Author Beee Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Even if soulmates exists and they are lucky enough to find eachother, even that relationship will require hard work! All relationships require hard work, freindships, mother and child, lovers.... Some days I wake up and realise that my boyfriend is still my 18 year old boyfriend, and although we have spent the past 8 years together, emotionally we haven't matured together.... and I think that is part of the problem. Up until now certain things have been important for me and not him.... While on the other hand my friend makes what is important for me important for him too..... I think about my boyfriend and think about all the good times we have had together and all the times we have stuck by eachother, through thick and thin... and that is what stops me from leaving. We make a good team. BUT ss I have said before, I have given this relationship 150%.... and I'm not sure I have much left to give. Sure you should work hard a relationship, but doesn't everything have its limits? I have know my friend for 8 years and we already have some memories together... but I ask myself, although he semms to give me everything I need (and vice versa) will I be able to build the same type of bond with him? Is my fear of levaing my boyfirend also related to my discomfort with change? I'm a romantic, I like to believe in soulmates... however deep down, I know that the most important thing in a relationship is the partnership you creat and the combined effort both of you put into it.....
Amour77 Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 What is your situation Beee? Are you still living with your boyfriend? Did you move out? Do you see your friend very often and have you and your boyfriend officially broken up? I am asking all of this because in a sense, I feel my girlfriend could be in the same position as you and might be very uncertain about what she wants to do. Take a look here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t99885/ Thanks
Author Beee Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Hi Amour... I am still living with my boyfriend (also cause both our names are on the rental agreement and the rent is too high for only one person to be paying it). We are in a state of limbo... we live together and do stuff together but I wouldn't say its like it used to be. In his mind I think we are more together than we really are (and in mine its probably the opposite). There is a tie between us but I'm not sure its a relationship. I see my friend once or twice during the week and during the weekend. As a word of advice (if you are on "the receiving end")... don't chase her too much. Let her know what your feelings are but don't constantly reminder her or ask her to make a decision.... (now I'm only saying these things based on an assumption as you say she might be in a similar situation)... I wish my boyfirend would give me some space and time and let me miss him... however he keeps asking for attention. Speaking to my mum last night I realised that something between me and my boyfriend broke. After I moved back in (I moved out for a month as I needed my own space and ended up moving back in due to various preassures) my boyfirend was very cold towards me. We ended up haveing a VERY big argument and he said some very bad things to me, things which hurt me deep down and made me question how a person who now claims to love me deeply says bad things on purpose to hurt me.... Since then I have not had the same feelings for him, I have questioned whether this could/would change and whether I should stick around... but what if this turns into a bitter relationship? Anyway, I'm rambling on now... i have stuff on my mind and needed to share....
Amour77 Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I see my friend once or twice during the week and during the weekend. As a word of advice (if you are on "the receiving end")... don't chase her too much. Let her know what your feelings are but don't constantly reminder her or ask her to make a decision.... (now I'm only saying these things based on an assumption as you say she might be in a similar situation)... I wish my boyfirend would give me some space and time and let me miss him... however he keeps asking for attention. Speaking to my mum last night I realised that something between me and my boyfriend broke. After I moved back in (I moved out for a month as I needed my own space and ended up moving back in due to various preassures) my boyfirend was very cold towards me. We ended up haveing a VERY big argument and he said some very bad things to me, things which hurt me deep down and made me question how a person who now claims to love me deeply says bad things on purpose to hurt me.... Since then I have not had the same feelings for him, I have questioned whether this could/would change and whether I should stick around... but what if this turns into a bitter relationship? He is probably quite angry now at the whole situation. Do you think he is pleased to see you sleeping with another guy? Do not use all his angry words to detach yourself from him! You have to understand that, even if he loves you, he feels extremely amgry at you. How do you think you would feel if it was the other way around? I am a bit in your boyfriend's situation, and do you know what I did when I found out about her cheating and sleeping with another guy? I told her loads of nasty things, I gave her the biggest lot of verbal abuse you can imagine. I was so hurt. I am now told to forget about the lying b****, she is a sly snake and she cheated on me and she does not deserve an ounce of my time. I still love her, but hey, what am I supposed to do? Be treated like a dog? What if your boyfriend thinks the same way? If he has had enough of the situation? Think about him a little bit. You need your space, but this space is destroying him!
Author Beee Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 Amour77... I know I have done some bad things butI have tried to accept the consequences and be the first to stick my hand up and say it was wrong! ... However please don't be under the impression that, in the past 8 years my boyfirend was an angel.... he has had his own flings.... he even went to another city to meet a girl he dind't know (he'd met her over the internet)... to see if there was something between them All along we had something going on, maybe not the most official of relationships, but still somthing. I have always had eyes only for him... until I reached boiling point. While he was off with the other women I stayed by his side.... both by choice I guess and because I always got the impression from him that there was indeed something between us. I accept full responsibility of my actions, however I belive that the crisis was caused by both of us and there are factors which (he is responsible for) that have pushed me towards someone else or away from him in any case.... I have never hurt him on purpose or tried to.... even now, I am terrified of the thought of causing him so much pain..... So although I have done wrong things you also have to know that he hasn't been a saint all along....
Amour77 Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 I suppose your B/F knows you are sleeping with another guy.... If you openly admitted it him, you are playing it fair.... in the sense that you are not constantly lying about it. Everybody does wrong things in a relationship. Good things also. I agree your B/F should not have met that girl, etc.... but did he sleep with her and stuff? Did he ever cheat on you? Are you doing all that as a way to get your revenge? You are having an affair right under his nose, and whatever you might think, it is a huge, enormous betrayal to him. It really is! On top of that, if he feels you still have feelings for him a little bit, it is going to make matters worse. You say you always felt you had something good with him, is it saveable? Do you see how things could be worked out? You need to accept responsibility for your action, indeed! He might forgive you, but it is going to take a lot of work for him to do so. You have 99% of chances he might never want to speak to you again! You have probably lost him by now. You have to realise that your actions are unforgivable. Anyway, you need to make up your mind. Quick! Personnally, I think you have made your choice already (by default), you just do not want to admit it. However, if you think you are going on the wrong path at the moment, you are going to have to look deep inside yourself to find the answer!
Mary3 Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I just have to ask. In your mind, is there even a chance that this relationship could work? That is, if he were to accomodate more for you would this help? If so, than I think that you need to tell him that he has to be willing to change, and if not then the relationship will end. Just know that if you end this, and he does love you, the damage will be permanent. You both will go your separate ways and become strangers. You should just understand the outcome. You don't want to regret the decision. Be sure. Very profound statement
Mary3 Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Hi Amour... I am still living with my boyfriend (also cause both our names are on the rental agreement and the rent is too high for only one person to be paying it). We are in a state of limbo... we live together and do stuff together but I wouldn't say its like it used to be. In his mind I think we are more together than we really are (and in mine its probably the opposite). There is a tie between us but I'm not sure its a relationship. I see my friend once or twice during the week and during the weekend. As a word of advice (if you are on "the receiving end")... don't chase her too much. Let her know what your feelings are but don't constantly reminder her or ask her to make a decision.... (now I'm only saying these things based on an assumption as you say she might be in a similar situation)... I wish my boyfirend would give me some space and time and let me miss him... however he keeps asking for attention. Speaking to my mum last night I realised that something between me and my boyfriend broke. After I moved back in (I moved out for a month as I needed my own space and ended up moving back in due to various preassures) my boyfirend was very cold towards me. We ended up haveing a VERY big argument and he said some very bad things to me, things which hurt me deep down and made me question how a person who now claims to love me deeply says bad things on purpose to hurt me.... Since then I have not had the same feelings for him, I have questioned whether this could/would change and whether I should stick around... but what if this turns into a bitter relationship? Anyway, I'm rambling on now... i have stuff on my mind and needed to share.... MY Best Advice : When there is a degree of seperation the two persons involved * change * ever so slightly while apart. The longer the seperation , the greater the change. Thats 30 days without being with that person , all the while both are changing. When you got back the fractured glass , the strongest glue could not make it the way it was before. Thats why I say : When you break up , keep it that way. If you try to resurrect what you had before its not the same piece of china. Its lost its strength and fractured the delicacy of the bond
everlong Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 i have never cheated on someone in a relationship. but i am single now as my ex broke up with me last winter. i don't even know where she is. but u say you are having an affair with someone and have feelings for your bf - you should step back and think about yourself? do u have friends and family that can help u?
everlong Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 it seems clear that whenever you see something that needs to be 'fixed' in a relationship you feel it is your responsiblie alone and it isn't - that belongs to both couples and it must be shared equallly which both of your energy and thoughts. now, it sounds like you might have had to do that in other relationships so don't bring past issues into present ones. i know i made that mistake and i was guilty of asking my ex to 'fix' things within me but that was because i had a romantic view of love that - which is fine but real life doesn't work that way. i see all the triggers i did that way that added to the ex stress "if you loved me you would..." that's because i was depressed and had foolish romantic notions and never knew that was actually adding to yer stress - which was already maxed! i see this now...kindda late eh - so talk openly - it helps
Author Beee Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 I have had some time to think about the things you have said to me... ans althought I still haven't made my mind up I have a new question.... please don't be put off ;o) Should I decide to stay with my boyfriend would he be right to ask me never to see my friend again? Before you answer please consider the following. As my family live in another country and any friends we have a communal friends, this friend I have become very close to is MY only support in this country. He is the only one who is MY freind, not ours, but mine. I can go to him for advice and he will put whats best for me first, not whats best for my boyfriend. Also, although I appreciate that it would be very hard for my boyfriend to have this friend in my life, what right does he have to say to me who I can and can't see? If I was in his situation I would let him knwo how I felt but I would never demand he didn't see or speak to someone.... I still can't trust my boyfriend 100%, not after all the crap we have been through, not all the times he has hurt me or all the times I have had to emotionally support him. Thats is why I feel I need the extra support (which I have in my friend).... are there 2 sides to the coin?
shawn_68 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Should I decide to stay with my boyfriend would he be right to ask me never to see my friend again? Before you answer please consider the following. As my family live in another country and any friends we have a communal friends, this friend I have become very close to is MY only support in this country. He is the only one who is MY freind, not ours, but mine. I can go to him for advice and he will put whats best for me first, not whats best for my boyfriend. Hi Beee, This IS the same friend that you have been intimate with right? And this is the same friend that you are contemplating leaving your bf with right? If so, then I think it is right for your bf to ask you to leave him alone. Honestly, what good could come from this? Surely, you can find a female friend to talk with. I don't think that your bf is in a position to demand anything. He does not own you. But I think that it is proper to ask you to stop seeing him. And I think it is proper for him to leave if you don't. If you truly decide that you want to be with you current bf, I think you need to remove this "friend" from your life. If your bf knows that you have been intimate with him, and he should, it will always be a reminder of what has happened and what could happen again. It will be a cancer to the relationship. You already know that relationships are hard. Why make things even harder. You CAN find another female to talk with. Anyway, that's my 2 cents.
Guest Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 I just wanted to let you know as I was reading your posting, it was like reading my own break up experience... Three weeks ago I broke up with my BF after 8 years of dating... What you described- everything- fit my situation to a "T". The friend, falling out of love, the financial problems he would have without you... I know you are feeling responsible for staying with your BF for his happiness, but just realize that in the end, you can't sacrifice your own happiness for his. The best way to do it: Sit down with him, (I wrote a few points down beforehand so I would know what to say,) and tell him the truth (minus the friend info- that would just hurt him). It is a hard thing to do, but just trust your instincts. When you feel the relationship is really over, it is. Be honest, and firm, and not too emotional. Tell him you care about him and his feelings, but you had to be truthful with him... I hope everything works out for you. Based on my own experience, sounds like it will... Good luck.
Author Beee Posted November 2, 2006 Author Posted November 2, 2006 What if I do decide to stay with my boyfriend and give up my friendship with this "friend".... Won't this sacrifice always come between me and my boyfirend? I have already done so much for us, put so much effort into our reltionship and now I'm being asked to give up something very important to me, without the reassurance that everything will work out.... What if in 2 years time I am back in square one and really unhappy in my relationship woth my boyfriend? and what if then I don't even have the support of a friend... won't things be even worse for me? I have been hurt in this relationship and at the moment I am trying to evaluate whether I can trust the relationship again, whether I can be confident that it won't hurt me.... To the guest who wrote the post previous to this one... I'm guessing you left your boyfriend in the end.... what happened next? what did you decide to do? and where are you know? Thanks for posting this, as its comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this mess and its happened to other people... I feel a little more normal
shawn_68 Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 What if in 2 years time I am back in square one and really unhappy in my relationship woth my boyfriend? and what if then I don't even have the support of a friend... won't things be even worse for me? You're right, there are a lot of what if's. My whole response of removing your friend from your life was based on the assumption that you wanted to make things work with your current bf. But I can tell that this is still a "question mark" in your mind. I do admire you for being careful with your decision. That's says a lot about you. If I were you, I would FIRST decide if I actually want to be with my current bf. After that decision is made, the choice with your friend will come naturally. If you do choose your current bf, I do think it would most likely cause problems in the relationship if you continue with your friend. Don't you agree? Take care.
crazy_grl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I completely agree with everything Shawn has said. You need to stop evaluating this based on your feelings, and you need to do it as though your "friend" weren't in the equation. Like Shawn has already said, there will always been someone who can make you feel those warm, butterfly feelings. It's a lot harder to find someone who is actually compatible with you (same goals, same needs, etc). You've said that if you were 34, you'd have a different opinion on the matter, but if you still hold onto this concept of love that you have now, I have my doubts about that. I'm not saying you should stay with your bf, because from what you've said, it's possible that you two aren't compatible. It's also possible you and the "friend" aren't compatible either. I'm just saying that you should base your decision on compatibility, not feelings. I've recommended her books to other people, and I'm going to recommend one to you, because I think her advice is brilliant. "Are You the One for Me?" by Barbara Deangelis. She gives some really great advice on what things are important for long-term compatibility, and there are some exercises you can do kind of like the "good vs bad" lists, but a lot more detailed and IMO more useful. Love is not just a feeling, it's a decision.
Author Beee Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 Shawn, I think I might have to agree with you... If I did decide to stay with my bf then yes, it would probably be best to either dramatically decrease my contact with my friend or stop it all together. However, you are also right in saying I haven't made my mind up. I try and evaluate what makes me have certain feelings for one and the other.... I have thought about what we have in common and how we deal with the situations which arise and may arise in future.... On one hand I know my bf inside out... BUT there are some things about our backgrounds which clash. His family (and therefore his upbringing) is very different from mine. It doesn't cause a problem now (well, i htink it might do as his sentimental maturity and his ability to express feelings has been affected by the way his parents were and are) but what happens when we start a family of our own? what if we want to bring different values to our family? some might say it might be balanced, but what if they clash? On the other hand I have many interests in common with my friend and the way we have been brought up is more similar.... I have been told I am someone who gives 100% of herself to other people and I don't keep anything for myself... People have helpred me realise why that might be bad and how I could try and change it. Well (unconciously) my bf has always taken advantage of this... he has never really pushed me into taking more care of myself or spending more time (or money) on me rather than everyone around me. My friend on the other hand tries to ask me what I want to do and tries to make me realise that what I want is also important.... I know I have to make one decision separate from the other, its just quite hard at times. I try and ask my self, independantly from my mfriend, how do I feel about my boyfriend... why am I not excited any more when I go home, why don't I feel like sharing parts of my life with him? Why do I feel I need a lot more space? At the same time my head asks me, well how do you feel when you are with your friend? does he put your needs first? do you want to do things with him? and share your life with him? Its not fair towards my bf if I don't feel I want to spend time with him. Its not fair that I don't feel like racing home to see him. Its hard to make sure that letting him go is the right thing to do. I lack the support of any good friends as they all tend to be communal and the only people I can rely on are my parents who live in a different country, so I really appreciate all the advice you have given me and your patience with this post! Thanks!
suzy61 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Is there a possibility that you might be thinking too much about this? I'm in a slightly similar situation, in that I'm very confused, but without the whole friend thing. Just confusion.i'm not really sure how I feel anymore.And I'm only 24! I don't know, i just think that, sometimes, "love" is about the decisions you make as much as it's about what you feel.You can decide he's "the one".Or you can decide to keep looking.But just bear in mind that if you do decide to keep looking, you've got to stop somewhere, if you want the whole marraige thing.All you need is one more 8 year relationship to get you to 34, by the way.Just one more.And what then?You will eventually reach a point where you've got to say "This is it.I'm going to make this work".For better or for worse. Unfortunately, as was said before, there are no answers. It's the gamble that is life.
shawn_68 Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 I know I have to make one decision separate from the other, its just quite hard at times. I try and ask my self, independantly from my mfriend, how do I feel about my boyfriend... why am I not excited any more when I go home, why don't I feel like sharing parts of my life with him? Why do I feel I need a lot more space? At the same time my head asks me, well how do you feel when you are with your friend? does he put your needs first? do you want to do things with him? and share your life with him? I've tried to put myself in your shoes and ask myself what would I actually do. This is what I would do. I would tell your friend that you need time away from him to sort out your thoughts. If he is the great guy that you describe, I think he will accomodate you and appreciate why you need to do this. Consider this a "no contact" time with your friend. And stick to it. Also important, if your boyfriend knows that you have been spending time with your friend, let him KNOW that this has stopped. At this point, take some time to talk seriously with your boyfriend about ALL your concerns. Put them on the table. If he hears you and works towards growing closer together, the feelings will naturally follow. If he is unwilling to hear you and make the changes, then I think it's time to remove yourself from this relationship. I think what is making this choice so difficult is that another person is in the equation. In this scenario, you've given your bf a chance to make things work. The friend is out of the way and is not a concern. The answer to your question is now simplified, and the relationship between your boyfriend stands or falls on its own. Also, if you do decide that it's best to part ways with your current boyfriend, you will know that you have done everything possible to make it work. And there should be no regrets in the future. Crazygirl, mentioned a great book. I would purchase it.
justagirliegirl Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 Why don't the two of you go to couples counseling and sort this all out? I don't see you saying there is anything terribly wrong with your relationship other than you are bored and another man is paying you attention and making you feel those butterfly feelings again. It is very hard to find someone who is decent and will be committed to you. I also agree that people give up too soon and don't want to make an effort to keep things going. You will always find someone to give you those butterfly feelings but over time it all fades. I am not so sure how good of a friend your friends really is. Sounds like he has just been hanging around all those years in the hopes of getting with you. If he was really such a great friend he would be helping you work things out with your long term bf not looking to get into your panties.
Author Beee Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Shawn, you are right.... My parents have also suggested for me to go and stay with them for a while, away from both and be on my own to straighten my mind out... however work always gets in the way!Recently my friend has made more friends (not ones in common) and seems to be very busy (which I guess is fair for him as he has to keep busy rather than wait around for me)... This has been quite hard to cope with. Althought we still spend time together (and yes my bf does know about this) its not the same, he always seems to be so busy and it all revolves around this....I don't feel quite so loved an more (maybe I am maybe I'm not - loved by him that is)....On the toher hand my bf has suggested he should find himself a new flat as this situation is hurting too much. Today when he sent me a link for a studio flat my heart sank. I can't blame him but I can't seem to let go either. I dind't want to loose him but I know I might if I'm not careful.On one hand I don't feel attracted to him and don't feel any "love" feelings are there any more, but on the other the thought of not having him in my life saddens me a great deal. The thought that I might not be able to laugh with him is painful.... I think of my friend and see someone who has (rightly) gone and sorted his laife out without me and wants to atke things slowly with me.. (should things move along beteen us that is).I'll have a think about your suggestion and might buy the book as well.... thanks! JUSTAGIRLIEGIRL.... Have read my entire post? If so you will know that I have had patience for 8 years, I have worked hard at this relationship for 8 years, not just months, but years!My bf has had the need to test the water outside of our relationship shall we say, and I have stood by.... My friend has had a life and has been with other women in the past 8 years. We were both just as suprised when things happened between us... he has not been waiting around for me (and of that I'm sure)....I am struggling to make a decision but I cannot be blamed for not putting enough work into my relationship with my bf.... if anything I have given it too much in the past!
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