Confusion and healing

[ab30]

I posted a while back after my 2 year relationship ended. It was his choice and not mine. 2 months have now passed and despite my initial hopes, we haven't got back together. In fact, we haven't even seen each other since the split. If any contact has been made, it's been by me. He normally responds but he's only once contacted me of his own accord. He's told me that he's not ready for us to meet up yet because 'things haven't changed enough for him yet' - god only knows what that means?!

 

Looking back on my first reactions (something i never want to experience again - omg the pain back then) I can see that I did make most of the major mistakes, like making contact and asking for another chance. In some cases this may work, but I believe this only caused even more damage and I'm ashamed of it. However, I'm pleased that the raw pain has gone and I do feel much better about life without him as my bf. I still have the odd moment of missing him and I do still often think about him, but there isn't that whole crazy sadness associated with it.

 

Although I wasn't entirely to blame for the problems we had, I was responsible for the most part. Shortly after the split I placed the blame on numerous things which i believed was true. Since then, I've been seeing my doctor and have been told that I had actually been suffering from an intollerance to caffeine! The effects (I used to only drink caffeine based drinks all day) caused me to have mood swings, paranoia, anxiety, sleep problems, etc etc - basically everything that caused my relationship to crumble. Could I be the only person who got dumped because of too much coffee? haha.

 

I don't know if this is something I should tell him? I guess part of me would want him to understand that I had been 'ill' but I don't want him to think it's a lie to get him back. I get the impression that he's convinced himself that I am a bit strange and maybe 'stalkerish' which really hurts me. I've always had issues with people not liking me especially if there reasons aren't at all valid. I just don't know. I guess I should just wait and if the time comes for us to meet up, then perhaps I can tell him then.

 

I've been on a couple of dates since the split - both great guys - one of which has become a great friend and the other is more recent and I'm waiting to see what happens next. I'm not rushing anything, but I've always lived by the theory that you should never rule something out and I know that I wouldn't get into a relationship if I felt that I was putting myself or the other party at risk. After experiencing this kind of break up, I'd never want to put anyone else through that.

 

The idea of my ex with someone else does still make my stomach turn, but friends have told me this is always the case, even after many years. My head feels all over the place with this and i only wish I'd gone to the Doctors a few months ago! who knows what would have happened.

 

I guess there isn't much for people to comment on, but I'd so appreciate some kind of thoughts on all this.

 

Thanks

[tearful_soul22]

I think there are very few people who have not experienced a heartbreak of some kind in their lives. We all know that relationships are critical to our well-being and therefore we invest huge amounts of emotional energy in them. When it ends....the feelings of loss become damaging especially if we relied on another person to bring us happiness and were so dependent on them to fulfill certain needs in our lives. It is truly upsetting..i, myself have been on N/C now for 8 months and somehow the pain lingers..but it's getting better with each passing day. We all make mistakes. You should allow yourself some time to properly heal. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best and i hope you'll never experience such painful event in your life ever again.

[ab30]

Thanks. I do feel generally much better, even after a few months. There are those days which for no reason are harder, but even those are less frequent.

 

What's hard for me now is knowing that his impression of who i am has changed so much. I feel that he's taken every negative thing I did and used it to convince himself that I'm this freaky person. Finding out that my mood swings, paranoia, anxiety etc were all part of an allergy has made me question if this is information that I should pass on to him. Does he have the right to know? would you want to know? or if you were in my situation would you also think about telling your ex?

 

I'm also confused by what he meant by 'Things haven't changed enough for me yet' - could it be that he still finds himself feeling very cautious about me? Is he still resentful of how i behaved? or is he finding that his life hasn't dramatically improved as he'd hoped after our break up?

 

Any thoughts?

[BannaBee57]

ab30,

 

I just had a very similar situation happen to me. I was just diagnosed with a hypoactive thyroid disorder which also causes people to have mood swings, anxiety, uneplainable anger and also causes people to pull away from the rest of the world due to depression.

I pushed him away thinking that he was what was making me feel so down. By the time I realised what was going on with me he had already moved on emotionally. I tried to get him to reconsider but he wasn't hearing it.

We've been broken up for a little over a month and I want to call him everyday and try to explain all of this to him but I know it probably won't make a difference and I can't bare to hear his voice right now (2 weeks of NC so far).

I think the best thing for us to do is go on living our lives and be happy that we found out what was wrong with us so that it did not continue to ruin all of our relationship.

If at some point you do become friendly with your ex then you can think about telling him...who know though, you could have a better relationship at that point and not even care if he knows the truth about what happened or not!

 

Good Luck,

Breanna