sexless marriage update and new questions

[luvstarved]

Hi I started thread "despondent over sexless marriage". My husband and I have since had some good talks and made some progress but I am still trying to figure out how much hope to have so wanted to give new info and ask for any thoughts anyone might have.

 

Quick background: Met ten years ago married after only 6 months. Sex life was fantastic, even though "variety" was generally my idea. He expressed "concern" over hurting baby in late pregnancy and things dwindled (two years into marriage). About a year after baby born, sex life picked up but very boring...missionary, no foreplay at all but no "problems". In counseling for other reasons, I brought up that our sex life could be improved. After that, it disappeared altogether. Daughter slept in our bed almost 6 years, just been out for the last two years. Believed sex would improve when she left bed, but didn't. 2-4 times a year for last 6 or 7 years. We hinted and joked about wanting a sex life back but nothing happened. If I tried to initiate he would find some reason to get angry about something else. Finally about a year ago I insisted it was a REAL problem. He said he wanted a celibate life. Then, found out he was masturbating and looking at porn. Porn only about once every 1-2 months, masturbating about 3 times a week, so not big excess but still instead of real sex. So i brought it up again. He claimed that I had ruined everything when I "complained" in counseling 4 years previous. But he said he wanted to get things back on track but there wasn't time, blah blah.

 

Recently I blew up and said I could not live with this and our relationship would end if something wasn't done. A really good talk followed. I explained that porn did not bother me in moderation and in context of normal sex life. I also explained that it was about intimacy and that I wanted to really fix things in a positive easy way, not trying to give him performance anxiety and in fact even suggested we make a point of NOT having intercourse for a while but just loving and playful touching, etc.

 

He did admit in the conversation that he was content with the way things were, as though he would be fine if we never had sex again but then he changed his tune later in the conversation and said he really did want things to change.

 

Since then (about 2 weeks I think I lose track of time easily)...he has made 7or 8 attempts to have sex, about every other day. Huge difference after 2-4 times a year so that gave me hope...4 were successful. All attempts were in the morning (just as it used tobe, and he does call himself a "morning person") One was very satisfying to both.

Others we just let go, not a problem, we'll get there. The pattern is pretty much the same as it was when I first brought it up in the counseling: no foreplay, he jumps on, no interaction or even looking at each other, like he's struggling to get it done or something. Only now it's successful less often than it used to be.

 

Well...today was a little different. He again woke me up, he was in mid-masturbate. Then he wanted me to do oral. I did and he seemed to be responding but then he pulled out and tried to do intercourse but lost the erection. I said that was fine, but then I said "Do you think it would help if..." and he just said NO without letting me finish what I was saying. And I asked him what he thought I was going to say and he said nothing would have helped and that it wasn't me and he wished I would quit trying to find a fix, that it wasn't a big issue and why was I making it a big issue. I told him that it wasn't about performance but intimacy and the sex was just part of it and we ought to be able to talk about it and there wasn't any harm in trying to think of things to try. And he said that I was making the problem worse by taking it personally and putting him under pressure, etc. And I said well I think we ought to be able to talk about it and he said he did not want to talk about it and I got emotional and a bit teary (not sobbing and histrionic) and then he said oh great now you're crying and blaming yourself and I've told you it's not you. It's not a big deal, he said, quit making it a big deal. Then he left the room.

 

He came back later and I told him I did not get teary because I was blaming myself but that it frustrated me that we could not talk about it and that I was not looking for the big fix but just wanting to be more intimate and all that. He calmed down and agreed with me about wanting the intimacy and being able to talk but he is still very obviously wicked uncomfortable with the whole subject and I don't know whether he is just embarrassed somehow or knows some truth he is trying to avoid or is in denial about. I have told him I am very open minded and understanding but that I cannot work without information.

 

OK fine. I understand that he would personally be ok with just pleasing himself. What I don't understand is whether there is ANY way we can get back on track. Obviously he is trying but not exactly in the way I figured. It seems that he is just focused on getting through it what with the no foreplay and all but I can't figure whether that is because he has performance anxiety or just finds the whole thing a chore. And why did he get so angry? I suggested that perhaps he has become so accustomed to masturbation that he just isn't getting sufficient stimulation and he was like I don't know maybe but he just keeps getting back to the "it's not you so quit blaming yourself" crap and then suggesting I am putting performance pressure on him but I am NOT blaming myself and really don't think I am pressuring him just trying to mutually resolve the damn thing.

 

I figure the problem is either performance anxiety or lack of stimulation vs masturbation and so he prefers masturbation, and is perhaps being selfish and/or lazy to boot. Since he seems to masturbate easily I don't think he has erectile dysfunction but I wonder whether he might somehow believe that he does. But another angle is that he does not seem interested in any sort of touching of me. I am reasonably physically attractive, C cup breasts and slim/medium build, but he seems to want nothing to do with my breasts or touching me down there. And no, he does not look at gay sites, I am positive it isn't that!!! Mostly looks at bj and cum shot sites...and btw he says he hates porn and hates himself for when he looks at it so sometimes I wonder if he just isn't uptight. He SWEARS he is sexually attracted to me. Is it even possible that that is true given all this? I am also certain he is not cheating on me.

 

The thing is, if it is the preferring masturbation thing, is it more likely because of habit in recent years and can be broken or is that never going to change? Is there anything I can try to help break the pattern if indeed it can be broken? BTW I found out that even with his attempts with me he is still merrily pleasing himself nearly as much as ever.

 

Maybe some guys out there have been on his side of it and can offer some insight? I am going nuts. I don't want to put pressure on but my attempts to take things slowly and be more truly intimate seem to be rebuffed. So he just tries real hard to "do it" and nothing else happens.

I am encouraged about having at least SOME success but is this just temporary and forced or are we making any progress?

 

Sorry to go on so long...

[burning 4 revenge]

Hi I started thread "despondent over sexless marriage". My husband and I have since had some good talks and made some progress but I am still trying to figure out how much hope to have so wanted to give new info and ask for any thoughts anyone might have.

 

Quick background: Met ten years ago married after only 6 months. Sex life was fantastic, even though "variety" was generally my idea. He expressed "concern" over hurting baby in late pregnancy and things dwindled (two years into marriage). About a year after baby born, sex life picked up but very boring...missionary, no foreplay at all but no "problems". In counseling for other reasons, I brought up that our sex life could be improved. After that, it disappeared altogether. Daughter slept in our bed almost 6 years, just been out for the last two years. Believed sex would improve when she left bed, but didn't. 2-4 times a year for last 6 or 7 years. We hinted and joked about wanting a sex life back but nothing happened. If I tried to initiate he would find some reason to get angry about something else. Finally about a year ago I insisted it was a REAL problem. He said he wanted a celibate life. Then, found out he was masturbating and looking at porn. Porn only about once every 1-2 months, masturbating about 3 times a week, so not big excess but still instead of real sex. So i brought it up again. He claimed that I had ruined everything when I "complained" in counseling 4 years previous. But he said he wanted to get things back on track but there wasn't time, blah blah.

 

Recently I blew up and said I could not live with this and our relationship would end if something wasn't done. A really good talk followed. I explained that porn did not bother me in moderation and in context of normal sex life. I also explained that it was about intimacy and that I wanted to really fix things in a positive easy way, not trying to give him performance anxiety and in fact even suggested we make a point of NOT having intercourse for a while but just loving and playful touching, etc.

 

He did admit in the conversation that he was content with the way things were, as though he would be fine if we never had sex again but then he changed his tune later in the conversation and said he really did want things to change.

 

Since then (about 2 weeks I think I lose track of time easily)...he has made 7or 8 attempts to have sex, about every other day. Huge difference after 2-4 times a year so that gave me hope...4 were successful. All attempts were in the morning (just as it used tobe, and he does call himself a "morning person") One was very satisfying to both.

Others we just let go, not a problem, we'll get there. The pattern is pretty much the same as it was when I first brought it up in the counseling: no foreplay, he jumps on, no interaction or even looking at each other, like he's struggling to get it done or something. Only now it's successful less often than it used to be.

 

Well...today was a little different. He again woke me up, he was in mid-masturbate. Then he wanted me to do oral. I did and he seemed to be responding but then he pulled out and tried to do intercourse but lost the erection. I said that was fine, but then I said "Do you think it would help if..." and he just said NO without letting me finish what I was saying. And I asked him what he thought I was going to say and he said nothing would have helped and that it wasn't me and he wished I would quit trying to find a fix, that it wasn't a big issue and why was I making it a big issue. I told him that it wasn't about performance but intimacy and the sex was just part of it and we ought to be able to talk about it and there wasn't any harm in trying to think of things to try. And he said that I was making the problem worse by taking it personally and putting him under pressure, etc. And I said well I think we ought to be able to talk about it and he said he did not want to talk about it and I got emotional and a bit teary (not sobbing and histrionic) and then he said oh great now you're crying and blaming yourself and I've told you it's not you. It's not a big deal, he said, quit making it a big deal. Then he left the room.

 

He came back later and I told him I did not get teary because I was blaming myself but that it frustrated me that we could not talk about it and that I was not looking for the big fix but just wanting to be more intimate and all that. He calmed down and agreed with me about wanting the intimacy and being able to talk but he is still very obviously wicked uncomfortable with the whole subject and I don't know whether he is just embarrassed somehow or knows some truth he is trying to avoid or is in denial about. I have told him I am very open minded and understanding but that I cannot work without information.

 

OK fine. I understand that he would personally be ok with just pleasing himself. What I don't understand is whether there is ANY way we can get back on track. Obviously he is trying but not exactly in the way I figured. It seems that he is just focused on getting through it what with the no foreplay and all but I can't figure whether that is because he has performance anxiety or just finds the whole thing a chore. And why did he get so angry? I suggested that perhaps he has become so accustomed to masturbation that he just isn't getting sufficient stimulation and he was like I don't know maybe but he just keeps getting back to the "it's not you so quit blaming yourself" crap and then suggesting I am putting performance pressure on him but I am NOT blaming myself and really don't think I am pressuring him just trying to mutually resolve the damn thing.

 

I figure the problem is either performance anxiety or lack of stimulation vs masturbation and so he prefers masturbation, and is perhaps being selfish and/or lazy to boot. Since he seems to masturbate easily I don't think he has erectile dysfunction but I wonder whether he might somehow believe that he does. But another angle is that he does not seem interested in any sort of touching of me. I am reasonably physically attractive, C cup breasts and slim/medium build, but he seems to want nothing to do with my breasts or touching me down there. And no, he does not look at gay sites, I am positive it isn't that!!! Mostly looks at bj and cum shot sites...and btw he says he hates porn and hates himself for when he looks at it so sometimes I wonder if he just isn't uptight. He SWEARS he is sexually attracted to me. Is it even possible that that is true given all this? I am also certain he is not cheating on me.

 

The thing is, if it is the preferring masturbation thing, is it more likely because of habit in recent years and can be broken or is that never going to change? Is there anything I can try to help break the pattern if indeed it can be broken? BTW I found out that even with his attempts with me he is still merrily pleasing himself nearly as much as ever.

 

Maybe some guys out there have been on his side of it and can offer some insight? I am going nuts. I don't want to put pressure on but my attempts to take things slowly and be more truly intimate seem to be rebuffed. So he just tries real hard to "do it" and nothing else happens.

I am encouraged about having at least SOME success but is this just temporary and forced or are we making any progress?

 

Sorry to go on so long...

 

My first question is your husband's age.

 

Many men develop ED as time goes by and your husband seems like a classic case. Yes, the masturbation definitely reduces sensitivity, but you want to know why he masturbates and my theory is ED. It's like the chicken and the egg question.

 

To put it in contex let me say that I have ED. I have no problem getting off through masturbation ,but it is extremely difficult to get off through intercourse. The testicular pressure to shoot a load is still there, so I masturbate. Even if I had a full-time partner I would probably still masturbate, because it takes so long to get off during intercourse and I smoke and i'm out os shape and so jacking off is just easier.

 

Now, your husband's problem may not be as bad as mine I don't know, but before you drop another penny on a therapist get him to the urologist ASAP! There are many great diagnostic tests to assess his physical ability for erectile function and they can tell him in quantative values the exact functional capacity of his penis. t is something you both deserve to know as it's effecting your relationship profoundly.

 

Don't lose hope. Cialis and Levitra are excellent remedies. Viagra is still good too, but not as good in my experience. It gives me headaches and acid trails and you have to plan around it more.

 

One word to remember. Penis Doppler. It is the gold standard in assessing erectile function. Go to the urologist, have them do bloodwork and drop that word. That test can even tell you if the problem is arterial, venogenic, or both. In my case it's venogenic, but in most men it is arterial.

 

Hope that helps.

[JamesM]

Wow, I don't have alot of insight, but I wanted to say that I feel for you. SInce I am on the other side...wife doesn't "love" sex, I understand.

 

My first "gut instinct" says he is lying or not telling the full truth. Why or what he is hiding, I do not know. If it is connected to the porn, I would say that porn requires no work. You look at it, you get excited, you climax. Sex with a person requires work and a "command performance." Good sex means that you satisfy your partner. The lack of foreplay makes me think he doesn't like to work, or feels insecure in his performance. If you have shared that sex is boring, or any other criticism that indicates dissatisfaction, this can be taken as "You are lousy in bed." When you revealed this fact to the therapist, he may feel that he now needs to measure up to a standard whether than just have fun and orgasm. The women in porn always "tell" him that he is incredible. And yes, they really do.

 

Does he watch porn anywhere besides at home? Has he ever gone to an adult theater? He could be having interactive sex there. And yes, guys do get each other off, and still say that they are not gay. They watch hetero porn, but interact with each other. This may be a longshot...just looking at every angle.

 

Why does he like looking at bjs and cumshots? To me this is like watching guys having sex. Of course, I only like watching woman/woman...I guess that makes me different.

 

Hang in there. Someone here will have an answer. It has worked for me.

[Hard2Think]

Has he tried Viagra or Cialis? It sounds like he has the classic performance anxiety symptoms. He's under pressure to perform - and if he doesn't he maybe thinks he needs to answer to you about a "problem" you're both having.

 

My wife gets very angry when I can't get it up .. and it got to where I was worried about it - and so because I was worried about it, I'd go limp. So I took some Viagra. It did the trick. I didn't even have to worry anymore. It got my confidence back and I didn't need to use it anymore after a few times.

 

 

 

Hi I started thread "despondent over sexless marriage". My husband and I have since had some good talks and made some progress but I am still trying to figure out how much hope to have so wanted to give new info and ask for any thoughts anyone might have.

 

Quick background: Met ten years ago married after only 6 months. Sex life was fantastic, even though "variety" was generally my idea. He expressed "concern" over hurting baby in late pregnancy and things dwindled (two years into marriage). About a year after baby born, sex life picked up but very boring...missionary, no foreplay at all but no "problems". In counseling for other reasons, I brought up that our sex life could be improved. After that, it disappeared altogether. Daughter slept in our bed almost 6 years, just been out for the last two years. Believed sex would improve when she left bed, but didn't. 2-4 times a year for last 6 or 7 years. We hinted and joked about wanting a sex life back but nothing happened. If I tried to initiate he would find some reason to get angry about something else. Finally about a year ago I insisted it was a REAL problem. He said he wanted a celibate life. Then, found out he was masturbating and looking at porn. Porn only about once every 1-2 months, masturbating about 3 times a week, so not big excess but still instead of real sex. So i brought it up again. He claimed that I had ruined everything when I "complained" in counseling 4 years previous. But he said he wanted to get things back on track but there wasn't time, blah blah.

 

Recently I blew up and said I could not live with this and our relationship would end if something wasn't done. A really good talk followed. I explained that porn did not bother me in moderation and in context of normal sex life. I also explained that it was about intimacy and that I wanted to really fix things in a positive easy way, not trying to give him performance anxiety and in fact even suggested we make a point of NOT having intercourse for a while but just loving and playful touching, etc.

 

He did admit in the conversation that he was content with the way things were, as though he would be fine if we never had sex again but then he changed his tune later in the conversation and said he really did want things to change.

 

Since then (about 2 weeks I think I lose track of time easily)...he has made 7or 8 attempts to have sex, about every other day. Huge difference after 2-4 times a year so that gave me hope...4 were successful. All attempts were in the morning (just as it used tobe, and he does call himself a "morning person") One was very satisfying to both.

Others we just let go, not a problem, we'll get there. The pattern is pretty much the same as it was when I first brought it up in the counseling: no foreplay, he jumps on, no interaction or even looking at each other, like he's struggling to get it done or something. Only now it's successful less often than it used to be.

 

Well...today was a little different. He again woke me up, he was in mid-masturbate. Then he wanted me to do oral. I did and he seemed to be responding but then he pulled out and tried to do intercourse but lost the erection. I said that was fine, but then I said "Do you think it would help if..." and he just said NO without letting me finish what I was saying. And I asked him what he thought I was going to say and he said nothing would have helped and that it wasn't me and he wished I would quit trying to find a fix, that it wasn't a big issue and why was I making it a big issue. I told him that it wasn't about performance but intimacy and the sex was just part of it and we ought to be able to talk about it and there wasn't any harm in trying to think of things to try. And he said that I was making the problem worse by taking it personally and putting him under pressure, etc. And I said well I think we ought to be able to talk about it and he said he did not want to talk about it and I got emotional and a bit teary (not sobbing and histrionic) and then he said oh great now you're crying and blaming yourself and I've told you it's not you. It's not a big deal, he said, quit making it a big deal. Then he left the room.

 

He came back later and I told him I did not get teary because I was blaming myself but that it frustrated me that we could not talk about it and that I was not looking for the big fix but just wanting to be more intimate and all that. He calmed down and agreed with me about wanting the intimacy and being able to talk but he is still very obviously wicked uncomfortable with the whole subject and I don't know whether he is just embarrassed somehow or knows some truth he is trying to avoid or is in denial about. I have told him I am very open minded and understanding but that I cannot work without information.

 

OK fine. I understand that he would personally be ok with just pleasing himself. What I don't understand is whether there is ANY way we can get back on track. Obviously he is trying but not exactly in the way I figured. It seems that he is just focused on getting through it what with the no foreplay and all but I can't figure whether that is because he has performance anxiety or just finds the whole thing a chore. And why did he get so angry? I suggested that perhaps he has become so accustomed to masturbation that he just isn't getting sufficient stimulation and he was like I don't know maybe but he just keeps getting back to the "it's not you so quit blaming yourself" crap and then suggesting I am putting performance pressure on him but I am NOT blaming myself and really don't think I am pressuring him just trying to mutually resolve the damn thing.

 

I figure the problem is either performance anxiety or lack of stimulation vs masturbation and so he prefers masturbation, and is perhaps being selfish and/or lazy to boot. Since he seems to masturbate easily I don't think he has erectile dysfunction but I wonder whether he might somehow believe that he does. But another angle is that he does not seem interested in any sort of touching of me. I am reasonably physically attractive, C cup breasts and slim/medium build, but he seems to want nothing to do with my breasts or touching me down there. And no, he does not look at gay sites, I am positive it isn't that!!! Mostly looks at bj and cum shot sites...and btw he says he hates porn and hates himself for when he looks at it so sometimes I wonder if he just isn't uptight. He SWEARS he is sexually attracted to me. Is it even possible that that is true given all this? I am also certain he is not cheating on me.

 

The thing is, if it is the preferring masturbation thing, is it more likely because of habit in recent years and can be broken or is that never going to change? Is there anything I can try to help break the pattern if indeed it can be broken? BTW I found out that even with his attempts with me he is still merrily pleasing himself nearly as much as ever.

 

Maybe some guys out there have been on his side of it and can offer some insight? I am going nuts. I don't want to put pressure on but my attempts to take things slowly and be more truly intimate seem to be rebuffed. So he just tries real hard to "do it" and nothing else happens.

I am encouraged about having at least SOME success but is this just temporary and forced or are we making any progress?

 

Sorry to go on so long...

[luvstarved]

Thanks so much for your replies! I know it was an investment reading my long post!

 

To answer some questions: my husband is 47. I did not know that ED could be exclusive of masturbation so that is helpful to know.

 

Some other info about him is that he is very spiritual and definitely feels guilt about the porn. I know the frequency is low and also that he has not gone beyond this occasional looking. There isn't anything outside of that except the yearly SI swimsuit issue! He has, however, lied about it and said he won't do it again, har de har har, so that has been a little worrisome. It's not a big deal to me, except where it impacts our intimacy, but he says it bothers HIM.

 

Also, he is on the 1-10 looks scale about a 9.5 for his age where I am about a 6.5 (he says he would score me higher and I don't give myself enough credit, but I stand by that). He is very into the gym, plays sports and all that, built, and a tad homophobic, which I usually think indicates some repression but I don't think it is a big factor in this whole equation. I only bring this stuff up as a "for what it's worth". Maybe nothing. But there aren't any obvious contributing health factors for ED, he's hale and hearty.

 

Another fact is that he was/is a spoiled child (Mom still dotes on him fiercely at 47!) and has pretty much always done just what he wants to do. He will work hard at something he wants and can be prodded but definitely resists housework and taking care of things around the house, usually has me solve domestic problems, etc. So he tends toward the selfish...I took the nature of the web sites he was into as a reflection of that ("it's all about the penis")...and I would say that he has tended toward the selfish in bed as well...

 

I am actually a little relieved by the notion that the problem could be ED because it sounds so fixable. However, at this stage of the game, given his sort of macho self-image, I am a bit reluctant to use that term with him. It also brings me to this question: would a guy with ED who masturbates be really content with that? He seems like he is happy to do that. Or should I really take it as he is so embarrassed/pressured that he is willing to settle for it rather than face facts? Also,would he do it that frequently? (2-3 times a week that he admits to, so maybe even more).

 

Last, and this probably sounds stupid...I worry that Viagra or some other medical solution would put me at increased risk of him cheating. I am worried that if this worked for him, it might work "too well" and if he were in full working order, would it give him the confidence/desire to go elsewhere, given that, no matter what, he's already had me for 10 years (or at least I've been available!!!) He's sworn he never would but...

 

Thanks so much. I do have a little more hope and I truly appreciate the responses, they are really helping me to sort things out...I suppose I will have to say "ED" to him at some point, given everything, do you think I should try to give him a little more space to try to relax, or just come out with it now???

[burning 4 revenge]

If he's 47, the chances that it's ED are very high. And it has nothing to do with being macho. Few 19 year old raging queen homosexuals would have ED and yet many very masculine super hetero guys in their forties would have it. I've beat myself up over it ,because I had an SO who associated virility with masculinity and ED with being a pussy and it's just such a stupid and ignorant point of view. I'll admit that by it's very nature it isn't sexy, but he's no less of a man and he's lucky to encounter it now when there is so much more science can do about it.

 

As far as bringing it up, of course, the sooner the better, but be tactful. It's in his interest more than it's in your interest for him to face it. Afterall, you can always find another SO, but he can't grow another d*ck.

 

And as far as masturbation goes. I masturbate 4-5 times per week and I have been clearly diagnosed with ED. It's not a psychological diagnosis anymore, they have objective means of testing this. Remember the Penis Doppler. What it does is it measures the penis' capacity to bring blood in and it's capacity to keep it trapped, thus resulting in erection. Any good urologist worth his salt will be able ot refer you to a clinic covered by your insurance that performs this test.

 

Hope this helps and best regards,

Mark

[Becoming]

It sounds to me like he's so addicted to porn that he can't have a real relationship, which is less than wonderful and, as others have said, requires response to an other with her own wants and needs.

 

You sound like you're willing to do anything and everything for this relationship, but he doesn't seem to be working much.

 

I think his guilt is more about his own selfishness than anything else. He needs help. There are Christian conferences like Every Man's Battle that works on porn addiction, not from a moralistic point of view (I don't think) but from a what-love-and intimacy is designed to be point of view.

 

Good luck with this. It's a terrible issue.

[hj1969]

I am new to this - but have been looking for somewher fro help.

My husband(married for 5 years with 6 year old son) has only instigated love making 2 in the last 12 months and I am very frustrated with this situation. We have talk about it but he just says he has a lot on his mind and that he loves me a great deal but is just not in the mood for sex. If I try he says he is too tiered and goes off to sleep. I know that he has noone else. I have suggested counselling but that is rejected out of hand - I jsut dont know where to go from here.

 

 

My first question is your husband's age.

 

Many men develop ED as time goes by and your husband seems like a classic case. Yes, the masturbation definitely reduces sensitivity, but you want to know why he masturbates and my theory is ED. It's like the chicken and the egg question.

 

To put it in contex let me say that I have ED. I have no problem getting off through masturbation ,but it is extremely difficult to get off through intercourse. The testicular pressure to shoot a load is still there, so I masturbate. Even if I had a full-time partner I would probably still masturbate, because it takes so long to get off during intercourse and I smoke and i'm out os shape and so jacking off is just easier.

 

Now, your husband's problem may not be as bad as mine I don't know, but before you drop another penny on a therapist get him to the urologist ASAP! There are many great diagnostic tests to assess his physical ability for erectile function and they can tell him in quantative values the exact functional capacity of his penis. t is something you both deserve to know as it's effecting your relationship profoundly.

 

Don't lose hope. Cialis and Levitra are excellent remedies. Viagra is still good too, but not as good in my experience. It gives me headaches and acid trails and you have to plan around it more.

 

One word to remember. Penis Doppler. It is the gold standard in assessing erectile function. Go to the urologist, have them do bloodwork and drop that word. That test can even tell you if the problem is arterial, venogenic, or both. In my case it's venogenic, but in most men it is arterial.

 

Hope that helps.

[luvstarved]

Yeah I suppose it is possible but I have a keylogger on my computer and he really does not look at the porn all that often. It is usually like two days in a row for 15-40 minutes and then not for another month or up to 3 months. I guess you could argue that he loads up his mind with it and is okay for a while but at that frequency it really doesn't seem like the crux of the problem. He does say that he starts to get an "urge" to look at it and himself worries that because he ends up following through that there is an addiction element but it never went beyond looking before I confronted him about it...that is, he hasn't subscribed or gone on chat forums or anything else. I know where he is 24/7 so he hasn't been doing anything "external"...AND the porn watching only started a couple of years ago, he was never into it before...

 

What I most genuinely tend to believe although I am trying to look at all of the evidence is that he has always had a "simple, easy" type of sexual need and two things happened to make it difficult for us 1) I admitted in counseling that I thought things could be spicier (in response to being asked about our sex life, I did not bring it up independently) 2) circumstances did make it harder to even do anything for some time (daughter in bed, busy with 3 young children, etc)

 

I think that as a result of those two things, he got accustomed to masturbating instead and now is having a hard time (no pun intended) getting back into the swing of sex with me. I mean there are lots of other little elements at play, but I think that is the bottom line. And being older doesn't make it impossible but does exacerbate things, ie there might be a bit of ED in there as well.

 

But I cannot say he is not trying. Initiating sex at LEAST every other morning after nothing for so long is trying in my book. And I am happy to report another success this morning. I am not oversexed at all, twice a week would be okay by me. I do feel optimistic at this point but only time can really answer some questions. I know that eventually I will get tired of his "hurry up and get to the point" approach to it all but for now I am willing to just try to take things slowly and not put any additional "performance demands" on him. Hopefully as he regains confidence and gets more into copilot sex vs flying solo, we will have gotten some true intimacy back and will be able to branch out again.

 

Obviously this is really big on my mind right now and I do need to talk about it and get as much feedback as I can. I am so thankful I found this board! The feedback is incredibly helpful!

[luvstarved]

Hmmm it has just dawned on me that I seem to consistently get "ED" type responses from men and "it's the porn" type responses from women.

 

Interesting...

[justagirliegirl]

I don't think the porn or masturbating is the problem either. He seems to do both those minimaly.

 

The urologist sounds like a great idea if you can get him to go without hurting his feelings.

 

Another thing might be trying making out and foreplay and not worry about having intercourse. Just get lost in fooling around and having fun. If he loses his erection no big deal just kiss and rub each other.

[luvstarved]

Ah a woman who does not think it is the porn! There goes my theory!

 

I did suggest the fooling around and relaxing with no goal in mind type of activity. For whatever reason, while he seems open to it intellectually, I get the distinct feeling that he just isn't into doing that. Not OPPOSED to it, but not really interested on his own either. We haven't been able to find a chance to try that yet, but I do intend to if we ever get more than 10 minutes alone...I do think it is a great idea and thank you for reminding me about it.

 

In our early, great sex days, I was usually the one to initiate more "adventurous" activities. Sometimes he would be a little reticent but always seemed to enjoy them and still reminisces fondly about some of them. I am willing to be the initiator but at this point am still working with some of my own rejection/humiliation issues so don't want to push too hard right now...

[JamesM]

These questions may not be relevant, but this is your second marriage...what number for him? Does he have children? Has there been any loss in your families lately? If he has been married, does he see his ex? Do you see yours?

 

Was there any major emotional upheavals between you during your marriage? You mentioned his mother being too close...explain further. Has this ever been a problem between the two of you? Are his parents married?

 

You mentioned being with a guy who cheated on his wife. Has your husband ever made any comments about you leaving him because he doesn't have sex with you?

 

I bring up all of these questions because I have learned that people give answers ...based on their own life experiences. This can be good, this can be bad. If we had an ED problem, we will look at the evidence that supports it. If we had a spouse who cheated, we will look at that evidence. And of course, if he is a guy who looks at porn, we assume this is the problem. Yet throughout this, it may be something totally different because we (as your support group) haven't asked for all of or the right information.

 

I am leaning towards performance anxiety...but why?

 

Oh, you say you know where he is every minute of the day. My wife would say that, too, but truthfully I know how I could find time to occasionally do something if I wanted to do so. Also, it could be that he feels greater guilt than you think over the porn hence sex has been spoiled.

 

Just throwing everything out there. Hope an answer is found for you.

[jonesgirly]

My vote is for performance anxiety/ED.

 

Have him go to his urologist to treat or rule out any physical issues regarding Mr. P.

 

If nothing medically is discovered, I'd be looking for a sex therapist. You are both too young (and have endured this far too long) for a sexually unsatisfying life. He seems like he is very worried about his performance, and becomes especially defensive when the subject is brought up. And I can understand - for a man to feel as though his wife thinks he's less than 'studly' in the bedroom is probably very emasculating. Before things get any worse, I'd get started with the Dr. visit. Good luck.

[luvstarved]

These questions may not be relevant, but this is your second marriage...what number for him? Does he have children? Has there been any loss in your families lately? If he has been married, does he see his ex? Do you see yours?

 

His first marriage, we have one daughter together and I have two from previous relationship (not the first marriage). My exH is not in the picture at all haven't seen him in 20 years. My daughters' father is barely in the picture, sees them two or three times a year. Cordial superficial dealings there.

 

Was there any major emotional upheavals between you during your marriage? You mentioned his mother being too close...explain further. Has this ever been a problem between the two of you? Are his parents married?

 

He lived with Mom and Dad until he married me at 38. His mother treats him like he is a god and he was always spoiled and still is by her. It was a bigger problem in the beginning because I am so independent and couldn't believe how much his parents still did for him but now it is just an irritation when a) she oversteps boundaries and b) at times he thinks I am unsupportive because I don't gush over him like she does and don't knee-jerkily agree with everything he says like she does - but that has all improved over time...

 

You mentioned being with a guy who cheated on his wife. Has your husband ever made any comments about you leaving him because he doesn't have sex with you?

 

Gak! I mentioned it. I brought up the issue 5 or 6 times over last 3 or 4 years as a REAL problem, he was somewhat evasive and all over the map with causes, but nothing substantial ever happened. Last time I told him it was so painful that I would leave the marriage just to end the pain. His response was that he hadn't imagined the level of pain and was very sorry, but at the same time he thought it was a stupid thing to break up over and bothered by the lack of commitment on my part that it implied to him.

 

I bring up all of these questions because I have learned that people give answers ...based on their own life experiences. This can be good, this can be bad. If we had an ED problem, we will look at the evidence that supports it. If we had a spouse who cheated, we will look at that evidence. And of course, if he is a guy who looks at porn, we assume this is the problem. Yet throughout this, it may be something totally different because we (as your support group) haven't asked for all of or the right information.

 

I am leaning towards performance anxiety...but why?

 

Oh, you say you know where he is every minute of the day. My wife would say that, too, but truthfully I know how I could find time to occasionally do something if I wanted to do so. Also, it could be that he feels greater guilt than you think over the porn hence sex has been spoiled.

 

Yes he goes to the gym regularly and could go somewhere else instead. However, I am not sure how to put this correctly, but honestly he is not very clever that way and I am...I would figure it out pretty quickly. He is a worry wart and would not be able to keep up the charade, either...I am sure that he has been attracted to other women, just as, as a human being, I have been attracted to other men. He has stated that if a woman came onto him, it would terrify him. I really think that is true, at least at this point. Also, we both had sown plenty of wild oats before we married so are not very naive about the "grass is greener" angle...and yes, it genuinely seems like the porn bothers him more than me. He is actually an addiction counselor so is very sensitive to any hints of that in himself...

 

Just throwing everything out there. Hope an answer is found for you.

 

I TRULY appreciate your input. It is more helpful to me than you can imagine. I know that everyone has their own experience to draw from and can slant towards that, but all the input taken together yields great food for thought and as I read more, it is actually unravelling a lot of what is in my mind...THANK YOU.

[Road Rage]

In My Opinion:

You should aim for sex once a week with your husband and don`t pressure him beyond that.

 

Strike a balance. Obviously something is not quite right. But, the deal ain`t dead either. Belive it or not, some men really don`t have much more libido than that by the age of 47.

[luvstarved]

My vote is for performance anxiety/ED.

 

Have him go to his urologist to treat or rule out any physical issues regarding Mr. P.

 

If nothing medically is discovered, I'd be looking for a sex therapist. You are both too young (and have endured this far too long) for a sexually unsatisfying life. He seems like he is very worried about his performance, and becomes especially defensive when the subject is brought up. And I can understand - for a man to feel as though his wife thinks he's less than 'studly' in the bedroom is probably very emasculating. Before things get any worse, I'd get started with the Dr. visit. Good luck.

 

From all of the input, I am leaning this way too and it feels like quite a relief after worrying that it was me, or he just preferred masturbation and nothing would change it, or the whole host of other horrors that have worried me for these years...I am not certain about it all yet, but some of the clouds are parting...

 

Thing is, if he has been so evasive all this time, it seems to me that he preferred masturbation to admitting the problem. When I said the other day "do you think it would help if..." he cut me off with a loud "NO" before even hearing what I had to say (for the record, I was going to ask if he thought Kegels might help) so I wonder if he thought I was going to bring up a doctor. Whatever, he wasn't looking for any input.

 

Honestly, our success rate is increasing so perhaps he is getting "used to" having sex with an actual person again...I'm just not sure...the only thing I know is that it all got to the point that it actually became a dealbreaker in an otherwise pretty sturdy marriage. If things slide again, I will have to bring up a doctor, because I have at least determined that I cannot continue in a sexless marriage...but I am very concerned that he will refuse and cast blame somewhere else rather than take this path...

[luvstarved]

In My Opinion:

You should aim for sex once a week with your husband and don`t pressure him beyond that.

 

Strike a balance. Obviously something is not quite right. But, the deal ain`t dead either. Belive it or not, some men really don`t have much more libido than that by the age of 47.

 

LOL well he seems to have had plenty of affection for his hand! I have not asked him for anything since the big talk but he is trying very often...I am not sure whether that is his desire or his desire to not lose me and trying to prevent that more than anything...but I'm working on figuring it all out. I said twicea week before, but I think I could easily live with once a week sex of good quality...

[Road Rage]

I agree his hands should be on you rather than his tallywacker. No doubt that is a problem and it does seem if he were to really be giving it his all that part would have to stop.

 

But he likely knows exactly what is going on with him. He is just not ready to talk about it. And probably no amount of pressure will make him open up.

[Ladyjane14]

Has his doctor ruled out Erectile Dysfunction?

 

One of the problems with frequent masturbation and porn use is that it can become desensitizing for a man. But on the flip side of the coin, a man who's already suffering with ED will often look for ways to increase sexual stimulation.

 

ED isn't synonymous with Impotence. A guy with ED might avoid sexual contact with his spouse simply because he's anxious about losing his erection during intercourse. In the case of masturbation, he's in complete control of the stimulus, AND there's no one around to be embarrassed in front of.

 

It could be that there are psychological factors at work. But... you might want to rule out physiological causes first.

 

This is my post to you on your last thread from Aug. 26th. From your first post, my thought was ED. Regardless of how difficult the discussion is... this needs to be ruled out.

 

A man is VERY keyed into the health of his penis. That's like where he LIVES.

So of course, his psychological response to you is going to be directly related to his ability to function.

 

The performance anxiety can and will become present for any guy who's had consistant failure to please his partner. You'll see this in guy's who are suffering with premature ejaculation as well. The good news though, is that once the problem is solved... the anxiety dissipates.

 

I agree with the others who said... "get this guy to a urologist". But I'll go a bit further and recommend that he see his internist as well. Sometimes, ED is symptomatic of other health issues like Hypertension or Diabetes. Guys drop dead of sh*t like that, so at that point.... it's not just a relationship issue anymore.

[luvstarved]

Yes ladyjane I remember your original response and you are a woman, too so I am really full of s**t with my ED vs porn theory!

 

I never discounted it, but at first I admit I was kind of leaning away from it for a few reasons I think... first, it seemed too simple and part of me just couldn't believe that he would have gone to the lengths that he has to avoid sex with me over a simple physiological problem...also, our sex life before was a bit too "straightforward" for me and it led me to believe that he just preferred the relative ease of masturbation - like, in the grand scheme of things, I thought maybe sexual release was just a need for him and not much of a want, and I still wonder about that...

 

Most of all, though, I did not think that ED and frequent masturbation made sense together. Guys are now telling me different. I did allow that masturbation yielded more precisely effective stimulation and maybe that was it, and maybe that is still true and equates to ED but I didn't think of it that way...but as more of a separate performance anxiety deal. But, hey, dysfunction is dysfunction, right???

 

Thanks for reminding me. I am still not sure how or when it would be right to bring it up with him, haven't mustered the courage yet, especially after successes, when I am afraid he will be like, Jesus, what's good enough???

 

Thx again

[luvstarved]

 

But he likely knows exactly what is going on with him. He is just not ready to talk about it. And probably no amount of pressure will make him open up.

 

 

Do you really think he knows exactly what is going on and refuses to clue me in??? That thought bothers me a LOT! He seems conflicted and confused enough, but I don't know...

[Ladyjane14]

I am still not sure how or when it would be right to bring it up with him, haven't mustered the courage yet, especially after successes, when I am afraid he will be like, Jesus, what's good enough???

 

You can always present it as a health issue. At 47, your husband should be following up with his doctor regularly anyway. Annual visits are fine if he doesn't have any health issues.... but semi-annual and even quarterly visits are recommended if he does.

 

If there is ED present and the cause is unknown... that's could be a symptom of another problem. He's reaching the age where prostate health is an issue as well. If he's symptomatic, he needs to be getting an annual PSA with his bloodwork.

 

You know, recently I talke to a guy who'd had a fairly severe case of prostatitis, (fortunately there was no cancer). And his urologist had recommended that he ejaculate daily in order to reduce the pressure. Of course... he couldn't because his prostate was just THAT enlarged, but it goes to show you that there are sometimes simple treatments that can alleviate some of the problems.

 

Even a slight to moderate enlargement of the prostate can interfere with ejaculation and urine flow. At 47, he's of an age where the health of his weenie can be fairly indicative of his overall health.

[Road Rage]

Those who are saying it may be ED and a physiological problem may be right. But it seems to me it can also be what is going on at the emotional level. Mid life crisis? Attraction to another woman? Homosexual tendencies starting to come to the surface? A lack of attraction to you? The list goes on.

 

Very important to keep an open mind here and not get set on thinking you have figured it out until the problem has clearly revealed itself.

[luvstarved]

Oh I have not come to any conclusions at all yet about this, just trying to refine my thinking and focus on more likely scenarios. Which is why I am hanging in here and looking for feedback on this beautiful late summer day! In a way I feel like I can't get on with life until I have some clear thinking on what is going on here.

 

In truth, I tend to believe that there are pieces to a puzzle here, not one big monolithic problem, but I do think that some pieces are bigger than others and I am trying to identify those.

 

I really do want to get him to a doctor but the timing has to be right. We had a very successful "session" this morning so to bring it up today would almost HAVE to have him thinking "She's STILL not satisfied? WTF????" He does have annual physicals etc and is in pretty excellent physical shape, although it has occurred to me that he has Hep C, very mild and asymptomatic - or IS IT???? He's been right on top of it, annual biopsy and all, and went through interferon treatment a couple of years ago. That did a number on him at the time but it is such a non-factor in our daily lives that I did not even think of it until now...