B-3128 Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Went out for 8 months on and off. We met in a marketplace somewhere super random about 4000 miles from home. We found out that we are at college together. We hooked up back home. While it lasted, we did EVERYTHING together. Studied together, ate together, etc., so it feels like we have been together a lot longer. We had our difficulties in the past. She cheated on me a month in with her xbf. Broke up, then got back together. I tried to dump in self disgrace after I felt unworthy of her for neglecting valentines day. I resolved to try super hard afterwards. I moved from being a sub-standard bf (cynical about true love and guilty of making her like me more if I was cynical etc.) to being a good bf (put my heart and soul into it). We did nice things and I said nice things etc. Flowers, presents etc. We then had an argument over something silly. Then her xbf wrote her a letter saying he can't tolerate being just friends and that it was goodbye. Then she cried. Then I comforted her. And we were ok. I was so in love with her. Then I went home for two days. Then I was cold when I returned. She said she didn't think things were going well. Having put in a lot of effort lately, I snapped and dumped her. A day before her exams. HORRIBLE THING TO DO!!! I was so in love with her! Then holidays started. I made a journey especially to apologize. I took full responsibility and made it clear. Of course, I could have been clearer. She forgave me, at least, she said so then. We had broken up. She got back together with her xbf after exams. They went on holiday together etc. I stayed home and sank into a depression. Next term starts. She starts hanging out with me a lot. Then ends up cheating on her xbf (same guy throughout) with me. Then she decides she needs to dump him because she's doing stuff with me etc. She goes to his town (3hrs away) and takes two days over it. Sleeps with him in the process. I am cut. "What was I supposed to do? He was my boyfriend!" I try and hold out and be friends. I don't want to get together with this Jerry Springer girl. Too much drama. Alas, we keep doing stuff. We go to a club a week or so later. The morning of that night, we had been together so to speak. In the club, she intimidates me by giving other guys attention. She wants to make me commit to going out with her again. Her plan works. I submit. We get together. By this point, trust was an issue. I was hopeful. She was too. We were trying to make it work. There were a lot of silly arguments. I was head over heels nonetheless. Thought she was my soulmate etc. College ends for the summer. Her xbf is harassing her about getting back together with her. He does not know that she is with me. She didn't tell him because he would never speak to her again if he found out. I explain my position that I understand her situation and don't want to add to her pressures by being an ahole about it myself. Nonetheless, I assert that it is an incredibly unpleasant situation for me and that this is not how I can accept other guys behaving towards my gf. Because I am a male who does not sink to pathetic displays of anger etc, I think it seemed to her that I was not that bothered. She had an abusive father and probably only really seems to connect with male emotions that are expressed agressively. That was always a barrier. I am a placid guy. She wants guns, bombs, and jealousy. In the holiday, I am working a summer job in one city and she is in her hometown. She is being non-responsive over the phone. I get fed up. Talking to her feels like a chore because she always seems to be upset and sulky, but never says why. Eventually it all comes out. She is bothered so much because I am not making time to call her. Me calling her for a while before I shoot off to meet friends or before I need to go catch the shops or on my way somewhere etc. is not good enough for her. I make more effort and it settles a bit. I go to visit her one weekend. I am earning a summer wage and splash out on a good time for us both. That weekend was amazing. We had a great time and for the week after, things were going a lot better. We were talking well on the phone. This was all about 9 weeks ago. The next weekend, she went on a package holiday to visit her country of origin. It was organized for students. She was away for 2 weeks. Made no contact. I wrote her emails daily. I worried, but I kept my faith and kept writing and writing. Telling her what I've been up to, making up funny poems about her etc. I had bad dreams but I held on. I wanted to trust her so much. I prayed that we were through the bad times. That we had reached the light at the end of the tunnel. She came back from holiday well over a month ago. I was there to surprise her at the airport with flowers and a present. She dumped me there and told me that she had cheated on me. She met a guy in her tourgroup and he's now her new boyfriend. Said things between us weren't working out etc. blah blah blah, and that in her mind, it was over a week into her trip. "I'm really sorry" she said heartlessly. It was like a formality for her. She told me off because she had told me not to come to meet her (didn't want me to meet her mother - I was there before however so I never saw her anyway). She was pissed that I was upset with her and proud of herself for telling me what she had done. "What was I supposed to do? Pretend everything was OK and then come visit you next weekend and dump you then?" She knew that the scenario was movie-grade horrible and was adamant to cleanse herself of blame. "You said you didn't want me anyway if I cheated on you". I said that after she had gone and screwed her xbf whilst dumping her. I had made it clear that I wanted something more stable and nice with her. I wanted no more Ricky Lake dramas. To her, it was like a justification. Like me saying that makes my love incomplete. She thinks I'm full of silly rules like this and it really pisses her off. It's as though her cheating suddenly makes her undesirable for me and that it is painless for me. She has it so wrong! I was broken. I was shaking. My body temperature rose. I felt like throwing up. I didn't cry. I told her I wanted to because that was how she would understand. I was not agressive. I used no foul language. I was a mess. Me: Why did you do it? Her: "Because I really like him. I don't love him, but I like him." A text the night after from me: "I can't believe you would rather suck some guy's c1ock than not hurt me like this!" Felt so betrayed. Felt so bereaved. She was my best friend. Now she was a monster. And she wouldn't even hear me out about it. Was frustrated. "Look, let's just be friends OK?!" - ie. ffs, stop talking about it, I know, I'm sorry, now shut up... Two days later, she had a minor illness and got her brother to call me and tell me. I told him that she can call me if she feels up to it and offered my sympathies. She called the next day. I was at the cinema. "Won't waste your time then, bye". Sulky that I didn't call I guess. I had been hurt so much that I was looking out for myself. Jesus/Mother Teresa might have called her when she was ill. I am neither of those. I was having trouble eating. Biscuits and hot water were the only things I could eat in comfort at the time. A week or two later, she emails in reply to a poem I wrote for her. Thanks me for it. I am writing letters but not sending them. Trying to cope with the thoughts. I crumble and text her to ask her if she would read them. She says that she would rather not as the content would upset her. I write her an email telling her that she should stop being so hateful and filled with anger towards me. She had mentioned the bad things I had done to her in the past. To her, I pretty much deserved everything she did to me. She seemed to have gone away and meditated on every bad thing, forgotten our AMAZING times, and returned full of anger. I pleaded with her to stop hating me. I at least wanted my friend who cared about me back. Not someone who resented me and was not prepared to hear me out when I was so hurt. She was just angry angry angry. I call later to check if she had read my email. She says that she hasn't got internet at home. I PRINT OUT THE EMAIL AND POST IT TO HER!!! Then I write her a letter explaining to her that she must be a really hurt person to have behaved so selfishly and angrily at the airport. I apologize for everything. I even apologize for not calling her when she was ill. I am vanquished. She doesn't want to talk. I think her new bf was with her at the time. Her friends hate me. They think I deserve what she did to me. They even told her that she should have waited until before my exams to do it. Still in a nauesous depressive state, I am reduced out of desparation to reading the holy book, something I never do! As I do so, she texts me saying that we should stop this BS and just be friends. I tell her that I really want to be friends again but that she has to apologize for what she did and mean it and take a bit more responsibility for my welfare. She refuses. "I'm the one texting you asking to be friends. Do you want to be friends or not?!" She won't apologize again. Says she already has. She clearly doesn't get what I mean. I don't want an angry frustrated aplogy. I want a genuine heartfelt apology like the ones I gave her. I end up calling her. Things are cagey. She destroys more of my soul by telling me how she really really likes this new guy. Me: If your best friend Liz had a bf, would you push a button to have her cheated on, even if she never found out? I am so upset that you would do that to me, just between you and yourself. Her: Stop your analogies, they're so wrong. It's more like if Liz was going out with a total bastard, would I push a button and get her with someone really really nice. -------------------------- I am a broken man. Destroyed. Sleeping, eating, studying... all of it is so difficult. I clicked on her myspace profile just now and one of her new bf's friends had left a message about how happy her new bf has become. That's enough to get me sick and shaking. And the worst thing is, this is five weeks on. Maybe it's time to seek medical assistance? I want to be able to go to bed and wake up without this painful reality to haunt me. I am totally incapacitated by this. Feels like I am being truly punished for my sins. And let's not get confused about this. I am not a loser. I have so many things to be grateful for. I can make girls like me and I know they do. Even so, I am a total total mess. Feedback? Help? Anything?!
Returning Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 yep, read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954 take the walk Good Luck
Tormented Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 I am a broken man. Destroyed. Sleeping, eating, studying... all of it is so difficult. I clicked on her myspace profile just now and one of her new bf's friends had left a message about how happy her new bf has become. That's enough to get me sick and shaking. And the worst thing is, this is five weeks on. Maybe it's time to seek medical assistance? I want to be able to go to bed and wake up without this painful reality to haunt me. I am totally incapacitated by this. Feels like I am being truly punished for my sins. And let's not get confused about this. I am not a loser. I have so many things to be grateful for. I can make girls like me and I know they do. Even so, I am a total total mess. Feedback? Help? Anything?! B... Wow! I read your post, blinked. Read it again, blinked some more. I now understand why you responded to my post. It you right at home, so it seems. You're right...you and I are experiencing the same nightmare...at the same time. B, ever hear of a disorder called "Borderline Personality?" If not, I encourage you to research it on the web. After doing so, I think it will blow you away at how many symptoms of this disorder she displays. You see, Borderlines are like vampires. They need to "feed" off of your love in order to maintain "balance" in their twisted psyche/dynamics. The more you discover about this disorder, the (hopefully) more you will realize that no matter WHAT you did differently, the outcome would have been the same. Why? Because NO one person could EVER meet the needs/demands of a Borderline...it is not humanly possible. One of the criteria's of a Borderline is cheating/infidelity...and is it any wonder considering the enormous amount of attention they require? Believe me, they need YOU more than you need THEM. And in order to get what they need, they often incorporate at least (but very often more) victims to "feed" off of. They will build a web of false promises and a false sense of security to snare you in. "I love you...I feel safe with you...I want to spend my life with you...I've never felt this way about anybody else before...you're my soulmate...." are just a few of the lines they will spoon feed you to keep you within their web. But the minute you don't immediately meet their demand(s), or they sense what they perceive to be "coldness" in your tone, or you don't seem "loving/enthusiastic," even for a few short minutes, they will turn on you at the drop of a hat. And that's when they turn to victim number 2. And the same web they built for you they will build for this one as well. And the sick cycle begins all over again. And when #2 doesn't deliver, or becomes tired or overtaxed with their impossible demands, right back to you they come....because, after all, they MUST have their needs/demands met. It's not even a choice...it's a MUST. Because, you see, a Borderline has a deep rooted fear of abandonment. They MUST feel loved, adored...worshipped even. And they will go from victim to victim to get what they need. Once the victim is "drained," they will find another. There is a book written on this disorder that is excellent...gets down to the nitty-gritty of it. It's called "I Hate you, don't leave me." Not sure who the author is, but if you type that title in the toolbar I've no doubt it will come up. Now, understanding this disorder will give you some insight as to why she acted the way she did/does. It won't take the pain away, but hopefully, it will help you realize that it WASN'T your fault. NOTHING you did deserved the hell she dished out to you. And maybe, just MAYBE you'll stop beating yourself up when you gain some insight into what's REALLY going on with her. Remember, too, that a Borderline is quite skilled at placing the blame on her victim for HER behavior. She will suck you dry, and when you haven't anymore to give, will point at you while in the arms of her next victim and scream..."IT'S YOUR FAULT! IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LOVED ME MORE, I'D STILL BE WITH YOU!" The sad part? By this point in the sick game, most victims are so completely brainwashed by the Borderline, they believe it! Which serves two purposes for the Borderline. 1). It keeps the victim guilt-stricken and in love, thus pining after the Borderline and more than willing to take him/her back with open arms upon the Borderline's return, and, 2). By placing the blame on the victim, it justifies the Borderline's betrayal which will then relieve them of any guilt...allowing them to continue using others to get their needs met. Sick, isn't it? My ex's girlfriend did the SAME exact thing as your ex. She left the guy she was living with for my ex. She lived with him for about 5 months, all the while cheating on him with the man she left for him. She finally left my ex...taking with her $800.00 of HIS money, computer and other "goodies" that belonged to him, to went back to the old boyfriend. She then married the old boyfriend within a week of leaving my ex. She has been married for about 8 months, and has now left him (her now husband) for my ex, and as far as I know, is living with him. And no doubt, she will dump my ex and go back with her husband a few months down the road. Now mind you, my ex told me all about her, what she did to him, how she about destroyed him, how he hated her, how he would NEVER have anything to do with her again. Yet, there she is...back in his life. In fact, he left me for her. Why? Well, like I said...Borderlines are HIGHLY manipulative and dangerous to their victims. They will do whatever they have to do to keep their victims swathed in their web. They become like a drug for their victims, an addiction. My ex is FULLY aware of what she is capable of, yet has taken her back in. Now, I certainly hope that what I'm about to say doesn't come off as arrogant and conceited because that is NOT my intention. I'm stating what I, and others, see as fact. She is short, heavy set, not particularly pretty in any way. She is diagnosed as Borderline Personality and ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). She is on psychotropic medications, or at least, she use to be. She cuts on herself when highly upset (he told me he use to come home to a bathtub full of blood). She has no job skills and must depend on others (mostly men) to support her. She has established the fact that she is quite capable of cheating and won't hesitate to leave if she finds something that has something better to offer. I, on the other hand, am thin, fairly attractive...blonde/blue, loyal and am a professional. I feel I have MUCH more to offer than her. Yet, the minute she hit the scene, he took the bait. However, I am now getting "hang ups" on my phone. It's been a week since we've split up, and IF he finds that he misses me, it should be setting in about now. Will I accept a call from him? Will I see him? Do I want to speak to him? Do I want him back in my life? No, no, no, and HELL NO. Unlike him, I am NOT weak, nor can I be easily manipulated. He made his choice...he made his own bed...now he can lie in it. He crossed the line. I would NEVER trust him again. He's got to know that. If he doesn't know anything else about me, THAT he should know. Even if he wanted to contact me, even if he knows by now he's made a horrible mistake...I've no doubt he'd be afraid to contact me. Hell, for all I know...she already went back to her husband, or he told her to get lost. Who knows, who cares...not my problem. And you know what, B? It's NOT your problem either. Look, I only know you from the few posts we've written to each other. But from what I can gather from them, you seem to be a good, decent man who deserves MUCH better than what this b*tch has to offer. Now then...the only challenge you have before you is to BELIEVE it. Keep your head up, my friend. Please keep posting. You have helped me so much...I hope I've done the same for you. ~Tormented~
Author B-3128 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Posted September 2, 2006 Tormented, I just read your post. You're so spot on it's scary! My ex also cuts her wrists and takes antidepressants. She hates her mother (would not care if she died) and her behavious fits in with so much with what you describe. The similarities end in that my ex is quite attractive and isn't fat. She's also a law student at a world class institution (something like Harvard/Yale etc.) and quite a tough cookie to argue with. That makes her quite a dangerous vampire. Also, the setting was so unreal. Imagine you're in a trinket market somewhere random like Mongolia or Zambia. You're taking a photo (I'm a serious photographer) of something obscure, then this girl and her friend come up because you're a fellow foreigner and asks you what you're up to. Turns out you study at the same place, she's even better than you at your instrument (favourite hobby)! It's rare. So so romantic!!! With a shroud like that, you can hide pretty much anything. The whole story is pretty Hollywood to be honest. I have felt before that she is like a drug that I am addicted to. Slowly, I am beginning to realise how much she destroyed my confidence, even during the course of our relationship. I always felt like I was in debt, on review, and forever compensating for my defects. Nonsense. I've had enough of that BS. I even feel sorry for the guy she's now with because he's probably going to have to go through an abusive relationship. Then again, if he doesn't know what's on his plate, it can't hurt him. He might actually be happy?! Who knows, who cares. Yesterday I hit rock bottom. Nothing new. I keep hitting it. That's usually when I start drilling! Seriously though, this is affecting me too much. I woke up today and was determined to pull myself together. It's ridiculous. I can't let her destroy my potential. This year really matters for me. I can either get a really good degree and make it in the world or I can get crappy grades and have a mediocore career. I really can't let this psycho get the better of me. I'm just so scared that my momentum won't last and that I'll sink again into the useless abyss. I probably will venture there in a couple of days when I get a bland heartless weather report of a postcard from her (she's on vacation at the moment). Things like that are a testament to failure. Still, I am set on making it. I'm young and inexperienced. I made mistakes and learnt the hard way. I didn't observe NC. It just ended up destroying me even more. I guess it's different when you're in there. So it was humiliating etc. but hey, not like it really matters much what she thinks anymore... Hmmm.... perhaps that's a dangerous attitude. Might make her unable to keep her hands off me! ;P Tormented, thanks so much for your help. Sharing similar experiences has been so good. It's good to feel that you're not going through it alone. I'll keep posting as I go. Hopefully our bubbles of realisation will not burst! Hope you're off the biscuits now B
Guest Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 "Seriously though, this is affecting me too much. I woke up today and was determined to pull myself together. It's ridiculous. I can't let her destroy my potential. This year really matters for me. I can either get a really good degree and make it in the world or I can get crappy grades and have a mediocore career." Keep your focus. You are the only one you have to spend the rest of your life with. Keep that fact in mind. Turn the ringer off of the phone & study. My MIL used say, women/men are like trains, another will be by to take you where you want to go in 10 minutes. Yeah that is an exaggeration by all means, when you want to go somewhere with love. Concentrate on what you KNOW is good for you. Leave little to no time to what you unsure of & you will be fine. You are smart. Eating is good for you. Studying is good for you. Your hobby, photography, is good for you. Resting is good for you. And finally if 'it' brings you down, it is BAD for you. We have all been in dark places. These upbeat lyrics have always helped me! Do not lose your inner child!
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