Another "Problems with GF's past" thread

[sockpuppet]

I know there have already been a few of these on these forums, but getting specific advice is always more helpful. I have to warn, this is going to be a very long post, please stick through it as I could really use some insight.

 

I'm 21, I started dating my current girlfriend 11 months ago when we met in a study abroad program. The last 3 months have been a distance thing, and this has when its all been at its worst, it'll continue to be more or less a distance thing for the next year until college is over.

 

I've had 2 sexual partners before her, a 3 1/2 year very unhealthy relationship that left me hurting in a lot of ways (cheated on twice and constantly deceived), and a short casual encounter with a girl in our study abroad group a little while before we became acquainted.

 

She's had 7 partners before me, at age 20. When I found this out I tried to take it in stride, but it really messed with me and I'm sure my initial feelings were 100% out of insecurity and jealousy. Since then though, it's gotten more complicated. We talked about it a lot, and she told me basically her whole history (admittedly too much info) and it's left me wondering what kind of girl she was before she met me. I'm going to post her history here to give an idea of what I'm talking about.

 

• First guy- 16 years old, about a year relationship, last few months cheated on her when it became a distance thing.
  
• Second guy- rebound that she fell for in the end, but broke up with her right before she left for college because he didn't want a distance thing.
  
• Here the crazy time begins- she had a one night stand with a guy halfway through the year, while being really drunk.
  
• Fourth guy- 2 months later, she dated a guy for a month, slept with him near the end, he got booted out of the school and moved across the country.
  
• Fifth guy- 2 months later, she was hanging out with a friend from her hometown a lot and one night, he said he had feelings for her, she'd had a crush on him, that night they had sex. She said she thought it'd turn into a relationship but found out he wasn't interested.
  
• Sixth guy- 2 months later, best friend at home in a summer fling, it fizzled when they could never see eachother once back at school.
  
• Seventh guy- she dated a guy as crazy and manipulative as MY crazy ex, dated him for about 6-7 months, broke up with him soon before meeting me.

I made a few of them bold because that was a period in which she was with 4 guys in 6 months her freshman year of college...This is what I've been having a hard time dealing with and have unfortunately judged her on. It just screams, "stereotypical easy college girl" to me, as unfair of me that is. It just seems like she was looking for outside validation and that kind of thing is a big turnoff to me. She said that in relationships always meant something to her, but at the same time it was never "a big thing".

 

She's absolutely beautiful, and very sweet, and loyal, and loving. Which is why I'm struggling now. I'm also bothered by the fact that she smoked pot for a while, which could probably seem silly as well.

 

 

-----------------If you want to reply to this part and are sick of reading, you may not want to go on, the next part is more about me--------------

 

Now I've been trying to figure out why this is bothering me and what I can do to fix it. Our relationship was perfect in all ways before I found this stuff out.

 

I know a certain amount of jealousy is involved. I also know that I'm not entirely secure.

 

My ex cheating on me probably had a big part in my current problems, but on top of that, I've just generally had a VERY rough 3 years of college and even a bad time in high school before that. I had some low confidence and became very socially isolated, the schools I went to weren't very conducive to partying and I was slow getting into drinking. I just haven't yet had "the college experience" and I'm pretty bitter at having wasted 3 years of my life on an unheatlhy relationship and another 2 years being anti social.

 

Hearing about my girlfriend's past exacerbated my feelings of bitterness. I'm very jealous of her for having had so many opportunities.

 

I'm a pretty conservative, old-fashioned guy. I have no intention of seeking out a virgin, but I care more when a girl has a strong sense of self-identity and confidence, and knows what she's worth and is selective if she really values sex. My girlfriend did have a run of bad luck early on with guys dumping her, but she was so quick to jump right back into relationships that it just seems like she maybe was lacking some identity, which is normal for people at that time but its hard for me to swallow, mostly because of my own jealousy.

 

 

Basically, I have an issue with the idea of the kind of girl she might have been between the sex and pot smoking, but at the same time I know most of the reason I care as much as I do is because I'm jealous and now I'm even unsure of myself---maybe if I'd put myself out there for more of those experiences, I'd be more confident and accepting? I shut myself off from that kind of thing and am judgmental as a result. I know right now I'm turned off by the wild-college-partying-girls I am around, as well as casual sex, but if my girlfriend is so wonderful, maybe I should re-evaluate myself and work on getting myself not to be so jealous and insecure?

 

And lastly, if I do need to experience these things, I'm stressing about whether that involves a necessity to break up, if sex with more people is actually required for me to change my perspective...sigh.

 

 

If you made it this far, I respect you, thanks in advance.

[superconductor]

The long and short of it is that the past is carved in stone. We already know that. Can't be changed even if she wanted to, etc. etc.

 

But this is actually very good for you. (I've been through similar experiences, and it took a metaphorical smack upside the head to get me to figure it out.)

 

Point is, it's obvious that other men find her very attractive. But she's not with other men; she's with you. She could have pretty much anyone she wants, but she chose you instead.

[sockpuppet]

Thanks for the response.

 

I understand what you're saying...I've tried to be as open as possible in this whole issue. I've rationally been telling myself that I shouldn't care, but been fighting with a combination of upbringing and jealousy that tells me otherwise.

 

I guess I'm just at a crossroads, because I know there's a change in perception necessary for me to be happy, and I'm just wondering what it is...It's looking more and more like I'll lose her in the process which saddens me.

[Grrr]

Sounds as though this is not an easy college girl personally to me... it seems more like she may have been slightly naive....

 

Did you not notice, that in 5 of them, she thought there was potential, and really liked them obviously, but they ended for a reason? yeah, she had a one night stand, that was a mistake you should forgive though... she was young, drunk, and even if she wasnt it is completely her choice. And lastly. she was with the guy for months, and you have something in common in the sense of the way he treated her.

 

Personally, for me, its harder from me to get over my partnet having a serious relationship than afew meaningless ones. You dont know how yours affected her, yeah shes had a few more, but she did not have to tell you, she confided in you. She was honest, maybe brutally, but she was. You need to seriously stop thinking about it, no amount of thinking, complaining and arguing will change the past. Its either stop thinking about if if you feel you can get past it, or stop dating... because im pretty sure she wont want to be reminded of it everyday.

[Rikka]

Hmmmm, sticky situation. They always say curiosity killed the cat. I guess they say that for a reason. Like Superconductor said, the past is the past. It can't be changed for anything. She is with you and that is what you need to focus on. Forget who she "might" have been. Her past has helped her to become the girl you care about today. Forget what once was(or might have been), she is who she is TODAY, with YOU.

 

You are right, this is more an issue with you - how you are perceiving this, reacting to this and analyzing it. You have to stop. Just let things be (easier said than done huh?). Jealousy is a natural feeling, and you are correct in identifying the source. Only you can address it. I can't suggest to you how to get over that feeling. But I would suggest that you stop analyzing the situation (especially fixating on HER and her past character - you have no idea what she was thinking, feeling, expecting, experiencing).

 

Only you can decide what the answer is (breaking up with her to gain more experience OR staying with her). This is a personal battle you are waging (and it honestly has nothing to do with her or her past). Good luck

[norajane]

She's not wild-college-partying girl. She's a woman with many facets to her personality and character, which you are mostly ignoring in order to focus on some things that happened when she was vulnerable.

 

Focus on who she is now, and how she is with you, and the quality of your relationship. Meeting up with a string of losers at one time probably makes her appreciate you even more.

 

Why not let good things into your life instead of seeking out reasons to turn those good things into bad in your mind? Are you afraid of happiness and love?

[sockpuppet]

I admit100% it's on my end and that there's nothing wrong with her, and there's no negative reflection of her based on her past.

 

I'm just jealous, and I don't know how not to be. I don't know how not to view 5 more people than me at this point as a lot, and I don't know how to not care about this kind of thing. I have this little voice that's telling me I should forget the long distance thing and go out and get all the action I supposedly feel like I need, but I don't know if that's what I really need, and I can't see throwing a relationship away like that when there's no problem outside of my own issue.

 

It's just, I'm in my last year and a half (i'm going to be a super-senior) of college, and I feel like after regretting so much of college already, I'll regret this year if I don't just 'break out' of my old habits and try something new, I'm just afraid that trying something new will conflict with our relationship. I don't want to throw the relationship away assuming it will however, since I do honestly love her and think she's great for me all this aside.

[norajane]

Well you can't be with her and go out and sleep with other women just to even the score.

 

What are you jealous of - that she had bad sex with some guys she never saw again, or that you haven't had sex with a bunch of people you don't care about?

[sockpuppet]

I have no intention of sleeping around while I'm dating her, that's why this decision is stressing me out so much recently.

 

I'm jealous of her for having sexual experiences with (what I perceive as) significantly more people than me. I just feel like I'm missing something as a result, not on the outside but on the inside. As you can probably tell this goes much deeper with me than this current relationship.

 

There is the possibility that I'm not secure enough to maintain my part of this relationship, but I want to exhaust every possibility in trying to work it out before I call it quits. Obviously before the relationship I'd imagined myself sleeping with more people over the course of time, but I've never felt this urgent need to do so that finding out about our discrepancy has instilled in me, exacerbated by the fact that its a distance thing for the next year.

 

I don't know if it's mostly my own jealousy/insecurity, or a random desire to get out there and date around more casually, or maybe a combination of both, I've just been having a hell of a time trying to get myself over it.

[norajane]

I guess you've never had bad sex with a one night stand where they never call you again. That's not a 'sexual experience'; that's a trauma that leaves you feeling worthless. That's not something you 'miss out' on; that's something you should be relieved you haven't been forced to feel. It's really too bad that it's sounding like you're going to be just one more dick that she's has the misfortune to be with. She probably thought she finally got lucky and was with someone who was going to value her and her relationship with you.

 

Would you be feeling this need to get out there and screw some more women if her numbers matched yours? Or is just that her number is higher than yours that's making you crazy?

[sockpuppet]

I'm sure if her number was lower I'd be having an easier time on the jealousy and be feeling less urgency in the idea of being with more people, but I doubt that's the root reason.

 

Obviously theres some mixture of jealousy/insecurity/lack of self confidence here that's plaguing me and driving this whole issue, I'm just working to find a way to work to fix it. I don't WANT to be just another guy and another regret for her.

[norajane]

If insecurity and lack of self-confidence are at the root of your problem, beleive me, screwing women just for the sake of having sex is only going to make your insecurity rise and self-confidence plummet.

[sockpuppet]

I'm aware of that, and that's why I haven't acted on that feeling, I know it wouldn't actually solve anything in the long run. I'm just trying to find ways to work through those negative feelings at this point.

[lovelorcet]

First off my personal option is her past is not really that bad at all. She was looking for a relationship and played the field a little bit and got burned a few times. Let me tell you from first hand experience that it is so much better to have a situation like you have then having a girl who sits around and thinks she missed out on something.

 

So she knows there are a few dirt bags out there and if you really are as kind a gentleman like you seem then she will know even more how precious that is.

 

Don't beat youeself up about this stuff too much, take her how she is and she will love you even more for it...

[Hitman10000]

The past is kinda the past, if it bugs you this much then it'll bug you more in the future. Dump her if you must because your feelings will get in the way of having a relationship with her. One thing for sure is be glad she is telling you all of this, she probably has more skeletons in the closet and when a girl brings them out it's always good to me cause I see her now and see her then and see how much she's matured.

[shoedevil]

You seem to be somewhat conflicted in how you feel...

Hearing about my girlfriend's past exacerbated my feelings of bitterness. I'm very jealous of her for having had so many opportunities.

If the issue is mere jealousy on your part, then it's up to you to internalize your feelings and accept what she's done. The past is the past (duh), but that doesn't mean it didn't happen or does not matter (especially to you). Just because she's with you now doesn't mean she will stay for the long haul. I've had friends who were burned badly because they were that naive. However, feeling like you have to compete with her sexually by sleeping with other people will certainly end your current relationship. Is that really what you want?

I'm a pretty conservative, old-fashioned guy. I have no intention of seeking out a virgin, but I care more when a girl has a strong sense of self-identity and confidence, and knows what she's worth and is selective if she really values sex.

If the issue is her past behavior being unethical in your mind, then the problem lies with her to an extent. Knowing what she did, can you look at her as marriage material? Can you truly respect and admire her for everything she's done? Would she make a good role model for your children (if it ever comes to that)? I feel that peoples' choices make up who they are, and no amount of excuses can get around the reality of what people do.

 

It won't be easy to get to the root of the problem. I went through a similar situation with my girlfriend, but to a lesser extent. Knowing the truth about someone is preferable to sticking your head in the sand and hoping for the best. Relationships succeed because the two partners are open and honest about who they are and where they've been. Sexual compatiblity is an important component in any relationship (not the most important, IMO). Do you think that you're truly compatible with your girlfriend on all levels?

[CrushedOrgans]

the same people who get pissed at the truth are the same people who would be pissed if they were lied to in order to spare their feelings and avoid unnecessary drama. and yes it is unnecessary drama because you can't do anything about what someone else has done in the past.

 

 

sleeping with a bunch of people to "catch up" with her would be cheating on her. she didn't cheat on you. grow up.

 

moral of the story: don't ask questions that you really don't want the answers to.

[shoedevil]

the same people who get pissed at the truth are the same people who would be pissed if they were lied to in order to spare their feelings and avoid unnecessary drama. and yes it is unnecessary drama because you can't do anything about what someone else has done in the past.

That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't know the truth. And he can do something about it: accept her in spite of it or leave her because of it. His options aren't limited. It's within his rights as an individual to be with someone who makes him truly happy.

moral of the story: don't ask questions that you really don't want the answers to.

When did he say he regrets asking? Would this "moral" hold if this was about someone's past criminal record or something like that?

[blind_otter]

Aside from the single one nights stand, as far as I can tell from this brief narrative, the rest of the encounters occured with the understanding that she wanted a relationship -- and circumstances out of her control, as well as the men that she chose to admire, did not respond in kind.

 

So it's not necessarily that she slept with all these random people, it's kind of tragic that she kept making an effort to establish a relationship and for 6 months was continually thwarted by the man involved/external forces.

 

IME when you have negative thought patterns that are mildly compulsive, like jealousy, there are options but what has worked for me may not be acceptible to you. Try to visualize your GF as a person who, like you, wants happiness and doesn't want suffering. As someone who wants to find a lasting love but has had difficulties, just like you -- but in different areas of her personal life. While you achieved longterm committment, but were betrayed by a trusted partner, she sought longterm committment but was never able to see the fruition of her effort and intention.

 

It's all about re-framing the way you cognitively view the situation. Our minds can trick us, sometimes, into passionately clinging to thought patterns that end upbeing self-sabotage. If she loves you, you love her, and she is a person of value and worth to you then it is worth the effort to examine your bias. Just don't let yourself fall into a trap of excessive self reflection, because that can paralyze you.

[CrushedOrgans]

That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't know the truth. And he can do something about it: accept her in spite of it or leave her because of it. His options aren't limited. It's within his rights as an individual to be with someone who makes him truly happy.

 

When did he say he regrets asking? Would this "moral" hold if this was about someone's past criminal record or something like that?

 

a criminal record is a little different than past sexual history. yeah, i know, std's and all that, but come on.

 

i agree with you that it is his right to be with someone who makes him truly happy. that's why we have a choice in who we want to be with.

 

and i never said he must regret asking her the question. but seeing as how he took the answer, well, there you go. he must have known beforehand how he would feel about a girl who was with more guys than he thinks she should have been with. now he knows. and he's not happy.

 

we seem to agree on all points except comparing having sex to being a criminal.

 

it would be nice if we could all meet the loves of our lives the first time, but unfortunately, we all don't. so, yes, he can move on or deal with it. trying to "catch up" with her number of guys is just immature and hypocritical, not to mention purposely hurting her to make himself feel better. he is taking her past personally when it NEVER had anything to do with him. it should not be one of his "options." it sucks that there are people out there who think this way, simply because they can't control someone's past. yuck.

[Moai]

I know it is easier said than done, but she doesn't have that much of a sexual past. Sure, she has more "experience" than you, but so what? There are women out there her age that have three times that number--and the number doesn't really matter.

 

It's just sex, after all. From your description she doesn't sound like she's "easy" in the least, nor does it sound like she uses sex to get affection or a self-esteem boost. I know how you feel, though, because you imagine how you would feel about her if you were one of the guys, and you don't want to feel that way about her, because you care about her.

 

She's with you, not them. They are actually the ones who missed out on having a great relationship with a great girl, which YOU have an opportunity for. That fact should have you stoked! Everyone makes mistakes--if you even want to count her history as "mistakes"--it is whether or not you learn from them that matters.

 

I am close friends with some of my girlfriend's ex-boyfriends, and it doesn't bother me at all. She is still friends with them (I was friends with them before I met her) and they all think she is awesome. Not a bad word to say about her. I am not sure how many she had sex with, and I don't care. She is with me now, I love her, and I am the only one out of all of them that really gets her and sees her for the incredible human being she is. In short, I WIN! All of her past is just experiences that made her who she is, who happens to be the woman I love more than anything.

 

You are smart to see it as a security issues within yourself. Work on that. It should make you feel secure in that with all she has been through, she still wants a relationship with you. She sees more in you than you see in yourself, at this point. Follow her lead, and see yourself as she sees you. Then you will be able to see her for who she is. Which is bitchin' if you can do it.

[CrushedOrgans]

I know it is easier said than done, but she doesn't have that much of a sexual past. Sure, she has more "experience" than you, but so what? There are women out there her age that have three times that number--and the number doesn't really matter.

 

well put. i think the original poster should keep in mind that there are other men who won't even care when they find out that she was with 8 guys...

[sockpuppet]

Aside from the single one nights stand, as far as I can tell from this brief narrative, the rest of the encounters occured with the understanding that she wanted a relationship -- and circumstances out of her control, as well as the men that she chose to admire, did not respond in kind.

 

So it's not necessarily that she slept with all these random people, it's kind of tragic that she kept making an effort to establish a relationship and for 6 months was continually thwarted by the man involved/external forces.

 

IME when you have negative thought patterns that are mildly compulsive, like jealousy, there are options but what has worked for me may not be acceptible to you. Try to visualize your GF as a person who, like you, wants happiness and doesn't want suffering. As someone who wants to find a lasting love but has had difficulties, just like you -- but in different areas of her personal life. While you achieved longterm committment, but were betrayed by a trusted partner, she sought longterm committment but was never able to see the fruition of her effort and intention.

 

It's all about re-framing the way you cognitively view the situation. Our minds can trick us, sometimes, into passionately clinging to thought patterns that end upbeing self-sabotage. If she loves you, you love her, and she is a person of value and worth to you then it is worth the effort to examine your bias. Just don't let yourself fall into a trap of excessive self reflection, because that can paralyze you.

 

This hits the nail pretty well on the head...To everyone who read this post, please note that the whole first half of the post (the idea of a problem with her) was intended as just to show the progression of my reaction to the issue, I have bounced back and forth between seeing it as an issue with her and one with myself, but I ultimately know its with me.

 

I am stuck in a very negative jealous mindset that's interpreting everything in a way that makes it worse for me to think about. On top of that, I know waaaaay too much info due to my attempts to quell a creative imagination only to find knowing the facts can be just as bad.

 

I never thought I'd care about that kind of thing in a girl, in fact a lot of the time I still don't, but then a wave comes over me and I'm right back in it again.

 

To the people who are telling me to grow up--- I'm trying! I know it's immature, I know it's irrational, and I never stated any intentions to "catch up" by cheating, if anything it would've been a necessity to end the relationship that I'm obviously not emotionally ready to handle and follow the impulses that seem to be pushing my thoughts.

 

I recognize right now I'm just not a very rational person. I'm trying hard, I'm holding onto every happy idea of her so that these jealous feelings don't overcome me. Honestly, I don't know how it's going to turn out. I know I love her, I know she deserves to be treated right, and I know I'd like to do that. But when I'm feeling this way, I'm fighting an inner voice within myself that's telling me, "look, look at all the experience she's had, maybe you should have more.."

 

^There's a lot of little things at work in me here, and I don't have the time or the space or the desire to bore you all with what's caused me to have such issues. My big abusive relationship was probably the biggest cause of me just having general insecurity, a LOT of regrets and bitterness, and some esteem issues. But also, in the past I guess I've been a very b-type personality. I've just lacked confidence a lot, been the nice guy, and been screwed over by the a-types a lot. The funny thing is, it really is more about how you view yourself, because many times people saw me as an a-type but I dragged myself down, and as a result its caused me to miss out on a lot.

 

A side effect of all this is the desire to just be one of the stereotypical types that people here are saying I should not want to be, which is true. What I'm afraid of though, is that I may end up going through a stupid phase like that to reaffirm what I really want.

 

All I know is I love her, and the chances are regardless of number I'd be questioning a tiny bit whether or not I was sure I'd be comfortable with this distance thing, but the number thing takes that and adds to the argument against why I shouldn't as well as making me jealous and insecure. It just makes the idea of being "the stud" attractive, even though I know it'd ultimately be unfulfilling. I love my girl, and I'm usually fine with things until I think of sex not as "just sex" but as something more that she somehow has over me since she's been with more.

 

I'm visualizing myself as the nerd who's never had a girlfriend and gets with the prom queen. I'm nothing like this, and I think people I know would laugh if I suggested this. I'm just trying to fight the feelings that are causing my jealousy everytime I think of her sex life at all, and that are causing me to want to break up just to even the score as a result.

 

I need something to change my outlook, I'm just hoping it'll come soon, or else I'll go nuts with debating with myself

 

Thanks for all your responses, you all are great.

 

 

Edit: To add to the prom queen nerd image that's so stupid...when I'm jealous, I don't think of her as a girl who was looking for love and got hurt, I look as an intimidated onlooker watches the girl everyone wants just have the time of her life with people. I am jealous that she had those opportunities, its terrible.

[sockpuppet]

It's just crazy...a total switch in feeling can happen in minutes...I'll be fine, content. Then I think of all that, and BAM! all I want to do is be single and looking for notches of my own. I need a way out of this feeling, indulging in it would be stupid.

[blind_otter]

It's just crazy...a total switch in feeling can happen in minutes...I'll be fine, content. Then I think of all that, and BAM! all I want to do is be single and looking for notches of my own. I need a way out of this feeling, indulging in it would be stupid.

 

They way out of this feeling lies within your control, and it's the illusion of your lack of control that is tormenting you...but you can destroy that illusion with a single blow.

 

A lot of times we think of ourselves as pinballs bumping around from thought to thought, and coping continually with the emotional reactions that bubble up from those thoughts. Honestly, though, if you sit quietly for a moment and observe your thoughts without attaching to any specific ones, without allowing the emotional reaction that grabs your attention -- you realize that your thoughts are like a stream, flowing endlessly, and you have A LOT of thoughts that go through your mind.

 

It's your choice, though, which ones affect you and grab your attention. Sort of like eyewitness accounts of crimes - once a suggestion has been put into their heads those eyewitnesses will suddenly "remember" things that seem to lean towards that suggestion.

 

It's difficult to accept that our mind plays tricks on us, but that's exactly what it does. Whatever you allow yourself to focus on, you will suddenly find all sorts of confirmation of that bias you have created. You will find what you are looking for, but thank god it's your choice to look in any given direction.

 

Have faith, sockpuppet. Have faith in yourself, and have faith in your love. And with the intention clear that you want to conquer these negative thought patterns in your head, you will do so. Be patient and go easy on yourself.