How do i get through this

[The Don]

SOME HELP PLEASE

 

Hello there never ever done anthing like this before, just sitting here surfing the net feeling very miserable. And i thought maybe i could get some advice. By that i mean useful advice not along the lines of plenty more fish in the sea. Which i have heard far to many times in the last few days. So if you think you can help read on.

Well i dont really know how to begin. My girlfriend of five years dumped me this week. Im in quite a bad place at the minute, not sure what to do with myself. I just cant stop thinking about her and what im going to do with out her. You see i thought she was the one i was going to spend the rest of my life with. I have had other girlfriends, but never for so long and i never felt so much for anyone as i did for her.

She left me a poorly written note it said "sorry bade i cant stay with you". Thats all i get for five years of my life. I called her she was so cold towards me, she was out clubbing dancing about with other men, enjoying herself while i was sitting at home crying my eyes out raging at the world. Just the thought of another man is driving me insane. Let me just say i dont know if she is with some one else its just a feeling i have.

To tell you the truth i knew something was wrong for a while, she seemed different towards me. I tried to talk to her find out what was wrong, what she wanted me to do to make her happy. I never really got a staight answer. Tried stuff like taking her on a romatic weekend in Paris didnt seem to make any difference.

As i type this now she has just phoned me, she has just been out and got back. She said she misses me and wants me to go over there tomorrow to shag her and hold her in my arms. At first i thought she was saying she wanted to come back to me. But no i think she just feels lonely. She made it clear she doesnt want to come back.

Well now i have a new problem i suppose, i want to go so badly but its just going to make me feel even worse to leave her the next morning. And im not exactly thinking with my brain at the minute.

We spent some time on the phone together and she told me some quite hurtful things. That weekend in Paris i mentioned earlier, she told me she got off with some barman while my back was turned. Nice.... Also that she got bored with the sex, so why she wants me to go over there tomorrow i dont know. If you are a woman reading this can you please try to explain to me what she is thinking because im buggered if i know.

I dont know how to react to these revelations, there was more but i dont feel comfortable putting it down here. Is she trying to screw me up or is some method to her madness. I think the problem is im weak where she is concerned and am too willing to forgive her anything.

Someone please tell me what i have to do to sort this out, i miss her so much.

[D-Lish]

I know it will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do- but you have to cut off all contact with her. Don't take her calls or bow to her wishes. If you keep making yourself available to her- you give her all the power. If you step back and tell her you agree that you want to seperate and plan to move on... you will drive her mad!

 

Just think about how you feel knowing she is out partying and flirting. She knows right now that she can call you anytime and make you do what she wants- you've admitted as much. If you cut the cord, she will then become the one wondering what you are doing and who you are with. That is where you begin to regain some power. She'll be on your doorstep if you do this.... and you'll have to tell her NO!

 

It sounds like she has some figuring out to do. Also sounds like she is being very manipulative and cruel. Step back, cut off all contact and pretend like you are moving on. Read the post by "Thekhris" regarding how to win someone back. It states the no contact rule and why it works.

 

I have just had my heart smashed by my boyfriend of a year. He asked for space and I am giving it to him- even though it is really, really hard. The post I told you about it really insightful.

 

Good luck,

Dee

[superconductor]

As painful as it is, D-lish is exactly right.

 

There is only one rule of breakups; NO CONTACT (NC).

 

That means no phone calls. No emails. No texting. No letters. No driving by her place. No notes. No messages through friends. No answering machine messages.

 

Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Nadda. Bupkus.

 

If she tries to contact you, hang up the phone. Delete the email. Do whatever it is you have to do to avoid her attempts at contact.

 

She may try to get in touch with you because she might buy the myth known in self-help circles as "closure." In fact, there is no such thing as closure. It's simply a way of trying to get the last word.

 

This may sound harsh - well, it is harsh - but it is the only way that you will truly be able to move on.

[B-3128]

Don,

 

I had a big breakup lately too. I didn't observe NC and now I regret it so much. People tell you to break contact like it's so easy. I know why I broke the rule and made it. I too am weak and I had to learn the hard way. Still, do you really want at least a month and a half's worth of depression? Do you want to be nautious? Poor sleep? Come on man, don't be a masochist. And it sounds like such a faithless "me me me" attitude that goes against all the training she gave you. But alas! This is not your girl. She's someone else in her skin. Check out Zombie Theory.

 

I know it's tough. Sometimes, people babbling on about NC feels as bad as the angling analogy (plenty of fish). It's not though. It's practical advice geared at maximising your chances of emotional survival and her chances of resurrection.

 

I bet a lot of people have also told you that she's a bi+ch and that you could do better etc. Odds are, you are in love with a concept and not the girl. Sometimes we maintain our own ideal of the person we love. They change. We stay in love with the ideal. Soon, the ideal we are in love with has no resemblance with what the person has truly become like. Then, something happens (eg. they cheat/dump etc.) to really make clear that your concept no longer exists. Then, denial. You want to believe this to be an anomaly. It has to be, otherwise you have lost something so dear. It takes a while to come to terms with reality. Also, it's really easy to feel as though it is due to your failures that your concept has been buried. It's not. No matter what you've done. People are free agents and there is always an alternative way for them to react. If you want clarification of this, I can give an example.

 

The girl sounds a bit like my ex... Perhaps she's even got BPD. That's for you to decide because you know her best. In any case, although it seems that a relationship forum is for losers with no mates etc., you have come to the right place. It's a support group, and support groups are medically proven to help people through things. Sometimes as good as drugs etc.

 

Oh, and only a whore (male or female) would agree to her offer. Have some self respect. What would your mother think?!

 

B

[the_alchemyst]

Why is NC so hard? I don't understand why people say it's so difficult.

 

Think about it: Why in hell would I want to know what my exbf is up to?

 

I'm already hurt, so why hurt myself more?

 

But maybe I'm just too chicken. Actually, I've always thought of it that way--I do NC because I'm too scared to know.

 

Yep.

 

OP: What do you want to do?

[burning 4 revenge]

Shag her VERY f'ing hard and you know what I mean and leave laughing!

[B-3128]

And why not splurge her and spit on her when you're done too?

 

Revenge is not the way. It's quite an insecure thing to do. You do nothing but create a display for yourself of how much it has affected you. As soon as your anger gives, you will experience a tsunami of sadness. You'll feel useless. Then you apologize and feel even more pathetic about yourself. Who wants that?!

 

I get very tempted to say some really really nasty things to my ex. Hell, she deserves them. I keep control though... just.

 

If she calls, don't pick up. Block and delete on messenger. If you fail to avoid her, just say you don't want to speak to her and get out PRONTO! If she kicks up a fuss and gives you an LJBF guilt trip, giving you a hard time for not being like Jesus and turning the other cheek, just tell her that you can't make yourself want to speak to her. Think (but don't say) just like she can't make herself want to be your girlfriend. Then get out. Say you "have to go". Don't say you "have to go, ok?". Do not wait for a response. Get walking. Stop talking. Hang up. Whatever it trakes. You need to eject. Your jet is hit and on fire. If you want to survive, then don't stay and argue.

 

Abstain from rage and you maintain the moral highground and you avoid guilt-derived obligations to put you in harm's way.

 

Hope this helps!

 

B

[jgaz3124]

I think the NC rule is great not because it will give an ex time to miss you and want you back, but because it will give you time to feel all the feelings you need to feel to move on, then when she does come back looking for a shag or looking to be with you again you will have realized that she is no longer the girl for you and why would you want to be with someone who treated you so badly anyways. If you brake NC it will just delay the healing process and really just make you feel like a fool. But don't beat yourself up if you mess up in a weak momnet and contact her, after all we are all just human and we make mistakes, but if you do happen to contact her note how you feel after the fact and learn from that and just start NC over again. And just remember this healing is about you not her. You are doing this so that you can heal not as a game to get her back. Be strong you can do it. Just remember to let yourself feel because the emotions will come whether you want them to or not and the sooner you let them out the sooner you can start to move on.

[The Don]

What kind of fool am I

I went over to see her this afternoon, i just couldnt stop myself. Now i just feel ten times worse. I think that im going to have to break all contact with her. If i keep on seeing her then im just going to do something stupid and vengeful and thats not the person i want to be.

Thanks for the advice everyone, it helps to know im not the only person in the world going through this.

[D-Lish]

You're not a fool Don. Loving someone can make us do foolish things sometimes though.

 

You have to work up the courage to break contact though- you can't keep letting yourself be used this way. She's leading you around like a puppet on a string- so cut the strings and keep yourself occupied and busy. Turn off your phone!!!

 

Good luck.

[The Don]

Cant sleep

Trying to sleep but i cant the empty space next to me............. I dont know what to say, been out drinking thought it might make it easier. NO.

Erased her numbers and contact details from my messenger account. The problem is i have them commited to memory, how do i forget.

[D-Lish]

You can start by just letting yourself grieve and be okay with it. What's the worst thing that can happen if you grieve? You'll cry, emote, let it out... then you'll eventually get your wits about you, realize what's best for YOU and then you'll begin to get angry.

 

Angry isn't bad either- sounds like you should be angry.

 

Having the numbers committed to memory is irrelevant- it's the ritual cleansing of getting rid of the reminders that is important. It will fall into place- don't worry.

 

I just got dumped and it hurts like hell. We haven't spoken in nine days and it's killing me. But each day gets better and easier. I took down all his pictures, deleted him from all my memories- phone, computer- and put his things in my storage locker. Those rituals did help a bit.

 

Just keep sticking to the no contact - it's better for you not knowing what she's up to anyway.

 

It gets easier.

Dee

[Rooster_DAR]

Reading ***t like this really pisses me off. What a fu*** loser she is for humiliating you and taking you for granted this way. Dude, GTFO and don't look back. You can do better than that, and she will get what's coming to her someday. Sorry for the hostile post, I really strikes a nerve with me when somebody gets hurt this bad from someone elses selfishness.

 

Good Day!

[abitconfused]

Dude. Think about it. Be glad you didn't marry her and she is talking half. As much as maybe that could be the reason she left. But going off with some bar dude while you took her off on a nice romatic trip to Paris? Please she should have been only thinking about you. Look at the fact she will always be bored with something. Maybe someday she will decide one man is good enough. Right now I coudn't be a part of her life knowing who knows how many times she has cheated on you. You need to be strong here and not be weak.

 

I am in a tough spot my self but it is true. The sooner you move on and fine someone else to focus your attention on the better you will be. Otherwise it will be one big lifetime circle of ups and downs. It just does really suck you had to waste 5 years of your life with her. I bet she had just become more bold now and she had been doing things behind your back for years.

 

NC and move on man. Good luck.

[Rooster_DAR]

I've been through this now for the second time, and it really sucks. You get so blinded by how much you love someone, they are so bold to practically introduce you to their new lovers. My Ex wife did this, and dragged to to a party and introduced me to a guy that I later found out she was shagging. This kind of person is very dangerous, and the problem is with them not you. Please don't beat yourself up, this is not your fault. Keep me posted as to what you are doing, and how you plan to recover from this.

 

We feel for ya dude!