Should a wealthy man insist his wife work?

[orangele]

I am 48 years old, and divorced. I have a wonderful career, and income which I had to work very very hard to achieve. I have had two serious relationships since my divorce, and in both cases, both women did not work during the relationship. In the first relationship that I had, the woman had been unemployed for 8 months prior to us meeting, and in my second relationship which is still ongoing, the woman was a store owner, and chose to sell her store, and I have supported her while she pursues additional education which she may or may not apply to a profession.

 

My first relationship was definitely impacted by the fact that she had promised to seek employment, but kept delaying this while she lived with me, and I totally supported her. Although we had an agreement that while she was unemployed, she would be responsible for keeping the house clean (she even had a maid to help once a week), I do not think she upheld this. Eventually, I felt that I had to be more of a father to her than a life partner, and the relationship ended amicably.

 

My current relationship, involves a woman that has indeed supported herself all of her adult life. When our relationship became serious, I offered to support her after she sold her store, and this allowed her to pursue further education. She is actually living in a different location from me, but I totally support her. Why did I do this: because I care for her, and want to allow her to pursue her dreams.

 

I am thinking that perhaps if my currrent relationship results in marriage, I should insist that she continue to work. In my marriage, as well as the subsequent relationship where neither worked, I began to feel like I was the one who had to do all the work in the relationship ( even thought I enjoy my career), it still can involve long hours. For instance, I did not think it fair that I contributed 100% financially, but was asked to help clean the house, feed the pets, clean the dishes, etc. I believe that if a woman desires not to work, then she should be responsible for the large majority of housework. Over time, I did develop some resentment when I would come home late from work, and the house would be a mess, dishes in the sink, and would be asked, "whats for dinner?" I would guess that some women may think me sexist, but honestly, if you were a woman who worked and financially supported a man, would you put up with such a situation. Please note, there were NO CHILDREN, so there was no work for this.

 

My current GF is open to working, so I think perhaps that I should insist on this. If she works, I am totally open to sharing household responsibilities, or hiring someone to take care of them for both of us. I think if a person does not work, they tend to become lazy no matter what their intentions are in the beginning.

[lindya]

I believe that if a woman desires not to work, then she should be responsible for the large majority of housework. Over time, I did develop some resentment when I would come home late from work, and the house would be a mess, dishes in the sink, and would be asked, "whats for dinner?" I would guess that some women may think me sexist, but honestly, if you were a woman who worked and financially supported a man, would you put up with such a situation. Please note, there were NO CHILDREN, so there was no work for this.

 

I think that if one partner is out bringing in the cash and the other is staying at home, then it's absolutely fair that the one at home would have responsibility for keeping the place clean and tidy. Assuming that they're not doing home based work - and even then, they should be cleaning up any mess they're creating throughout their working day.

 

I'm picturing coming home from work to find the place in a shambles and a live-in partner who didn't work slobbing around and asking me "what's for dinner?"

 

My thought would be - "this individual is lazy, selfish and parasitical to a level that I can't be bothered even attempting to help him to address."

 

It's not pleasant to have to constantly having to nag another adult to behave with a modicum of consideration. I don't see anything sexist about asking a partner to pull their weight and stop treating the relationship like a free ride through life.

[Guest]

Well, here is a female perspective.

 

I have very little respect for wives who don't work....UNLESS they are full-time parents.

 

I've worked my whole life and have earned everything I own. I didn't get any handouts. I can't imagine living with a man who refused to work. Or who pursued an expensive education and then didn't work. Why should a man tolerate that in a woman?

 

Call it the middle class work ethic. I have no patience for lazyabouts.

[Guest]

I think that if one partner is out bringing in the cash and the other is staying at home, then it's absolutely fair that the one at home would have responsibility for keeping the place clean and tidy. Assuming that they're not doing home based work.

 

I'm picturing coming home from work to find the place in a shambles and a live-in partner who didn't work slobbing around and asking me "what's for dinner?"

 

My thought would be - "this individual is lazy, selfish and parasitical to a level that I cant be bothered even attempting to help him to address."

 

It's not pleasant to have to constantly having to nag another adult to behave with a modicum of consideration. I don't see anything sexist about asking a partner to pull their weight and stop treating the relationship like a free ride through life.

 

 

 

Very well said!

[superconductor]

I guess the difference between wanting a career and needing a job goes to the heart of the matter.

 

It's pretty clear that the first woman you mention here simply wanted to use your resources as a meal ticket, without giving back in return. Alas, it's sadly common, and seems to stem from the culture of entitlement so prevalent among some people today.

 

As for the second woman, it's never a negative thing to further your education provided of course that one can support themself as they continue their studies. If that means that they need some financial assistance, that's ok, nothing really wrong with it.

 

The danger lies in the potential that you may get taken for a ride.

 

I think this is less likely to happen with your current partner, because if she's commited herself to furthering her education, she'll know that it's not an easy thing to do. Whether she uses this education in her career or not is pretty much immaterial, IMHO, because just taking the step to go back to university or college shows strength of character.

 

Now, at the risk of stirring up the wrath of the feminists on the board, I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to manage the household while you work to keep her in a decent lifestyle. But if she expects you to work all week long and then clean up the dishes while she's been lazing the day away, that's totally unacceptable.

 

One last thing: If you choose to live with her or marry her, GET A PRENUP. If she resists, then that tells you all you need to know about her intentions.

 

Good luck.

[johan]

Your urge to "insist" is an issue for me.

 

Maybe she should work, but it should be by mutual agreement. Not based on a one-sided decision you make for your own satisfaction. To me this indicates that you may not know her well enough at this point to say for sure you respect her and her choices in life. So you're going to make this one for her.

 

Clearly the previous relationship affected you. You seem willing to generalize that to this one. And I'd have to ask whether that's fair. Again, how well do you know this woman?

 

It's not unthinkable that you could live happily with a woman who does not work, if you respect her and her decision. And it's also not unthinkable that you could end up with a woman who works who you still consider a lazy sandbagger. It's all a matter of how she spends her time, how she feels about herself, how much she respects you and your efforts, how much you can afford, etc.

 

Regarding the prenuptial agreement, I consider them repulsive. But regardless of her career choices, she could claim a chunk of what you've spent all this time building for yourself. You have assets to protect, and it's worth discussing.

[Touche]

You don't have to insist that she work. You can simply withdraw support if you're not comfortable with the financial arrangement.

[bab]

You have every right not to want her to stay at home, as long as you make this clear BEFORE you propose. Of course this should be done in a way that won't come across as attacking. I agree with Johan, that the word insist is a bit strong. The woman you've decribed sounds like the kind of woman that has every intention of working for a living.

 

A more general question: If there are no children, why is the expectation that men will still work and women have the choice? I've always thought that odd.

[Kittiecat]

Why the hell couldn't I find a man to support me while I was in school? My parents certainly would have appreciated it.

 

I just don't understand giving a financial commitment to someone who is not wearing the hugely overpriced diamond ring you gave her.

[britchick]

It's not sexist to expect someone to pull their weight, it should go without saying really.

I know you say you want to support your girlfriend in achieving her goals, it's a lovely sentiment but are you perhaps setting a precedent in your relationships that is then difficult to overcome? You seem to be taking on the role of carer rather than partner.

I have gone back to University to further my career but I didn't feel it was fair that my SO take up the financial slack and applied for funding from my employer and also work to ensure I'm still able to pay my fair share.

I know money isn't an issue for you but by supporting someone completely (when you are not even married to or living with them) you are going to alter that relationship. I'm surprised she's comfortable with it.

[HeyYouGuys]

Date women who are career-oriented and ambitious.

 

I think that female surgeons, lawyers, politicians, successful artists and writers would be hard-pressed to give up their careers.

 

 

You need to find people who share your work ethic and ambition.

[blind_otter]

These women are just lazy, IMO. I'm a woman and I've been supported by men in two LTRs, and I made it my job to clean the g-d- house and make sure that we always had groceries, and that I cooked dinner every day. I also kind of ended up acting like a personal assistant to both men, lord knows that seems to be the career that I end up being in no matter where I run.

 

anyways, no, it's not too much to expect. But clearly what you need to do is be forthright and direct about your needs and expectations in the relationship. If you work outside the home, she works inside the home.

 

Sit her down and have a talk with her and give her options. Go back to work or start taking care of the homestead.

[Guest]

I am a woman who one hundred per-cent agrees with you. I don't think it's sexist, I am a high income earner and have noticed a consistent tendency in my partners to let me pay for more than my share, which I usually do willingly, but little by little they start to take advantage. Currently my fiancee, who was wonderful at first, has left the army and I agreed to support him in a career change. We moved to London from Australia so that we could travel and he could have a fresh start. We moved here on June 1, it is now September 12 and he has applied for about five jobs (having heard nothing from any of them) and has basically spent the time playing computer games. I think it is reasonable to expect him to at least clean the house and do some jobs around the place but I am having to do everything or it doesn't get done, including dealing with real estate agents and removalists, cleaning up, filling out condition reports, paying bills, etc. Now his cousin is over to visit, she is only 19, but I am having to support her too! She is a sweetie but I think he should be at least pulling his weight or spending his hard earned cash on buying her drinks, not mine! I have arranged counselling due to our frequent arguments and the level they escalate to - even though he agreed we should go, I ended up organising the session and selecting the counseller. I love him, but he really is incredibly lazy - numerous discussions have gone nowhere even though he agrees I am right. What can I do - short of throwing him out of course which makes me feel even worse as I will have to buy him a ticket home and support him to get him out of here!

 

So I guess it is not just women - proving you're not sexist, I'm sure noone will apply that term to me even though only the genders are reversed!

[Hitman10000]

Dude, the only time I'd ever want a relationship with a non-full time student or a non-worker would be if I was hooking up with someone I'd consider her a f*ckbuddy!

 

FIRST, Don't listen to the women here. Don't get trapped in a situation where the woman just sits at home doing whatever while you're out there working 40-60 hours a week. If you get married to her and she divorces you.. Money-Rape time! You lose up to 60% of your entire live savings to a lazy person.

 

I usually never consider marriage to any woman who has

 

1. Never worked at all under the age of 21

2. Never have her own place or her own car and paying for either/and of those items by the age of 25.

 

These are not strict standards, VERY EASY TO OBTAIN but to the lazy woman who expects the world for her, it's VERY HARD FOR HER. You don't want that considering the economy nowadays. use the woman for companionship/sex but nothing else, Trust me on this.. I've read enough horror stories from divorced men who got money-raped by non-working women. Women qualify US men to obtain those above things, Men should do the same. Cleaning and Cooking? I LOL at all of you. I work 60 hours a week and I have time to spend a couple hours on the weekend to clean. I cook every day as well.

[Sand&Water]

Orangele,

 

Should a wealthy man insist his wife work?

 

Yes. Basically, yes. Insist may not be the best way to go about it, but you should encourage your wife/girlfriend to work.

 

Work provides so much to a relationship, beyond just money. There are numerous benefits and learning experiences to be had with working a comfortable job.

 

I suggest you should set boundaries when it comes to dating, and having relationships with women. In this manner, you are able to have a sense of ease about her personality overall. Women who don't care about working, usually wouldn't care about your hard earned money or you.

[serial muse]

I've read enough horror stories from divorced men who got money-raped by non-working women.

 

does money-raping a man involve sticking a wad of bills up his ass?

 

just wondering.

 

i'm trying to decide whether i think that, or using a rolled-up bill to snort drugs, seems more decadent. but at least i'd probably want to hang onto and spend that rolled-up bill at a later date. so money-raping sounds more wasteful than money-snorting. but that's just one woman's opinion.

[Joelle]

OP, it seems that you would be happy with a wife who is a partner in life, not a wife who has a Princess Syndrome.

[kulyok]

If I walk with an obviously heavy bag next to my boyfriend and he doesn't offer to help me carry it, he is likely not to help me when I am pregnant, either.

 

If a man insists I work in the marriage, he is likely to insist when I am pregnant/with little kids, as well.

 

It is as simple as that: the willingness of the man to provide for his woman means his readiness for providing for his wife and kids. So, it is a huge red flag, I think, when the guy expects a girl to go dutch, or does not show any desire to provide for her, greedy or not.

 

I've been supporting myself all my life, and I intend to. However, marriage means sex, and sex, despite any and all contraception, means the possibility of children. I am going to be totally helpless for four years with each child, because kids need care and attention, not an alien babysitter.

 

So, if my future husband does not say: "Dear, please just remain just the way you are. If you don't want to work, don't - I won't make you. I love you, and I always be willing to provide for you", I will never marry him. Ever.

[HeyYouGuys]

If I walk with an obviously heavy bag next to my boyfriend and he doesn't offer to help me carry it, he is likely not to help me when I am pregnant, either.

 

If a man insists I work in the marriage, he is likely to insist when I am pregnant/with little kids, as well.

 

It is as simple as that: the willingness of the man to provide for his woman means his readiness for providing for his wife and kids. So, it is a huge red flag, I think, when the guy expects a girl to go dutch, or does not show any desire to provide for her, greedy or not.

 

I've been supporting myself all my life, and I intend to. However, marriage means sex, and sex, despite any and all contraception, means the possibility of children. I am going to be totally helpless for four years with each child, because kids need care and attention, not an alien babysitter.

 

So, if my future husband does not say: "Dear, please just remain just the way you are. If you don't want to work, don't - I won't make you. I love you, and I always be willing to provide for you", I will never marry him. Ever.

 

 

What if he were willing to stay home with the kids?????

[kulyok]

If he wants to stay _with me and with the kids_, sure enough, if his job allows it - if he is a writer, for example. Or if we have enough savings. I am all for it. I sure enough want my kids to be loved, and not lonely.

 

However, three question marks after your phrase make me wonder what you mean. You are not implying a man should insist his wife work right after the birth, while she is still weak and sick, and leave the babies, who need her, her care and attention, I hope?

[HeyYouGuys]

If he wants to stay _with me and with the kids_, sure enough, if his job allows it - if he is a writer, for example. Or if we have enough savings. I am all for it. I sure enough want my kids to be loved, and not lonely.

 

However, three question marks after your phrase make me wonder what you mean. You are not implying a man should insist his wife work right after the birth, while she is still weak and sick, and leave the babies, who need her, her care and attention, I hope?

 

 

No not at all. But what if the man decides, after going to work for many years, that HE would like an opportunity to be a full-time parent while you go back to work?

 

Would you consider that fair?

 

 

Some men would like to see their kids grow up and interact with them on a day to day basis. Yes, stay-at-home fathers are still relatively rare, but shouldn't parenthood be a shared venture?

 

Perhaps a father who would enjoy the stay-at-home role should be offered that opportunity after the kids are weaned. Mom can take on the corporate grind and be the paycheck producer for a change.

[kulyok]

No not at all. But what if the man decides, after going to work for many years, that HE would like an opportunity to be a full-time parent while you go back to work?

 

Would you consider that fair?

 

Quite fair, and I would only praise such an attitude in my husband, if I still have enough time to spend with kids. It might be somewhat hard practically, however: with me, for example, a recovery cycle after birth would take from three months to half a year, and during this time any office work, outsourcing included, is not recommended - in fact, quite the opposite. And, naturally, I'd like to spend at least three days a week at home even when working.

 

Given that both of these conditions are met, i.e. my husband is willing to be the sole provider during the period of pregnancy(from the time when sitting in front of the computer screen is no longer allowed for me) and breastfeeding, and I do find a job either allowing outsourcing or requiring not more than thirty two hours a week, I am all right with it. The alternative is living on savings until the kids hit kindergarden, or primary school.

 

Note that I speak of myself only, since different women have very different outlooks.

[EnigmaXOXO]

There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who contributes equally to the relationship. But a better way to go about it rather than insisting is to encourage them to continue pursuing their professional ambitions.

 

But you must both sit down and discuss exactly what "equal" means. For instance, your wife may be working as many hours as you, but still not be able to match you in salary. You'll have to work out a realistic compromise of what each of you is expected to contribute financially. Also remember that two separate busy careers can often mean a married couple can become two ships that rarely pass in the night. So you'll have to work on finding a balance between work and home life in order to keep your relationship afloat.

 

If you're able to afford maids, daycare providers or nanny's (if there are children) than that's wonderful … but there's still much to be said for the welfare of a child who is fortunate enough to have at least one parent at home with them on a regular basis. Employees, however good at their jobs, are no substitute for real family.

 

I feel bad for both of the situations you described, Orangele. It happens often. But what happened had more to do with these particular individuals than it does with all women in general. And I think your extreme generosity may have been the prelude to their eventual complacency.

 

There's another side to the working wife story that I think our male counterparts should consider:

 

As a middle-class working wife and mother, I don't think my situation was all that unique. Females (my gal pals included) were often expected to wear many hats. Our responsibilities didn't end at the finish of the work day. Paycheck or not, we couldn't just kick back in front of the television with a beer and decompress after a busy nine to five. There was the kid's homework, dinner to be made, dishes to be washed, laundry to folded, lunches to be packed and all those traditional domestic drudgeries that typically fall back into the female partner's lap. You were lucky at the end of the evening if you could just steal a few seconds after everyone else to grab a shower if there was any hot water left. So guys … if you want a wife too exhausted to have sex after she hits the mattress in a coma … then that's the kind of "equal" deal you give her. :laugh:

 

I'm all for women working, just a much for their own welfare and independence as it is sometimes necessary these days to have two incomes just to support a growing family. And I would advise any young woman today to continue her education and advance her career before deciding to settle down and start a family. It's dangerous to become too complacent and financially dependant on another person in the event something should happen and you find yourself without a means to support yourself and children.

 

But as gender roles shift and more and more women enter the workforce, men must also be willing to make some compromises and learn how to pick up the slack on the domestic front as well. Like learning to cook, the fine art of changing a diaper, and how to fold their own laundry. I think we ALL deserve partners who are willing to contribute to our relationships equally … so long as we are willing to shed those old gender stereotypes and go into it with a realistic understanding of what "equal" really means.