dolphinlady59 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Seems like every thread or post I read is about the pain that the OW's are experiencing with their MM's. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm too new to the EMR scene, but I actually enjoy my MM's ~ yes there are two. One is a physical A and the other is not yet. but will probably end up that way. Both my MM's know there is another out there and both know that I do not want a permanent relationship (yes, I'm for real and I've been so burned by relationships that right now I don't want another one, but I will NEVER give up on sex!) and both understand that I will NOT talk to them about their W's or their relationships with thier W's and they respect that and they don't talk about them. They are both my friends and I do other activities with one of them as well (outside of the bedroom). So my question is, are there any "happy" OW's out there?
movinon05 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 You can probably count them on one hand and still have four fingers left!
dolphinlady59 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Wow, am I really the only "happy" OW out here?
movinon05 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Actually I take that back. I know of one who was happy but is no longer in the A.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 I'm sure you're not the only one. You're just most likely not going to find them here. I only came across this thread because I was miserable and was looking for help.
Tatara Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Seems like every thread or post I read is about the pain that the OW's are experiencing with their MM's. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm too new to the EMR scene, but I actually enjoy my MM's ~ yes there are two. One is a physical A and the other is not yet. but will probably end up that way. Both my MM's know there is another out there and both know that I do not want a permanent relationship (yes, I'm for real and I've been so burned by relationships that right now I don't want another one, but I will NEVER give up on sex!) and both understand that I will NOT talk to them about their W's or their relationships with thier W's and they respect that and they don't talk about them. They are both my friends and I do other activities with one of them as well (outside of the bedroom). So my question is, are there any "happy" OW's out there? I don't think the happy OWs find their way to a site to talk about it. Most people don't feel too good about themselves in a OW situation (and from what I've read most OW don't *want* to be an OW). So if you've been burned in relationships in the past and are only looking for friendly no strings attached (possibly sexual) relationships, can I ask one question? Why do you choose married men? I'm not critisizing here I'm curious. Does it make you feel good to know that you are outdoing a wife in making the man happy? Don't you feel that you are being disrespectful to the wife, or is that a turn-on of sorts? I am sure there are plenty of single men out there who are interested in "no strings attached" friendly/sexual relationships, why bother finding the married ones?
scaredinlove Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Seems like every thread or post I read is about the pain that the OW's are experiencing with their MM's. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm too new to the EMR scene, but I actually enjoy my MM's ~ yes there are two. One is a physical A and the other is not yet. but will probably end up that way. Both my MM's know there is another out there and both know that I do not want a permanent relationship (yes, I'm for real and I've been so burned by relationships that right now I don't want another one, but I will NEVER give up on sex!) and both understand that I will NOT talk to them about their W's or their relationships with thier W's and they respect that and they don't talk about them. They are both my friends and I do other activities with one of them as well (outside of the bedroom). So my question is, are there any "happy" OW's out there? I am happy most of the time...The difference is that you are not emotionally envolved with them but just having fun, so you take things are they are.You are probably right! I am very happy now because I love him and I am ready to show the wolrd, but he is not ready to that so it causes me frustration. :
Guest Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Most Ow's want the fairy tale. They want the MM to leave his W and be with her. The OW can't be happy if she is only getting a small percentage of the man and a fraction of a relationship.
dolphinlady59 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Tatara - i didn't go looking for them, they found me. It may be wrong of me, but I don't even think about their wivers. No it's not a competition or a turn-on either. They fill a need and i obviously fill one for them. As for single men, show me one...send me one, please. I would love to meet a decent single male...but they are not around...at least not that i have found. scaredinlove - i am a little bit emotionally involved with them, just not "in love" with them at least not yet.
norajane Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 There aren't so many happy OW's because there aren't so many women who are truly happy sharing a man and only having him part time, or only having part of him.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Tatara - i didn't go looking for them, they found me. It may be wrong of me, but I don't even think about their wivers. No it's not a competition or a turn-on either. They fill a need and i obviously fill one for them. As for single men, show me one...send me one, please. I would love to meet a decent single male...but they are not around...at least not that i have found. scaredinlove - i am a little bit emotionally involved with them, just not "in love" with them at least not yet. You're last line worries me. Especially if this is your first foray into the world of the MM. Obviously, I don't know you, but I said the same thing about mine. I was ending a marriage where we were not at all physical. He'd been married for many years and their sex life had also dropped off. I thought, great! No attachment, I'm not ready to get out into the dating world yet, we get our physical needs met...perfect!! WRONG, it wasn't long before I fell in love with him and realized I had put myself into the middle of a painful mess. I had to end things and it was an awful, gut-wrenching experience. Again, I don't know you, and maybe you can just do this for as long as you need to. Also, if these guys aren't professing their love for you (as mine did), that makes a difference too. If not, now you know where to come for support!
BenThereDunThat Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 There aren't so many happy OW's because there aren't so many women who are truly happy sharing a man and only having him part time, or only having part of him. You're exactly right, Norajane.
Guest Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 This is exactly what happened with me and my MM! Why did he go and tell me that he cared, why did he go and tell me that he needs me too? I never wanted to fall in love with him, but I have and now it hurts so much to stay away. I am also in the middle of a painful mess and it sucks. You're last line worries me. Especially if this is your first foray into the world of the MM. Obviously, I don't know you, but I said the same thing about mine. I was ending a marriage where we were not at all physical. He'd been married for many years and their sex life had also dropped off. I thought, great! No attachment, I'm not ready to get out into the dating world yet, we get our physical needs met...perfect!! WRONG, it wasn't long before I fell in love with him and realized I had put myself into the middle of a painful mess. I had to end things and it was an awful, gut-wrenching experience. Again, I don't know you, and maybe you can just do this for as long as you need to. Also, if these guys aren't professing their love for you (as mine did), that makes a difference too. If not, now you know where to come for support!
Blind Illusion Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 The number would be higher but for two things, 1-Generally speaking, I think that when things go wrong, people seek out support. That includes Internet sites like this. I know that was my MO for coming here. When I was happy in my affair, I wasn't around to answer your question. Know what I mean? 2. It's very hard to not want more in a relationship. I'm not saying its impossible...we all come from different mindsets, walks of life, etc. Sometimes, though, when we want more or worry whether the other person cares for us more than we do, then we aren't really happy. We're anxious. Of course, this doesn't just involve being involved with a MM. Maybe your happiness will remain, though, if you don't fit into these categories.
dolphinlady59 Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 I originally came to this forum because yes, I am new being with MM's and I was curious as to what others had experienced. Blind Illusion ~ I understand what you're saying and right now I am at the mindset that I don't want more... If or when that changes, I'll probably hurt them both if they do have feeling for me because I will cut them loose if Mr. Wonderful or Prince Charming suddenly appears on my doorstep and I fall head over heels in love. As for worrying if they feel more for me than I do for the, well I guess I've recently decided to behave like a man...it's their problem! Not mine! BeenThereDunThat ~ Both my MM's understand that I don't want a full time relationship with any man much less either of them. NO, they don't profess their love for me, we are friends and I do care about them but I am not in love with either of them. While they are both nice guys and neither are at a point where they are ready to leave their marriage because of minor children, I suspect that when the last child is gone (wether I or another OW is in the picture or not) most likely both of them will leave. I'm not holding my breath or even wanting that to happen. We don't talk about their wives or their relationships with thier wives. In fact, the one that I have the physical relationship with has never even once mentioned his wife. The other that has not progressed to that yet, mentions his wife occassionally, but I very quickly steer him away from that subject. We do talk about our children, our work, other aspects of our lives including future hopes and dreams that are not centered around each other...in fact we don't speak in terms of future tense about us. Norajane ~ I don't mind sharing them because I don't have to cook for them or clean for them or nag them to take out the trash or mow the lawn...been there done that, no thanks! I'm extremely, fiercely independent and I don't want or need a man to take care of me. Every last single male that I have ever met can not handle that I don't "need" them completely. I believe I am completely realistic here in what I've gotten myself into (I know, y'all thought you were too!). Don't think I haven't tried all the dating sites and singles things I can find where I live. I have over and over and it never goes anywhere. All this being said, I am very grateful to all of your for your opinions and I value your input and experience very much! Thank you and I look forward to reading more about your experiences.
My_Other_I Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Wow, am I really the only "happy" OW out here? You might be "happy" now, but that will most likely change. I think we all thought we were 'happy' when the A was ongoing. And guess what, the majority was in for a surprise at the end.
My_Other_I Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 scaredinlove - i am a little bit emotionally involved with them, just not "in love" with them at least not yet. That's how it was for me. I thought that I couldn't fall in love with a guy who is married. i had no respect for him (and apparently non for myself, either. otherwise I would not get involved in the first place). Well, that changed quickly and that's how I ended up on LS. I was the happy OW, but it wasn't until the bitter end hit me that I came here. I hope you know what you are doing. From what you described about your Rs I don't think you have good grip on your emotional control. What if you get burnt again? Believe me, this burn is worse than others - it takes a lot more healing because of the nature of the R. Self-doubts, confusion, ....
dolphinlady59 Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 My Other I ~ thank you for your concern. I don't think that I can't fall in love with either of them but I do think it's not likely to happen because neither of these men is the typical "type" that I am attracted to if that makes any sense. I have no self-doubts or confusion about who I am or what I want for my life right now. I know that most likely will change in the future and I will most likely be the one ending the R's with either or both of them. I will say that the one that I don't yet have the physical R is much more emotionally involved than the one that I do have the physical R with. He tells me how much he "missed" me when we can not communicate. I don't talk to either of my MM's on a daily basis. They have jobs and lives and I prefer not having to worry about them like that. You have the quote about worry and I completely agree with it! As I said in my original post, I may be naive as this is my first experience with MM's. And as I also stated, they found me, I didn't persue either one of them. I'm not saying I'm completely blameless because I could have and still can say no to them. But I'm not going to and I'm not going to beat myself up or feel guilty about it either! I know I sound comletely a-moral and maybe I am...but I don't think so. I'm very discreet with them and extremely careful. I don't call either of them. One communicates with me via email and the other calls me. The one I am having sex with never assumes that I am going to drop everything I'm doing just to be with him. He always asks to make sure that I don't have any other plans that he would be interrupting. Right now, for me and me alone, I feel like I have the best of all worlds.
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 It is possible to be the OW and be happy...it's all in your expectations. I had an A last year with a MM I had known for a few years. My expectation was that it would be short lived and fun. Something I desperately needed in my life at that time. It lasted much longer than I expected (by about 6 months), but ended when our lives changed and work and family became more of a focus. We are still friendly, meet occasionally for coffee, but no longer have a physical relationship. Did I go looking for a MM? Absolutely not, but sometimes you play the hand that life deals you. And I have no regrets and carry no pain from this relationship.
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