megnog Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 okay so last night i was over at my boyfriends house and we did it and afterwards, he always does this, he got up, cleaned up and put on his clothes. this has always SORT of bothered me because i'd rather just lay there with him naked for a bit but its not to where i would ever mention it. well after any time we have sex, i always feel sort of distant, sort of like it didn't mean anything. and we've been dating for 2 years now so it should mean something. anyway i finally mentioned it last night saying i felt like something was missing and he said he'd rather talk about it another night because he wanted to have a good time. i was confused so he got right into it saying a few problems i don't want to mention so as not to expose my entire sex life, but then he talked of how right after he goes, for like a minute, he feels uncomfortable and awkward. he says he feels this way WHENEVER he goes, not just sex. thats why he jumps up and puts on his clothes . so i'm wondering, i guess this question is mostly for guys, if other guys feel this way or what it could possibly be? he sees a therapist and he said hes thought of asking her what it could be but he doesn't feel comfortable talking about that kind of stuff with her. he said he might ask his friends and see if every guy feels this way but i have a feeling its not that urgent for him to find out. i just want to know what it could be.... any ideas??
bluechocolate Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 .... any ideas?? It sounds like he has issues like feeling dirty about the whole sex thing. And I think for some people it's strange because an orgasm is probably one of those times when we're at our most vulnerable with someone else and this can make a lot of people feel uncomfortable. ...this has always SORT of bothered me.. Only SORT of bothered you? It is a shocking display of a lack of intimacy from someone you've been seeing for over 2 years. The next time he gets up & starts putting his clothes immediately after sex present him with a bill for services rendered.
rina_r Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 The next time he gets up & starts putting his clothes immediately after sex present him with a bill for services rendered. Hahaha, great! I , personally, would not tolerate such behavior.
superconductor Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 ...I'd rather just lay there with him naked for a bit but its not to where i would ever mention it. Could be that his crystal ball is in the shop. If you don't tell him, he'll never know. Despite what a LOT of women think, men aren't able to read your mind. If you want something, try this novel idea: ASK.
Walk Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Makes me think he has a fear of being too exposed. Emotionally. Closes himself off to you by jumping up and doing something else. I've seen guys do this on occasion... but it was a quicky usually. Had other things we had to do afterward, or we were late going somewhere. Otherwise, only other guy that put his clothes on right after, only put his underwear on. He said it's because he "dribbles" and doesn't like getting the bed all sticky and having to sleep on it. Personally, i would think he's holding himself off from becoming too close to you. Keeping a portion at a distance. Possibly out of fear of being hurt? Or possibly he has a diffiult time with strong emotions, so he avoids them? Not sure. I think I'd bring it up.. partly for his benefit, and partly for your own. But in a compassionate curious type of conversation, more to get him to think on it, then to force him to answer questions he might have been avoiding asking himself.
Author megnog Posted September 2, 2006 Author Posted September 2, 2006 oh gosh, okay, thank you for the advice. the thing is, i always felt like it was a problem. i always felt a bit used because he would just jump up and not lay with me.. but the thing is, i've only had one other serious relationship where i had sex on the daily or weekly and so i didn't really know if that was okay or not okay. so this is not normal? ...damn.. i don't know what to do. i mean, this is a lot to take in. the fact that my first two posts said you wouldn't have it. after all this time. i don't know sometimes i feel like hes using me. and the thing is hes like.. 27 and i'm only 19 and i just feel like ..weird around him sometimes. i'm still in shock. i don't know how to take this. sometimes, i feel really comfortable around him and others i feel like a stranger to him. i guess thats what i was trying to uncover last night because every time we do it i feel awkward and upset. i don't know. i feel like a mess. Personally, i would think he's holding himself off from becoming too close to you. Keeping a portion at a distance. Possibly out of fear of being hurt? Or possibly he has a diffiult time with strong emotions, so he avoids them? Not sure. this might be it.. he does have problems. he has like 4 different medications hes on. i don't really understand all of them but i noticed that he had been acting more affectionate lately and he said its because he had stopped taking one of his meds for the past couple of days. like.. his meds make him numb to the world or something? i don't know what it could be but i have mentioned it. i think hes going to try to not let it get in the way or our sex life.. i.e. maybe not jump up so fast. but since we are on this topic.. and i really hope i'm not exposing myself too much.. he said another problem we have is that i don't shower before i come over?? he said hes a germaphobe (sp?) and if i "wanted more action down there" i need to shower right before i come over. i was really offended by this but maybe hes right? i feel like its hard for me to make decisions.. how would you guys feel??
Roo Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 my first thought was.. hmm did he come from a really religeous family?? does he have the fornication guilt??
Roo Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 ohhh and it sounds like he's trying to be really open and honest with you about his "issues" and that he's willing to work on it, so long as that's the case why not try to meet him half way... have you thought about having sex in the shower??
serial muse Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 any idea what "issues" he's seeing a therapist about? possible OCD?
norajane Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 Well, ok, 4 different meds and seeing a therapist - he's got ISSUES. I've been having sex for 18 years and not one man I've been with has ever immediately jumped up and put his clothes on, much less does it every time! That is NOT normal. My guess is he has fear of intimacy issues, among other things. As to the shower issue, yes, that's another issue. While clean is obviously preferable, unless you've been working out or whatnot, you're generally clean enough for most guys to enjoy rather than worry about germs. You can deal with this issue by showering together, and getting the fun going while you're in there. BUT, he does need to talk to his therapist about both issues, especially the jumping up and putting clothes on thing. If he's too embarrassed to discuss his sex life and sexual issues with his therapist, he needs to find a new therapist - maybe a man - that he can feel comfortable with.
Author megnog Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 his family is actually very religious, they do volunteer work at the church often, but hes not at all. he and i joke about how stupid it is.. we aren't very religious people. yeah, i'm glad he was being honest with me because i told him i was upset he hadn't told me this before and he told me hes never told anyone before.. so that felt kind of good. and we hung out the past 24 hours and had sex more than once, and all of the times we did it, we would lay together afterwards like i had asked him for. and it was nice. so i'm glad hes working on it. but i guess i was being stupid and i was just looking at him and i asked him how he felt - uncomfortable? comfortable? and he was like "well i was doing fine till you started staring at me" .. hes such a goof, he always gets embarassed around me about stupid things but i should just let it be. anyway, thanks for the suggestions.. we have tried to have sex in the shower but its always a tricky one for us. basically, we've never gotten off in the shower. or at least not that i can remember and we have taken showers together before, and its good fun but we don't do it often because i get all self conscious sometimes and don't want him to see me completely naked in the light heh. so yeah we've done that, and i always did shower for him but i guess the past few months i haven't been. but today and last night were good i think. about the therapist, i don't THINK he has OCD. i know he has problems sleeping at night, problems sleeping in general, and has a very mild case of narcolepsy? which i don't think is right.. but thats what he told me a while back. he takes paxil, i know that. umm i think he also has some kind of bi-polar -ness to him. i don't think thats what it is , but its similar to where he has strange mood swings. he has a really bad temper too so if he gets mad... beware. you know? anyway thanks for the help guys. hes working on it and thats always a good sign.. i was just wondering why he has that problem.
Moai Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Totally not normal. Laying naked next to naked woman is one of life's great pleasures. Actually, laying next to a woman and throwing naked in there in any combination is awesome. At the very least I would say that he is uncomfortable with his body.
Outcast Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 My guess is that he's OCD. I knew a guy like that and he didn't want anything to do with 'gross' liquids - including the ones that came out of himself!!! The germ phobia is a clue if he's got that, chances are that he's got a lot of other issues around cleanliness and so he feels icky after sex.
Hitman10000 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 You said it feels distant, Does the sex also feel mechanical? You could be in a relationship devoid of passion, I know the mechanical sex part. You just want to get it over with and be done. That happened in one of my "empty" relationships I had a couple years ago. She didn't smell all that great either and when I was done I just wanted to clean myself and put my clothes on afterwards. I am dating a girl right now when I do her, I usually clean up but I go back to making out with her for a bit then I have to clean up and she does the same and we cuddle afterwards. All I know is if I'm with a girl I'm so-so with the sex becomes mechanical, distant and I just want it over as soon as possible.
Guest Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 DOn't think you all have hit the problem yet........is your bf an overweight guy? Does he have scars or an acne problem? Suffice to say that he just might be embarrassed of his own body and wants to cover up when the deed is done.
Author megnog Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 the funny thing is, hes not uncomfortable with his body at all. at least, he shows no signs of being uncomfortable. the only thing i can think of is that whenever i was uncomfortable i'd kind of cover up myself and then when i did that he didn't want to be completely naked. but other than that one instance, he walks around naked and stuff so i can't imagine hes all that uncomfortable. i wish he wasn't like that if its so uncommon. but i don't think the sex is mechanical. sometimes, it is. for me. because sometimes its painful for me and after i go i just want it to be over with. (is that bad?) but i think most of the time its passionate. although, he never EVER kissed me during sex until i had to tell him i like it. and now he tries but ... i feel like its forced. damn i didn't realize we had such problems.. so does this mean he doesn't care that much about me? i'm so confused now.
norajane Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 I don't think it's that he doesn't care about you. He just has major sexual issues and needs to deal with them in therapy.
CrushedOrgans Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 has he had a real relationship before you? maybe it's a habit from one-night-stands or "hired help." not that that's comforting, but you certainly can't know everything about a person, especially in only 2 years. or maybe he just does it, it's a quirk of his, and you can wait for him to work on it, accept it, or move on without him.
lovestruck234 Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 I'm soooo relaxed after sex I could give a damn about being naked. My bf and I lay there naked with each other for ages before getting up....and when we get up we either just get into our undies and hop back into bed or have a nice warm shower together...hmm...nice. If your saying it's painful for you sometimes....that's physical pain I take it? So my 1 + 1 summary here is your saying it's painful, he very rarely kisses you during sex...(sex without kissing is like a party without presents.) and he hops satraight up afterwards....surely you can read the signs there can't you? I am sensing there is ZILCH passion in your sex life. It does seem very mechanical and forced and if you have to be telling him these things you want out of it quite a bit and so from there he does it, but what seems forcingly....hmmm...not good. I had a little prob with my sex life a little while ago where I was feeling as though I wasn't getting much passion out of it, I talked to him about it. He understood and pretty much took the words out of my mouth. From then on he said "he will try and improve" and he has....definitely. Although the whole "love making" doesn't happen as much as I probably would like it to, it still happens, and when it does, it is awesome!! Discuss it with him and I tell you what, if he keeps making up these "I'm havin too much of a good time to talk about it now" I would say "Well, glad to hear someone is, if you don't want to listen to what I have to say...then keep your clothes on from now on!!" Tell him it's serious and you shouldn't feel as though you hold back from talking with him cos you don't want to ruin a good night. You should be able to voice your opinion too. Tell him you want change, you're not satisfied and unless he's ready to provide that, you are sure there are plenty of other guys out there who would be willing. See how he reacts. Your no.1 problem is your submissive nature, you won't see change if you sit back in your arm chair and hope for it to sail in the window. Let him know that a relationship is 50/50, there is no dominant one, cos by the sounds of it, he uses his age to an advantage...put a stop to that RIGHT NOW. I have heard of plenty of relationships that have been burnt by the age factor. That why I hate when people bring up age. EVERYONE IS EQUAL. EVERYONE IS THE SAME. DOn't sit in silence anymore. This guy needs to pick up his act seriously... You have to show him you can be independant, cos your dependence on him is showing and he's taking advantage of that as well. You have a mouth, USE IT!!
nicki Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 It's a great sign that you are being honest with him, and he is talking openly and honestly with you about the reasons. I'm sure he cares about you about a great deal. It could be what everyone else is saying: he is afraid of the intimacy created. After a guy climaxes, he is very vulnerable and has just experienced a total loss of control and a complete let-down of all ego walls. It can be scary. So, it's good that you all are talking. I would suggest that you work something out with him to help reprogram him to stay in bed after lovemaking. He has learned to associate climax with "jump out of bed and run." So, baby steps to change his behavioral response. For instance, you could just start with him pausing after climaxing and taking a few breaths, hugging you, then gettting up. (Maybe start with the pausing and work up to the hugging, etc...taking it to where he is a little uncomfortable, but not panicky feeling, then stopping there.) Gradually stretch out the time and display/degree of intimacy. A therapist can help you with this kind of thing. As for the cleanliness issue, just go into the bathroom when you get to his place and wash up. This is probably too much information, but what the heck. I keep two squirt bottles in the bathroom. One with soapy water. One with clear plain water. I always wash up, every time I use the bathroom. Maybe I'm a bit too fanatical about being clean, but my boyfriend loves knowing I'm always ready for action....and he's the same way, too....excellent hygiene makes me want him all the time. Anyway, sounds like you two will be able to work this out, now that you are talking about it. Good luck!
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