insomnie Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 Basically, I am incredibly sexually frustrated in my relationship. My boyfriend "dislikes" foreplay, so we don't have it. He also told me he didn't like me initiating sex. When I do, he pulls away and tells me to stop...even if I make it clear that I expect nothing from him (aka I'll try to go down on him, he'll get pissed.) He's very closedminded about when he is in the mood for sex, and for what kind...so I am left waiting for when he wnats it. When he's in the mood, he'll rip off my clothes halfway and with no lube or foreplay attempt to insert. I just can't do it like that all the time, it's simply an issue of too much pain, and when sex "fails", he'll shut down again. He does't bother trying any other way (aka with kissing first), again because he doens't enjoy it. In our two years together, he hasn't given me one orgasm =(. Whenever I put my hand there and try to show him what to do, he pulls it out and puts my hand there instead. My question is, how can i get through to him about these issues in a way that would encourage him to change? This is a sensitive topic for us both. I don't want to come off as threatening or nagging. I am so hurt and frustrated by this that instictively I want to either scream at him or just end it, but I know both of those would be counterproductive to what I want to achieve, which is a better sex life with THIS guy.
Touche Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 Have you ever even TRIED to talk to him about this over the last two years? I wouldn't bring it up in bed though. Bring it up during a relaxed time though. My instincts tell me though that he has some big issues here. Issues that a simple talk won't fix. When he pulls his hand away, have you asked him WHY?
sockpuppet Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 It sounds like first you need to find out what his issue is...this doesn't sound like the typical male sex drive to me. While you actually are having sex, is he into it? Is it an intimate, passionate thing for both of you? I'm no expert on that kind of thing, so I have no idea what could be causing all that, but maybe you should just be straightforward and ask him why he doesn't like when you initiate, why he doesn't like foreplay, and that that stuff is just as much if not more important to you than sex itself.
littlepiggy1 Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 He sounds like he's got some sexual repression issues or something. Try talking to him calmly about it. Try not to bet too judgemental, because you don't know what exactly is causing his current behavior. It could be something he's embarrased about or has trouble revealing.
norajane Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 That doesn't sound like normal guy sexual behavior. He's definitely got some issues...and not talking about them for 2 years has probably made it seem ok to him, or that maybe you don't care so much about your sex life. Talking to him when you're not in bed is best. You can try by bringing up little things you'd like him to do, but I don't think that will work. You're going to have to be very forthright and tell him you'd like to get more out of your sex life and hope he wants the same as it's important to your relationship. And then tell him that having sex without foreplay is painful for you and you need to warm up first with some foreplay. Ask him why he doesn't enjoy kissing. Ask him what you can do to make him more comfortable with taking time for sex. But, I think you're going to need the help of a therapist...rather, HE's going to need to start talking to a therapist to figure out what his issues are since he won't talk with you.
Author insomnie Posted September 2, 2006 Author Posted September 2, 2006 I kind of worry that he has some issues he's never dealt with too. He's mentioned to me in the past that he'd be happiest if we had sex about once a week, and he doesn't masturbate or watch porn. (He thinks porn is "disgusting", wheras I actually like it.) When we do have sex, it's passionate in that he is very into it, but never intimate. He seems to separate me from the act, which kind of bothers me actually... I'd like to feel like he's having sex with ME, not just trying to get off as fast as possible. We have had conversations about this in which I mention I need foreplay, but he seems to take that in consideration for about 5 minutes, then it's back to the same thing. When I initiate he says he loses interest in sex because he feels "pressured" to perform, so I think what I need to do is try to communicate to him that he doens't need to perfrom at all, that sometimes I just want him to lay back and be open to my touch and what can follow. What I want, ideally, is to be able to go to him with my sexual needs. To have a right to touch his body, and to have him be open to *getting* in the mood if I happen to arouse him. It's like he's taken all control I have over my sex life away from me, and I need to get some of it back. I am most bothered by this because I feel unloved when I think about how he doens't seem to want to please me sexually, but I realize I need to not be emotional about this and make those kinds of assumptions, or he will feel threatened. And, I know he does love me, he shows it in millions of other ways.
sockpuppet Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 You're a very loving, supporting girlfriend if you're willing to deal with that kind of frustration and look to fixing things instead of just looking elsewhere. It's pretty clear he's got some kind of deep-seated issue with sex itself, he'll likely need more than a talk with you to fix that.
Hitman10000 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 He could have some issues with sex, but with massive porn on the internet, I highly doubt it. In most cases he has some hangups about sex or he's not that into you. for those who are having sexual problems in a relationship where the guy isn't being passionate with you or for the guy where the girl just acts like a robot or a dead fish. Let me tell you, Sex is possibly the biggest deal breaker to determine how good a relationship can be. I'm not talking about crazy passionate loose one night stand kinda sex, I'm talking about seeing a person continously for several months and the guy or girl seems passionless about the sexual ordeal.
norajane Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 He could have some issues with sex, but with massive porn on the internet, I highly doubt it. I don't understand what you mean? Are you saying watching porn makes men have no interest in foreplay or in trying to give her an orgasm?
Outcast Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 I think he's just selfish and self-centered. His 'issues' are that he wants what he wants and doesn't care what you want or need.
DanielMadr Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 I kind of worry that he has some issues he's never dealt with too. He's mentioned to me in the past that he'd be happiest if we had sex about once a week, and he doesn't masturbate or watch porn. (He thinks porn is "disgusting", wheras I actually like it.) When we do have sex, it's passionate in that he is very into it, but never intimate. He seems to separate me from the act, which kind of bothers me actually... I'd like to feel like he's having sex with ME, not just trying to get off as fast as possible. We have had conversations about this in which I mention I need foreplay, but he seems to take that in consideration for about 5 minutes, then it's back to the same thing. When I initiate he says he loses interest in sex because he feels "pressured" to perform, so I think what I need to do is try to communicate to him that he doens't need to perfrom at all, that sometimes I just want him to lay back and be open to my touch and what can follow. What I want, ideally, is to be able to go to him with my sexual needs. To have a right to touch his body, and to have him be open to *getting* in the mood if I happen to arouse him. It's like he's taken all control I have over my sex life away from me, and I need to get some of it back. I am most bothered by this because I feel unloved when I think about how he doens't seem to want to please me sexually, but I realize I need to not be emotional about this and make those kinds of assumptions, or he will feel threatened. And, I know he does love me, he shows it in millions of other ways. He is a freak, sorry. It may get worse. And Im sorry for his children too. Tough but true.
blind_otter Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 He has a sexual issue but is too afraid to address it and is not open to communicating about the issue. IMO that's a man who has serious intimacy issues. No offense or anything, but what are you supposed to do if he won't even talk about it? There is no relationship if there is no communication. Have you brought up the fact that you are unhappy with the lack of open communication? Personally I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of sexual behavior for a month, let alone 2 years. I have been sexually assaulted in the past and that would be triggers all over the place, I would feel like I was being raped. That kind of sexual behavior is very very odd.
Author insomnie Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 So with the help of a little booze, I brought up our little problem last night, and he said that a lot of the time, foreplay, especially initiated by me, made him feel pressured to have sex, which in turn made him not want to. Just like I thought. All of our issues, in the bedroom and out, revolve around this alleged pressure. At the slightest hint of it, he RUNS. And the hints ARE slgiht. I am not a high-maintenence girlfriend, I do not expect all that much out of the ordinary. I can ask him what he's doing for lunch and he'll clamp up, because of the implication that I must want to have it with him. I tried to tell him everything I've been posting here, that I just want to be able to touch him without him needing to respond to me, that I wasn't always after sex and that it was ok for him not to be in the mood. I tried to be clear. He seemed happy to be listening to me, and afterward we did have sex, so maybe I got through this time. I tried to be as clear and as unthreatening as possible. I left out that I wasn't satisfied and that usually he fails even to turn me on, that I am disturbed by how removed he is during sex, how it's never about me as a person...those conversations I saved for later. One thing at a time. But I'm starting to realize how screwed-up he really is. He's only 20. He should be trying to screw me 24/7.
mental_traveller Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Well there are a few possibilities. First, he may have some deep-seated issues about sex. Second, he might just not be all that sexually compatible with you. I know myself, some women even if they are quite good-looking, I just don't click that well in bed with. I might like them in all other respects, but for whatever reason they just don't do it for me. Third, he might just have a lower sex drive than you. Only in one of those scenarios is he a "freak". As for initiating it, I can see where he is coming from. Personally I sometimes don't like it when a woman initiates sex (some guys love it, but others don't). I like to be spontaneous, and if the woman is trying to warm things up and I was thinking/doing something else, it feels a bit forced. Then again, I do initiate it quite a lot, have no problems talking about it, and love foreplay, so it's not quite the same as the situation with your guy here. I think women do better when they give signs they are interested (body language, dress, tone of voice, eye contact etc) and then leave the rest up to the guy. Try to be more subtle instead of using the sledgehammer approach. The clear issue though is his lack of willingness to discuss it. He has opened up a bit now you've raised it, which is a good sign IMO. But there's been a long lack of communication and that has to change step by step. Overall I'd recommend you be very sensitive about the "pressure" issue. Try doing things that might turn him on in an indirect way. E.g. arrange to give each other a massage, but say it's just because your back aches or something. Have baths, showers together, cuddle on the couch, touch him (non sexually) and lean in close, slowly lead him on & give him signs, but let him make the moves. I think that might be better suited. Your goal should be to do things that make him *want* to initiate. Rather than do things that make him feel that you are trying to initiate.
Walk Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I can ask him what he's doing for lunch and he'll clamp up, because of the implication that I must want to have it with him. I left out that I wasn't satisfied and that usually he fails even to turn me on, that I am disturbed by how removed he is during sex, how it's never about me as a person...those conversations I saved for later. One thing at a time. Are you saying he does the same thing when you ask about lunch as he does when you ask for sex? (clam up and run) That to me would signal it's not "just sex" he is having the problem with, but more along the lines of being controlled, or he feels his independence is being curtailed. Is the problem "just the sex" or does this same attitude appear throughout the entire relationship? How does he react when you suggest other things in the relationship, like going places you want to go, or doing things he might not be all that fond of, etc.? Does he contribute equally in other aspects of your relationship, or do you put in a large part of the effort?
Pink Amulet Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I think he's just selfish and self-centered. His 'issues' are that he wants what he wants and doesn't care what you want or need. I agree completely with outcast... This isn't a sex issue, this is a relationship issue. He sounds selfish and disrespectful.
Candied-Heart Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Aw. I have to agree with Pink Amulet. It's very sad ! My BF is a typical 'generalised' guy who doesn't seem to need much foreplay but I tend to like the anticipation just as much as the act like a generalised female, ahaha. So I tend to coax him into 'playing' without too much hassle. I am sorry it is so difficult for you and I really hope you can figure out what to do with this situation!
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