Can I get her back

[The write one]

OK, I'm a 26-year-old man who need someone's perspective, male or female, on my situation and i pray you can help me get back the love of my life. I'll try and make this brief and to the point, so I'll leave out the lovie dovie stuff and give you just the bad.

Very recently my girlfriend of eight years who was also my fiancé told me she wanted out of the relationship.

It took me for a shock, but i knew something was coming for about a year or three now. I recently moved 800 miles to be with her because i felt our relationship was slipping. I left a good job, a nice home and a huge network of people because i wanted to save my relationship with my high school sweat heart (4 years in college, 4 years in grad school). Not to mention, i couldn't fully enjoy myself without her by my side. However, i begged her to tell me if she wanted me to move to her city to to further our relationship. She said yes.

Anyway, I moved in with her and a few months later i popped the question. The response was lackluster at best. While it was a yes, it was given to me in the form of a crying "OK." In fact, i had to do it twice, because she said the first time she was scared. Now, here is where i believe her fears came from.

Me and my now ex-fiance got together in our senior year of high school and the relationship has lasted up until two weeks ago. We have known and liked each other for since 9th grade in high school, but she was too scared to tell me up until a few months before prom. We were perfect together in every way. However, i wasn't perfect by myself.

On about two or three occasions, I told her i wanted to break up when i was in my late teens/early 20s. I did this because she would do dumb stuff that she knew wouldn't sit well with me and i wanted her to know how much it hurt me. Instead of telling her "that hurts," I pretended like i wanted to end the relationship. She would cry and at least an hour later, i told her i forgive you.

I also used to lie or not tell her the full story behind something in my teens and early 20s, for fear she would leave me. She was a "good girl" and a nerd in high school and i was the class clown, thugged-out loser, with no thoughts of a future, so i felt i had to keep up a facade or she would leave me. I know, I've got issues.

Anyway, I never cheated, but lied none the less about major things like what college i was going to (community college for 6 months) or my smoking habit that started at 13. I once even left town for a week or so without telling or contacting her, just to go out for a weekend event with my boys. I told her i was one place and i was really at a college party. I got caught by one of her college roommates.

As i got older and more comfortable with her and myself, i told her the truths behind my lies. I also told her i used to threaten to break up with her, not because i really wanted to, but because i used that as a form of control over her. My confessions weren't taken lightly, but i promised to change and we moved on.

Well about three and a half years ago, on a Saturday night, i was extremely drunk, extremely depressed and extremely alone--800 miles aways from my love. That night, old habits arose. All week she would go out with friends in her city. Meanwhile, I'd be home sobbing in my pillow over my lonely life in grad school. When i would call her because i needed to talk, she wouldn't answer until like 3 or 4 in the morning. Instead of telling her i needed to talk that night, i told her she would be better off without me, because I was a loser.

She told me before, that if i ever threatened to break up again, she wasn't coming back. But i still went there. Between the over-the-phone tears and the questions of "are you sure," from her, I realized my old tactics aren't going to work this time. So i begged her back into my life, told her i would never try and break up with her again and she took me in. However, she told me she lost some love for me that night.

After a few months, things were almost 100 percent again until i found her high school diary under her bed. I took it and i read it and i was shocked by some of the things in there. She told me when we first got together that i was her first (sexually) and i was only the second guy she had ever kissed. The diary told a different story. Nothing dealing with sex, but first and second base with some third guy for sure.

Instead of letting it go, because the stuff in the diary was way before us, I took the diary back to my house 800 miles away. Then i made up some elaborate story about the boy in her diary and how i met him one day he told me about their episode. I did it trying to catch her in a lie, which i did. But when i called her on it and told her i had her diary, she denied her own written words. She also said she felt hurt that i once again lied to her and i stole her diary. Even through she broke into my email and made up a lie to chec the numbers on my phone a year before. Regardless, we stayed together after the diary episode.

Since then, i noticed certain things cut off from her. Not a lot of affection or"I love yous," and sex almost came to a screeching halt.When we did engage in love making, she acted uninterested or frustrated. My self confidence took a dive after her many "You're not touching me right" or "I'm done" or "You act like you don't know my body anymore."

But i was doing all of the same things and then some that she had loved for years (better in fact). It's just that she didn't seem into me. And that led me to frustration, which i bottled up. I would go silent and not talk to her because i didn't want to even hint that the relationship was failing or had problems. I believed that if i did say something, she would take that as another break up threat.

Knowing all of this is taking place, i still moved to her city and into her apartment. But her distance could still be felt and felt harder now that i saw her everyday. I would initiate sex, like i had done for a majority of the time and she would act uninterested or frustrated. I would then feel like a piece of **** and go silent. This cycle went on and on. I finally asked why are you acting like this toward me. "I know it's deeper than sex," I told her. She just said i don't do it like i used to. While all of this was going on i proposed to her to show her my undying love. The response sucked as i said before, but we were engaged.

The problems, however, remained, the wedding planning completely stopped, i could never talk about the future with her because she would get frustrated. So we finally decided to go to counseling.

Side note: She was in grad school in her city studying to be a doctor. Unfortunately, a few months before i came to live with her, she failed out of the program. We made a deal after college that the first one who has a chance, should move to the other's city. She didn't and i felt hurt. She said she wanted to transfer some of her old credits into a masters program at her same school. I never told her that i felt she chose three or four credits over moving to my city. Instead, i packed up my things and moved out to be with her to comfort her and to save my relationship.End note

During our sessions with the relationship councilor, my woman said half of her wants to stay with me and the other half wants to break up. Our therapist told her she had to decide because she is destroying herself and me by hanging on the fence. In addition, i wanted to stay in the relationship. She cried and got mad about being the one having to make the decision.

We then decided that i should move out while we take a two month break for her to make her decision. It took longer than i expected to move out, so for three months we continued to live together, laughed together, even had good sex together. Then one night after giving her flowers and wine and telling her she was my special lady, she told me she wanted to end the relationship.

I was shocked, but she said she didn't just come to this conclusion over night. After she ended it, it took her three days to take the ring off, which i asked for her to remove. for the next few days we still laugh and play together, we still go out and hold hands together and even cuddle and cry together. Hell, we grew up together and she is my best friend.

After begging her to come back and telling her things will get better in the relationship if she gave me one more chance, she told me she still loves me, but love is not enough. She said we are on two separate plains,the relationship doesn't seem to be getting better, communication between us sucks, i never trusted her, I manipulated her and she doesn't know herself or what she wants anymore. "I'm hollow," she said. Therefore, her decision is final.

Well, i can't handle that and i want her back. So i guess my questions are...Do they ever come back? Has she found someone else? Can i save this relationship? Have i lost her forever? Is someone coaching her to stay the course? (she's seeing a therapist) Also given my long story, is this even worth saving?

I love this woman to death and i will do anything to get her back--legally. We've never been broken up and we are three weeks into this and her decision hasn't changed. I moved out a week ago, but before i left we laid in the bed and cried together. I know i messed up royally in my past but she can't seem to forgive me. I'm a good man, who is striving to be even better. I know we both have a lot of growing up to do as we are both in our mid 20s. but we had always planned to marry once we were done with school.

Now she just wants to be friends. She planning a trip to Vegas in Oct. with her girlfriend and going out almost every night. She is even talking about moving to Fla. with the same girlfriend, when she couldn't even decide where she wanted to live when we were engaged.

Meanwhile, i'm dying inside trying to move on. We used to talk everyday for eight years. We still talk a little, but it's mostlly through her texts messages. We are still in the process of giving each other's CDs back and kissing from time to time. But i think her lonely friends are making her push me away. I don't know, I just need to know what to do to get her back. I've been no contact for a day or two now, but before when we did talk and didn't mention "us"?

She told me she spent all day last Sunday crying and she is confused. What should i do? I want her back, but she seems to have moved on. What is your take on all of this? Please help as my heart is hurting and my mind is restless. She says her decision also hurts and she can't sleep, nor eat. But she is possitive this is what she wants. Do you think she just need time and space alone to reconsider? Is this really the end...or can i salvage this relationship?

[Ripples]

Seems like you both have quite significant trust issues. You, yourself seem to also have quite deep personal issues, not only the rebel thing, but feeling so lost when you're apart from your gf.

 

As a first step I think it's important for you to work on yourself, find a life where you are not relying on your gf to make you, or your life, feel good. Find it in other ways. Try and think about your beliefs and values, what they really are and how you can go about fulfilling them. For instance, if one of your values is to feel respected, maybe achieving that could be getting a qualification in a field that you are interested in.

 

Secondly, I think you need to give each other some space. Whilst you're still in contact, (yes, I know it's not very much, but even so) neither of you can think with clarity about the relationship and what you really want. Yes, it does seem like she's starting to move on, although who can really tell? But, either way, there's a lot of truth in the saying "if you set something free and it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with". I think she'll also respect you more if you make it clear that whilst you still love her very much (and that's important if she's feeling insecure), you need to love yourself as well and that means having some space away from her.

 

I hope that seems somewhat sensible for you.

[The write one]

It does, thank you. I know I based my happieness on her and that can create pressure. But i just don't understand why it has to be the end. She made me promises that I didn't take lighty. Like moving to her city, taking my engagments ring, etc. etc. Knowing humans can change their minds at anytime, I'm still in a state of confusion with this whole thing. Like how is it she can all of a sudden want to move down south with her girlfriend, when she couldn't make up her mind about when she even graduates. I guess she's having a moment of clarity in her life right now.

I swear, i didn't do anything to hold her down. I was very jealous though. All i can think about is getting her back. I have a lot of issues to work out between now and then and even though i yern for her now, i don't want her back until i want myself. In the meantime, I'm doing the 30-day NC with her.

I just hope she remembers all of the good times and good qualities i had when we were together. Maybe then she will believe she made the wrong decision. Do exs ever come back?

[swirly27]

Write-

 

I feel for you as well. When you let someone else control how happy you are, that is just hard and not good. We all have relationships and such that if things are down, we will not be in the best of moods, but you should know you are a great person and believe it and that alone should make you happy....someone else thinking that about you should only make you happy-ER.....but I do the same thing sometimes so I understand how you feel.

 

Now the hard part......trying to move on, do NC and live your life for yourself and making yourself happier. It sucks and its hard and can be downright lonely, even with all the friends in the world. But, it is soooo worth it. I myself already thought I was happy with myself, till my last dating relationship failed - I ended it but I didn't want to, but his actions kinda gave me no choice. I was lonely and I got very excited about this guy and now I am down again....but still know I am a great girl and SOMEDAY its gotta work for me. lol Just stay busy, and even though its hard to keep your mind off of her, you get out there and try new things, throw yourself into stuff, read alot, even self help books. Anything so at the end of the day, you'll start to feel a little better. The loneliness feeling wears off a bit and then when you meet the next person....or talk to this girl again, you'll know what you're worth. Good luck!

 

You wanna know when most exes come back.....when they see we don't need them to. SUCKS!

[Ripples]

Swirly is right, sometimes exes will only come back when they see we don't need them.

 

The promises she made... well, maybe she felt pressurised to make them, maybe she didn't know how to say no. Not that I'm excusing her. Or maybe she's just changed her mind. It won't get you anywhere wondering about what has happened, or why. Sometimes we need to accept that we won't get all the answers we want before we can move on.

 

And you're doing the right thing, NC, working on yourself. The rest is going to be up to her, I'm afraid.

[The write one]

I'm just working out at the gym, dedicating myself to my job and i start counciling next week. I'm even leaving for Chicago tonight...for a wedding that we both were supposed to go to, mind you. Anyway, she exchanged her flight ticket for one to Vegas baby yeah.

 

I have so much to ask all of you, I just don't know where to start. Ripples you basically answered the most pressing question. Maybe she did feel pressured to say yes to my engagment and move. But i thought we had an open honesty and she would tell me the truth. What a fool for love i was.

 

I gotta get some friends out here as well. I dedicated my all to her, so much in fact, that i didn't make any buddies in the year that i've been here. However, she going out every freaking night with her friends. I'm not jealuos, just mad that i didn't create a network here. I have no family here either and this city makes me sick.

 

I'm also trying to ignore my long distance friends and family who wish her doom. My mother is saying she probably left me for another "woman" and she will pay one day for dragging me out here with a ring, knowing she didn't want to go any further with me.

 

They're also saying she will eventually realize she made a big mistake and try and come back. Well, we both made mistakes, especially me, and i just hope it's not one of those six years later phone calls if she does decide to come back. I would have been long moved on by then. Lets all cross out fingers and hope it's just a week from now.

[Ripples]

Eheh! It maybe a bit longer than a week!

 

Hey, you've got it sorted. Good stuff

[The write one]

Do I?

 

I'm worried about her having sex with other people. First off, I was her first and only. So her being free to the world scares me. I know this sounds like bs, childish, selfishness but its on my mind and really want to share.

Also, what if she finds someone who makes her happy. I'm really out of the picture then. Please forgive me for my stupid thoughts, but i've never been in serious relationship before her and i would have never believed she would leave me...and it's only been three weeks since she did and two days since i've seen or heard from her.

[thekhris]

Girls may come back she may not..BUT according to my own experiences she will only come back ones she is ready and ones you let-go..

[swirly27]

Write,

 

If this is your first real serious relationship, consider this a great learning experience then....most of us on here have been thru it multiple times and it doesn't get any easier, but it makes us more wiser of our own expectations and every learning experience is a great thing. Sounds good in theory huh.....it'll be well when you're over her that you'll agree and be telling someone else the same thing.

 

All the things you are worried about are normal....you miss her and want her back and you are keeping busy, but still have this great hope that she'll come back....but she very well may not at all. You'll get thru this and it will SUCK, but keep doing what you're doing. Definitely get out there and make some friends, take a class somewhere, keep the gym up, talk to people, put yourself out there and counseling definitely rocks. Its like paying to talk to someone who can and will always listen, but can help with making yourself actually feel better too. Too bad we didn't all have a friend that was actually a therapist as their job. haha

 

You'll get thru this but in the end, it will only ever work with this girl if she truly realizes what she has lost and works on herself to realize this and makes it worth it to you to give it another shot.....

[The write one]

Does the 30 day NC thing work?

[Ripples]

Do I?

 

I'm worried about her having sex with other people. First off, I was her first and only. So her being free to the world scares me. I know this sounds like bs, childish, selfishness but its on my mind and really want to share.

Also, what if she finds someone who makes her happy. I'm really out of the picture then. Please forgive me for my stupid thoughts, but i've never been in serious relationship before her and i would have never believed she would leave me...and it's only been three weeks since she did and two days since i've seen or heard from her.

 

There is really no point whatsoever, worrying about what she may or may not do at this point although it's entirely human to feel that way. However, you need to take responsibility for your feelings and find a way to deal with them. Everytime you start thinking these things, remember that you have no way of knowing what is going on, and whatever is going on will have no effect on the outcome. If she's happier with someone else, then be happy for her and be happy for yourself that she's leaving you now and not in 20 years time. And don't forget, you are also free to have sex with someone else, you're also free to find someone who makes you happy. It works both ways.

 

The counselling is a good idea, I'm sure you'll benefit enormously as you seem to have a good understanding of yourself to begin with.

[swirly27]

IMO, there is no golden NC rule. It depends on whats going on with the other person. Sometimes NC is a game or is used as one, and sometimes that works. But NC should be used for YOU to move past this and feel and act as though its over.....not as a deadline for when she'll magically realize her loss or a deadline for when you can try talking to her again.

 

I had a bf in highschool who was so used to me begging and pleading that when I ignored him for 2 days, he was struck with missing me.....then again, we were alot younger and more immature, but you get the point. But NC is good either way for the most part....it gives her space that she may need, time to figure out what she wants and doesn't want and it gives you the time to move on, not constantly kill yourself hearing her voice or being stringed along and you will grow from this.

 

Only someone who is not YOU right now feeling what you're feeling can say this to you because we are not hurting for her like you are. But you could turn around and say this stuff to me, as I am hurting and with each post or advice I write here, I try and drill it into my own head. lol

[Ripples]

Does the 30 day NC thing work?

 

Yes. Even if the outcome is you don't get back with her.

[fuzzy71]

i was in a 20 year marrage and to be honest i cant give you real good advice its only been 2 months since she had me removed form the home and moved someone the next day and this is the second time she has done it i do know this the last time she did this it took her about 3 months to see i was moving on and she called one nite out of the blue to talk and wouldnt you know it i went home and would again but im trying real hard not to show anything or even go around her and her new man whats the point i cant stop it it hurts bad but we deal with it hang in there im with yah

[thekhris]

Does the 30 day NC thing work?

the range is from 2 weeks to 4months...

complete and perfect NC!!!!!!!!...

[carlin]

Hi.

I was engaged to my girlfriend for over a year, said i wanted a little time apart just so i could spend time with my friends.

said she missed me and loved me and she wanted me back so i said i wanted to take her out for a meal.....two days later she said it was over for good.

i tried everything to get her back.

flowers, a letter(even though people told me not to send it), tried ringing her and sending a txt messages.

nothing has worked.

she said she wanted me to leave her alone. now i'm trying to use the NC thing.

will it work or not? i dont know but it's worth a try isn't it?