mattea Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 my b/f and i have been together for about 9 or 10 months. we both have lots of friends. i've met a lot of his, he's met a lot of mine. while i like his friends and he likes mine, we recently admitted this to each other: "when i'm hanging out with your friends, i feel a lot more like your girlfriend/boyfriend than my individual self". for my part, that means that i'm there hanging out with people, trying to get to know them because they are his friends and they are hanging out with me because i'm his girlfriend. i haven't really formed my own relationships with his friends and neither has he with mine. like i said, i like his friends, they are nice people. but often i don't necessarily feel like i really click with them, i don't have the history he has with them, and maybe we don't have that much in common. it's good to have my own friends, but this is still tough. i feel like we're both often putting in a lot of effort trying to get to know each other's friends and hang out with them, but at least for me it's often not that enjoyable because it's more effort than fun. i know this is what you do for a partner, but does it ever get easier? it's hard because he has sooo many friends and a lot of them know each other and have a long history as a social group. have others been through this? i guess some people meet within a social group and so there are already mutual friends, but this really wasn't the case with us at all.
bluechocolate Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I don't really get what the problem is here. i haven't really formed my own relationships with his friends and neither has he with mine. And maybe you never will. So what? You don't have to form relationships with each others friends to be successful as a couple. As long as everyone gets along when you're together what does it really matter? Besides he's known these people for years & you've only been together for 9 or 10 months. Be patient.
insomnie Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I have the exact same thing going on with my boyfriend, except he has one group of friends with whom he hangs out with simultaneously, while I have a few close ones I hang out with more often individually. We've been together 2 years and haven't merged social lives at all, but this has never seemed like a problem. I like having a support network totally outside the relationship and people to go to when I want time off. I think he feels the same way. I do sometimes wish we had at least a few mutual friends with whom we could hang out, if only for variety. 99% of the time we spend together is one-on-one, the other 1% comes from family obligations we go to togehter. Maybe that's not so healthy =(. He's the one who pushes harder for social separateness. As for your situation...I don't know how you can faster bond with his friends. You can't really push thigns like that, and usually having a history is really really important, especially in group settings. I also always feel like __'s girlfriend when I am around his friends, not like an indivudal. I'm not sure how much time it takes for them to start knowing you as you. Just keep working on it, I guess, if it's important to you. But also look at the upside of having likes that aren't merged: less drama, separate support network, more opportunity for you to get away from each other in a healthy way to start missing each other again. It's not all bad =). Don't fixate so much on this, and be patient.
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