If Your Allready Out Of The House

[fuzzy71]

Ok..lets start here i have seen this on diffrent threads but somone said if your out of the house you have no chance in saving your marriage i ask why is this true? also there is a tpo that keeps me and my daughter away from my wife and son now the day after the tpo came into affect she moved in a co worker now im no expert but i dont see this relationship working for to long after she jumped out of our marriage of 20 years i have done the NC rule now this is something that has happend in the past as well cheating lieing saying she is numb inside that she doesnt feel she is in love with me that she wants to find herself all the same ole stuff all the time yet she allways comes back to me so how do i stop the cycle of that if she comes back this time what are my steps Gunny you seem to be the one that everyone respects on here what are my do's and dont's point me in the right direction give me the list of books that can help me if you will and please advice like i said i love her and i want to be the best man i can be for me and her and my children just looking to stop the cycle if i get the chance

[Ladyjane14]

Ok..lets start here i have seen this on diffrent threads but somone said if your out of the house you have no chance in saving your marriage i ask why is this true? also there is a tpo that keeps me and my daughter away from my wife and son now the day after the tpo came into affect she moved in a co worker now im no expert but i dont see this relationship working for to long after she jumped out of our marriage of 20 years i have done the NC rule now this is something that has happend in the past as well cheating lieing saying she is numb inside that she doesnt feel she is in love with me that she wants to find herself all the same ole stuff all the time yet she allways comes back to me so how do i stop the cycle of that if she comes back this time what are my steps Gunny you seem to be the one that everyone respects on here what are my do's and dont's point me in the right direction give me the list of books that can help me if you will and please advice like i said i love her and i want to be the best man i can be for me and her and my children just looking to stop the cycle if i get the chance

 

Who's house is it that your wife has move an OM into?

 

Because if that's YOUR house too.... get yourself an attorney, start proceedings and get your money out of it.

 

You want to save your marriage? That's a worthy goal. Too bad you can't do it by yourself. It takes two people. Sure, one can get the ball rolling... but eventually the WS (wayward spouse) has to get on board.

 

You don't sit back while another man sleeps in your bed, watches your TV, and gets his beers out of YOUR fridge. Get with your attorney and make her buy you out or sell. DIVORCE her if that's what it takes.... but for God's sake man, introduce some reality into the situation.

 

If I understood your initial post, she's pulled this bullsh*t on you before. She has a protection order on you, but you've stated that there's no cause for it. Have you tried to have it dismissed?

Why should you be walking around with a restraining order against you if you didn't do anything wrong? See an attorney and CLEAR YOUR NAME.

 

Yes... alot of people have reconciled their marriage, even after adultery and other bad behaviors. People are capable of change. But they have to WANT to change. Your wife doesn't have any impetus. She's got the OM right now, and YOU waiting in the wings.

 

If you consider the fact that she's already gone.... you have nothing to lose that isn't ALREADY lost. You're afraid that she won't come back to you, so you haven't taken the actions that would make her believe that YOU might be the one to actually walk away.... like seeing an attorney and getting your assets out of the marriage.

 

So.... see an attorney.

Talk it over with him/her. Get into IC (individual counseling) too. IC will help you feel more emotionally supported and more confident.

 

Hopefully, in time your wife will wake up to the fact that she's about to LOSE YOU. You're a young man still. You can always get your assets out of the marriage, and then move on to greener pastures. How the hell does she know you won't do just that. (????)

[fuzzy71]

i go to court on the tpo on the 27 this month as far as the house its an apt all that was aloud for me to get was my clothes and my daughters in the county i live in they kinda make there own rules and well women have the better shake on things as for the om yes he is living in my house sleeping in my bed and with my wife the ic im doing and it helps but the longing for her is great im not sure im ready to be over her and like i said b4 she also has my son and i cant talk to him as well untill the 27th we have a no contact order on both sides my daughter is with me and i just cant figure out why she wouldnt try and talk to her daughter im at a loss for words really and the thing i really cant grip is why do people cheat whats the allure?

[BamaLady]

I have been where you are.............EXACTLY where you are. Only difference is, I am a woman screwed over by the system and a lousy husband. (22 years with him)

 

Listen to me, you are headed for a crash landing. Don't stand by and let her do this to you. She doesn't deserve your love and affection. She doesn't want it, so why waste you time on such a selfish and uncaring person?

 

As long as you allow her to romp and stomp all over you......she will continue to do so. It's a pattern........

 

Get out while the gettin's good~

[Gunny376]

You can't lose something you've never had, and if someone's never had someone, this is the case. Its time that you poured yourself a stiff drink of reality. She's not going ~ she's gone!

 

What is all the more? She's not only dumped you? She's moved another man into your house, sleeping in your bed, showering in your shower, eating off your plates, and having sex with your wife! I mean I hate to be just that blunt with it ~ but Dude ~ wake up! She's severly disrespecting you and that's a serious deal breaker. And, she's done this before? Where's your self respect?

 

Couple of News Flashes for you.

 

First there's no shortage of women. The planet is covered up with them. There's only about 3.6 billion of them. Any number of which could use what you've got to offer. What one woman will abuse ~ another can certainly use. And, be damn appreciative of you.

 

What is more, is that its entirely possible for one person to be in love with the very person that is the absolute worse person for them mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

 

The amount of time, effort, and energy that you would expend getting this one back ~ if that's possible ~ would net you 10 other women.

 

I see some serious self-esteem issues here on both sides of the fence. Its not healthy for you to be as you are with this woman. This is not a healthy relationship with this woman.

 

To be honest with you? I don't think there is any getting back with this woman. She's got issues ~ and I'd bet you dollars to doughnuts that she was sexually molested or otherwised damaged in her youth. She keeps geting with losers because she doesn't feel she's worthy of a decent guy like you. All the times that she's done this and you've taken her back ~ you've just re-inforced in her mind that she's not deserving and worthy of you. That's why she keeps trading down to her comfort level.

 

The other part of the problem is you! A lot of the reason that you're clinging to this woman ~ is because even with her "issues" you doubt your ability after 20 years of marraige to readily go out and find a suitable replacement. That is nothing more than a skill set that can be acqured with study and practice. And, surprisingly enough ~ relatively cheaply to boot. Goggle "Alpha Male" and "Carlos Xuma" "David DiAngelo" "Double Your Dating" (I can't 'link' you because these are paid sights, and its against LS policy) Also Dr. Ellen Kreidman and "Light Your Fire" "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" (For the ladies).

 

Lady Jane is right ~ you need to "lawyer up" and quit being a doormat for this woman. You're wanting her to be your lover, and she's not even your friend? As husband and wife ~ you should be in bed together ~ yet you're not even flirting.

 

You know ~ medical science can fix a lot of things. If you don't like your nose? You can fix that! If your a woman with large boobs? They can reduce them? If you've got mental health problems there's counseling and medications to recovery. But, there's no fixing stupid.

 

The difference between ignorance and stupid is that with ignorance you just didn't know any better. Stupid kicks in when you know better, but go ahead and do something you know you shouldn't, or not do something you know you should.

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

The plain and simple fact of the matter is ~ your DW has personal issues that drives her decisions and behavior. And until she and she alone decides to address those issues ~ there's no such thing as fixing this! There's nothing you can do. You and you alone have got to hold her feet to the fire. You've got to hold her accountable! You've got to make her accountable! You've got pull her "punk card"

 

In short, you've got to "man-up" and play the hand that's been dealt you. I'm not saying for you to become a *******, a jerk, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying for you to take personal responsiblity for your life, your happiness, your peace of mind and that of your daughter. I'm saying, "Look! You can talk to me and treat me life I'm a SOB, and piece of crap! But, you're not going to mistreat OUR daughter!"

 

You've bought off on this whole "They've got the supply, and we men have the demand" BS! That was all well and good back in HS, and in college, but there are more good women out there looking for just one good man, than there are men out looking for just a one night stand.

 

I've got a lot to offer the right woman. I've read, and I've studied. My "D" was painful enough to send me back to school. I made a lot of good decisions early in life ~ and they're starting to pay in Spades. I'm not where I want to be in Life, but thanks to the Corps, I've learned enough self-discipline and self-control to identify my weaknesses and over-come them.

 

I'm no longer a slave to my lust, as I was in my youth! I can look at any woman and say, "What have you got to offer me?" I know what I've got to offer, and what I'm bringing to the table!

[luvstarved]

Wow. I don't have anything to add to what Gunny said, except You Go, Gunny! He is dead right, what an excellent post. I hope you will find the strength to heed his words...