soconfused78 Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 For all you divorced/separated guys out there, I need your advice. I've been seeing a man about 5 months now who is separated. They have a daughter together, have been apart for over a year, and, from what I understand, the situation is pretty complicated. I don't ask much about the topic because I know it's difficult, and he tends to get very upset at the idea of "failure." My confusion is this... most of the time things are pretty good with us. Most of the time he is thoughtful and sweet and we make each other laugh all the time. Other times he withdraws, doesn't return phone calls, and acts pretty much like he could care less. A couple of days later, everything will be fine, but I am left feeling confused and hurt. I have never dated a man who was separated or divorced. I want to be there for him and be patient and understanding, but I also don't want to feel like I am being treated like a doormat. So, is this normal for guys in his situation to act this way? Can anyone shed some light on what's going on? Can anyone offer advice on what I should do on my end?
superconductor Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 His moodiness may not have anything to do with the separation, especially given the fact that they've been separated for over a year. It is possible, though, that there are custody issues and support payment issues that haven't yet been resolved (a deadbeat dad, perhaps?) which might be causing him some grief. Or, perhaps, his moodiness was one of the triggering factors which caused the marriage split in the first place. From my personal experience, I was immensely relieved when my ex and I split. My mood improved, my health improved, my whole outlook on life improved, and those improvements were very apparent in my circle of friends and acquaintances. In short, there are really too many variables to offer some sort of decently helpful response. Sorry...
lovelorcet Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Could it also be that there are issues which pop up for him, like he has to deal with something involving his ex and that still upsets him sometimes. A year is not that long really, there could still be things that she could do that get under his skin.
suzie sweet Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Has he mentioned divorce for the near future?, how old is this guy? does he see his daughter much? Does he get on with his x ??? He could be under a lot of pressure, or maybe he still in love with her it does happen....
Maria33 Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 I'm not sure about men. But, I'm going through this myself and there are days that are difficult and I get upset easily. It's a tough thing to go through even when you know it will be much better in the end. He might just be stressed out over work or something too. Who knows, guys don't talk about stuff like that much. They would rather just deal with it themselves it seems. Good luck though!
rukhsana100 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Hello, I dated my separated man for about a year now. I talked to my friends and family about his behavior and they tell me I deserve better. I had several mental breakdowns while dating him. I cant and wont do it anymore. He is away to visit his family in another country and this gave me a chance to think and cry and see for myself what the relationship was really for
rukhsana100 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 This is the breakup letter I wrote to him. I realized I am dating a married man and no matter how much I love him I love myself more. I am becoming unhealthy and sad! THe letter I wrote to him: I have been thinking about how you conducted yourself in our relationship. Finally I think I know why. After the first time we met in December - you started to have second thoughts about us. The reason is not me, but that you are not Free emotionally and legally from your wife. You are indecisive and in the process you have hurt and wasted my time. I felt you neglected me last several months, I felt you were not been warm toward me. Anyway that gave me more reason to call you a lot to find out - because I did not understand WHY someone who could not stop calling me every hour suddenly change and NOT call me at all. Its NOT me - I am the same talented, smart and beautiful person. Anyway - you are confused and muddled with your decisions as to whether you want to divorce your wife. You have figured out the consequences of your divorce... That is you might make your whole family get upset toward you. You might also hurt your daughter. You might also lose a lot of money by divorcing. That is why you don't take care of me or care for me or talk to me. You only do that when I visit you, or when I don't talk to you. That is the only time you call... You don't want the divorce but you still want to keep me around - because I am fun! Maybe you loved me once but realized that the consequence of having me in your life is a high price for you to pay! I got carried away in November by your constant attention and kindness! I am sorry I fell for a married man with tons of responsibility. Even if you are free today - we will not work out. You constantly put me down for my age and my looks You do not spend any time with me You threaten me with other women who are interested in you and then tell me its a joke! These hurt me and its not a joke You always think I want your money You did not make any effort to tell your family about me, since you do not want to "rock the boat". One time I wanted you tell your mother and you avoided it with a million excuses! You hide things from me on many many occasions. I never lied to you but you did. I planned things with you but you did not follow through You are constanly helping people and that is why you are busy and do not have time for me I know that during work days you seek out clients or businesses so you can do these work at night. That is why you do not call me during work days at all. You also spend a lot of time with family, friends and other outsiders rather than me. You are a hero to ALL but NOT me! Also when I request something from you, you make me wait for days, I had to ask you over and over again. For example - Like your I192 document, what a struggle that was. Your phone is conveniently off on many occasions - you are hiding something from me I do not know what it was. I never did that to you! You crashed my trust! I have already made up my mind that I will not be able to have such a unhealthy, unattentive, miserable and untruthful relationship. You displayed all the attention and love in the begining and I paid for it dearly - but NO MORE! I have spoken to my father and mother on all of that has happened. They were both going to accept us in marraige before. But when they heard what has been happening last few months, they are totally against keeping in touch with you, let alone marriage. My mother does not want me to marry someone who neglects me or lies to me! My father has told me that if I ever mention your name he will disown me! Please do not contact me, I have lost all my faith, trust and respect for you. I do not believe in any plans or anything you have to say. I request you to leave me in Peace,
suzie sweet Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Wow, what a letter it says it all, No bitterness or anger was read it was perfect, GOOD for you go girl and enjoy ye life gud luk x
nicki Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Wow, we can learn from you. Excellent letter. You have thought it all out and are very good at expressing your feelings and your perspective. But, I still wouldn't send it. You wrote it mostly for yourself, so you could figure things out. And you have, quite well at that. As for breaking up, I think short and sweet is best. You don't really owe him much of an explanation except "It's not working out for us. I think it's best we go our separate ways." He knows what he has done wrong. I'm sure you talked to him many times while you were trying to work things out. If, after the break up talk, he wants additional information, he will ask. Then you can tell him more if you want to. But, really, once you break up and move on, I find it's best to make yourself not care one bit about his reaction or his perspective. Yours is the only one that counts. Good luck. You are very smart and bold.
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