BuckeyeBabe Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 I don't even know if I belong here, but my heart is breaking so here I am!!! I fell in love with a MM - at least I think I did. We talk via cyberspace about six times a day and sometimes call each other. We have gotten together once, but only as friends. We have never slept together. I did not know he was married until some months into the relationship. I knew he was divorced, but he never mentioned remarrying and did not wear a ring. Our conversations are amazing and we care very much for each other. The problem is, I can't take this anywhere - he is married. I think he realizes this as well because he is backing off a little from our talks. He has admitted feelings and a very strong physical attraction. I have to walk away. I have tried, but I end up right back. I could blow up my computer and cancel my phone!!!! He is a wonderful man and his wife is lucky. Maybe another time/place we might have been good together. How do I heal? How do I let go completely?
RealityCheck Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 I don't even know if I belong here, but my heart is breaking so here I am!!! I fell in love with a MM - at least I think I did. We talk via cyberspace about six times a day and sometimes call each other. We have gotten together once, but only as friends. We have never slept together. I did not know he was married until some months into the relationship. I knew he was divorced, but he never mentioned remarrying and did not wear a ring. Our conversations are amazing and we care very much for each other. The problem is, I can't take this anywhere - he is married. I think he realizes this as well because he is backing off a little from our talks. He has admitted feelings and a very strong physical attraction. I have to walk away. I have tried, but I end up right back. I could blow up my computer and cancel my phone!!!! He is a wonderful man and his wife is lucky. Maybe another time/place we might have been good together. How do I heal? How do I let go completely? Well, you have come to the right place. Best possible way to healing is NC (no contact). No calls, no emails, no anything! It is a verrry long difficult process. You will experience, things like "I wonder what he is thinking" about you, his situation all the stuff that you NOT need focus on. Focus primarily on yourself and the sooner you cut the ties, the sooner you will recover from this dreadful situation. KNOW you are doing the right thing for YOU! I wish you well.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 I realize you haven't taken this to the physical level, but maybe these words will help keep you grounded. It sure helped me! Some days I had to read it over, and over, and over..... Slightly edited from "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo he's just not that into you if he's married (and other insane variations of being unavailable) No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Sure, they may feel powerful, deep, mythic in scope and proportion. You may "never ever have felt this way before." But who cares? If the person you "love" (notice the snotty quotation marks around that) cannot freely spend his days thinking about you and being with you, it's not real love. Really? We're having this conversation? I'm really going to have to explain to you why you shouldn't be dating a married man? Well, okay: Here is the lowdown. He's married and having an affair, which indicates to me so many things. First, he's okay with being dishonest. (Nice.) Second, he's fine with cheating on his wife. (Super.) Third, he has no regard for his marriage. (What a gem.) Fourth and most specifically to you, he has no real regard for you, because what you're getting from him is scraps--stolen time that's cloaked in shame. (Just what you always dreamed of as a girl, right?) And because this is a workplace affair, who do you think will be asked to leave when the romance goes sour or becomes watercooler fodder that threatens his job and/or marriage? You. And whose reputation as a serious businessperson will be compromised? Did you guess you? Good girl. Regardless of how much his marriage sucks or how awful his wife is to him, it obviously isn't that bad or he would get out of it. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud. No matter what their relationship or circumstances are, you are still helping a man cheat on his wife. Let's agree you're better than that. Good for you to know you deserve to feel a powerful and profound love. I just think you should have it with someone who's actually yours. There's plenty of guys out there. Why not get one of your own? Sure, okay, sometimes people fall out of love, marry the wrong person, are overcome with passion, or make bad choices, all of which can result in an affair. Here's how you and Ring Finger Fred can handle this situation now: Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wife, then you can start a life with him not based in shame. The minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable. You have to do the waiting--the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He's so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He's that special. You, of course, aren't at all. A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn't be a second date, because if she didn't like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he?
RealityCheck Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 BTDT.... Now that was some good reading material! Excellent! I do believe this piece of material should be a "Headliner" in this Forum. *clap* *clap* *clap* Nevertheless, we will still remain in support in members healing process!
Author BuckeyeBabe Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 Thank you for the advice. I know cutting contact is what I need to do and I know I am better and deserve better than this. He is aware that since I found out he is married, it will not go to the next level. He started to become "different" ( almost angry with me for finding out ) but said that we are good friends and could continue. My problem is that we have expressed feelings for each other. Can we be friends? Is this an emotional affair? What are the boundaries? I know I'm going to get hurt even more if I don't walk away.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 BTDT.... Now that was some good reading material! Excellent! I do believe this piece of material should be a "Headliner" in this Forum. *clap* *clap* *clap* Nevertheless, we will still remain in support in members healing process! Thanks, RC! I have a few more. I had to build myself up an aresenal. I just can't remember the authors of the others so not sure if I can post. And absolutely about the support. That's why I still come here. I was so grateful to have found LS - if I can help some other poor soul the way that I was helped...
movinon05 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Thank you for the advice. I know cutting contact is what I need to do and I know I am better and deserve better than this. He is aware that since I found out he is married, it will not go to the next level. He started to become "different" ( almost angry with me for finding out ) but said that we are good friends and could continue. My problem is that we have expressed feelings for each other. Can we be friends? Is this an emotional affair? What are the boundaries? I know I'm going to get hurt even more if I don't walk away. Yes BDTD, great post! BuckeyeBabe, you cannot be friends with this man who is "almost angry for finding out"! Shame on him! Yes you WILL be hurt more. So take the walk. Walk away. The pain will only be worse. And why would you want to feel more pain than you are feeling now?
RealityCheck Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Thank you for the advice. I know cutting contact is what I need to do and I know I am better and deserve better than this. He is aware that since I found out he is married, it will not go to the next level. He started to become "different" ( almost angry with me for finding out ) but said that we are good friends and could continue. My problem is that we have expressed feelings for each other. Can we be friends? Is this an emotional affair? What are the boundaries? I know I'm going to get hurt even more if I don't walk away. You are experiencing an emotional affair! NO! you cannot be friends! You have crossed that boundry. Yes! you will be setting yourself up for more hurt! NC is the ONLY way! AND; Too freakin bad if he got angry for you finding out he was married! That is not your problem! Good Luck
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Thank you for the advice. I know cutting contact is what I need to do and I know I am better and deserve better than this. He is aware that since I found out he is married, it will not go to the next level. He started to become "different" ( almost angry with me for finding out ) but said that we are good friends and could continue. My problem is that we have expressed feelings for each other. Can we be friends? Is this an emotional affair? What are the boundaries? I know I'm going to get hurt even more if I don't walk away. ahhh...beware the "friends" trap. Maybe he is being sincere about that, I hope so. But so many times it's just to keep in contact while they hope for that chance of a window maybe opening.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Yes BDTD, great post! BuckeyeBabe, you cannot be friends with this man who is "almost angry for finding out"! Shame on him! Yes you WILL be hurt more. So take the walk. Walk away. The pain will only be worse. And why would you want to feel more pain than you are feeling now? Thanks, MO and Ditto. Walk NOW, while you still can!
Author BuckeyeBabe Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 A rational person would have already taken the walk!!!!!! I went into this relationship as a friend. I wasn't looking for anything else. I was not initially attracted to him. The more we talked, the deeper it got, the more I grew to like him. I almost feel dependent - does that make sense? He listens, he helps, he flatters. Did I mention he is old enough to be my father? Creepy? ....walk - walk - walk away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 A rational person would have already taken the walk!!!!!! I went into this relationship as a friend. I wasn't looking for anything else. I was not initially attracted to him. The more we talked, the deeper it got, the more I grew to like him. I almost feel dependent - does that make sense? He listens, he helps, he flatters. Did I mention he is old enough to be my father? Creepy? ....walk - walk - walk away!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That absolutely makes sense. Most MMs are so very good at the flattery, the "helping" us through problems. Most people you meet in your everyday life are not going to be that way, so deep with you. So, by comparison, the MM seems like so much more, so much better. Just remember, he can sit in front of his computer and pour his heart out to you, but as soon as he walks away, he is living his life and most likely not even thinking about you. Even if he says he is. You seem strong - you sought this place out. You can do it. We'll be here to help whenever you need it.
Author BuckeyeBabe Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 BTDT.... Thank you. I hope I am strong. I think he has been manipulating from the beginning. I just need to be smart enought to move through the crap!!!!
RealityCheck Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 BTDT.... Thank you. I hope I am strong. I think he has been manipulating from the beginning. I just need to be smart enought to move through the crap!!!! Oh indeed it is a sloooooow manipulation of the heart! You are smart enough for the simple fact you have already acknowledged that the situation is crap! Now, you just need to draw on your own inner strength. You'll get there, if you really want it bad enough!
Ladyjane14 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 You are fulfilling ENs (emotional needs) for this guy. You're serving as fodder for his flagging self-esteem, helping him to feel important.... like some big STUD who's got a girl young enough to be his daughter interested in him. But what are YOU getting out of it that's REAL??? It's a fantasy relationship for him, and all you're receiving out of it is just the ghost of commitment.... a wisp of smoke in a room full of mirrors. Every bit of it designed to keep you coming back and feeding his ENs, but offering NOTHING of substance in return. He deliberately misrepresented himself to you for MONTHS. Spend some time really thinking about the ramifications of that. I think you'll find that rather than pining for him... you'll get some steam built up and see his actions as the pathetic machinations of a self-centered man.
pricillia Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Thank you for the advice. I know cutting contact is what I need to do and I know I am better and deserve better than this. He is aware that since I found out he is married, it will not go to the next level. He started to become "different" ( almost angry with me for finding out ) but said that we are good friends and could continue. My problem is that we have expressed feelings for each other. Can we be friends? Is this an emotional affair? What are the boundaries? I know I'm going to get hurt even more if I don't walk away. The good thing is that you did not get physical. Read the OW posts on this site. Just to get the jist. It is hard to tear youself away from the attention, but if you do not want to get hurt then you should keep your distance. It will only end in dissapointment for you. 9 times out of ten that is what happens. It is hard I know I have been there. Go out with friends chat up some other men, look to others for support. You can do it. Being friends is emotional, you are putting your trust into someone. But just don't let it get physical and don't confide in him to much. Keep it light going foward.
Author BuckeyeBabe Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 Last week, if asked what I was getting out of this, I would have I was getting the attention and wisdom of a wonderful man whom I have grown very close to. Now I think what I am getting out of this is crapped on by a man who is usurping my energy and whom I may not know very well after all. ( What else is he keeping from me or lying about ) The true test is keeping this mindset the next time he calls or writes!!!
pricillia Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 yes it is a test!!! Is there anyone else that you like or are attracted to? Take a good look around!, try not to have blinders on for MM Peace out
Author BuckeyeBabe Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 Re-reading my last post, I don't think it was fair to say I'm being crapped on. I think deep down he is a good man who is probably just as confused as I am.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Re-reading my last post, I don't think it was fair to say I'm being crapped on. I think deep down he is a good man who is probably just as confused as I am. It's okay to be angry when people LIE to you. Not telling you that he was married was a lie of omission. This guy allowed you to invest yourself emotionally, and set the hook in your mouth like you were some kind of big mouthed bass. Honey.... you have a perfect right to be p*ssed off. You are NOT an 'object' that a guy can use to sort out his midlife crisis and "confusion". You are a living, breathing, PERSON. And as such, you deserved better treatment than to be lied to and led on that way. My advice to you: Run... Don't walk... to the nearest relationship exit. And find a single guy who understands the concept of basic honesty.
Author BuckeyeBabe Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 I think I am posting right now as a form of catharsis. He e-mailed me. I had not written in a while - I'm trying to get myself together. He wants to know how I am doing and if everything is alright. I have not responded, but it is sooooo tempting. He is very charming and seems to know all the right things to say. Looking back, I was a fool! Only calling me between certain hours or when he was in his car. Only meeting me when he was already out. Telling me stories that, I believe now, were complete crap in an effort to make himslef look appealing and attractive to women - Maybe so I would find him more appealing. Once I found out he was married, he made himself look like the perfect husband and all around good guy and asking me if I thought I deserved such wonderful treatment too. Letting me know that he had tendencies to be unfaithful ( sort of contradicts the perfect husband mantra ) and his wife knew it. I can say that I am proud of myself for never playing into his hand about the intimacy. I refused to flatter him or tell him I wanted him. Although I did admit having strong feelings after he admitted it to me. Maybe he was playing me there too. Maybe my feelings for him are not real but he has made me believe they are. Is that even possible? How could I get so taken? I honestly thought he was a genuine, caring, wise man who had my best interests at heart. The stupid part is, I think there may be a part of me that still believes that!
BenThereDunThat Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 I have to walk away. I have tried, but I end up right back. I could blow up my computer and cancel my phone!!!! He is a wonderful man and his wife is lucky. Maybe another time/place we might have been good together. Just re-reading your first post. I'm not thinking his wife is so lucky. He may be a great friend. But I think his sole intention was to get physical. And he has a "tendency" to cheat? You have to figure all MMs are dishonest, so the truth is almost always way worse than what little they're willing to admit. The sad truth is, he's probably got more than a few girls from cyberspace he's doing this to.
movinon05 Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Once I found out he was married, he made himself look like the perfect husband and all around good guy and asking me if I thought I deserved such wonderful treatment too. Letting me know that he had tendencies to be unfaithful ( sort of contradicts the perfect husband mantra ) and his wife knew it. How could I get so taken? I honestly thought he was a genuine, caring, wise man who had my best interests at heart. The stupid part is, I think there may be a part of me that still believes that! WONDERFUL TREATMENT? WHAT WONDERFUL TREATMENT? This could be read two different ways! Sarcastically or he actually believes he is all that! Get the hell away from him! And the first way is to stop blaming yourself for getting taken! Don't allow him to play mind games with you! And with your heart! RUN!!!!!!
Author BuckeyeBabe Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 Movinon... LOL - I know the wonderful treatment comment is just one of many oddities I am discovering!!! ( Or should I say opening my eyes to ) The wonderful treatment refers to how he caters to his wife - makes her meals - cleans the house - rubs her feet - etc... In hindsight it is probably him just kssing her a** to make up for other behaviors!!!
BenThereDunThat Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 All the foot rubs and meals in the world doesn't make up for him being a cheat! Here's one of the little tricks I used to help me stop spending so many hours thinking about my xMM. I downloaded some monotonous, time-consuming games from Yahoo. I spent HOURS playing these dumb things - they're addicting. But those were hours I wasn't thinking about HIM. The more time you're able to spend not focusing on him, the faster you you can get to the point where you're not thinking about him at all. Of course, my house is a mess because I'm still addicted to the damn games! Better than being addicted to him though....
Recommended Posts