shattered4good Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 :mad:I was TARGETED- by someone I had known for over 25 years. Jeff and I were intimate briefly in undergrad school. I never pursued a relationship with him - he let me know in many non-verbal ways he wasn't terribly interested in me when I had my clothes on. We were just friends. I had feelings for him but I have never thrown myself at men. I had literally forgotten all about him and put my feelings for him on ice. Jeff had left to go to another school and I didn’t hear from him until April 2002, when he emailed me "out of the blue." Seems he got my email address from Classmates.com where Jeff has contacted other old friends, too. (He since removed himself from that site) Jeff had been laid off after 9/11 (formerly the publisher of a children's magazine) so had the time to IM me every day. We got into long deep chats about life, philosophy and where we were at. I tried to give him lots of encouragement in his job search. In short, we caught up and Jeff quickly initiated an emotional affair. He found out that I am a single mom, disabled and divorcing due to abuse. Jeff is married with children and a high-end life style. He was extremely sympathetic about other abusive relationships I had been trapped in and my internet “love” couldn't have been nicer and more romantic to me. Jeff used phrases like "I will do anything to make you happy," "I had never forgot you," "You KNOW me, I would NEVER hurt you or lie to you." As soon as I got comfortable with this emotional cyber affair, the love bombing began. In retrospect, I see he was profiling me. Jeff likes cybersex and initiated it with me rapidly - while swearing up and down he'd never done it before. He repeatedly told me his feelings for me were scaring & confusing him. Jeff's big line was "I can't control myself now that you are back in my life". I told him to slow down, I wanted lunch or coffee with him, a face to face, in order to catch up. “You’re moving too fast,” I told him. Jeff began pushing to meet me at a hotel right away but I told him no. So he refused to see me! For 18 months he continued to say he couldn't control himself around me - despite me telling him I had put on 80lbs from illness & medication. Even though I was 10 minutes from where he finally went to work again (a well-known children's entertainment company), he dug his heels in. I would go to doctor appointments or to meet friends literally across the street from where he worked and yet he ignored, made excuses or told me he was out of the office that day. The “no lunch” but “meet me in a hotel,” was confusing to me, especially since he convinced me we were “falling in love” again. I felt like a warm wet blanket had been put over my brain most of the time. I couldn't seem to get a grip on my mind or my feelings. which is very unlike me. Jeff also told me he couldn’t see me socially because, "I’ll have to make some hard decisions about my marriage even if we just see each other as friends.” Frankly, I didn't know what had hit me at the time. I told Jeff I was not comfortable getting involved with someone who was married with children. After my reality shots, he would distance himself from me for a few weeks (disappear offline) and come back with a vengeance and more love bombing (and poor excuses). Jeff used a lot of "confusing talk" with me and then played dumb. Jeff was "confused, tortured, needy" -- you pick! Of course that was to make ME confused, tortured & needy!! He would twist things, making it seem like I was acting overbearing and aggressive when he had initiated and encouraged the interest. I felt like I was in a trance. I couldn't make sense of myself or anything else. I am educated and normally well-grounded despite my disability but I felt suicidal a couple times and went to a psychiatrist who put me on Zoloft. I felt very disconnected from everything.... it sounds odd but I just felt like I was out of my body most of the time and figured I was losing it. It didn't occur to me it was Jeff doing this to me! Jeff elicited sympathy from me in many ways. One by saying that ADHD was his "problem." He has told me he's on Wellbutrin, and called them his "happy pills." He also bragged that he had a friend whose mom worked at Pfizer so he could get his Vitamin V (Viagra). This he needed, you understand, because his wife was so cold and unfeeling towards him. He shared these things with me not as "sob stories" mind you, but as one old friend telling another the truth about how their life had turned out. He would tell me very specific things about his marriage and particularly his wife's supposed sexual inadequacies. He even regaled me with once with a story about how they'd had sex the night before - getting very specific until I just click off the computer! Multiple times I told him his specifics were "too much information" and to please open a dialogue with his wife. I told him perhaps because she worked all day, took care of 2 kids and the house - she was tired. I remember telling him she wasn't a mind-reader and he needed to talk to her or go with her for short term counseling. His wife was paying all the bills while he looked for a new job - but he assured me it was a marriage of convenience at this point. He made excuses, changed the subject or told me he had to get offline and probably blocked me. I asked REPEATEDLY to meet his wife & children and for him to meet my children to normalize the relationship and he refused. One time he told me he should never have married his wife because he wasn't sure he loved her - I told him if it was that bad perhaps they should separate and try to mediate so they could both move on with their lives. He told me she would kill herself if he left and he couldn't face that. Whether that was the truth or yet another way to elicit my compassion, I don't know. In September 2002 my estranged husband found some files on my computer regarding this emotional affair. The abuse from my ex escalated badly. Because of my feelings for Jeff, I defended him. Sharing my predicament with Jeff, his response was to distance himself for weeks saying "its best if I go away." Basically he left me hanging while I was treated like dirt and my children heard me called a "whore." When he contacted me again, he acted if the emotional stuff between us NEVER happened. When I did bring it up because I was confused, Jeff gave me MORALITY lectures as if I was the one who began this “affair.” I was completely flabbergasted and hurt. As many abused women do, I rationalized it. I remembered him as a very sweet, quirky person in college. He had been one of the loves of my life and it was easy. coming from years of marital abuse, to be grateful for the attention and friendship and rationalize away his inconsistencies. We continued talking for many months as friends. Of course Jeff would send me sexually explicit email, make sexual comments or downright inappropriate chat. If I told him I was the least bit put-off? He would punish me by blocking me online for a few days. So he trained me to not question him. Jeff finally admitted to me he was addicted to online-porn, roll-playing and masturbating. He masturbated to me live on web cam once (It was a total SHOCK - NOT at my request) and sent me pictures of his penis and a number of pornographic images. These I deleted immediately. Like most abused women I had a "DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS" reaction. In my trauma, I just deleted it and tried to act like it never happened or make a joke out of it. He started requesting I do things for him on web cam all the while telling me it was "the only safe way we could be together." He would then apologize profusely for even asking when I told him no! About a year after my ex husband's discovery of the emotional affair - the cybersex started up again. Jeff might say the cybersex was o.k. and assure me we were not cheating, and then the next day or even an hour later act like he didn't remember what had happened. Complete disassociation. Sometimes he’d trivialize the cybersex.He was always blame-shifting now - making me feel it was ME who was the aggressor with phrases like "its up to you" or "if you want to" before he started up cybersex with me. Or he'd go on & on about his ex-fiance in lurid detail about their sex life and how he should have married her. Many times he told me he was 'sick' and 'needed help' but when I offered to help he placated me and did nothing. Once when I pushed him to tell me the truth he told me I was "just about sex for him." Two days later he contacted me swearing he'd counted his pills and forgot to take 2 and he didn't mean what he said, he was so very sorry. Astonishingly, Jeff even told me, "I look at every woman like they are just a hole." Do these guys even remember who they are talking to? By then I was so used to his bizarre-ness, I just put up with it. I realize now, he's a sex addict, among other things. The things he talked about doing got rougher and cruder and I started to say “No” to him again. Even though I'd had a prior relationship with him, this was ALL waaaay out of character for me. Jeff assured me we were in a private 'relationship' and it was just me and him. I even stopped speaking to him for weeks at a time because I was so uncomfortable. I was vulnerable and flattered by his interest - he'd write and tell me he missed me and to PLEASE talk to him again so I kept forgiving and going back, telling myself, “After all, we are good friends.” I finally decided we needed to meet and gave him an ultimatum. Lunch or we stop chatting. I gave him an out. He scheduled lunch--just once, in Sept. 2003. It didn’t go well. Jeff was stand-offish and didn’t look me in the eye. The conversation revolved around pleasantries with ZERO acknowledgement of what had passed between us in the prior months. Jeff's lack of manners was astounding. He didn't hold the door or my chair and he picked his teeth with a business card. He positioned us at a table where he could sit FAR away from me. I touched his arm once while talking and he glared at me like I had hit him with red hot poker. Besides the remoteness and stinging reserve, the most disturbing thing Jeff did was upon leaving. There was a short flight of stairs to negotiate. I gingerly walked by the wall so I could steady myself. Due to my disability, my legs aren't always reliable. Rather than stepping in and helping me, like most normal people do, he stood at the bottom of the stairs and backed away like I was a monster. I cried in the car on the way home. Jeff told a mutual friend I looked "fine" and lunch was merely"pleasant." Just "fine" even for an old friend you hadn't seen in 27 years? I was humiliated. This is a pattern for most abused women. They get charmed into an emotional attachment, allow abuse in the name of love or loyalty, get hurt and begin to doubt themselves and their worth, then rationalize away the abuse when the charm is turned on again, and finally, insanely, they think they can help the guy understand what he has done and help him change! We are good natured, loyal and loving idiots regarding this pattern. Sad to say, I allowed myself to become part of the pattern again, even after this lunch that demonstrated his true and evil character. Jeff also fancies himself a writer. He writes extensively on politics ethics, and religion and has his own website. In January 2004 he wrote an article that I helped him with. (I had done some editing on a number of his articles) I then introduced him to a female friend in California who is also involved with similar issues. At my request she helped place his article in a couple more places. I eventually learned that shortly after I introduced them, Jeff initiated an online affair with her. She ALSO comes from an unhappy marriage and a background of abuse so, once again was an easy target for him after he got done profiling her too. Ironically, he came with my recommendation! She stopped talking to me for weeks, and finally IM'd me to ask me a question about him. One thing led to another and after 36 hours of no sleep, here's the horror that came out of our marathon conversation: Jeff was going to see her in San Francisco to start an actual affair and tried to prevent my friend & I from communicating. He'd made travel and hotel plans for them as well as planning more trips for the two of them to be together and share "their love." When this woman and I did talk, we realized Jeff was weaving a tapestry of lies and conceit, the details of which are perplexing, often silly and sometimes painful. He told her I was obsessed with him, he felt sorry for me and was only putting up with me, made some disparaging comments about my looks and basically painted me to be 2 steps away from a stalker. It became evident that he was a deeply sick person. The lines and even the cybersex were word-for-word the same. Where the lies ended and the truth started, I doubt even he knew. But we both knew one thing for sure - Jeff was a massive liar and he'd lied to me from very beginning - even lying about trivial & meaningless things! Jeff had given this woman he'd never met his business phone, his cell number and a variety of ways to contact him in only 5 weeks of knowing her. He refused to do these things for me and in fact, did everything to keep me out of his life. Yet when I tried to discontinue with him with this realization that he wasn't INTO ME -- he would come back and BOMB me with how much I meant to him and “please don't stop talking to me.“ I told her to go be with him, that hopefully she could make him happy - but Jeff shot himself in the foot. When our sex/love addict friend found out us girls had talked, he spent several days frantically trying to call and smooth it out. He told lie upon lie upon lie. None of them congruent to two women who were now speaking openly to each other. Jeff told the woman in California to lay low, he was doing some religious counseling and once his wife had calmed down - he'd go be with her because he "loved her and only her & they were soulmates." He also told her: "I told you not to speak to [me] - that she would ruin our happiness." When Jeff realized couldn't lie anymore, he then IM'd me threatening to tell my ex-husband we'd had a physical affair and assured me he was a good liar (I kept a copy of this IM in case I ever needed to protect myself). Jeff told me he'd use his money & influence to have my kids taken away from me as well. Jeff eventually lied blatantly to the other woman - denying certain things had ever been discussed when she knew they had! The woman in California and I made a decision to turn all our information over to his wife and family in hopes that they would intervene. This of course, fueled his anger. I realize I don't really know this “love of my life” after all. Jeff once told me and a younger friend of mine (that I learned he also tried to get sexual with - a girl young enough to be his daughter), that he “possessed psychic powers and can touch women with my mind.” When called on these things he said he was only joking. He told me we had a "spiritual connection" and had been "more intimate online than we ever could be in person." Bizarre. I now see that he was throwing 'word salad' at me in order to confuse and control me even more. Then I got an email from a computer savvy friend and they showed me some websites (i.e. - theeroticreview.com, escort-finder.com, utopiaguide.com, jaginfo.net ) where Jeff had been posting reviews of at least 12 call girls he has seen at well-known, expensive brothels. It simply confirmed that ongoing feeling in my gut that there was a heck of a lot more going on. Some of these hookers he saw prior to me and some during. In one of our first conversations when he moaned about his wife I asked him if he'd ever been to a hooker. His reply? "Oh NO!!! I would never do THAT!! My wife and I have money and a good lifestyle and if she found out she would take the kids from me. Besides, it’s immoral." (can you hear me laughing?) It seems Jeff was registered at every "sex partners wanted for discreet relationship" site on the net (like: eroticy.com, redpersonals.com) looking for "anyone for anything." He makes no effort to hide that he is married, has kids or even exactly where he lives! This freaked me out because his wife works at home. I tried it, typing his nickname "gridney" (which he used on these sites AND online with me) and in 3 clicks I had his real name, his address and his phone number. Apparently he had no regard for the safety of his own family in pursuit of sex. Jeff has had executive jobs with children-related firms and currently works for a family magazine and travels extensively. He once told me he enjoys working in industries that focus around children. This worries me. I worry about the progression of sex addiction and if it may extend to children. One summer he sent me pictures of his then 11 year old daughter in provocative poses in her bedroom saying he and she were just having fun. Disturbing. Sex addiction is progressive and dangerous and I don’t know how far his has gone. He once sent me a photo from Halloween where he dressed as Spiderman, his penis visible through the costume in public. The woman in California sent me a homemade porn video he made of himself and a hard core pornographic e-card he sent her. She also tried to turn these over to the FBI—thinking, like me, that the police might want to stop a man like this. They don’t. Or won’t. Or can’t. I finally called the NYPD Computer Crimes division. They took everything from me and thanked me profusely. One of his online escort booking agencies was busted and his favorite madam was arrested in a very public trial that was all over the news and a couple more places he frequented were closed. My local Dept of Investigation is involved, as well as the CPS and State Attorney General. But what galls me is, these agencies seem to have done ZERO about him or the other men who buy these escorts. His ISP, source codes and credit cards were traced to 100s of porn sites, webcam sites, voyeur sites and hardcore chat sites. Now we know where he was getting all those rude and crude ideas from. However, I do not know if he was charged or even put on probation or is in counseling for this. Seems he just resumed his old life. He's even back online - as "gridney2." And something else was found on his computer. An ebook on how to make a woman sexually addicted to you. From one of those seduce women now sites! I always thought they were a joke but then I remembered a couple conversations Jeff and I had had about NLP (neurolinguistic programming) and how he used it in his marketing/advertising career. I knew what it was but now the horror set in. I had been brainwashed. Purposely confused and controlled like a puppet. My therapist and I went over a number of things and reality set in. He'd looked me up only because he was unemployed & broke and needed a net freebie. He profiled me as vulnerable and then literally set me up to be merely his online sex toy. Of course he had no further use for me once my ex-husband found out and kept being rude & degrading to me so I would end it and he could play victim again. And ..... he then used my friends as his personal sex dating service - using my good words about him as his calling card. No wonder I felt like I was in a trance! No wonder my brain felt like it had a warm, wet blanket on it!! I was mortified. I had a physical collapse from the trauma as well and spent time in the hospital. Jeff is a psychological sadist. I couldn't understand what I had done to make him treat me this way. My therapist explained that he had mentally molested and emotionally raped me. I knew she was right. His wife has been told everything but has probably been so abused and lied to by him she doesn't know what to believe. Because I haven’t kept his secrets, Jeff and his wife tried to charge me with harassment! They tried a pre-emptive strike by going to the police and having a detective call me and hassle me a number of times - and accuse me of stalking him & his family. This was physically impossible!! By sending copies of everything I had on the guy to the detective they involved & his Sargeant, Jeff and his wife’s harassment accusations stopped. But, the police never apologized and I was re-traumatized. Jeff had convinced everyone that I masterminded everything and I planted it all. I know now that is typical abuser behavior. Jeff tried to tell people the woman in California had contacted HIM through his website and was harassing him too, when once again - HE initiated that. Jeff is good at what he does, casting his demons onto others and convincing those in his life that HE is the victim. Jeff remains married, living in a very upscale area of Long Island. He and his wife used their money to close ranks around him and to make Jeff look like the total victim in all this. Fortunately, the police have plenty of hard evidence. I saved many of our conversations and IMs with the source codes so I can prove this is false, if need be. While Jeff claimed that I planted the stuff on the escort review boards, he paid with his credit card and the ISP information bares me out. Jeff snooped around. He found me on Womansavers and I knew he was reading everything I was venting and saying about him. He posted something on his website about how hurtful gossip was to him & his family - even if it was true; implying I was a bad person and a liar for exposing him. Additionally, 5 months after it all he tried to email yet ANOTHER of my friends - probably to start up with her! Because of Womansavers, I was brave enough to tell everyone what had happened, even though I felt like a fool. Jeff's never acknowledged what he did or how he hurt me & other women - he's just trying to erase things, rewrite history and blame me for finding him out. I recieved a lot of unconditional support and probably saved more women and my friends, from falling into his trap. It wasn't about revenge, its about Jeff & his family getting help as well as protecting vulnerable women. Now, I spend my time helping other abused women see that its not their fault and to have the strength not to keep a cheater or abuser's secrets! Believe it or not, I hope Jeff reconnects with me someday - maybe we could have a real friendship without all the nonsense and both reframe & heal ourselves. I don't hate him at all - I believe he has the potential to be a good person - if he would just work on that as hard as he worked on feeding his sex addiction. A friend made a little revenge site for him: http://gridney2.cjb.net
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