Considering Cheating

[pickle]

My guy, that I've been with 14 yrs, is completely apathetic towards me. He's been this way for a decade. Tells me "I fell in love with an artist. Now, I don't know what you are." And complains that I don't dress up, doesn't think monogamy is healthy, etc... Well, he's also gained weight, farts alot and has become a clone of his dad.

 

Thing is, when we 1st got together it was CRAZY intense. We could devour each other. Had sex 2-3 times every day. Were crazy about each other. When we weren't together, when I went to college 2 hrs away, we'd sleep with each other's clothes, underwear, etc. I was drunk with the look, smell, touch of him. I worshiped him. We'd kiss for hours and hours and watch each other sleep. The love and lust was great and mutual.

 

Then down the road it would start to end. He started to quickly lose interest in me months after moving in with me, b/w year 3 or 4. Occassionally things would seem back to normal, but would change back soon and stay that way.

 

Around 6 yrs ago he took up watching and downloading porn. He's not an addict, but it has replaced me. And has often told me he "thinks" he wants to break up and see other women. That he's attracted to other women. I've packed and prepared to leave numerous times. We both still love each other and are jealous at the idea of being with other people. But there's no chemistry or intensity anymore.

 

I'm telling you! This guy used to be the most BEAUTIFUL man I've ever seen! No exageration! Had that dark sexy Johnny Depp look. Everyone, even our guy friends would always comment on his looks. Now he's 25lbs overweight and acts just like his dad -- dry, stiff, crotchety, despondent, devoid of humor, anti-social, only watches Fox News and bitches about "the liberal media" 24/7!!!!! Ick!!!!

 

I don't even think he watches porn anymore. I don't think he holds an inch of sexual feeling anywhere in him. We have seperate bedrooms and have routine sex once every 3-4 months.

 

But like my sister says "I don't think you guys know how to not be together." It's true. We got together very young (17 & 18). He is my family. It would be heartbreaking to lose him as my best friend and partner. He says the same. And we're still jealous of each other -?!?!?!?!?!?

 

So why shouldn't I cheat????? Why shouldn't I have a secret side lover. He's had his porn for yrs and admitted his deep attraction for another girl once. I consider that cheating. I propositioned a guy soon after that.

 

How can you break up and have sex with other people and still remain friends???? This dilemma keeps us together and miserable.

[Tony T]

You can't break up a relationship you don't even have. The two of you were OVER a very long time ago. All that's left is splitting up the stuff you've accumulated and each of you moving on.

 

Also, it's not all about sex. Maybe you've never had a close emotional union with somebody. Try it. You don't need to be friends with a habit. A habit is not a friend. If you find things about this guy that would beckon you to a friendship if you met him today, OK...be his friend. Otherwise, there's no basis for a friendship. It's friendshxt.

 

Go find a man with whom you can have a close bond with sex thrown in for extra measure. Of course, if sex is all you're looking for now get out there and have at it. There are men everywhere available for that. But don't couple up with one and come back here with another complaint like this one.

 

The only way you'll find Mr. Right is to get out there and go through the bullshxt like everybody else.

 

As I said, right now all you have is a bad habit...that's not even satisfying. At least people get something out of beer and cigarettes. Hell, you won't even get cancer from what you have!

[Adunaphel]

Dump him.

 

Or talk to him. Let him know how you feel.

Communicate. Print out your post and ask him to read it if you have to.

And see where you go from there.

 

Both options are way healthier and much more useful than cheating. (Which is an extremely bad idea, as I hope you knw deep down since you posted here.)

[norajane]

Yikes - you two are SOOOO over! Why in the world would you stay in a bizarre arrangement like that? Life has so much more to offer - end this now and start living!

 

As for the cheating, even if you don't care what it would do to you and your roommate, have some compassion for the poor sap you'd be cheating with. Why drag someone else into your dysfunctional relaitonship?

[LakesideDream]

Neither or you are willing to make an effort, both seem totally disinterested.

 

It's time for a split. Best case senerio, both of you will "wake up" before seperating. Worst case senerio, you will both have the freedom to persue the lives you want.

 

It's the 21 century. Marriage, committment, are out of fashion. It's the age of doing it if it feels good to you, and meets your current needs. Don't give your marriage a second thought. None of your friends have, right?

 

You didn't mention if children were involved, if so it's just tough for them, they will have to learn to live with it. Most families are one parent or "blended" these days anyway.

[pickle]

...all for responding! You are all 100% right. And No, no kids involved (thankfully). It's just been hard for me to move out. I have struggled financially for as long as I can remember, going to college working ****ty part time jobs, then ending up in sh*ty jobs paying on my $30k college loan for my useless BFA. But that's no excuse. I could've just left and gotten a roommate. Real reason is: I just couldn't except something once so great, so all-consuming was over. I've held it's memory, heart-broken, for too long. I should've let it go 10 yrs ago, or sooner.

 

We had breakfast this morning and I said "We have GOT to do something about our situation. It's gotten damnright ridiculous!" His typical reaction of course "God... do you HAVE to always go there??? Can't we just have a NICE conversation???" and then my usual response... "This is what happens. I bring it up, you shut it down. We never actually talk about it or resolve ANYTHING. It just drags out because YOU can't talk about it, or to me for that matter." BLA BLA BLA BLA BLAHHHHH............

 

Jesus.... I just need to move out, soon. It's just soooooo expensive here. I live in Seattle. It's like San Fran, cost of living is insanely high but with worse traffic. ALSO - We moved here together 3 yrs ago from Tn thinking it would refresh things with us & life in general. It didn't. But we fully depend on each other for help like broken down car, splitting grocery/rent $, talking about our job and bad/good days, etc... We have friends here, but no "close" friends or family we could "depend" on. That's hard to give up.

 

He tells me ALL the time.... You won't move out b/c you CAN'T. You couldn't afford to, but if you moved out for a while maybe we could resolve some things. He thinks NOW that I make good money and don't partially/occassionally depend on him he could "start to respect me". (he has a point there) but then I have MY points as well...

 

*If you guys don't mind, I HAVE to get this out - - - -

 

Things I DETEST about him that I cannot get past:

• His pot-smoking (which he's stopped for 5-6 months, temp I'm sure)
  
• his dry humorless anti-social personality (he blames on our relationship) Funny tho how I've kept MY personality! (can you ligitimately blame someone else for those things???)
  
• His GAWD-AWFUL redneck, stuck-in-the-80s, catty, prissy, lying b*tch of a sister who I HATE HATE HATE with a supernatural passion! who controls/manipulates his parents and entire family.
  
• His bi-polar, Dr.Jeckle/Mr.Hyde mood swings.
  
• His complete lack of imagination.
  
• His CONSTANT criticism (this morning he complained probably a dozen times over petty **** I was doing, like my posture, my laugh, how I pronounced a word, etc.)

But see... everybody's told me for yrs - "That's how marriage works. Sometimes you're in love:love: sometimes you're not:sick: Sex fades, looks fade, etc..." UGHHHHH!!!!! ARE YOU SH*TTING ME???????

 

WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT?????????

[norajane]

No, that's not how marriage works. That's how people who don't love each other and grow increasingly more and more resentful are with each other.

[shldknwbtr]

My marriage has been devoid of sexual attraction for several years and I have pondered leaving during this time. Yes, dutiful sex that sucks every few months is the norm here. We have been together for almost 10 years(since college) so cheating always seemed deplorable to me. This led to an emotional affair (no sex- too much guilt to do that) that took much energy to fix things when the dual life I was living was too much to bear. But recently I have begun to see why people cheat. I have just become involved with a married woman...so far we have been very reluctant to engage physically, but the attraction is INTENSE, advances are growing, and there is an emotional connection as well. Thing is, I WANT to go forward and cheat. I know this is wrong, but I don't care of the consequences. I have tried to do the honorable thing and leave my wife several times lately, but can't seem to get the courage to back up my convictions when she breaks down after I try to leave. I don't want to be that type of husband, but at the same time life is short and I don;t want to be this unfulfilled. Its not too late to start over with or without this other woman.

 

My advice to you is don't be a wuss like me. Get it out of your system and cheat, leave, or whatever...but indecision is agonizing. If you can't fix things at home, go get it somewhere else. That's where I am at, the ONLY thing stopping me is not my marriage but the fact that I don;t want to be a homewrecker for the other person. So the balls in her court...although I should probably walk away from her too for her sake and my conscience about what it would do to her.

 

The rush and attraction I have gotten with this other woman has awoken things in me that I haven't felt for years. Convenience, security, fear of being alone, history, are these really worth living the life of a nun or monk?

 

It comes down to 2 things: Have your cake and eat it too by cheating and trying to stay in an unhealthy marriage because you are afraid. Or, acknowledge that cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem, that the person you cheat with you will not likely end up with, and thus leaving is a jump and risk into the great unknown. But if I can get a great sex life back I think I might take that plunge myself.

[pickle]

shldknwbtr,

 

Yeah... I know all too well where you're at. Like I said at the end of the 1st post... I ended up hitting on someone, due to no physical contact and my guy declairing he wanted to leave b/c HE was attracted to other girls. I ended up letting my inhibitions go and started finding someone incredibly attractive, it progressed quickly to deep lust for this person. I was obsessed by thoughts of having sex with him every minute of the day. (funny thing is, he flirted heavily with me for months then rejected my offer b/c he secretly had a girlfriend. I was relieved actually) My near "infidelity" was indeed fueled by the hurt and the humiliation of being rejected for years and years. I mean... being turned down 100 times over several yrs wasn't something I would EVER imagine dealing with. It wasn't like I had gained weight or turned ugly or something. I just couldn't comprehend it!!!!!

 

I mean, honestly... I just can't read him at all. I don't know if he has ED or if it's due to his bipolar tendencies (he is an undiagnosed manic-depressive for sure!) or years of being a pothead? He says it's a combo of his 40-50 hr workload, failure to become a successful musician, our fighting and my sexual aggression. I said "That's bull****. I've always supported your music (TRUE) and we wouldn't fight if we would actually EVER HAVE SEX!!!!!!!! I mean SH*T! I thought the woman was supposed to be the prude!!! Wanting sex once a week or so is aggressive?????

 

After my last post I came home & said to him "THAT IS IT!!!!! I'M DONE! I WANT OUTA HERE ASAP! You go to the party w/out me while I stay and pack. I'll find somewhere to go TONIGHT. WE ARE DONE." I was actually very calm and unemotional, so much so that he knew I meant it.

He shocked me by saying "I know I've been a terrible friend and lover... I am sorry. I wish I was a better person. But I can't just let go of us that easy. I can't just discard our relationship so easily. I just hate my job, my life, myself. I wish I wasn't a failure. I really do love and want you."

 

So..... I don't know what to make of him or us at this point. It does make it easier that the "crush" I had months ago is 100% kaput.

 

ALSO - He got SUPER pissed last wk when I commented on purchasing an upgraded vibrator, ya know... a lifelike model. He even yelled "WHY DON'TCHA JUST GO F*CK SOMEBODY THEN!!!" I was like "Whaaaaaa??? jealous???? OF WHAT!!!!

 

So what about you shldknwbtr??? You are absolutely right about leaving someone for an affair relationship. If you two got together it would be very dysfunctial. I mean think about it... it's a terrible "new start". I think it's best to start fresh single for a while. The pros don't say it every day for nothing. The excitement that comes from a fling resides in our minds. It's just that those feelings have been suffocated. We'd probably be let down once reality set in. I later realised the "near fling guy" wasn't all that great. I had built ideas and fantasies WAY up in my head. I was WAY more into them than him. It would've been a letdown and probably a disaster.

I would be honest with your wife about the non-existant sex life being UNACCEPTABLE. (I am with you on THAT!!!) I say lay it on her! Are you sure you're totally done with your marriage? Is there anything your wife can do to change things?

[Mz. Pixie]

Pickle,

 

This is not situation for you to be in. It's no way to live.

 

Do not stay with him just because of money. Get a second job or hell a third to be able to get an apt and pay the rent. With no kids to take care of, you're in a prime position to do this.

 

Imagine the shock on his face when you move out!!!

 

Get a roommate if you have to. Your self respect is worth more than this crap- even if you have to scrape by.

 

My ex thought I couldn't leave him to- thought I couldn't afford it. But even with two kids I still made it. It was tough but I made it and I didn't ask him for a freaking dime. I would have rather become a stripper than grovel to him for a place to live or money.

 

Grow a set and get out of this mess!