KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 They often act out inappropriately sexually. Mz P. I am dealing with an N. (This would be my MM, if you've been following my story.) Can you please, please elaborate on the the above statement? I will tell you what I've experienced with him afterward. Many thanks! [addendum: Actually, if anyone else knows what Mz P is talking about, please enlighten me.]
Author jonesgirly Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Then when our wankers (do you know what that means?) Yah...at first thought I assumed it was slang for 'jack-ing off'. So I Googled it, and the word means "those who masturbate.":cool: But, according to Wikipedia, its also used for a meaning similar to 'arsehole'. I pretty much knew that it was "negative", and that it definitely applied here. That aside, my struggle for over a year has definitely come to its natural conclusion. I've known all along that my "H" treated me with very little respect. He confirmed my suspicions earlier this evening. He felt that when I told him of my indiscretion that occured more than 10 years ago (before I was even WITH him), I seemed as though I was 'bragging', or 'joking' when I told him of this experience. He stated that he hasn't looked at me the same since then. I replied that it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to regain 'respect' for someone. In fact, in MY experience, once you no longer respect a person, there is nothing that can be done (to re-respect them). I told him that I wished he had told me this a year ago. What a waste of MY freaking life! A man who proclaimed to love me, wanted to cherish and protect me.............Lost all respect for me because of something I told him about 'myself'' !!!!!! What a judge-freaking-mental person he is. I thought to myself "gee...how in the hell could anyone respect YOU, given that you're such a goddamned judgemental, lying sonofabitch?" I'm leaving for the weekend, as I cannot bear to waste ONE MORE MINUTE on this piece of 'crap.' How DARE he judge others when he, himself conducts himself in a way "less-than-ideal" manner as a husband? And I don't think he's 'gaslighting' either - he truly does not have any respect for me. It explains everything - he was never worried about losing 'me' - what ta hell - I guess he'd rather be alone that with someone whon he doesn't "respect." What a dickwad wanking toss pot. Jesus H. Christ - you'd think he was the actual embodiement of our "lord" ! I cannot believe he was such a shallow, self-centered, egotistical, judgmental SOB. He should try looking at himself.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Mz P. I am dealing with an N. (This would be my MM, if you've been following my story.) Can you please, please elaborate on the the above statement? I will tell you what I've experienced with him afterward. Many thanks! [addendum: Actually, if anyone else knows what Mz P is talking about, please enlighten me.] They often use sex to get what they want- sometimes having sex with different partners etc. Affairs, you know that kind of stuff. When my parents were divorced my mother would call my dad up on his radio. They worked at the same place- she was a secretary and he was a serviceman. She would suggest they meet for sex at lunch. So, she was jerking him around but he'd go over there to have sex with her. Then, when they would get back to work she'd run crying into the boss' office and tell them he wouldn't leave her alone- and cause him to get in trouble. Have you been to bpdcentral.com?? There is great info there. Check it out. You can also google narcassistic personality disorder. Has your H been formally diagnosed?? Because I caution you to label him just on the fact that he's selfish (if I remember correctly that's why you were attracted to the other man?). My exhusband was incredibly selfish- but he didn't rage out of control, rewrite the truth, gaslight and such like a narcassist.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Has your H been formally diagnosed?? Because I caution you to label him just on the fact that he's selfish (if I remember correctly that's why you were attracted to the other man?). My exhusband was incredibly selfish- but he didn't rage out of control, rewrite the truth, gaslight and such like a narcassist. Mz P. Many thanks for your reply. My husband is pretty selfish, yes; however, I am suspecting that the other man is not far off, and could be an Narcissist. When you mentioned that narcissists are odd sexually, my OM popped into mind. Here's his deal: he would have oral sex but not the actual intercourse with women who are not his wife. He likes the power he has to say 'no' when it comes to sex. He likes to use sex to control a situation! How pathologic is that?! JG, sorry about hijacking your post.
Author jonesgirly Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 JG, sorry about hijacking your post Not a problem....I'm sure everyone would agree that jonesgirly is a push-over
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 What a dickwad wanking toss pot. That's a great name to call him!
Author jonesgirly Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 That's a great name to call him! Yep..and I will need to hang on to the truth of 'him' during the next few weeks. I've left him, at least for the 'near' forseeable future. I cannot take living with a person that I gave my "all" to, and whom decides that I am not what worthy of respect, let alone love.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 JG, I don't know if you've said you've tried marriage counseling or not. Would you give it a try? My H and I have regular MC and we are doing better.
Guest Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 "Here's a funny - our MC called and left a message for ME last night, wondering how I was doing, etc. HE JUST DOES NOT GET IT. The MC totally understood what the situation is here - she WATCHED him in action and was appalled. She also expressed disappointment with HIM regarding his lack of truthfulness when he saw her as an IC last Fall. Of course, the only thing HE heard during counseling was that "I" needed to deal with my anger. And I think I'm doing just 'fine' with my anger - its directed exactly towards the person who creates it. Yeah, I know anger is actually 'hurt' with its sunday-best outfit on, so there's no need to go there. She also indicated that she understood my anger, frustration, etc. with him. She DIDN'T call HIM to find out how HE was 'coping' with the situation." Thats from her early posts page 1. I think she already tried that.
Author jonesgirly Posted September 10, 2006 Author Posted September 10, 2006 KnowHowLoveFeels....yep, as guest quoted, we did go to MC. Although she was admittedly not a 'specialist' in marriage counseling. She was first my H's IC, then I saw her, then we saw her together. He isn't the 'type' to benefit from MC (or IC, for that matter). He wasn't truthful with her when he first saw her last Fall (and she is still ticked about that), and really isn't willing to 'listen' to anyone. I spent this weekend away from home, and felt better than I have in a LONG time. I actually dreaded coming back here this afternoon, but had to because of that pesky 'job' thing I do all week. Nothing has changed, nothing ever will. He remains angry at me, I guess because I don't just "forget" all his lies and BS. His only question was: "How do I know that you didn't spend the weekend with someone?" To which I replied: "I guess you don't." I guess if he had called and inquired as to my whereabouts, it would've seemed a little more sincere I guess you never give up hope that he would somehow "realize" what he's done, call me, beg me to come home, and actually SEEM like he was sorry by being HONEST and CARING and HUMAN! Okay, I know, enough of those 'dreams.' We DID have a rather frenzied text-message party late Saturday evening. Of course, his messages reiterated his frustration that "I" will not LET him do anything to repair this. When asked if his continued lies for the past year and half was what he meant by 'repair', he would just say that "I" am never going to get past this. I asked him what 'allowed' him to be so rude to the person he inflicted such hurt upon. What a joke. I don't even have the desire to speak with him about personal matters any more. He's such an arrogant, insensitive, egotistical maniac that its nearly impossible for him to hear ANYONE! He cares about himself, and thats it. I did tell him that I really didn't want to talk to him until he could be 'honest' with me. Its never gonna happen, I know. I told him that he KNEW what I wanted, and if he couldn't "do" it, then I really didn't want to bother talking about anything. I'm happier now than I've been in a LONG time, and feel like my life is getting back to normal. I'm no longer concerned about 'him' and what he's 'doing.' He can email or call whomever, he can flirt with whomever, he can pursue whomever, and he can forget he's married every single moment of the day. Doesn't matter and hasn't mattered to him since day one. I've seen a lawyer twice, and have another appointment this week. He (the lawyer) knows that I am at my breaking point, and is trying really hard to be objective with me. He indicated that he could easily subpeona my H's telephone records from his work phone (he's done it before), because I believe he quit using his cellphone to contact the G/F and calls from work now. I'm not going to bother, because I already know the answer....of COURSE he does! I talked to my mom today about the situation too. That was a biggie for me, because she was the LAST person I wanted to stress-out over this mess. I didn't tell her everything, but some. I just hate to make her worry about me, and she's got a lot going on herself. But she made me feel better. My Husband can HAVE his on-line personal ad girlfriends, his little white-trash girlfriend, all his lies, all his blaming of the world, all his anger, and all his bullsht for himself. I hope he's happy and I hope he finds someone who will tolerate it. Just ain't gonna be me, I deserve much better.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 .My Husband can HAVE his on-line personal ad girlfriends, his little white-trash girlfriend, all his lies, all his blaming of the world, all his anger, and all his bullsht for himself. I hope he's happy and I hope he finds someone who will tolerate it. Just ain't gonna be me, I deserve much better. JG, Sorry, I don't know your full story. Your H has an online personal ad?? From what you've posted, there seems to be a lot of anger from both ends. For some reason, he seems to hate you as much as you hate him. Did you guys address each other's anger during MC? What does he want from you? (It seems that he's more ticked off than simply wanting to move on.)
Author jonesgirly Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 "Hate" may be too strong of a word for me, though I do feel it from my husband. I'm not sure why (given the circumstances), other than I am the first person in his life strong enough to actually 'call him' on his bullsht and not accept his dishonesty as 'facts'. I am not a hateful person, and I've told my husband all along that I love him and will always love him, regardless of where we 'end up'. He knows that I am that type of person. I AM angry at my H for the way he's treated me. I am most angry that he couldn't be a real 'man' and OWN what he's done. If you read some of my earlier posts, you will get a real good idea of how far this guy will go to gaslight me. Sometimes when I read my early posts, I sound like such a naive little girl... when all here at LS are saying "there's more to this story!" and I SOOOO wanted to believe my husband was being truthful with me. But he wasn't.. He's seriously passive-aggressive, has narcissistic tendancies (per our counselor), and is basically a cold son-of-a-biatch when a person doesn't just ADORE his every move. He's lied about big things, lied about little things, and just doesn't seem to have the capacity to accept personal responsibility for destroying our marriage. I believe he sees me as mainly a trophy-wife or a possession of sorts. Okay, I'm not a trophy-wife type. Well, I'm not that bad. Really, KnowHowLoveFeels, if you're ever bored, click on my user name and read the threads started by me. Its hilarious to me now, given that so many more facts have been uncovered, but the arrest for DV, etc are such distant, fond memories................
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 JG, I skimmed through some of your old posts. So you've been married since 2002? And no children were produced.... I'm not saying that you can leave this lying SOB, but there's really nothing stopping you, is there? I understand that you may still love him, but he can't be that in love with you if he was having an affair for half the time that you've been married! People who've only been married for 2 years should still be mad with lust!! I'm just saying. It is still up to your decision. I long to leave my H. But we've been together 10 years, and produced 3 kids. It's not so easy to separate our belongings now. From his behavior, I get the sense that he has a lot of pent up resentment toward you.... If he really wants to work on the M, he'd really have to spill it out and you'd have to listen to it without being defensive! That is where MC should help you. However, he could be just the lazy, lying wanker that you make him out to be. (It's hard to tell from just your side of the story.) Good luck. Stay strong no matter what.
sylviaguardian Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Hi gals, Yes, I'm still here and still with the other total wanker!! Was doing ok-ish but I'm in a bad mood today so mind if I join the vent fest? We went for our first MC appointment last week. Was OK, the counsellor is nice. I have to laugh because I'm sure WS thinks the counsellor is going to tell me what a bitch I am and how I'm impossible to live with:lmao: It's funny how his lame excuses sound even lamer in front of a third person Also, funny how even she doesn't just accept the things he says to her ( and she's not a raving psycho depressive bitch like me!). She actually asked him if he was the most important person in his world. I could see him panic because he was thinking 'Of course, I am but what do I say to get round it?' Anyway, I digress. I am pissed (US readers) off (UK parlance) today because last night the usual happened. I am lying in bed thinking of all the bits in the story that don't fit together and I decide to tell my husband once more, that I really need to hear the truth. Anyway, there's the usual I told you the truth, you're driving me crazy etc and I won't back down. Then suddenly he gets mad and upset and explains the incident in question properly. Through doing this he has to tell me that I don't understand what it was like, that it wasn't all great, bits of it were really hard etc. I couldn't understand him at first but then I realised he was admitting that she had really hurt him through something she had done at the time and that made him cool things off a bit and that she used to regularly get upset at him. He also admitted that if she hadn't the thing, the relationship would have continued as it was (i.e. WANKING each other off in the car park). Last night I was quite please that he told me the truth but this morning I realised that he was nearly crying over her. I am pissed off. Every time he tells me a bit of the truth it makes me realise how much **** he has told me about the other stuff. And this is over 2 years later now. Will he ever get the 'honesty' bit? The best bit is that I come away from the discussions feeling like I am a bit of a pervert, you know prying into someone else's love life. Today I really am disgruntled which is a shame as week I felt a bit better. Sometimes I really do wonder why I picked this brainless troglodyte to waste my love on;) syl
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