was 15 because my parents were so controlling. Maybe I see him in a parental role rather than as a partner and this is what winds me up and encourages me to treat him like this.

 

I still get the jealousy issue with he ex-wife etc but current BF says he WANTS to get married to me one day so I dont think I am really justified in feeling as though he will never love me as much as ex-wife. They were together 6 years before they married and like he says - it takes time to build up a relationship to the point of marriage.

 

Nora Jane you are also right, I do have intimacy issues to an extent as I dont really feel comfortable with cuddling and touching etc etc.

 

The incompatibility bit I am not sure about. We are SO well suited in so many ways, and it's me that is doing the shouting and screaming, not him. He must love me to a certain extent because he's put up with so much crap from me already, But I have definitely taken on board what you have all said. If we are incompatible - why do I think it will be so hard to leave him. I do love him with all my heart and would be DEVESTATED if he finished with me.

 

I think I need to calm down and go with the flow a bit more. At least then if we are NOT compatible, it will not be because I haven't tried. If in 6 months or a years time I think we are not suited, at least it will not be because I am flying off the handle all of the time and I or he can make an informed and rational decision about our future??

[Baybee9404]

I think you go on these anger sprees because he doesnt give you all of his attention. Most of his attention has to go to his kids, their his kids not you. His kids will always be first no matter what you just have to get used to being 2nd because you will never be first unless you get a boyfriend without children.

[Grrr]

Your testing him to see if his feelings are genuine, wether despite you being a cow to him, he'd stick around.... we all do it lol

[insomnie]

 

And that's right, sometimes these are really good guys. They don't abuse or hurt you in any real way. In fact "on paper" they look like the perfect catch. But in reality they control you in a very subtle way.

 

The standards they set for themselves and others are very often unrealistic. You hit the nail on the head when you brought up the possibility of the OP's b/f being a perfectionist. Very often these types are.

 

They can make you feel as insecure as the guy who looks and flirts with every woman. But they don't do that. They usually make a good living and take care of all their responsibilites. They're almost like robots.

 

Weakness of any kind is not acceptable to these types. They will cut you off withouth a second's thought the minute you dispaly a weakness. And they won't ever look back.

 

And deep down, you may know this about him. You know that he will drop you like a hot poker if you show your true feelings. You have to keep a wall up most of the time but sometimes, when you're tired or weak, you can't keep up the charade and you "lash out."

 

Sound familiar?

 

Yes, once again! OP, you are lashing out because you feel inseure. Your boyfriend might not be doing anything "wrong", but chances are, your insecurity doesn't come totally from your head. Because you don't always feel insecure with everyone, right? So something about him is making you feel that way, and it's making you lash out. That doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy, but you might be incompatible. On the other hand, you might be able to pinpoint why you feel this way, and talk to him about it, and resolve things, either with you making a commitment, in your mind, not to lash out anymore, or with him changing some aspect of his behaivior.

 

As I said before, I am in the same situation you are, and Touche basically nailed the components of my bf's personality that make me act the way I do. He's an emotional "robot": oftentimes I feel that the only reaosn he is with me is that he likes the way I look on paper. He is affectionate and he treats me well, but there is no passion there. I am not sure that he is a person capable of real love, at least the kind of love that I crave - the crazier kind, the kind orginating from the heart, as opposed to reason. Of course, love means different things for different people, and a lot are perfectly satisfied with choosing who to be with based PURELY on a mathematical formula...but I am not one of those people, and this is why (I am starting to realize) he and I are NOT compatible. And also why I feel so inesure.

 

I was also thinking, maybe you are lashing out because on some level you aren't sure YOU want to be with him? Maybe you are initiaitng all this fighting in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for how you might feel. Or even to reassure yourself that you want to be with him, since he must love you if he's willing to take so much crap.

[sockpuppet]

Yes, once again! OP, you are lashing out because you feel inseure. Your boyfriend might not be doing anything "wrong", but chances are, your insecurity doesn't come totally from your head. Because you don't always feel insecure with everyone, right? So something about him is making you feel that way, and it's making you lash out. That doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy, but you might be incompatible. On the other hand, you might be able to pinpoint why you feel this way, and talk to him about it, and resolve things, either with you making a commitment, in your mind, not to lash out anymore, or with him changing some aspect of his behaivior.

 

As I said before, I am in the same situation you are, and Touche basically nailed the components of my bf's personality that make me act the way I do. He's an emotional "robot": oftentimes I feel that the only reaosn he is with me is that he likes the way I look on paper. He is affectionate and he treats me well, but there is no passion there. I am not sure that he is a person capable of real love, at least the kind of love that I crave - the crazier kind, the kind orginating from the heart, as opposed to reason. Of course, love means different things for different people, and a lot are perfectly satisfied with choosing who to be with based PURELY on a mathematical formula...but I am not one of those people, and this is why (I am starting to realize) he and I are NOT compatible. And also why I feel so inesure.

 

I was also thinking, maybe you are lashing out because on some level you aren't sure YOU want to be with him? Maybe you are initiaitng all this fighting in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for how you might feel. Or even to reassure yourself that you want to be with him, since he must love you if he's willing to take so much crap.

 

 

It's also a lot about perception though. The fact that you don't see his love as "that kind" doesn't mean he isn't giving it. The impression I get, is that you're looking for that extra special intense kind as a kind of external validation for yourself. Basically, you're insecure and you need somebody who caters more to that than he does. If it's a matter of incompatibility, it's only that insofar as you're not emotionally prepared to be with someone who doesn't need that. This isn't an attack, just an observation.

 

The OP's case could be much the same. It's easy to think, "well if he was a little more ----....then I'd feel better," but the truth is the fact that you're even craving this, or looking to him not "giving you" something is indicative of the possibility that you're just insecure and need some other form of support or validation to make you feel wanted.

 

C'mon, how many guys have been cheated on only to have the girl say, "You just didn't fulfill my needs," Aside from an abusive guy, how often is this actually the case? The truth is these women (and men too though I don't hear that excuse from them so much) go with other men to feel wanted when they've already "got" their guy and feel like they need more.

 

Either way OP, you need to look what you need to do within yourself to not worry about this stuff in the future, for now maybe you'll be happier outside of a relationship.

[brickaney]

I do push things as far as I can I think to see how much he loves me and how much he will take before he finally tells me to get lost and leaves me. I know I do this and I know its wrong but I get so angry inside because I dont think he loves me like I love him. I wish I could just get on with it and try and have a nice relationship. If I could find the root cause of it I might be able to sort it out.

 

Has anyone ever behaved like this in a relationship that might be able to give me some advice?

 

I think your boyfriend does love you as much as you love him. First off, he loves you because he's stayed with you for over a year and if he didn't love you, and thought that deep down you were an angry and resentful woman, he wouldn't have kept you around very long. Secondly, his wife broke his heart so you have nothing to be jealous about. I doubt he would even consider getting back with her if it means anything to you. Sure he spent thirteen years with her, but you spent eight years with your ex. Should he hold onto fears of you leaving him for your ex just because of how long you to were together? I think if anything your boyfriends ex wife made him more cautious of his feelings and the fact that he has opened up to you and stuck with you for a year already means a lot.

To solve your problem I'd consider maybe counselling and if you're not comfortable with that then finding books to read about it could be just as helpful. You should take action to make those changes in your attitude before you push your boyfriend away too much. You've come so far as to realize that you have a problem and you're seeking out solutions, that's a big step already. For the time being try to find encouragement by going out with girlfriends who can lift you up. And next time you get the urge to start an arguement just forget about it. Don't hold any resentments towards him because once he starts seeing them he'll push away. My boyfriend and I try our best to hold a "forgive and forget" policy with our arguements. We also have a set of rules for how we're going to conduct our arguing. Rules such as:

-There's no using the words: "Never" & "Always"

-There's no making accusations like "Well, you do this" or "You do this to me"

-Instead we try to say "I feel like this when blah blah blah" or "sometimes I feel like blank when you blank"

 

A lot of times I'm reminded to go back to the basics of the relationship because things tend to get too complicated and confusing. I hate corny stuff but those rules honestly help my boyfriend and I get through our arguements in a civilized manner without holding resentments or holding any feelings back. Maybe your arguements have skewed your focus on what the real problem is. It could be something very simple that, after hours of arguing and confusing one another, turned into something complicated that's making you treat him the way you are. I'd say buying a book on relationships is very convenient and affordable, and, if you're like me, it's not as awkward as seeing a counselor would be.

 

Also, my last point, I realized in my relationship that there's no real way for my boyfriend to ever tell me how much he really loves me. Sure there's always uncertainty in love but I thought there had to be a way for him to tell me. I was expecting him to say something that could come out of a movie, some profound meaningful sentence to express himself. That was too much pressure for him and he made me realize that it's really not possible to explain to someone fully how much you care about them. So basically you're never going to really know how much your boyfriend loves you. You just have to look to his actions and words, but not directly, to see how much he cares about you.