Losing my girl

[professor_chaos]

Let me start by saying that this is the first time viewer of this forum but I have spent the last 4 hours reading others posts, but I could use some impartial advice.

 

I am having a relationship problem with my best friend, companion and lover. We have been together for the last 10 years, living with each other for the last 7. I truly fell in love with her, and I believe she with me, due to the fact that we were the best of friends. Athough, the relationship started very physical, it developed into a great friendship.

 

Out of the blue, three weeks ago, she tells me that she still loves me, but shes not in love with me. We try (or should I say I try) for a week to work things out. In hindsite I did all the wrong things, focusing on problem solving and not listening. Then I get upset with the fact that she appears to not be trying to solve the "problem". This drives her away. She goes and stays with a friend for 2 weeks, and during that time she become more distant. We met four days ago, to talk, and I thought we made progress. We talked about the current lack of intimacy and communication and it seemed that we were going in the right direction.

 

Anyway, today we go together and she tells me that she want to leave for good. I ask her that if we had something in the past, that why not try and work to get that back. She tells me that she wants those those feelings again but she can't see having those feelings for me. I did the only thing I could think of at the time, and threatened our current and future friendship, saying "if you leave, you are leaving our friendship and everything we have ever had." I feel really bad about playing that card. It was manipulative and forceful, and I now think it going to come back to bite me somehow. That said, she agreed (or should I say gave in) to try and give it more time, and see what happens.

 

Let me tell you, this whole thing was like waking up from a good dream. I didn't see this coming, but in retrospect, I should of. Over the years, we have become complacient companions. We bought a house big enough that we could spend a lot of time under the same roof, but not together. I could watch my favorite TV show in my room, and she in hers. Everything became too comfortable. The passion and excitement faded.

 

I want what we had before. I love her immensely. After reading these forums and other referenced materials, I know I have done too many of the wrong things and need to focus on doing things the right way in order to save this relationship.

 

Do you guys thing this sounds hopeless. Or in reading my account, do I have a chance?

Thanks for your opinion.

[mental_traveller]

I'd say yes you do have a chance, but it will be hard. Chances are that she has felt this way for years before finally telling you. You seem to understand the problem pretty well - complacency caused drift and a lack of intimacy and passion, a very common fate for all people in long-term relationships. I'd say what it needs is first, for you to honestly look at all the flaws in your side of the relationship, and then come clean honestly and frankly to her about them. If you are truly open about all you did wrong, or failed to do, then she can at least see you've recognised. That will put you ahead of 90% of people in this situation. Then make a serious commitment to her to change and get back the good times, that you will do whatever it takes. Then, by your actions (not words) you have to start convincing her you can change to the guy she fell in love with. Surprise her, be passionate, don't pressure her but simply act the right way, and allow her to reopen her heart to you out of her own free will. If she needs space, give her some, but also regularly do things that will remind her why she had feelings for you for so long.

 

Basically you have to woo her all over again, almost like getting her in the first place, except that you have a bit of a head start If you make the effort & are sincere, I think there's a good chance she'll realise and give it another go. But if you backslide and let her down, go back to the old ways, then be ready to lose her for good.

 

I also think it's very important to avoid being bitter or manipulative. Listen, and validate her feelings. Why not tell her "You know what? You are right! I can't blame you for losing some of your feelings, because the way I acted, I didn't do enough to keep them." Something like that, but do it your own way. If she feels you recognise and understand her feelings, she should be much more open to change & trying again. And of course you must profusely apologise for the attempted manipulation. DON'T play dirty or hard if you want any chance of saving things. Be understanding, patient, and tolerant - and passionate too.

 

Good luck.

[happymom]

i don't understand,when did things start going south?

[happymom]

mental traveller...could you reply to my post, you have great advice?

[professor_chaos]

thank you mental_traveller.

All of what you said, I agree with and think is the best plan right now.

My only worry/doubt is that even though I am willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, what if she has "made up" her mind, and resolved herself to not feeling anything for me again. I keep going over in my head what she said to me... "I want to have the feelings I had with you again, but I can't see having them with you."

So I worry that she will put up a wall, in order to intentionally not have those feelings again.

[Wolfp]

Walls already there friend. That's what you have to understand. Give her a little space to breath and think. If she has already decided that it is over, you cant do anything to change that. She is her own person with her own thoughts/feelings. Focus on yourself instead. Dont think in terms of giving her a 'big show of love and affection', think small and consistent changes to yourself, that once accomplished, you can maintain. If it works out between you two, great! If not, then you are better prepared the next time around, and there will be a next time. Continue to read, cant say that enough. I have managed to learn not only a heap about the opposite sex, but about myself as well and why I act/react the way I do when faced with problems. That's the real eye opener. Anyway, good luck to you. Treat it as something of a new adventure, a challenge, or whatever. Try to make it fun for yourself rather than a task.

[professor_chaos]

i don't understand,when did things start going south?

 

It's difficult to say that it might of started at some point. I think fundamentally, it started when we first met. You see, neither of us has ever cheated on the other, neither of us are abusive, physically or mentally to each other. We don't have any problems with addiction. All and all, there isn't a specific event or events that might be seen as a catalyst for the current problem.

Instead, I submit the possibility that our personalities facilitated the problem, and probably started it all. I am the fighter, and she the damsel. When I sleep, I dream of work or recent events, and she dreams of butterflies and candy-canes. When I have a problem with something, with anybody, I let them know. She avoids confrontation at all costs. Arent we a perfect match or what?

 

She has a difficult time confronting me with any problems. She feels that I will "attack" her. And shes right. I grew up arguing and debating with my family. It was just our way. She grew up afraid to argue, because her family avoided confrontation at all costs. So everytime she would have a problem with something I did, she would not tell me for fear that it might turn into a fight.

 

From a larger perspective, I don't think it would be good for either of us to just walk away from this relationship, because Our bad habits would just follow us into the next relationship. That's why I will do just about anything to keep this relationship going, so we have a chance to try and work out some of our faults. And I am open the possibility that this realtionship might not work out, but I want the chance to try and curve some of these habits. I just hope that she can, at some point, trust me enough, and feel safe enough to start working on this relationship.

 

So, I think I really need to work on "listening" instead of problem solving, "hearing" instead of talking, and making her feel "safe" to express herself.

 

 

I really appreciate any further responses, esp. from the female perspective. If you were her, what would you want from me? I worried about showing her how I feel, expressing my love for her, because it will just scare her right now. But I don't want to do nothing. I've been in this relationship long enough, how do I wooo her again. We have all of these memories together and theres just not that spark of excitement of the unknown that there is in a brand new relationship. I'm not sure where a good balance would be here. How much is enough, leaving room for her to desire for me and chase me?

[professor_chaos]

Focus on yourself instead. Dont think in terms of giving her a 'big show of love and affection', think small and consistent changes to yourself, that once accomplished, you can maintain. ...... Treat it as something of a new adventure, a challenge, or whatever. Try to make it fun for yourself rather than a task.

 

Good advice. I definately prefer adventures and challenges more than "tasks". One of my problems I need to work out, is I see "walls" as something that with enough effort, can be hurdled, or demolished. I am a "fighter" and I don't like failing. But I guess this is a wall that is not mine to hurdle, and all I can do is be the person I want to be, and hope that she wants that person, and eventually takes down the wall to be with that person.

 

Thanks for your advice Wolfp, it really helps.

[mental_traveller]

thank you mental_traveller.

All of what you said, I agree with and think is the best plan right now.

My only worry/doubt is that even though I am willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, what if she has "made up" her mind, and resolved herself to not feeling anything for me again. I keep going over in my head what she said to me... "I want to have the feelings I had with you again, but I can't see having them with you."

So I worry that she will put up a wall, in order to intentionally not have those feelings again.

 

Yeah that could be difficult. I'm not sure what you can do other than try to be the best guy you can from now on. Ultimately she's going to be the one who makes the choice. But you can try to steer her in the right direction and try to start breaking down the wall one brick at a time. You might have to accept some pain if she is stubborn at first though, and be careful not to take out that frustration on her.

 

I agree totally with wolfp's advice - try to make the change about become a better man yourself, and let her notice that; rather than make a big show or heavy promises etc. And also I think you're right that she may feel "pressured" if you come on too strong. She has to feel she can communicate without being attacked. Basically I think you have a very good grasp of the problem, we can maybe confirm what you already know, but ultimately you know what to do, and just have to follow through and make it happen now.

 

So I would say just try your best, be patient and don't give up, and hope she slowly comes around. I think women respond quite well if they can see a guy is making a genuine effort for her over a long period of time - even if they weren't into the guy that much, it will at least make some impression. So if it's someone they loved strongly, there's a very decent chance they will come around in the end. The tough part may be if it takes too long for you, and/or she feels she has to experiment with dating other ppl etc (quite common after a long relationship ends). Perhaps just let her know that you'll accept if she needs to take time, just tell her your door is always open to her if she thinks you've changed and wants to try again. Then cross your fingers and hope for the best!

[Gunny376]

The train has already left the station, and you've missed the train.

 

Its not about her. Its about becoming the best person that you can be and become. Its about learning, and growing as a person. Meeting her, knowing her, loving her, losing her was what you needed to grow and to become a better person.

 

Your never going to ascend in your thinking until you can grasp that less is more, letting go is love, being still is still moving, that not making a decision is a decision.

[DieselPWR]

The train has already left the station, and you've missed the train.

 

Its not about her. Its about becoming the best person that you can be and become. Its about learning, and growing as a person. Meeting her, knowing her, loving her, losing her was what you needed to grow and to become a better person.

 

Your never going to ascend in your thinking until you can grasp that less is more, letting go is love, being still is still moving, that not making a decision is a decision.

 

Yes sir,

Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event in your life to jumpstart you. The growth that takes place irregardless of the outcome is something that you will not belive. Work on yourself, and see where that takes you. You have to realize that there are somethings that you absolutely cannot control; the only thing that you can control is you and your actions. When you start to work on yourself, you will see other things in your life start to come together.

The help that comes from the folks here is unbelievable. You may not hear what you want to hear; but you will hear what you need to.

Me

[professor_chaos]

I hear ya gunny. In actuality, since all of this started, I can never remember feeling so good and so bad at the same time. I feel reborn in many ways. I can't be sure if its just shell-shock but it feels great. Everything seems somehow new, and stupid tasks/chores I used to hate are now quite relaxing.

 

But on the same note I feel quite disoriented. This morning I forgot to put coffee in the filter, burnt my toast and forgot how to make a sandwich. I always feel like I should be doing something, and I feel really weird just sitting doing nothing.

 

I think your guys advice is exactly what I needed. I am commited to focusing on myself, improving in areas I was unhappy with before.

[Gunny376]

You don't know wheather you're going to die laughing or die crying! It can be a toss up.