Rooster_DAR Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 I think this is a topic that deems further discussion. I guess I can see two sides here and I'm not sure there is a wrong one.
Adunaphel Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 you just split without telling them anything. never contact or see them again. it works great and in the long run causes the least amount of pain and hassle for everyone involved... I also find it "an easy way out" for the dumper and a much less easier way out for the dumpee.... yet I guess that in some cases it might be acceptable, as long as - you do it in person - you are 100% clear about the affair being over. I would not regard this as one of these cases, though. They have been together for quite a lot of time, and knowing the real reasons why she is dumping him would IMO help him get over her more quickly. I don't think that it would be a good idea to remain friends - it would not be healthy for him.
mac007 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 my ex broke up with me. She wanted leave me cold turkey. She didn't want my feelings to be hurt. after 2 weeks, i got her finally to talk with me. it finds out that she wanted me to be a man in the situation. Her situation was she needed help financially. I said my first goal was to makes sure that I wasn't a fling with her. I realize that she broke up with me for financial reasons. Her new boyfirend is paying for her financial woes. also, her friends gave her wrong advice about me. One thing I learned is to forget all other advice and go with your gut feeling. It is usually the right thing to do.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Sounds to me like your EX is a reall winner. Not! Sorry, that sucks.
Author Beee Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 I would never "just leave"... we have been through too much and i think we both deserve more. I read somewhere that the person being "dumped" will feel rejected and might think there is something wrong with them.... well, I think talking things over can help ease that a little. I have gone on holiday without my boyfriend, and it was very hard to accept it but I didn't really miss him.... I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that after 8 years with my boyfriend, after chasing after him, after sharing all these things together I am no longer IN love with him... I am going to make one final atempt at evaluating my feelings... this weekend we are going away, just the 2 of us... he has a surprise planned (but at the moment I'm dreading it, as I am scared I will not be pleasently surprise, but rather feel suffocated). I find myself trying to get away when he says and does sweet things... and this is not right. I don't think age matters... I have never left someone (well unless my boyfriend when I was 16 counts) but I don't think it will ever become easier to hurt someone... and to be honest I don't want to become good at it... as I think that is a sad situation to be in.
scobro Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Whatever you do please for his sake do not say at any time the following..... 1)"You are a really great guy.....but" 2)I love you but am not in love with you" These are the verbal Kiss Of Death.I would say for his sake leaving with no explanation just up and go and never see him again would be easier on him than hearing those two lines. Alphamale makes a good point in the long run but it is harder to do that if you are the dumper.It seems like it is cowardly but I think he does raise a point but could drive him to track you down and hear an explanation of why you left. ugggh breakups are brutal but happen for a reason Also your thread question made me laugh "how do you gently break up with someone???? Thats like saying how do I gently drive a monster truck through a china/glass/crystal shop.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 1)"You are a really great guy.....but" 2)I love you but am not in love with you" Great, you just reminded me of how I was dumped!!!!!
Amour77 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Beee, are you really sincere when you are saying all that? You are saying you really care about him a lot, etc... To me, it sounds as if you are very confused and do not really know what you want. As Scobro said, do not play the little game of "you are a great guy, I want to be your friend, I like you but I am not in love you anymore..." If you dump him, all these words will be fake. This will be very cruel and he will either resent it or it will give him false hope. If you do have to finish it, tell him that it is finished, no contact straight away (move out, do not call him, etc...), tell him why you finished it, and that's it! It will keep things easier for him. Did you start to date the other guy when you were still with your boyfriend, or did you break up first? You say you are living with your boyfriend, does it mean you are still an item? Are you therefore playing a double game at the moment? Does your boyfriend know you are about to break up with him? What is the state of your relationship just now? Is it tense, is it totally dead? Now that you have someone in reserve, you think you can leave your boyfriend for another guy who supposedly treats you better. BS! Are you going to tell your boyfriend you are sleeping with somebody else? Are you breaking up because you do not love him anymore or because you found someone else and think it will make things easier and help you cope with all the emotions? Anyway, I don't think this is very honest of you, to say the least. You try not to break his heart, but you are going to, big time!
HoldOn Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Rooster, A friend said, a relationship which "is meant to be" doesn require as much work as I've had to put into this one... is that true? If you love someone, shouldn't whats importat to you aslo be important to them? ha ha. That's a f---ing joke. ALL relationships require work! You have to confront problems and have arguments occasionally. That is the only way to work through the problems without them exploding and ruining your relationship. I'm sure if you asked someone who was married 50 years if they were happy for every minute, they'd laugh in your face. All relationships have ups and downs, good times and hard times. Nevertheless, that doesn't answer the question of whether you should stay in this relationship. You decide whether you want to be and realize that after 10 years any relationship will get a little boring. If you decide to break up. Here's what you do. First, find a place to live. Second, have a face to face talk. Just tell him straight up. I am sorry, but I am leaving you. Also, in the meantime, stay away from other men until you have broken completely away from this relationship.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Beee, are you really sincere when you are saying all that? You are saying you really care about him a lot, etc... To me, it sounds as if you are very confused and do not really know what you want. As Scobro said, do not play the little game of "you are a great guy, I want to be your friend, I like you but I am not in love you anymore..." If you dump him, all these words will be fake. This will be very cruel and he will either resent it or it will give him false hope. If you do have to finish it, tell him that it is finished, no contact straight away (move out, do not call him, etc...), tell him why you finished it, and that's it! It will keep things easier for him. Did you start to date the other guy when you were still with your boyfriend, or did you break up first? You say you are living with your boyfriend, does it mean you are still an item? Are you therefore playing a double game at the moment? Does your boyfriend know you are about to break up with him? What is the state of your relationship just now? Is it tense, is it totally dead? Now that you have someone in reserve, you think you can leave your boyfriend for another guy who supposedly treats you better. BS! Are you going to tell your boyfriend you are sleeping with somebody else? Are you breaking up because you do not love him anymore or because you found someone else and think it will make things easier and help you cope with all the emotions? Anyway, I don't think this is very honest of you, to say the least. You try not to break his heart, but you are going to, big time! I agree with telling someone up front. I wish my EX would have just told me to fu** off, were done. That would have saved me a lot of pain and resentment.
shawn_68 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I am going to make one final atempt at evaluating my feelings... this weekend we are going away, just the 2 of us... he has a surprise planned (but at the moment I'm dreading it, as I am scared I will not be pleasently surprise, but rather feel suffocated). I find myself trying to get away when he says and does sweet things... and this is not right. If you cut this cord, you'll probably live to regret your decision. I'll go against the grain here and simply say that love is not "a feeling." Feelings come and go. With your new guy they will as well. Fact. And when they do, will you cut the cord on this guy too? It sounds to me like he is simply holding on too tightly as this point. Probably because he already senses that you are pulling away. He already knows more than you think. Why not just communicate to him what you are feeling? That you feel sufficated at this point. Here's the cycle: he senses you pulling away, so he holds on tighter. The tighter he holds, the further away you run. And at last you have the "feelings" that you are no longer "in love." I venture to say it is the chase that you miss. Things are "easy" for you now and you take him for granted. But years later you'll know what you've lost!! If you don't remember anything else remember this: feelings come and go. It is a commitment to stay together, regardless of fleeting feelings, that make a lasting, fulfilling relationship. It takes work. Choose wisely. The damage cannot be undone. -S
Ukwizard Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 A friend said, a relationship which "is meant to be" doesn require as much work as I've had to put into this one. Everything in life needs to be worked for! Everything from passing your exams at Uni, buying a car, (paid through finance, which has to be worked for), buying a house, and finally being in a relationship. Only you know what the problems are in this relationship. We don`t. There are two sides to every story, and we obviousily not hearing it from your partners point of view. You need to find out what you don`t like about him. What is it thats bothering you. Trust me, there is always a reason, or reasons why you have fallen out of love with your b/f. Why are you paying attention to another man? Is he paying more attention to you than your b/f? If you can figure out whats causing your conflicting feelings. You need to communicate how unhappy you are to him. Eight years is a long time to be together. Yes people fall in, and out of love all the time, but if its on, and off all the time you have to reconsider. Try to figure out whats wrong, and if things are salvageable. If not, then move on.
pricillia Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 you just split without telling them anything. never contact or see them again. it works great and in the long run causes the least amount of pain and hassle for everyone involved... Yeah until you find yourself lonley and alone....it works great!
shawn_68 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Great, you just reminded me of how I was dumped!!!!! I think of it this way. If you treated her well, and she chose to leave anyway, the issues were HERS. You weren't perfect, but you were a good guy. She didn't know what she had. Plain and simple. All it takes is a few relationships with some insensitive jerks for her to realize her loss. More than likely she'll realize this later in life. She'll probably "fall in love" with some self-centered guy that give her the challange that she longs for, and in the end cheats on her, or leaves her heartbroken. Read these forums!! You're much better off knowing NOW as opposed to later (with marriage and kids.) Realize that the issues were hers. And that somebody above was actually looking out for you. Sooner or later some women actually "get it." Others won't. And they'll repeat the cycle over and over again. Find one that will appreciate a good, honest guy. And recognize the ones that won't. -S
Rooster_DAR Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I think of it this way. If you treated her well, and she chose to leave anyway, the issues were HERS. You weren't perfect, but you were a good guy. She didn't know what she had. Plain and simple. All it takes is a few relationships with some insensitive jerks for her to realize her loss. More than likely she'll realize this later in life. She'll probably "fall in love" with some self-centered guy that give her the challange that she longs for, and in the end cheats on her, or leaves her heartbroken. Read these forums!! You're much better off knowing NOW as opposed to later (with marriage and kids.) Realize that the issues were hers. And that somebody above was actually looking out for you. Sooner or later some women actually "get it." Others won't. And they'll repeat the cycle over and over again. Find one that will appreciate a good, honest guy. And recognize the ones that won't. -S That was my problem, I treated her too well.
shawn_68 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 That was my problem, I treated her too well. No, the issues were HERS. If you treated her well, and she left, the issues were hers. You don't want to go where your logic leads.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I hope your right, and thank BTW for the positive feedback.
Josalina Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 r u serious alphamale? imagine if the person u loved more than anything in the world decided to never c or speak to you again, that is a cop out and extremly horrible. she deserves a reason at least, i can't believe u gave that advise actually, so u honestly feel if things don't feel right, run away and leave the people around her to pick up the pieces, i hope u could live with yourself.
Author Beee Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Let me start by saying that I did the chasing for about 5 years (out of the 8)... I spent these 7 and a half years thinking that he was the only person I wanted and we could work through any difficulty.... until, I spoke about what I thought was wrong, and nothing happened, only anger on his part. I tried for a fair few months to explain what was going wrong (in my eyes), but nothing ever changed. Promises were made but still nothing... and this was for about 4 months.... It is true that another man came into my life, but this man is not just some new guy I just met... I have been friends with him for the past 8 years, I have seen his highs and lows and he has seen mine. He has never asked me to leave my boyfriend for him, or has never put pressure on me to do so. My boyfriend did find out that something happene with this other man... I have taken my responsibility for my actions, however I do ask myself that somewhere, somehow, somthing must have pushed me. I never, in 8 years looked at other men or was interested in other men... so this isn't something that just happened with no reason behind it. At the moment, I'm still living with my boyfriend, although I wouldn't say we are an item. We are taking time to realise what direction we want to go in. He has had time to think while I have been away, and wants to start our relationship again. I however, feel that 8 years of hard work (mostly on my part - and yes you might argue that this is only my point of view, but he has admited to this as well) surely are quite a lot. I have reached a point where I care about him (honestly, how could I not? after so much we have shared how could I not care about him) a lot, but I don't feel happy or excited when I'm with him or when we do things together. My parents have been married for 41 years, and I think they make a good couple/team. Sure there have been ups and downs but fundamentally they are strong together. My dad once told me that its about a balance... every one has good and bad points, and if the good outweigh the bad then you have a pretty good chance of things working out.... but otherwise.... I agree, every relationship requires hard work, but it has to come from both sides... it can't just be one person giving the relationship 150% and the other just working at it every now and again...
SmoochieFace Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 r u serious alphamale? imagine if the person u loved more than anything in the world decided to never c or speak to you again, that is a cop out and extremly horrible. she deserves a reason at least, i can't believe u gave that advise actually, so u honestly feel if things don't feel right, run away and leave the people around her to pick up the pieces, i hope u could live with yourself. Well, Josalina, people who are commitmentphobes actually do think that way.
Josalina Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 but thats just plain horrible, how wud they like it
SmoochieFace Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 but thats just plain horrible, how wud they like it I agree, it is horrible, but the point is that they don't care. Commitmentphobes are too self-absorbed to genuinely care about another person's feelings... they only think of themselves.
shawn_68 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 At the moment, I'm still living with my boyfriend, although I wouldn't say we are an item. We are taking time to realise what direction we want to go in. He has had time to think while I have been away, and wants to start our relationship again. I however, feel that 8 years of hard work (mostly on my part - and yes you might argue that this is only my point of view, but he has admited to this as well) surely are quite a lot. I have reached a point where I care about him (honestly, how could I not? after so much we have shared how could I not care about him) a lot, but I don't feel happy or excited when I'm with him or when we do things together. I just have to ask. In your mind, is there even a chance that this relationship could work? That is, if he were to accomodate more for you would this help? If so, than I think that you need to tell him that he has to be willing to change, and if not then the relationship will end. Just know that if you end this, and he does love you, the damage will be permanent. You both will go your separate ways and become strangers. You should just understand the outcome. You don't want to regret the decision. Be sure.
The write one Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Beee did you already break up with the ex or are you still dragging him along? My situation is extremely simular to yours. Scarly simular in fact. I was on a break up stop watch for a guess a month or two before mine was handed down. The bad part of it all was I felt like I was being plotted on the whole time. Regardless, it's gonna hurt whenever you go for it, but don't do it right after he starts something new in his life. Most women think dropping someone during a high piont their lives helps the dumpee, but really it just f*** up the high piont.
Author Beee Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 Is there a chance? I don't know... Its not that I can't stand my boyfirend or can't stand the thought of being with him... there's just no excitment there (and I'm only 26... what happens at 50 then?). I have worked hard at this relationship and I'm just so very very tired. I have also found someone else who makes me feel like I'm worth this world and the other. I'm living in a limbo, on one hand there's my "boyfriend", we are not really a couple any more but I still live with him and we are still trying to assess whether there is a possibility for a future together. On the other hand, this friend who I've know for 8 years and who has become slightly more recently has stood by me all this time, not putting me under any sort of pressure and being patient. On one had my fear is that if I choose the friend I will regret loosing my "boyfriend", realising that after all he was the one who "got" me, no matter what. On the other, I'm scraed if I drag this thing on any longer I will loose this friend (and more). A friend of mine seems to think that, although my bofriend is a nice guy, we just don't have anything left to give to this relationship. The friend on the other hand, she seems to think that we really have something important between us... but that if I make him wait any longer he will eventually give up hope of being together.... I am reaching a point where everything seems a mess to me... I am really sad and tired and need to find a way out.... one that hopefully I won't regret forever.
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