How do you gently break up with someone?

[latefragment]

i don't know why everyone on here is encouraging you to stay with this guy. i mean, if you're not feeling the sparks after 8 years you should get the hell out and you're fricking young, you are about my age! you seem obviously unfulfilled with this guy and you see something real & meaningful with your "friend."

 

i say go for it.

 

i personally have been dumped tons of times (causing me to fall into major tailspins, but i should note that these were short term relationships. with my long-term relationships, i felt a lot of pain and sadness but didn't do the downward spiral...) but i wouldn't want someone who didn't want to be with me to be with me ... if after 8 years they still don't know then f** it.

 

at least you gave him a good long chance and it seems like you were the pursuer for most of those 8 years anyway, so ... ???

 

but take my advice with a grain of salt - the longest relationship i've been in was 2.5 years and it was pure hell because we were both not good for each other. so i don't exactly have a lot of experience with the super-long-term relationships. and i'm not like you either. you say you don't like change very much; i, on the other hand, am a change junkie. only problem is, i like change but i get emotionally attached easily. but that's more about me than about you.

 

all i know is i was with a guy for a long time almost a year and still no sparks. in the end he dumped me. i cried for two weeks but now i am so glad it was for the best because i knew deep down something was wrong if i wasn't getting excited to see him, etc.

 

then i met a guy and within days i could imagine a life together. that is what i call sparks. call me infatuated, (he dumped me too, tailspin, you know the story) and stupid and commitmentphobic, but i can only give you my advice, which, as i've disclaimed, may not pertain to you because you are a non-change type person whereas i am an 'always-changing' type person.

 

what do you think?

 

don't be nervous and distraught about this - i know you are. it's a tough time but in the end you'll be all right. when i made the decision to break up with my then-bf of 2.5 years, it was tough. i wondered if i would regret that because he seemed to be 'perfect' for me at the time. (he was really just 'perfect' for salving my wounds and giving me sense of wholeness, taking care of me. he wasn't perfect for me me.) i wondered if i would lose him forever. i wondered if it would be the biggest mistake of my life. deep down, i knew that he wasn't for me. at one point i believed he was for me, but it was like i was convincing myself that he was for me.

 

deep down i knew that i didn't want to commit to someone for life so early on. i wanted to date other people. a few really minor things that had bothered me about him in the beginning were still bothering me (those should go away you know, when you're in love... right? i guess). there were fundamental value differences - very subtle, but fundamental. not to mention we had MAJOR relationship problems - fighting like you wouldn't believe it; mostly my fault because i was jealous and insecure and moody and feeling lost with my life at the time, and also because we were a bad match.

 

deep down i knew i had leaned on him to provide me with a sense of self-worth because i didn't love myself.

 

none of these necessarily pertains to your situation, i'm just giving you background.

 

anyway, the point of all this is that i still broke up with him, and he was heartbroken over me for a long time. and even though it hurt a lot, as i moved through the days and months and finally years i have never regretted the decision and i'm glad it's over. i am still friendly with him but it helps that he lives far far away.

[shawn_68]

Is there a chance? I don't know...

Its not that I can't stand my boyfirend or can't stand the thought of being with him... there's just no excitment there (and I'm only 26... what happens at 50 then?). I have worked hard at this relationship and I'm just so very very tired. I have also found someone else who makes me feel like I'm worth this world and the other.

 

Only you know all the circumstances, and only you know the right decision to make.

 

From the very start of my replies to you I tried to get you to understand that "feelings" come and go. Especially over 8 years!!

 

But for me, I don't break up with someone because my feelings have faded. I recognize that's the way a relationship works at times. My love for another is not based upon "feelings." I also know that, although the grass can appear fresh and green on the other side, it is often times a deceptive illusion. But that's just me.

 

And I will add that your "feelings" for Mr. excitement WILL fade over time as well.

 

Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best.

[Rooster_DAR]

Only you know all the circumstances, and only you know the right decision to make.

 

From the very start of my replies to you I tried to get you to understand that "feelings" come and go. Especially over 8 years!!

 

But for me, I don't break up with someone because my feelings have faded. I recognize that's the way a relationship works at times. My love for another is not based upon "feelings." I also know that, although the grass can appear fresh and green on the other side, it is often times a deceptive illusion. But that's just me.

 

And I will add that your "feelings" for Mr. excitement WILL fade over time as well.

 

Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best.

 

I wish I would have met you instead of my EX. LOL

[shawn_68]

I wish I would have met you instead of my EX. LOL

 

Rooster, I'm a dude. You know, Shawn.

[Rooster_DAR]

Oh crap!!!! Sorry dude my bad. I use to know a girl named shawn so I assumed....nevermind

 

D'oh!

 

Ugggh

 

I guess that goes to show you that guys have they head on a little straighter.

 

LOL

[Beee]

Shawn I agree with you. A relationship is more than just about love. But this applies to life-long relationships! My parnets have been together for 41 years, and although I think they are an extremely good match (you could even say soulmates) I don't think they are in love like they were when they first met, Their relationshio is now made up for a very deep freindship and partenership, of memories and experiences shared together... but I am 26 and have been with my boyfirend for 8 years while my parents are well in their 60s and have been together for 41 years.

 

At this age, shouldn't there still be "love", excitment, sparks? He is my best friend but the "chemistry" isn't there... i don't think.

 

I'm sure that should I decide to start somethhing with my "friend" then yes, the love, the excitment will eventually fade... and hopefully what we will be left with (should this last) is a strong partnership. But shouldn't there still be butterflies in my stomach, chemistry in my life at the age of 26?

 

On one hand I think I will completely ruin my boyfriends life (and no, before any one says anything, its not cause I think I'm so important, but rather because of what we have had) and can't seem to cope with that well (which is why I'm still in limbo, I think), but on the other people keep telling me that although it might seem like the end of the world now, things will get better and he will move on.

 

Just a point I'd like to make.... at no stage has my friend tried to "steal" me form my boyfriend, he has made sure not to put any preassures on me, not to ask me to choose. If I think of him he is the sort of man I want to be with but then I think of my boyfriend and think of all the memories and experiences that tie the 2 of us and find it almost impossible to make the break....

 

Silly question, but will I ever wake up one morning and think, its clear, I know what I need to do?

[shawn_68]

Silly question, but will I ever wake up one morning and think, its clear, I know what I need to do?

 

I don't know, Beee, but I sure hope so. It's tough.

 

I do know that I think differently then you. To me "love" is not a feeling. There ARE most definitely feelings involved, to be sure. And the feelings are great, most of the time.

 

But if my love is based upon my feelings then I may want to walk out depending upon "how I feel at the time." If I am having a bad week or month, and things are not grand in the relationship, what the heck, I'll just walk out and find another. The cycle will repeat itself over and over. And one day you wake up alone, and wonder why the relationships aren't working. "Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I find the love that I am looking for?"

 

Feelings, excitement, butterflies, whatever you want to call it are just too fickle and fleeting. I choose to base my love on something more substantial like character, integrity, faithfulness, communication, etc. When these are right, the feelings will take it's natural course. When the feelings aren't great, I'll realize that work needs to be done. And so I'm up to the challenge. But in the end I'll have a lasting relationship -- just like your parents. 41 years, that's awesome. But it doesn't come from obeying your feelings. Ask them!!

 

On the other hand, if you are sure that this guy is not fundamentally the person you want in your life for the long term, then you should depart ways. If you have taken an honest hard look at this guy and he's just not what you're looking for then end it. He will be heartbroken, what you had will be gone forever with him, but he will live. If he's wise, he won't be your friend so don't even ask. Just leave him alone. I cannot emphasize this enough. Leave him alone. Be gentle, honest, compassionate and firm. Make your decision and don't look back.

 

I know it looks like I've been trying to talk you out of this. It's really not the case. Maybe you are far better off without him. Only you know.

 

But will live in a disposable society. Always greener pastures on the other side. And so we move from one relationship to another far too quickly -- and more importantly -- for the wrong reasons.

 

Hope you make the right decision for yourself and future happiness.

 

Let us know how this turns out.

 

-S

[andy_whitewater]

I have to agree with most of what shawn is saying. Nobody in this day and age ever wants to works at anything. Its like if there is a problem then we dispose of it and get a new one. This is true to so many things in life (relationships, material things, friendships, jobs etc etc). We're always looking for something better and seem to never take the time to enjoy the little pleasures we already have. At the end of the day if you just sit down and talk plain and simple about what is going on then you may be able to work things out, and if not you will never regret not trying.

 

good luck

 

peace

 

x

[Amour77]

I agree with Andy and Shawn! Great posts!

[Rooster_DAR]

I have to agree with most of what shawn is saying. Nobody in this day and age ever wants to works at anything. Its like if there is a problem then we dispose of it and get a new one. This is true to so many things in life (relationships, material things, friendships, jobs etc etc). We're always looking for something better and seem to never take the time to enjoy the little pleasures we already have. At the end of the day if you just sit down and talk plain and simple about what is going on then you may be able to work things out, and if not you will never regret not trying.

x

 

I agree here as well.

 

A lot of us here on loveshack will be able to return to the world and understand what a relationship and commitment is all about. LS should setup a dating service for regulars on this site. Most people aren't ready for a relationship that are here now, but the people who are LS veterans and have gotten their life balanced would be good partner candidates for me.

 

Cheers!

[Beee]

What about chemistry? what about attraction? sexual and non?

I used to only have eyes for my boyfirend (for many many years) and its only when things started not working that this changed. I now find myself feeling uneasy when he hugs me and gives me a kiss, even on the cheek... I know the chemistry and the sexual attraction will die down with time... but as I said, I'm only 26, am I not meant to be at the peak (or there abouts anyway) of my sexual life?

The sex has been good but not amazing.... I'm honest. But, as long as things we good between us I dind't mind, there was a lot more to our relationship than just sex.

I now find myself not being attracted to him...

 

while my friend in shining armour makes all my button click (and I am well aware that this will die down and or fade with time).

 

Isn't chemistry and a sexual connection at all important? Yes, relationships need work, but in 3 years time, if things haven't improved with my boyfriend, and he wants intimacy with me... but I don't feel comfortable being close to him in that way... what then?

 

I know you don't have the answers to all my problems, but reading other people's opinion does help, so thanks in advance!

x

[Amour77]

Beee,

 

You are talking about chemistry and stuff, but once it fades away with your "friend", what are you going to do? Find another man who makes all your buttons click?

In order for a long term relationship to develop, you have to go beyond all this. Otherwise, you will never have a long term relationship.....

[andy_whitewater]

Amour is right - you need to be able to move beyond where you are now otherwise future relationships will have a fairly bleak outcome. It sounds a little bit like you're looking for someone else to make you feel better, rather than trying to work out whats really wrong? What changed that makes you now physically unattracted to him? From the way you've described it, it sounds like to a certain extent you are uncomfortable and uneasy when he touches you. When did that start to happen? and why?

[shawn_68]

Isn't chemistry and a sexual connection at all important? Yes, relationships need work, but in 3 years time, if things haven't improved with my boyfriend, and he wants intimacy with me... but I don't feel comfortable being close to him in that way... what then?

 

As I have already said, it is possible that you are better off with someone else. I have no idea whether you should stay or go. Seriously.

 

But I do have a question for you.

 

Let's take a hypothetical situation. Suppose you leave this guy and go with your friend. Everything is great for years to come. Many happy memories. Chemistry is great and the sex better than you could have imagined. Cool huh?

 

Let's further supose that after 8 years this SAME thing happens to you. You no longer feel the strong attraction. He's doing things that annoy you. Your sex life becomes "routine" and you hardly ever feel the excitement that you used to have. In general you are not happy. Somehow, you just feel trapped. There's got to be something better out there. It just has to be! Day after day after day ... nothing changes.

 

Hey, it happens every day!!

 

But there's also this really cool guy that you work with. He's really great looking, makes good money, shows you lots of attention and well ... he just really turns you on!! He mentions in passing that he is not really happy with his current relationship. Upon further talking with him, he compliments you, says your beautiful, and understands you better than anyone ever has. As you two grow a little closer, he also mentions that it would be nice for you both go out and have a drink. Just an innocent drink. He doesn't pressure you at all.

 

What would you do?

[latefragment]

Beee, I don't know if you got a chance to read my post to you several days ago, urging you to break up with him but I think 8 years is a long enough chance that you gave him, and as I said before, YOU were the one trying to win HIM over for 5-7 of those 8 years.

 

It's obvious to me you should move on. If you don't even feel sexually attracted to him; honestly. I am about your age and if that's how I felt about someone I'd break up with him. I am at fault for keeping a guy around that I didn't feel sexually attracted to but on paper he was perfect for me. He ended up dumping me and honestly he beat me to the punch. You should go for it with the other guy. Worst case scenario it doesn't work out and you've lost both. So what?

 

I've been through a lot of pain from rejection/breakups and while it's almost killed me it's made me stronger and I believe it's for the best. Why stay with someone when you're 26 and not feeling any sparks? please give my last post to you a read and tell me what you think. If you think I'm full of S** then I respectfully bow out but honestly, I think you already know it in your gut you want out. So do it.

 

Now, it would be a different story if you were say, I don't know, a lot older with kids. Then I would probably be telling you to see if you couldn't work it out for the kids' sake, blah blah blah. It's important if you have kids to put them first. But you're not even married to this dude. Please just get the hell out. It will be your own private hell of hurting for a while but I think you'll be glad in the long run, even IF things don't work out with your friend guy that you're interested in. Honestly.

 

Thanks for listening.

[shawn_68]

It's obvious to me you should move on.

 

I think she's already made her decision, though she may not realize it. Even before her first post on this thread. She has ALREADY started the process of leaving. It started when she developed feelings for the new guy.

 

Hence the title: How do you gently break up with someone?"

 

But I posted my thoughts anyway. I wanted her to know that there will ALWAYS be the temptation to leave for a better catch. ALWAYS.

[Beee]

Latefragment, I did read both your posts, thanks! Its actually healthy to have someone show me the other side too.... Its good to hear all sides. The reason I'm finding it so hard to leave is that I care about him so very very much....

Deep down I do wonder if I will regret it (leaving that is). I wonder if I could spare both him and me all the pain of a separation. But on the other hand I don't want to live my life regretting not having taken my chance with my friend.

Its not easy (and I'm not saying it ever is), we have shared so so much and he has changed for me (not that I fored him to, let me make this clear). How can I just turn my back on him and my relationship?

 

Shawn, I am 26!!! I know the "passion" will fade, I said it myself! but at the age of 26, after having worked so so hard at something, are you not allowed to be fed up?

If things worked out fine with my friend, and say in 8 years time I found myself in the same situation I do now, I probably would choose to say thanks but no thanks to my attarctive colleague. The reason being that, in 8 years time I will be 34! I'm not saying I will necessarily be married with kids, but will be more settled down than I have been so far. And, if kids were involved now (like latefragment said) I would stick around.

 

Either way, I don't want to wake up one moring and think I have blown my chances at happiness with my lifetime partner! I don't want to regret my decision. Should I choose my friend, and things don't work out, I have told myself I can always move back home. I will be crushed but I can start again.... however, what I don't want is to look back and wish I had stayed with my boyefirend.

At the same time, I don't want to wake up in 2 years time, find I am still with my boyfirend and wish I had moved on when I had the chance...

 

Regretting things is something I want to avoid![FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[pmjack]

Hi Beee,

 

I know too well exactly what you are going through. My situation and feelings so closely mirror yours it was quite scary! I've been married for 5 years and together with my wife for 11. Since the start of this year I have grown closer to a woman I met online and eventually we fell in love. The last few months have been absolute hell trying to sort out my feelings and emotions and work out exactly what I truly *wanted* to do. Did I want to stay with my wife, or divorce and go to the other woman I cared for? For reference my wife is fully aware of what is happening and has moved out of our home for the present.

 

My feelings of helplessness and of being stuck in limbo have lasted for months. Similar to you, I was put under no pressure by the other woman to leave my wife. We discussed that and her view was that if I truly wanted to be with her, I would do whatever was necessary, because I wanted to. My hesitation was due to the sense of immense regret that would come with whichever direction I went. Either I would stay with my wife and regret never finding out and experiencing life with the other woman, or I would leave my wife and be faced with the knowledge that I ruined our marriage and caused my wife immense pain.

 

I went searching relationship forums for some advice on what to do and imagine my suprise when I found your posts with the same issues and thoughts that I was having.

 

I can jump ahead of your situation though. Only one hour ago I finally came to the conclusion deep inside myself that I did not want to lose my wife and our marriage. The conversation with the other woman (I hate that phrase, btw), that lasted a couple of hours was just gut wrenching. We'd always been totally honest in what we said to each other, so there were no cliched goodbyes and promises to stay friends. Through a lot of tears we thanked each other for sharing part of our lives together and said our goodbyes. We'll likely never speak again. I called my wife shortly after and let her know what had happened. I want her to come home. It is now up to her whether she wants to.

 

I feel filled with sadness at losing someone I had come to love and care for, yet I want to try and fix my marriage and hope I get the chance.

 

You've had a lot of advice from people who don't really know how you feel. I do. And while how things ended up for me may not be what you want, at least you'll have something to use as a reference. That's what I was searching for, so I hope it can be of some use to you.

 

Best of luck with your situation.

 

Paul.

[shawn_68]

Beee,

 

There's really nothing more that I can add. You just have to make the best decision that you can. Very rarely are these choices easy to make.

 

I do wish you happiness any whatever choice you make.

 

-S

[Beee]

Paul/pmjack.... thanks for letting me know I'm not alone and not a bad case of indicisiveness...

 

How did you come to that conclusion? did you go through a certain thought process? did someone say something?

What I'm finding hard (apart from the big list of things I have mentioned so far) is the parting with the past, with all the memories.... I know I will have new ones... but the old ones mean a lot to me.

 

Last night my friend told me that, although he didn't want to put me under any sort of pressure, he was starting to feel "uncomfortable" waiting around for me. He said that sooner or later things might slip between us, and the connection we have might be over-ridden by the frustrating situation we are on. He said that he was saying this to make me understand how he feels inside... not to pressure me into taking any sort of action.

 

I feel that if I stay with my boyfriend, we could probably spend the rest of our lives together... but in a more "agreement" sort of way. I care about him loads and we get along, so I really do think we could spend life together.... but will average do?

 

I am a romantic, I like to believe in soulmates (who knows maybe they exist maybe they dont - my parents, married for 41 years, don't believe in souldmates)...

 

Paul/pmjack, how did you come to your conclusion?

Many thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

 

Shawn, thanks for your advice.... it has really made me think hard.... x

[everlong]

chances are he is already shattered. it is strange how meeting one single person can make or break your entire life. when you have loved someone beyond what is natural, and they move on, you become the person that they see u as - disposable and worthless - and that is sometimes a mountain to high to climb - so that dead feeling becomes who u are and it is not easily repaired - and often people just give up on repairing something that is shattered. eventually, we all pick ourselves up, dust off the hurt and learn that life goes on. and, being able to 'recover' from something like that makes you stronger than u ever imagined. and that is what u take from the pain and the hurt - new found strength and confidence that u never knew existed inside you.

[pmjack]

Beee,

 

How did I come to my conclusion? I didn't have anyone to talk to about this unfortunately, so it was all up to me. Basically it was just a decision about what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be with. In the end I knew inside myself that I wanted to stay with my wife and try to fix what we had. You may decide the other way.

 

The sad part that I can tell you is that which ever way you go it's going to hurt. The only good part is, once you decide you *will* feel better. I feel a sadness that I've lost the connection I had with the other woman, but I also feel like the proverbial weight of needing to *choose* is gone from my shoulders.

 

You can't please both sides here Beee, someone won't be chosen and they will be hurt. I wish I could have made both women happy but life isn't like that. You're in the unenviable position of being the one to make the choice, but I'm sure if you stop and think deeply, I believe you'll find you have already decided. You don't want to say it though because there's no taking it back.

 

Who do you truly want to spend your life with?

 

Paul.

[Rooster_DAR]

Paul/pmjack....

I like to believe in soulmates

 

There is the problem right there.

 

Regards,

[Josalina]

rooster is right, is there ever a mr or mrs right or our own soulmates waiting to find us or are we the ones who have to work at the relationships with the people we find to try to get to that level?

 

is there such thing as a soul mate?

i would like to think so, but u never no what the other person is ever really thinking.

[Rooster_DAR]

LTR's and and marriage will always be a chance not matter what.. You can increase those chances by doing some homework, and picking someone using your brain instead of your heart. Understanding love, commitment, respect, honesty...yada yada yada, really is an important prerequisite. Perhaps the most important element is picking somebody that is compatible with you (that's why you should date for a long time first), understands what a commitement is, and can openly dicsuss all aspects of your relationship without disrespect.

 

In the end, there are no guarantees.

 

Regards,