litfish Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Hi--I just broke up with my boyfriend. And, aside from the feelings of sadness about losing him, which I am feeling more and more at peace with, I can't help sometimes being afraid that I may not ever have the opportunity to fall in love with someone and have a family. I am 28 years old. Most times I have the mindset that everything happens as it is supposed to, and if I am meant to have a family, I will. And, I am mostly happy with my life--I am an independent and well-educated woman. I really prefer to be alone than in bad company. But, I know some women that are very proactive about making sure that they have a husband/family and I wonder if maybe I should I be more proactive? I am concerned that maybe I am being a bit too romantic by "waiting for THE ONE" to the extent that I may miss out altogether. Thoughts? Any other women in this late 20s/early 30s husbandless/childless category?
TattooedPrincess Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Hi--I just broke up with my boyfriend. And, aside from the feelings of sadness about losing him, which I am feeling more and more at peace with, I can't help sometimes being afraid that I may not ever have the opportunity to fall in love with someone and have a family. I am 28 years old. Most times I have the mindset that everything happens as it is supposed to, and if I am meant to have a family, I will. And, I am mostly happy with my life--I am an independent and well-educated woman. I really prefer to be alone than in bad company. But, I know some women that are very proactive about making sure that they have a husband/family and I wonder if maybe I should I be more proactive? I am concerned that maybe I am being a bit too romantic by "waiting for THE ONE" to the extent that I may miss out altogether. Thoughts? Any other women in this late 20s/early 30s husbandless/childless category? I use to have the same feelings but I pretty much at this point grew numb to the idea of ever finding my "S.O" to be with for the rest of my life. Every year my chances grow slim to ever have a husband or child. I have gotten to the point it must met to be like this.
Author litfish Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 Yeah, I would rather not be the "catch me a husband" type, so I guess I'll just wait and see what happens.
insomnie Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Well, I am still in my early 20's, so can't say I'm completely qualified to answer this, but the whole biological clock issue has always frightened me too. The thought that, if I plan to have kids before the age of 35, I basically have to meet their father by 28 or so. (2 years to date, 2 to be engaged, 2 to be married before kids, 1 to be pregnant = 35). Men are lucky not to have such a timeline to think about and work their relationships around. I think you may need to alter your stance on love at some point. I don't think that there is someone out there for everyone...just a lot of people we are compatible with in differing degrees. And love is something you make when your goals and aspirations match up, when you commit to put each other's needs first. Searching for that fairytale romance might leave you alone and disappointed... That said, I don't think you should settle if you clearly do not love who you are with or can't see the two of you working. That's just setting yourself up for disaster. And as far as the proactive approach goes...you can be more proactive about meeting new people without making husband-catching your priority. Join a club, expand your interests, whatever...put yourself out there for new experiences. Not necessarily to snag a husband, but to get a better sense of what you want and to make yourslef a fuller person, just so you have more to offer in terms of interests, knowledge, and experience when someone you do like comes along. And you know, you don't have to be married to have a child. I know I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to be a mother just because I wasn't married and my sell-by date (JK!) was creeping up. Plus, remember that you're still only 28...
Author litfish Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Insomnie, Gosh, I don't know quite what to say...but I somehow feel a bit worse now. Hope that wasn't what you intended...after all, I am 28, which gives me almost exactly six months to not be a lost cause for having kids according to your calendar. And, quite frankly, I would rather not have kids if I don't have the support of a husband and the ability to provide my children with the dignity of knowing that they were conceived in a loving, committed relationship. Perhaps I will just have to adopt if I end up being an evolutionary failure. Of course, what with the frightening progression of global warming during my own lifetime, perhaps it is not such a bad idea to refrain from procreating after all, as it might just end up being in vain anyway. Hmmm...maybe your post has made me more optimistic about the path my life has taken thus far after all.
Noos Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Hi Hon Don't ever get married just to have kids. Remember that you'd still have to spend all that time with a man you don't like (plus sleeping with him) and kids will grow up and leave home eventually. Don't force it. I'd rather be single and childless than married to a guy I can't stand just so I can have a couple of kids. If you really, really have that urge to have kids and it gets too late, you can investigate other ways to become a parent. It's early days yet at 28 though.
Steph21 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I am starting to think more and more that happiness is a mindset and there are a lot of people out there you could be happy with. This might sound pretty un-romantic, but based on my experiences I think I would even prefer a guy I'm not all that in love with. That stuff wears off, it's better to find someone you're comfortable around and can live with for a long time. And lots of passion often equals lots of drama anyway...
insomnie Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Insomnie, Gosh, I don't know quite what to say...but I somehow feel a bit worse now. Hope that wasn't what you intended...after all, I am 28, which gives me almost exactly six months to not be a lost cause for having kids according to your calendar. And, quite frankly, I would rather not have kids if I don't have the support of a husband and the ability to provide my children with the dignity of knowing that they were conceived in a loving, committed relationship. Perhaps I will just have to adopt if I end up being an evolutionary failure. Of course, what with the frightening progression of global warming during my own lifetime, perhaps it is not such a bad idea to refrain from procreating after all, as it might just end up being in vain anyway. Hmmm...maybe your post has made me more optimistic about the path my life has taken thus far after all. I definitely didn't intend for my post to make you feel bad! Sorry! I was only trying to sympathize with you on the biological clock issue. I'm sorry if it came out wrong. You are only 28! There is no reason for you to feel like a "failure". A lot of relationships started younger than your age end in divorce anyway...so look at the bright side. You have many years ahead in which to meet a lifetime companion, and when you do, you'll have better skills with which to create a healthy relationship than you did when you were younger. And don't let societal pressure make you feel like a failure, either. The fact that a lot of people your age are getting married and starting families says nothing about whether or not 10 years down the road they will be happy. SO many people marry for the wrong reasons, or settle for the wrong people. You are being wise in waiting for someone you are compatible with and can love. And there is so much more to life than a husband and kids!
a4a Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 And there is so much more to life than a husband and kids! Amen! :) :)
Walk Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I'm 32, had the hubby but divorced him. I would rather be single and childless than stuck with someone who isn't right for me. I might be sad I don't have children sometimes.. but I wouldnt' have done them any favors by bringing them into a chaotic life. If I have the stability, love, finances and time, then maybe children will come.. but I can't justify bringing a child into this world simply out of my own selfishness. It's not right.
littlekitty Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 It's early days, there's plenty of time, and you never, ever know what's just around the corner. I met my SO at 29. Next year we are getting married. I've held out all my life to meet the right person. I would have never settled for someone less than I wanted just to get married or have children. What good would that be for myself, him or the children? If he hadn't come along, I'd still be searching.. never prepared to settle for less. Getting married and having children is a huge commitment. Having children is a huge thing to do, and even in the best of marriages can cause issues. Imagine if you were less picky and you'd settled for someone... do you think you'd have what it takes to get through those tough moments? Nope, you need love to do that. Never, ever settle for less than you want. It won't bring you any happiness no doubt.
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