fuzzy71 Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Please help i was married to this women for 20 years 21 as of 9/11 we have had a rough way to go and she has done this five years ago same thing she finds a new job meets people at work then some male hits or says the right words to her and she calls the cops says i did something to her and they put a tpo on me she then moves the male in..even tho all that has happend i still love this women i think of her everyday most people call me dumb for loving her but i cant seem to get over it she has allways come back in the past and im starting to belive she is not comming back this time not only did she have me removed but our daughter as well we have had no contact now for 2 months i cant seem to get my ehad on stright and all i want is to be with her she told me she loved me but she was numb inside and that she was just done with us but like i said i have heard that b4 and she allways calls but nothing this time nor has she even filed for divorce my and the other question is doesnt she even think about us at all she has my son and i miss them now on to the next part if saying she calls how do i repair my marriage so the cycle doesnt repeat itself again is it a waste of time i think not but then again all i want is her back to have my family and my home what do i do how do i mend how do i go on?
mgm Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Unfortunatly there is nothing you can do. I'm in the same situation my husband and I have been together for 21 years and married 16 of them. He cheated on me five years ago with a co worker did come back and just wanted all to go away. I loved him so much that I took him back even after all the lies. But now he has been gone for 8 months and we are in the process of a divorce that I filed for because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he would not file I have no idea why I'm sure in time he would have. He told me there is no one else that I just can't except he doesn't love me anymore. So I hired a PI and there is someone else how long we don't know since I only hired him a month ago big mistake on my part. But in my state it is no fault anyways. But I hope the judge frowns on this because it is a pattern. I know he will say he just started seeing her and we were seperated and getting a divorce. Well if you can jump into a relationship without trying to fix the first one that is sad. We have 3 children 15,11,8. She is also getting a divorce filed a month after us. So you do the math. never through this whole 8 months was there any sight of him trying because he has that void filled. So my advice to you because I have done it and still doing it is don't beg, pleaded say you will change or call. IT DOES NOT WORK. Alls they here is ya ya ya. Then go back with the creep and cry on there shoulder and tell them what a bad person you are. My husband will say she is there to listen to me because she is going through the same thing. Heard that before. Fine then talk over coffee at a starbucks. You don't hide her car in your garage and spend the whole weekend with her when you lied and said you had a golf outing and that's why you couldn't have your children. So sad I know we are not alone just read all the post's on this website. It makes me sick to think half the world does this. Where is the happy couples. I guess it was way back when...... Hope everything works out for the best for you. Keep posting there is alot of good people on this site, with some good advice...
Author fuzzy71 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 yeah i know the whole world has gone to *&^% she has done this with every new job she has and what i cant really put my finger on is what do these men say to her i mean hell i may not be top prize but if your going to leave the relationship on a fling or what ever it is at least better yourself not lower and the fact that she hasnt even tried to call her daughter just really shocks me see im not a drinker never have been neither is she but it allways seems to lead to her with someone that its all the om does they dont work they dont have a car her one complaint to me was i never took her out enough and i admit i didnt i was working alot on building our future and to be honest i did cheat on her a long time ago so i have done wrong by her i do take fault in my ways everyone has told me to just not contact her and not be seen by her and that will make her wonder or think and if i do better without her around she will try and call and get back with me i really dont see how that would do anything i love my wife very much and i cant seem to get over her and as to the om yeah it bothers me and all but its more the fact that i lost her forget him he wont be around that long you dont jump from a 20 yr marriage to a relationship in one day its a fling the grass isnt greenier on the other side to have her would be great to have her love would make me complete most of my day is filled with thoughts of her and to see my children the looks the question they have it all takes its toll im trying to be strong for them but im really weak inside again thanks for your reply
LakesideDream Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 It's the 21st Century. "No Fault Divorce", "If it feels good do it". the permutations are endless. The only thing you can count on in this world is yourself. I am convinced that this society believes that there is no right or wrong, black or white, that everything is shades of grey. It makes it very difficult to enter into a relationship.
Author fuzzy71 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Well there are a lot of good people on this site that have seen and heard it all so my question is this well its kinda a few questions Am i setting myself up to think she will bring me back? What should i ask for when she does therpy anything? Since she has cheated is she allways going to? i got married at 18 im 35 now so the whole alone thing is just wierd to me and this is the first time that i have realy thought i would be without her please everyone jump in on this give me some info i could use all the help
mgm Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 Well I hate to say it but she probably won't be back. I'm sure you read my post. Mine came back when he had an affiar on me 5 years ago. Everything was great and bam out of the blue he doesn't love me anymore and he feels guilty of what he did 5 years ago. Yes but what he forgot to mention was that he is doing it again. So he can blame me for everything that was supposably wrong in our marriage. But what he can't blame me for is I never was unfaithful I took my vows seriously and would love him till the day I die. I would love my husband to come back and tell me what a fool he was but that is not going to happen he has put all his time and energy into this other women with two small children. It makes me ill just to type it. I cry everyday and it has been 8 months since he has been gone. I can't even look at him when he picks up the kids. But I do and he get's me upset everytime. Because he is so passive about it all.It's like he just shut me off entirely after 16yrs of marriage. Hang in there and think about you through this ruff time. I know it is easier said then done. I'm not the one to talk. Why do we let people get us this way. Because we are good people with feelings.... Take care and keep posting it helps:lmao:
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 Sorry, I'm going to go "Gunny" on both of you! This little "Self Admiration~ Pity Party" the two of you've got going is all well and good, and there's a time and place for it. And both are and should be short lived. Otherwise your just "looping" over and over, and over again. Even basic cable shows a new movie every now and again. First off! Get a freaking clue! Its not about them, its about you! You're two good people that have been done wrong! Its not fair, its not righteous! Its just the way that it is! You can sit around the rest of your life trying to figure it out ~ guess what? You never will! I've wasted years, and literally thousands of dollars trying to figure out the "WTF" equation. Its not worth it. Its like trying to solve an un-solveable math problem like pI. The answer is there is no answer. Next off the bat, is the simple fact that its not about you, its not what you've done, its not what you've not done. You could be the perfect whatever ~ and it still wouldn't be enough for them ~ because they're people to, with there own insecurities, their own fears, their own doubts, their own worries, their own whatever. 90% of what's going on has absolutely nothing to do with you! It has to do with their needing to find themselves and to find their center. Its 90% of them trying to find what they need and want in their lifes and almost 0% with you. Its their own insecurites that makes them want to project that you didn't do this, or you didn't do that! Do an inventory! Did you do your best? Were you righteous? Were you faithful? Did you give your best> Fill in the blank, ________________________ If you get more "Yes's" than "No's then quit beating yourself up! There are plenty of people outside your front door, more than willing to do it for you ~ just to see the look on your face!
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 Good post gunny.... Its true... look at that inventory... Then think about.... hay did I have a clue in the first place? If the answer is no... its time to start building your libary.... you need to start learning... you are in college now.... 101 life and relationshipls.... Check the WEB... You found this place you can find others.. ie.. Marrige builders... divorce busting.. etc... go to the book store/ library... learn... learn.....learn...... its up to you now... do you have the strength... is it worth it to you... to make a difference.... many don't..... be different... don't be a statistic unless you have truely no choice.... Read other posts on here..... much info has already been given.... check my post... I have been given so much advise... I could start my owm relationship cult:laugh: .... but serioulsy... it was/ is all good advise
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 "Cowards die many times before their deaths...the valiant taste of death but once..." Shakespear Warriors know warriors! Vets know vets!
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 "Cowards die many times before their deaths...the valiant taste of death but once..." Shakespear Warriors know warriors! Vets know vets! Yeah.... its something inside... oh it hurts... of fu#k it just do it and get through this.... hahhahaha:laugh: ..... reminising????.... basic training.... 13 months....hahhhah JLR RAC...... Juniors Leaders Regiment Royal Armourned Corps...(for clarification:D ) Been smacked down.. put down and treated like sh&t... had my life threatened... (for real) but never been through this hell..... Amazing how relationships can have such an impact on our lives.... maybe because they are important to us...
Author fuzzy71 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Posted September 2, 2006 It's really about the kids at this point..i can take teh abuse not that i have to..but for the kids i have one she has one and because of her they are not aloud to se one another my son cant talk to me my daughter cant talk to her mother..and yes you are right its not my fault i know this did i do thing wrong sure what person doesnt make mistakes? But if i do not fight for what i want am i not cheating myself? Chance are great she is gone for good past history shows she allways runs back to me why is this? how do i get her the help she needs to stop or the help for me as well? is there a chance she can change?....(yes if she wants to)i know this too. i put 20 years into this well 21 on the 11th <---- yeah bad date i know but for some reason i just cant put my finger on why she has this hold on my feelings? i guess if i did i wouldnt be here..your advice is great i dont disagree with you...However my love is pure weather hers is or not so i ask again dont i owe it to myself and my family to at least want to seek help and to try and save my marriage? and yes for that to happen again she is going to have to want to seek help..Like i said she was my first love and only love i guess that makes it harder for me..so pitty me not that is not why im here..im hear for people to give me a little insight into what i might do to begin to try and save this thing called marriage...we have only been apart 6 weeks or so...last time was 3 months i know there is no time table for this and i know there is someone out there that would love me for me and not do this to me...Yet to me right now they dont even compare to her this is what is really strange to me why is this is it my love for her is it the time or is it just what im use to?...and thanks to all who have replyed...i take to heart what you say to me....im just in need of advice and a little help and i know i can only help myself but its great that you all can at least point me in the right places thanks again
Wolfp Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 im hear for people to give me a little insight into what i might do to begin to try and save this thing called marriage Start reading brother. There is a wealth of web based knowledge as well as that located in your bookstore. I think two sights have already been thrown out "Divorce Busters" and "Marriage Builders". Start there, than if you have a few bucks available go to your bookstore and pick up a couple of books. Gunny has a list a mile long of books you might want to consider. Couple of others are Divorce Remedy and For Men Only. If you are like me, sleep comes infrequently, think I have averaged about 4 hours per night for the last few months (Gunz, I think I am one of the 10% upon which Melatonin has no effect), so use the extra time to do research. It also helps to improve your mood as you are no longer being re-active but pro-active. Now, I know you think there is no way for you to be happy without DW again, its natural, but ask yourself the following: "Was I happy before I met her?" More than likely the answer is yes. Take the time to rediscover who you were before you became Mister DW because one thing you will have to accept, when push comes to shove, if she doesnt want to be a couple anymore, than she wont. You cant make her. End. Finito. So it pays to be prepared for that eventuality rather than becoming obsessed over something that possibly will never be again thereby ruining the rest of your life. And frankly, life is too short. Take what I said with a grain of salt, spoon full of sugar, or whatever, but you need to start focusing on yourself and preparing for life without. Oh, and if nobody has mentioned it, you might want to go see a lawyer. Know its counter to your stated goal, but better safe than sorry, forewarned is forearmed, etc., etc.
ilmw Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Start reading brother. There is a wealth of web based knowledge as well as that located in your bookstore. I think two sights have already been thrown out "Divorce Busters" and "Marriage Builders". Start there, than if you have a few bucks available go to your bookstore and pick up a couple of books. Gunny has a list a mile long of books you might want to consider. Couple of others are Divorce Remedy and For Men Only. If you are like me, sleep comes infrequently, think I have averaged about 4 hours per night for the last few months (Gunz, I think I am one of the 10% upon which Melatonin has no effect), so use the extra time to do research. It also helps to improve your mood as you are no longer being re-active but pro-active. Now, I know you think there is no way for you to be happy without DW again, its natural, but ask yourself the following: "Was I happy before I met her?" More than likely the answer is yes. Take the time to rediscover who you were before you became Mister DW because one thing you will have to accept, when push comes to shove, if she doesnt want to be a couple anymore, than she wont. You cant make her. End. Finito. So it pays to be prepared for that eventuality rather than becoming obsessed over something that possibly will never be again thereby ruining the rest of your life. And frankly, life is too short. Take what I said with a grain of salt, spoon full of sugar, or whatever, but you need to start focusing on yourself and preparing for life without. Oh, and if nobody has mentioned it, you might want to go see a lawyer. Know its counter to your stated goal, but better safe than sorry, forewarned is forearmed, etc., etc. Good post... and sound advise... Realy sucks you are not getting more sleep... luckily the Melatonin stuff worked for me... Lots of exercise and reading also can help relax the mind... With little sleep.. it makes it very difficult to keep a good mental attitude and a fighting spirit.... Your body can get used to it but it does take a toll... geeezz I looked 10 years older for months... grey face.. bags under the eyes... thank god I was excercising... or I would have looked even worse... with all the weight lose... at least I was able to maintain and gain some muscle mass... You need to realy dig down deep and force yourself to take care of yourself... this almost a fight for survival.... you need to be fighting fit so you can continue the good fight... surrender is not an option... until there is not battle to fight... and because your stich is not the same as my stich... only you know when that time will be... As has been told to me countless times on LS... even if this does turn very South (divorce) You will come out a stronger better person.. Hope this helps... ilmw
Gunny376 Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Chance are great she is gone for good past history shows she allways runs back to me why is this? Because of past life experiences, she doesn't feel she's worthy of you and your love, and so she seeks out and is attracted to "losers" the kind of guys she "thinks" she deserves. My bet is that she was sexually abused in her youth.
Author fuzzy71 Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 Because of past life experiences, she doesn't feel she's worthy of you and your love, and so she seeks out and is attracted to "losers" the kind of guys she "thinks" she deserves. My bet is that she was sexually abused in her youth. Yeah i have thought the same thing about her there was even a time when we were dating that she said her dad did but leter said no it didnt happen i belive something in her past has put us where we are now. I also belive she is wanting help but just cant bring herself to ask and im going to say this (even though it makes me sound like a human punching bag for her)She is at times the best person i have ever met but it was a daily thing for me to come home for work and to feel her out to see who i was dealing with i have looked all over the internet for things to read and to try and be a lot smarter at this i have stopped all contact with her out of sight out of mind this has been for 3 weeks now but in my mind with the other man living in my house with her its like for her nothing has changed except the person she is with and my concern is she will forget me i know she has kinda forgoten me now and did all this to me but i would forgive her i allready have for she is a mess inside herself i thank all of oyu for replying to me and i know i sound like a wuss and to be honest i just cant seem to forget her or what she means to me i mean she has told my son so many things he doesnt even talk to me my daughter is with me and she doesnt even call to talk to her or if my daugher calls she just hangs up or has the OM answer and tell my daughter to not call there anymore its a messed up deal and im just lost right now i hope it gets better Again Thanks To All
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