i'm lost

[devasted]

I have been seraching now almost 3 weeks to figure out what has happened to my life.

14 year marraige, stay at home mom- no kids together each had one from previous marriage-been together since they were 3 and 4, they don't remember us ever with anyone else. Have good relationships with our ex's- they both cheated which was the end of our marraiges, we met several years later.

he left a freaking note that he was leaving, didn't love me and then wondered why i've not been on the same page as him, why i can't accept he has lied to me for months about special girl friends he works with, he lied to me daily- went outside of our marraige, and then took all the money, checkbooks and was hoping to starve me out so i'd do whatever he wanted.

He then said awful things to me, and sounded like a complete psychopath considering it was a complete change from one day to the next. We didn't ever have an argument that resulted in an issue needed to be resolved with counseling or that leaving was ever a consideration-

I will add that after I found a friend to borrow the money from for a retainer for a lawyer, one that he hadn't called to try to keep me from getting help,

I felt he was my best friend- we did everything together.

 

he sent pictures to this other woman on my daughter's birthday- nothing is freaking sacred. Certainly not my feelings, our marraige or the life we have built together.

 

his family was my only family- he's the baby and spoiled so they haven't even called

 

then our 'friends' don't call, they don't want to take a side.

 

What does that say about my judgement if I couldn't see this, I've been through it before. My heart is broken, I've been sick physically, had anxiety issues and havent' left my house except to go to family doc for nausea med and nerve medicine.

 

I was a really great wife, never complained, always gave to anything he wanted.

Was verbally abused and let too much go for him to treat me this way.

 

I'm not a bad person. I will say I also had to file for disability- but I don't complain, had back surgeries, and a mass removed from my breast.

 

I feel like my health has maybe had an effect on him, I didn't want to be a bother. He worked alot and I felt he should have a happy place to come to.

 

I don't know what happened, where it went wrong and I'm say about the loss of a relationship that took a decade and a half out of my life.

 

I know it wasn't a perfect marraige, but it was really great 85% of the time- and for that long it's pretty good.

 

I'm not a depressed person, I'm just really sad. I'm a big romantic. I have a huge heart and I loved without any reservation and it really really hurts- to be left and then to not even talk to me but a damn note.

 

At least I have my dog and my daughter is with me, she's 18 and I know it's been hard on her. She hates it for me and is hirt. My son, his from previous marraige whom i've raised his whole life is with him, he will want to support his dad even though he was wrong - I can't blame him but I feel so lost.

That relationship, my marraige, my extended family- I am stuck in a house afraid to leave until the emergency hearing telling me i can change the locks and he will have to set up temp money until court date.

 

they said he'd have to pay for everything, I'm unable to work outside the home- now freaking a nervous wreck, been physicaly sick and feel like a truck has hit me.

 

My daughter wants me to be angry and i am but it doesnt' change the fact it hurts. To be so disregarded that you don't matter enough to even rate a face to face talk.

 

I would never have thought he would have broken our marraige vows- we had a great sex life- he could have told me something instead of testing the water to see if he was ready to leave.

 

I'm not heavy, my daughter's friends all say I'm really pretty.

I don't know hwo to describe the pain and emptiness I feel- and so disappointed and discouraged.

 

How hard can it be to keep it in your pants? To pay attention when you say your vows-

 

I forgot to thank you for reading this and listening to me ramble. I could have gone into more detail but when I think about it I feel like a complete fool, my judgement is for **** andi can't wait until i can hold down food, stop the diarrhea and vomit- and the endless crying jags.

 

I can say that all the online forums have really helped me at times when I have felt so alone.

 

devastedinthesouth

[Great Gazoo]

My heart goes out to you, I don't know what else to say. I don't think your a fool or have bad judgement, your husband turned into a A-hole. Just take care of yourself and your kids.

[luvstarved]

I am really sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. I can't tell much about your story from what you have written but for your husband to leave a note vs at least talking with you about it face to face after 14 years is just cowardice on his part. It might be that being the spoiled "baby" in the family, he has learned to just do whatever he wants, and has never learned the ability to deal with difficulty and conflict, so he just skirts it altogether.

In other words, never grew up because he never had to.

 

I am glad you found this board. A lot of people here going through similar things. Hope you will find some comfort here. And I wish you strength to get through this. Keep us posted on your progress.

[LakesideDream]

It's very sad to hear stories like yours. Some of us have had similar experiances and it's no fun.

 

Try and be as positive as possible. Lean on friends and loved ones. Get through it a week at a time.

 

I'll say a prayer.

[ilmw]

Just read your thread....

 

Can only say... I feel for you... I cannot and will never understand how someone could put their immature feelings before the welfare of their kids.... they were not asked to be born.... and were not asked to be put in another relationship... aka.... your relationship.

 

All I can say is find your centre.. find someone inside yourself you like.... imagine you are that person... pretty... fun to be around... etc.... if you can imagine it.... it can be come real.. you can fool your reality... it makes it easier it cope.... trust me.. it helps with how you feel... it can change your perspective... on what is going on... positive mental attitude.... etc glass is half full and all that junk:p

 

I too was lost... but through much reading... self reflection and this board.... I started to get a clue... keep posting... it will help... trust this one thing:)

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Action must preceed feeling ~ that is to say you must do before you begin to feel like doing it. With that said and building upo what ilmw has already posted ~ you've got fake it ~ until you make it.

 

In the Marines, we call this "False Motivation" and its just pumping yourself up, doing it until you begin to feel it.

 

You've got to gain control of your emotions, ~ and yes you can do that as well. Its not only lies within the relamn of possibility, but also within the relams of proability. It does take a the focus and concentration of a gazzele in lion country. But, it can be done. You need to work on that.

 

What's happened to your life? You married a immature, selfish, self-centered, spoiled little boy who hoodwhinked you into thinking he was a man, and who's going through a mid-life crisis and has reverted back to being a immature, selfish, self-centered, spoiled little boy that's is his true self. The person that he is now isn't the man that he lead you to believe he was, he's regressed to the above ~ to being a little boy who pouts if he doesn't get his way. He's no man ~ and he's not someone you want and need in your life. "Life" and Mr. Reality came along and was whipping his ass ~ and so he bailed on you, the children, the responsibility, the obligations, the committments.

 

There are guys like myself, ilmw, UK, DD, CC, Wolf, (if I've not listed you ~ its not a disc) who are solid guys. Guys who are in it for a penny, we're in it for a pound. We're in it not just to the hilt of the sword, but to the bone. For us, its "Do or Die!" Do or die trying! Guys that post here, are not like your husband. We're the kind of guys that you wished your husband would be.

 

Granted. All of us have screwed up ~ and almost to the man we put the job, and working, and making a living before any and all else, ~ and our wives are telling us they want and need more from not just their husbands but from life.

[Gunny376]

Abe Lincoln who had more failure in life than any one man deserves, who went through more trials and tribulations than any one person deserves. Who was married to a card carrying nut case. once said, "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!"

 

The choice is yours!

[ilmw]

Feel like I am a member of DC league of heros.... ahhhahhaha:laugh:

 

Thx gunny:)