Loving "feeling" gone

[Guest]

It seems like most people in a relationship are ready to bail out when this honeymoon feeling of "love" fades over time. You see it everywhere.

 

"Honey, these last 8 months were the best that I've ever had. And I don't regret spending one day with you. But here lately, I'm just not in love with you anymore. I'm sorry. I know that you'll be fine."

 

And with those words he/she dissapears into the night. Wondering exactly what happend but willing to walk away and find the one true love that will never escape.

 

And so, there are so many heartbroken people around. And the viscous cycle repeats itself over and over.

 

I submit to you that these feelings are supposed to fade over time. And love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment to a relationship to make it work, regardless of our fleeting fealings.

 

I am also ready to admit that there are ligitimate reasons to leave a relationship. Abuse, unfaithfulness, cruelty, etc. But simply bailing because the "loving feeling" has gone is crazy.

 

At least that's my .02 cents.

[Maddy7777]

It seems like most people in a relationship are ready to bail out when this honeymoon feeling of "love" fades over time. You see it everywhere.

 

"Honey, these last 8 months were the best that I've ever had. And I don't regret spending one day with you. But here lately, I'm just not in love with you anymore. I'm sorry. I know that you'll be fine."

 

And with those words he/she dissapears into the night. Wondering exactly what happend but willing to walk away and find the one true love that will never escape.

 

And so, there are so many heartbroken people around. And the viscous cycle repeats itself over and over.

 

I submit to you that these feelings are supposed to fade over time. And love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment to a relationship to make it work, regardless of our fleeting fealings.

 

I am also ready to admit that there are ligitimate reasons to leave a relationship. Abuse, unfaithfulness, cruelty, etc. But simply bailing because the "loving feeling" has gone is crazy.

 

At least that's my .02 cents.

 

 

Hmm that quote sounds very close to what my ex said - though more cold and unfeeling.

 

I wish everyone thought like you did. If the loving feeling is gone, you should atleast try to work it back with the other person. Atleast then you fought for the relationship. Just giving up after its gone feels like the relationship meant nothing.

 

Obviously I have been burned by this excuse:( . It's nice to know that there are others that feel the same way I do. I don't think love always fade away, but if you don't work to keep it alive then it does. I wish there was another reason to our breakup besides "I don't love you anymore"....

 

Though you post made me smile - thanks

[superconductor]

I submit to you that these feelings are supposed to fade over time. And love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment to a relationship to make it work, regardless of our fleeting fealings.

 

I am also ready to admit that there are ligitimate reasons to leave a relationship. Abuse, unfaithfulness, cruelty, etc. But simply bailing because the "loving feeling" has gone is crazy.

Guest, you're absolutely right. I just wish more people had the common sense that you speak of here.

 

Just one thing: bailing because the "loving feeling" has gone isn't crazy. It's just immature. Or an excuse.

[bluechocolate]

Yes, it is this weird notion that many people seem to have about "THE ONE" and this stragne idea about "DESTINY".

 

And I also suspect it is because many people are just basically lazy. A lasting, loving relationship takes work, compromise & understanding from both people.

 

Like you said:

 

I submit to you that these feelings are supposed to fade over time. And love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment to a relationship to make it work, regardless of our fleeting fealings.

[Joyvke]

I'm thinking the same exactly... My ex left me because of this, but the rest was all good. Making me think there is someone else involved though he is saying there isn't.... And now he doesn't want a relation at all, which makes me think he didn't like the relation one bit .

 

My feelings were gone for a long time, but I love him so much and I felt really nice with him and all. But that's in another topic so.

 

But you're right and it's good that I'm not the only one who thinks like this! .

[KittenMoon]

So much truth here! Anyways, in some cases, if they were just able to let themselves feel that "loving feeling" again, it would reappear. If they made the choice to feel and just not expect every day to be great just because the day before was.

[Diver012]

Yes, it is this weird notion that many people seem to have about "THE ONE" and this stragne idea about "DESTINY".

 

And I also suspect it is because many people are just basically lazy. A lasting, loving relationship takes work, compromise & understanding from both people.

 

Like you said:

 

I submit to you that these feelings are supposed to fade over time. And love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment to a relationship to make it work, regardless of our fleeting fealings.

 

Someone else on this board made a comment about this.... It went something like... Choose Love, Romance and Passion will follow. I used to be one who believed in this Cinderella story up until this year. It simply isn't true.

 

Ya see, I was walking down this dark tunnel, and there she was standing at the exit. I ran towards the light to greet her, but she ended up being an 18 wheeler that ran my a$$ over instead...

[BannaBee57]

Yeah, my ex and I broke up after 2 pretty great years because he didn't think I was "The One" anymore. Apparently, at one time he thought I was but had since changed his mind. His mother has polluted his mind with her three marriages and her search for "The One". It just blows my mind!

[Guest]

Yes, it is this weird notion that many people seem to have about "THE ONE" and this stragne idea about "DESTINY".

[/b]

 

I am the OP of this thread. Thanks to ALL that responded. Great thoughts!!

I think the one I quoted above is at the core.

 

We buy into this notion that "love" is supposed to fulfill ALL of our needs. And when something takes work to sustain, or seems to fade over time ...

 

"This MUST not have been the right one for me." "Next please."

 

I just wish that people who are REALLY serious about a relationship would wake up. And cherish the one that they have.

 

I also wish there were more people like yourselves that realized this. Sadly, from my last relationship experience, I am starting to experience CP.

 

If someone is willing to bail so easlily, why risk being battered again by another person. And so I walk on with a numb heart. Maybe unable to trust again. Losing faith.

 

Help!

[Joyvke]

A quote from me in a topic where a woman has lost her love feelings, there is another one in this part

 

In love, as in feeling butterflies and all, will pass eventually. Most of the time after a few months and sometimes 4 years.

 

If you feel comfortable with the guy/ girl. Can be yourself and all. Why break up? I mean, you'll probably will get the same things over and over again. People are addicted to the butterflies and think thats the most important thing, but they turn into loving someone deeply.

 

I've got a whole article about this, but it's in dutch and there are too many words I can't translate ^^:. Have you made a list of good and bad things? You can work on feelings. Trying to surprise eachother and all.

 

Well good luck anyway, hope you'll think it through. It's normal that when you meet someone else that you're thinking it would be better to break off. That's the love of butterflies...

 

People fell in love with the butterflies they experience. And think that's the base of a relation. Such a shame, if they didn't chase their butterflies there wouldn't be so many hearthbroken people around .

 

*hug for everyone*

[Just2Cute1972]

Wow same reason i was given from my ex...the feeling of being in love wasnt there anymore. He thinks that the "newness" or the "butterflies" you feel when u first get with someone is what determines love and since he doesnt feel those with me anymore that must mean he doesnt love me anymore. Its really sad. What cracks me up is that now he is telling me it would kill him to lose me from his life and that im his "best friend" that we know one another like no other...he has been sharing everything with me since he left me, and contacts me at least once a day..isnt that what defines love? He texted me this morning saying "Morning..u seemed upset yesterday so i wanted to check on ya" lol Maybe one day he will realize, maybe he wont..i just think its sad to run instead of try to work at something.

[the patient]

wow, guest, this post has put a whole new perspective on things for me. You see, i'm in the EXACT same situation, but unfortunately, i'm the one who bailed. I guess i didn't realize what love was until after everything was gone. I can't help but feel like i'm the one who ended up with the short end of the stick, cause now i'm the one browsing these forums looking for support. Things can't be fixed cause like you previously mentioned, it's too degrading to go back and have everyone judge you... Ah well, don't think like he's not thinking of you while you're thinking of him, cause it's a two way street. I'd do anything to undo the things i've done, but alas, it's too late

[Rooster_DAR]

Okay, this is by far the most realistic and true topic I have seen since I have been on this forum. All of you are right on the money, and the people that really lost out on a good chance for true love are gone now. If there were ever to be an ocar for the best topic on what true love is all about, I would put my vote to this thread. I can actually look back a number of years and say that I probably let go of the person I could have truly spent the rest of my life with because I was so inmature and did not understand the meaning of true love. If you can do the little things together, go out to the movies, garage saleing, trips out of town for the weekend, browsing an expensive home improvement store together you wish you had for new stuff for your home, and spending those quiet evenings watching movies together when it's freezing outside, then you have the ingredients to make it all work out. IMHO, the little things are part of a much bigger picture, and the "In Love" feelings you have when you first meet eachother are just a big fantasy that are not the real things that hold you together. Of course, I guess you really need two people who come together with this train of thought, which is probably relatively rare to find in comparison.

 

Regards,

[Rooster_DAR]

wow, guest, this post has put a whole new perspective on things for me. You see, i'm in the EXACT same situation, but unfortunately, i'm the one who bailed. I guess i didn't realize what love was until after everything was gone. I can't help but feel like i'm the one who ended up with the short end of the stick, cause now i'm the one browsing these forums looking for support. Things can't be fixed cause like you previously mentioned, it's too degrading to go back and have everyone judge you... Ah well, don't think like he's not thinking of you while you're thinking of him, cause it's a two way street. I'd do anything to undo the things i've done, but alas, it's too late

 

Most of the time it's too late, but with some really good convincing (nothing short of making an ass of yourself), there is still a remote chance.

 

[riobikini]

Reply to Guest in first post:

 

You certainly sound like you are no 'quitter', Guest.

 

I can appreciate that -I also have a similar view as you express.

 

I do want to add a few more personal viewpoints regarding the waning interest issue.

 

It seems to me the whole world is searching for a kind of perfection in their partners that doesn't exist.

 

Maybe 'perfection' isn't even the right word, here -maybe it's more about meeting immediate needs without serious respectful regard to any traditional ideal when starting from 'square one' with a primary goal in mind: to truly and honestly attempt to build a meaningful future union of two genuinely positive, supportive, understanding, -and healthy- people.

 

'Healthy' in respect to all aspects of their mental, emotional, and physical being. With those who live within the cycle of repeated 'start-and-stop' relationships, I believe one of those things -mental, emotional, or physical health- may be seriously damaged and in need of help they cannot render to themselves.

 

It appears that the search criteria in far too many of our modern day relationships is made up such a confusing mixed bag of 'wants' and limited or unrealistic 'un-thought-out' goals that they only have the capability of surviving short-term.

 

I think many romantic relationships -from dating to marriage- hardly qualify, at all, as relationships under the definition normally thought of years ago -or even now with our terribly confused and misdirected ideals of what constitutes a relationship.

 

I think it is because of a combination of things: our present 21st century knowledge of all we have learned, researched, and personally experienced regarding relationships (from the aspect of science to individual perceptions); to our growing sources of information and the increasing avalability to it; and our overwhelming capability to have access to available people (internet, the 'flattening' of the world).

 

I think we are scared of what we now know -sometimes, perhaps, intimidated- and though it sounds contradictory, just as equally emboldened and encouraged to form relationships we can choose to potentially view as ' disposable' by whatever standard we have allowed to develop (standards unavoidably influenced by our life and times).

 

Redeveloping our own personal healthy standards for living -and loving- learning how to choose what we injest from the world around us and apply to our lives is a feat that takes incredible strength and resolve.

 

Shutting out everything we have learned is probably not the answer, -but relearning to respect ourselves (and others), wisely discerning the roots of beliefs and standards of living, and truly getting to know what the saying "Know thyself" really means is essential for an authentic kind of happiness, and in learning what 'belongs' in each of our lives and what doesn't .

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[bchlvr]

Developing an intimate relationship involves risks, I know. And we can't account for every eventuality. But I'm sure we all would like to better protect ourselves in the future and be able to identify the red flags of a possibly unhealthy relationship to follow. Were there behaviors or traits that we were oblivious to because we didn't know what to look for or because there was a process we didn't understand? I don't mean issues we knew were a problem but chose to ignore in the phase of seeing through rose colored glasses.

 

Were there indications in the beginning of your relationship that your ex felt some ambivalence about getting involved or becoming more intimate.

 

In my case, my ex said on our second date that she already raised her children, but didn't know if she wanted a serious relationship with someone who had kids. (I have a special needs son). But she also said that she wanted to be flexible and in fact she became closely bonded with my son. Soon after we started dating she stated I was "The One," she found "Home," I was special, different than the other relationships of the past.

I was optimistic. Being together felt special in a way that I too had not experienced before. In an e-mail she severed the relationship. Her reason for the break up centered around her feelings associated with my difficulties with my son.

This, after hearing her say the week before, how happy she was in our relationship, she loves me and this was the best place she felt she was in in her life for a long time.

Then I found out there was someone else in the picture.

And for my part, I had "healing old wound" fantasies and my own issues of abandonment that perhaps kept me in a place that otherwise was not healthy.

[Guest]

Thanks Rio,

 

Lots of great wisdom in your post.

 

It's funny. My parents have been married for 45 years. I've asked them before: "what is the secret to this lasting relationship?"

 

They don't know really. They're even confused by the question. To them, there is no secret.

 

"We JUST made a commitment to one another for a lifetime." That's it.

 

I still go back to this "idealized" hollywood rendition of what we have bought into. We think that there is "the one" and "destiny" and all that. We put all this pressure upon someone to live up to our standards and when they can't ... sorry time to bail.

 

We're too "me-oriented" and our sights are set too high.

 

I don't know. Tell me where I am going wrong here.

[Rooster_DAR]

You are right on the money, there is no such thing as "The One", "Soul Mates", or anything of a sort. That would imply that your live is governed or predetermined, and somehow that does not sit well with me. I also agree we do set our standards too high sometimes, only to find that we get disappointed when the O/P is just a normal human being.

 

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest:

"We're too "me-oriented" and our sights are set too high.

 

I don't know. Tell me where I am going wrong here."

 

 

Dear Guest (Smile) I almost said exactly what you said when you mentioned the "me-oriented" thing. I hesitated for a moment, thought about typing it in, then let it go because I thought it would direct the tone of my post to focus primarily on that thought.

 

But you nailed it in the sense that millions of individual are operating under very unrealistic expectations from romantic relationships, and the fact that most of those expectations involve -to some significant degree- the almost hedonistic pleasing of oneself, -and very prominent, obvious elements of selfishness, which are key in those who repeatedly create "throw-away" or "disposable" relationships.

 

As for my being able to tell you where you are going wrong -it isn't possible for me to tell you how to feel or think- it is only possible for me to tell you how I feel and think. (Smile)

 

What I can do is point out (as I have done in my first post to you) a few of the reasons I believe we as an evolving race have begun to change, and the direction that change has begun to take us, in regards to our perceptions and ideals of what contributes to, and constitutes, an acceptable basis for forming -or letting go of- romantic relationships in our present day.

 

Perhaps, we should all be taken down (or is it up?) a notch or two to a level of introspect that forces us to reach out to none other than our "inside" self and commune a bit there to begin again in rebuilding our cache of knowledge about what it means to be human, have emotions, a mind, -and, at last, be introduced (for some, for the first time) with our more spiritual side, which I think has the inevitable ability to set us straight and direct us more intelligently in our physical state.

 

So if we're going to be "me oriented" we should start from an entirely different perspective -one that encourages positive change.

 

(Smile) Maybe this is confusing -I certainly don't mean for it to be- but what I'm ultimately attempting to say is this: getting to know and respect ourselves -all aspects of ourselves: the good, the bad, the ugly, and create positive improvement and change there- is the first step to being ready for a meaningful romantic relationship.

 

Example: there's less anger towards someone who has wronged you when you've truly searched yourself and, in a manner of speaking, walked a mile in his shoes; there's less confusion and stress when confronted with conflict with another if you've taken the time to try to understand his state of circumstances and his state of reasoning.

 

In my own personal experience I find that the more I learn about myself (the core of who I am) the more content I am, the more compassionate I am capable of being, and the more useful I am to myself -and others.

 

In no way does approaching the issue of self-improvement in this manner make me passive, weak, nor incapable of feeling negative human emotions ever again -it simply makes me more aware of the origin of my emotions, thoughts, and behavior- why I feel, act, and think the way I do, and certainly allows me a better chance to be capable of coping, managing -and understanding- them.

 

Before I close my post, I realize that some of this sounds a little "out there" (Smile) but I believe fiercely in something that I was taught (and which was proven many times) during my growing up years as a child; it is simply this wise advice: that directing focus, first, on the "home" (i.e. the core, the center, the heart of anything, anyone) is the first act of responsibility and the key to correctly directing and aligning all that should follow.

 

So, "Know thyself" comes back into play, here, Guest.

 

(Smile)

 

I hope I have given you more than a clue to your question.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

 

P.S. Pardon my bad grammar and silly typos; I meant well. (Smile).

[Rooster_DAR]

What I can do is point out (as I have done in my first post to you) a few of the reasons I believe we as an evolving race have begun to change, and the direction that change has begun to take us, in regards to our perceptions and ideals of what contributes to, and constitutes, an acceptable basis for forming -or letting go of- romantic relationships in our present day.

 

I am on the same page as you "riobikini", I think we are on a path of new change in human social recongnizance. I think we are evolving as well and we can really start noticing it by some of the profound changes between men and women (Women Liberation), and other gender specific ideals. I still maintain the reason we keep trying to figure all this stuff out is because we were not orginally (from an evolutionary standpoint) supposed to remain commited to one partner.

 

Depending on your beliefs, you can look at nature all around you and find that commited relationships virtuall do not exist (Although there are a very few species that do remain monogamous(there are other scientific reasons for this). Things got really confusing for humans because our brains expanded mentally and emotionally, and suddenly things like a strayed partner, a dying parent, and other things of this nature became emotionally painful for us.

 

The good part is, since we are of a higher intelligence, we can start to understand this process and make a decision whether we want to remain in a lifetime committed relationship or not. So, I don't believe in the "True love, The one, Soul Mate" premise, it simply to me tries to suggest that there is predetermination or an outside force that marks who we are or where we are going.

 

I think we will continue the struggle of figuring all of this stuff out for a very long time, or a least until we have evolved enough to realize all the mechanics involved in our complex social structures.

[Guest]

Rio --

 

Your post rings very true with me. Sometimes, if we're not very careful, we can let someone slip away from us because they didn't "seem" to meet our superficial expectations. When in reality, they could have been the very best thing for us.

 

It's the classic line you hear from dumpers sometimes years after the breakup. "What was I thinking, he/she wasn't the perfect person, but they were very good for me. Why didn't I see that then?"

 

They didn't "see" it then because they didn't know themselves enough to REALLY know what matters. Sounds funny but I think it's true.

 

Hopefully I understood the thoughts that you were conveying.

 

Thanks, Rio

[riobikini]

Guest, you are always welcome.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Guest]

Guest, you're absolutely right. I just wish more people had the common sense that you speak of here.

 

Just one thing: bailing because the "loving feeling" has gone isn't crazy. It's just immature. Or an excuse.

 

Absolutely spot on!

[riobikini]

re:

 

Rooster: " I think we will continue the struggle of figuring all of this stuff out for a very long time, or a least until we have evolved enough to realize all the mechanics involved in our complex social structures. "

 

 

In response to to your post, Rooster, I am first going to tell you a short story, not complex, -just one that may cause the reader to think. It goes like this:

 

Three hunters were trying to figure out what happened at the scene of an accident on an isolated rural dirt road in the early days after the invention and distribution of the Ford automobile, and one had found its way into the countryside.

 

It was owned by a wealthy family who was one of the first to purchase such a vehicle and was still a curiosity to anyone who happened to see it.

 

Upon hearing a big bang! outside the rim of the forest, the three men ran to the scene. There was dust and smoke settling from a small cloud in the air above the Ford, and a couple of wheels still turned slightly while the passengers tried to gain their composure on the side of the road after crawling from the vehicle. None of them were seriously hurt, but the whole incident was somewhat humiliating.

 

The first hunter said, " I've never seen anything like this contraption".

 

The second hunter said, " I've only heard about them".

 

The third said, " If no one is hurt, let's get it up on its feet, and see if we can get it to working again".

 

(Smile).

 

People like the third hunter thinks with an element of basic concern and sensibility I hope our human evolution retains despite the direction it seems to be heading, which seems to be on an increasing path of abandonment of the most rational, sensible, down-to-earth answers we would not have ignored years ago. Whether we know everything there is to know about the contraption, problem, dilemma, or conflict in front of us or not -I hope the ability to think from the persective of the most obvious, simple basics -positively and constructively- is still always there -ever present- with all the new things and ideas developing in our environment.

 

"Sensible", I think, is a very important word which might just merit a bit more attention in regards to its meaning and what it can mean to us to add it to our list of most desired individual personal qualities.

 

re:

 

Rooster: " I am on the same page as you "riobikini", I think we are on a path of new change in human social recongnizance. I think we are evolving as well and we can really start noticing it by some of the profound changes between men and women (Women Liberation), and other gender specific ideals. I still maintain the reason we keep trying to figure all this stuff out is because we were not orginally (from an evolutionary standpoint) supposed to remain commited to one partner.

 

 

To comment further on your post, Rooster, I think that with all things giving a hint of becoming a catalyst to great future social changes, the Women's Liberation movement -as well as other similarly-impacting social change - characteristicly (and, to me, even expectedly) runs the risk of being purposely abused, or misdirected by some to acheive negative ulterior personal goals and motives that were never intended as a part of the original agenda nor its supporting ideals.

 

But give it a few years, a few decades, and time enough to "test" out the results, fine-tune the details- and I think it is obvious that despite the leeches, abusers, and others with ill intentions, the push for that liberation was tremendously "right" for a nation who has the boldness to call itself "leader". And even creating some new leaders who are female.

 

Selah.

 

(And a smile for you). I respect your comments, and admire your willingness to air them here. I also appreciate the opportunity to respond to some of what you have said.

 

re:

 

Rooster: "... you can look at nature all around you and find that commited relationships virtuall do not exist (Although there are a very few species that do remain monogamous..."

 

"I don't believe in the "True love, The one, Soul Mate" premise, it simply to me tries to suggest that there is predetermination or an outside force that marks who we are or where we are going. "

 

 

I did read (and reread) your comment about monogamy and, frankly, my beliefs on the whole issue of both monogamy as well as polygamy is quiet long and probably doesn't belong in this site, at all -it would be much too lengthy.

 

Still, I want to say that my belief regarding long-term (monogamous) relationships is that they (obviously) can and do exist. I do not think we are in danger of not truly *wanting* them. I only think that many of us are at risk of being misdirected as to what it takes to build them, and wind up buying into the lies and bad experiences of others whom we may or may not truly relate to, or have anything in common with.

 

Having the *wrong stuff* versus having the *right stuff* (i.e. the "right stuff" being info, feedback, experience, -and even therapy) can lead to a lot of failure, disapointment, and an utter feeling of despair in forming relationships. Eventually, that despair can lead to bitterness and the adoption of behavior and thinking that purposely side-steps routes to building healthy relationships.

 

That's why figuring out for ourselves what makes us tick is ultra-important: it's the best way to confront the real 'you', stop buying into someone else's lies and experiences, and start learning what your true values, morals, and ideals are -what beliefs it is important for you to have and adhere to- and certainly what really makes *you* absolutely, at the *core*, happy.

 

 

Take Care.

-Rio

[Rooster_DAR]

Well stated!