mopar crazy Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 this is, I have walked on both sides of the fence. I have been a BS and an OW. I have made it quite clear that I have also shared in the pain as a BS. What is worse? NEITHER! Each side has equally the same pain! Not the same reasons, but the SAME PAIN! This is what I commented on. I didn't have time to read through the whole thread. I know what I would live w/, NEVER EVER being the OW again, ever. It wasn't about the pain as the OW, it was about treating myself w/ more respect and not being used. As the OW we were friends, and lovers but he didn't want to make a commitment to me b/c he already had one w/ someone else. I was just a side **** when she was away. If, by any chance, my H does have another A I will end the M. His ass will be out the door. I took that chance in taking him back b/c of the love, the 11 years of M and our children. It was hard to throw it all away over a short term A. Now, if it had been a year or longer, I don't really know if I could of taken him back. I guess that is something I wouldn't know until it happened. No one can describe the pain another feels. Pain is pain, I agree, but the pain I felt as a BW was a lot stronger than the pain as the OW. What hurts worse, a paper cut or slamming your thumb w/ a hammer? One person can say a paper cut feels worse to them, while another says slamming a hammer on your thumb is worse. It's both pain.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 BS pain probably is more long term than the OW pain. Both painful, but the BS has had alot more to depth, more time invested, a history, family entwined, created children together (if any), friends, a house, neighbours, a whole life built...
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 BS pain probably is more long term than the OW pain. Both painful, but the BS has had alot more to depth, more time invested, a history, family entwined, created children together (if any), friends, a house, neighbours, a whole life built... Ya Think! Some OW's have had long term A's. Pain is not something that can be measured in time.
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 BS pain probably is more long term than the OW pain. Both painful, but the BS has had alot more to depth, more time invested, a history, family entwined, created children together (if any), friends, a house, neighbours, a whole life built... While pain is relative (depending on how each individual deals with grief) if we were to measure in terms of "loss" … I'd have to sympathize more with the betrayed spouse for all of the reasons above. Unlike the affair partner, the spouse does not only grieve for themselves… but they must also shoulder the pain for their children and extended families who often grieve the loss and change in family dynamics as an entire unit. With a marriage … it's important to remember that it's more than just one person feeling the affects of the loss. Marriage is about FAMILY. While in regards to the affair partner, it's simply the wants and needs of the individual. In my humble opinion, the two just don't compare.
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 In the world of an OW, Oh! Boy! How exciting! He gives you all of himself! Without all the daily responsibility bull****! So how can we truly evaluate the Man! How wonderful we feel when he tells us how sex, smart and wonderful we are! How he would love to spend his life with just little o'l me! That he has never loved anyone more than what he tells me! No one has ever made him feel the way I do physically or emotionally! He tells us of how misserable he is at home! How his wife does not fulfill his needs! No passion primarily! No communcation! Bla...bla...bla.... BUT! HE STAYS! Stays for the kids! For financial reasons! For all those reasons but "LOVE"!. Yet, he says "he loves me!" Well, REALITY is, if this Man is searching for love and claims to have found it with me, AND STILL is not willing to leave his wife for me, WHAT then is his REALITY? Simple TRUTH! The OW is the fantasy that pacifies his reality at home. HE HAS IT ALL! Well, you're making something of a generalisation in your mocking of OW... not everyone is in it for the 'wonderful feelings' ego boosting, desperate grasping after any little word of affection from someone's mouth. We're not all immature, commitmentphobes with no experience of real life and real relationships. What strikes me about the second part of the quote above is... how much you seem to equate a MM leaving his wife with his 'real love'. Life isn't all about romantic love and running away with people. Some people take their responsibilities to their children very seriously. What use is a man who drops everything he has promised to do, for the sake of having found love with someone else? What use are his promises? Would you trust him as far as you could throw him (as my Mum used to say). I know I wouldn't.
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 Well, you're making something of a generalisation in your mocking of OW... not everyone is in it for the 'wonderful feelings' ego boosting, desperate grasping after any little word of affection from someone's mouth. We're not all immature, commitmentphobes with no experience of real life and real relationships. What strikes me about the second part of the quote above is... how much you seem to equate a MM leaving his wife with his 'real love'. Life isn't all about romantic love and running away with people. Some people take their responsibilities to their children very seriously. What use is a man who drops everything he has promised to do, for the sake of having found love with someone else? What use are his promises? Would you trust him as far as you could throw him (as my Mum used to say). I know I wouldn't. Hmmmm.. interesting read Sami Same freakin use he is to his beloved wife and OW! Not much in my opinion!
Walking away Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 With all due respect to you Sami, you know I love you, but I must make a point.... Whether he loves the OW or not is not really the issue. Most do. Mine does. Lots of us have MM who love us. But someone who really loves someone will not allow them to be in a situation that is beneath their standards and dreams. True love lets that person go to find the love that they deserve. Yes, loving a MM with children is complicated. But, what ISN'T complicated is deciding to value yourself enough to not choose to be second or third in his life. This in no way should be insulting to you, but some of us choose to no longer let the cake eater have the cake.
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Hmmmm.. interesting read Sami Same freakin use he is to his beloved wife and OW! Not much in my opinion! Well, what do you mean by that? The W I have in mind doesn't seem to care, or want him. I do. What's important is the children. We adults have to deal with our own needs in the best way we can.. don't we?
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 With all due respect to you Sami, you know I love you, but I must make a point.... Whether he loves the OW or not is not really the issue. Most do. Mine does. Lots of us have MM who love us. But someone who really loves someone will not allow them to be in a situation that is beneath their standards and dreams. True love lets that person go to find the love that they deserve. Yes, loving a MM with children is complicated. But, what ISN'T complicated is deciding to value yourself enough to not choose to be second or third in his life. This in no way should be insulting to you, but some of us choose to no longer let the cake eater have the cake. Well, no, I don't know you love me... "someone who really loves someone will not allow them to be in a situation that is beneath their standards and dreams. True love lets that person go to find the love that they deserve. " What is this 'allow them to be in a situation'..? Are OW tied down..? They have no say? The OW have no legs..? The MM has chopped them off? Allows her no choice..? In what respect? And your assumption that the OW is second or third... sounds rather cliched. Is there some obvious method of ranking people and relationships that I'm missing..? Some of you may be choosing not to be involved with your MM any longer. That is your choice. And I am sure we all have our reasons for doing what we are doing.
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 Well, what do you mean by that? The W I have in mind doesn't seem to care, or want him. I do. What's important is the children. We adults have to deal with our own needs in the best way we can.. don't we? Sami, You have knocked other OW's MM in this Forum on an ongoing basis, but yet have put yours on a pedestal! What makes your situation any different than any other OW's in this Forum? Most MM's seem to have children, debts, bla..bla..bla It does not make it right to continue having an Affair!
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Sami, You have knocked other OW's MM in this Forum on an ongoing basis, but yet have put yours on a pedestal! What makes your situation any different than any other OW's in this Forum? Most MM's seem to have children, debts, bla..bla..bla It does not make it right to continue having an Affair! So you think every man who is married and having an affair is 'the same'? Really, honestly? Like every woman who is married and having an affair is 'the same'? And every single woman having an affair with a MM is 'the same'? And every single man having an affair with a MW is 'the same'? And... furthermore... every combination of the above is 'the same'? Personally, while there are trends, similarities, obvious situations that are almost eternally set in stone, it seems.... we're all individuals. You really think you are not?
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Sami, You have knocked other OW's MM in this Forum on an ongoing basis, but yet have put yours on a pedestal! And, just in reply to this. Yes, I do call it as I see it. I expect every other person posting to do the same. Anyone finds something problematic with my MM... I am very willing to look at it. Thing is... I don't think there are many people more critical of my partners than I am. I don't reserve my criticism for 'other' people. I'm just as hard on him (and myself) as I am on everyone.
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 So you think every man who is married and having an affair is 'the same'? Really, honestly? Like every woman who is married and having an affair is 'the same'? And every single woman having an affair with a MM is 'the same'? And every single man having an affair with a MW is 'the same'? And... furthermore... every combination of the above is 'the same'? Personally, while there are trends, similarities, obvious situations that are almost eternally set in stone, it seems.... we're all individuals. You really think you are not? For crying out loud Sami!!! Think about what you are saying!!! No matter how you bend it, stretch it, or pull it! What the heck has someones uniqueness have to do with a freakin AFFAIR! AN AFFAIR IS AN AFFAIR IS AN AFFAIR IS AN AFFAIR
Walking away Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 And why isn't your MM a cake eater if he continues to share himself with you and his wife?
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 For crying out loud Sami!!! Think about what you are saying!!! No matter how you bend it, stretch it, or pull it! What the heck has someones uniqueness have to do with a freakin AFFAIR! AN AFFAIR IS AN AFFAIR IS AN AFFAIR IS AN AFFAIR err... well yes, that is true. I'm not quite sure what point you're making here, however.
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 err... well yes, that is true. I'm not quite sure what point you're making here, however. Well if you agree with what I said was true, then I would venture to think you know exactly the point I am making here!
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 And why isn't your MM a cake eater if he continues to share himself with you and his wife? Isn't a cake eater someone who wants love and attention and emotional investment from more than one person? If so, then my MM isn't getting any of those things from his W. And, as a human being... looking for those things... he found me. I do believe I started a thread on this, way back when... entitled, 'not all MM are cake-eaters'.
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Well if you agree with what I said was true, then I would venture to think you know exactly the point I am making here! An affair is an affair is an affair. Same as a marriage is a marriage is a marriage. Same as a parent is a parent is a parent. A job is a job is a job. Yes, it is. But isn't it quality that counts?
Walking away Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Mine wants none of that from his wife either. But, he is choosing to stay with her for the kids. Still a cake eater in my book.
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 Isn't a cake eater someone who wants love and attention and emotional investment from more than one person? If so, then my MM isn't getting any of those things from his W. And, as a human being... looking for those things... he found me. I do believe I started a thread on this, way back when... entitled, 'not all MM are cake-eaters'. Then please Sami tell us how your MM is so freakin different! Besides the obvious of being cheater and committing adultery.
Walking away Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 An affair is an affair is an affair. Same as a marriage is a marriage is a marriage. Same as a parent is a parent is a parent. A job is a job is a job. Yes, it is. But isn't it quality that counts? And a cake eater is a cake eater is a cake eater. He should respect you enough to not allow either of you to settle into this relationship again. He cannot be there for you all the time. That is not fair to YOU. You deserve better Sami.
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 An affair is an affair is an affair. Same as a marriage is a marriage is a marriage. Same as a parent is a parent is a parent. A job is a job is a job. Yes, it is. But isn't it quality that counts? Well, I hardly believe a MM having an Affair constitutes QUALITY!
Sami_D Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Mine wants none of that from his wife either. But, he is choosing to stay with her for the kids. Still a cake eater in my book. Do you not believe him? What's your problem with him now..? I can feel the flack... I'm an OW who is trying another approach... under bombardment! ouch! ouch! I'm going to do it anyway. No, all MM are not all the same, how could it be..? Look at the figures for infidelity... they are enormous! How could it possibly be that all those people are 'the same'..? If you want to talk about MY situation, fine. If you want to talk about yours... fine. But no, I don't believe every situation is the same. Your relationship with your MM is 'over'... its easier if you label him and forget him. Mine is not. I choose to treat him as a living human being with feelings.
Walking away Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 I love him and he loves me. He knows that deserve more than he is willing to give me right now and I agree with him. We are no longer speaking, e-mailing, nada. He loves me enough to let me go and be happy with another. His character is such that he, too, would never go down the path of infidelity again. He said, that if we are to be together, it will be the RIGHT way. And, in my opinion, that is the ONLY way.
Author RealityCheck Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 Do you not believe him? What's your problem with him now..? I can feel the flack... I'm an OW who is trying another approach... under bombardment! ouch! ouch! I'm going to do it anyway. No, all MM are not all the same, how could it be..? Look at the figures for infidelity... they are enormous! How could it possibly be that all those people are 'the same'..? If you want to talk about MY situation, fine. If you want to talk about yours... fine. But no, I don't believe every situation is the same. Your relationship with your MM is 'over'... its easier if you label him and forget him. Mine is not. I choose to treat him as a living human being with feelings. Yeah, well where is he putting your feelings in this so called blissful Affair! HE'S STILL MARRIED!! We have all agreed every situation is different! FACT! BUT AN AFFAIR IS THE SAME THING.... A F F A I R
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