How do I deal with the mother-in-law??

[the_alchemyst]

Waitaminute--did she actually cuss at you?

[lovestruck234]

Waitaminute--did she actually cuss at you?

 

Heck yes, she did...

[the_alchemyst]

Hmm. That's just unacceptible. Even if such words are common in her everyday speech, it is still disrespectful of her to address you with them in the manner in which she did.

 

I don't think this is something you should tolerate for the simple reason that if she wants you to respect her, then she must also respect you.

 

Respect between two people is never a one-sided thing.

[luvstarved]

Well lovestruck I am not going to begrudge you your youth, I would not have guessed you are that young. You are very well spoken.

 

I think you are right to be concerned but you can only show it so much. I married a man who lived with his parents until we got married and we were 38 when that happened! His mother acts like he is the greatest man ever born and still comes to our house everyday and is quite intrusive (goes in our bedroom, actually rearranges our closets and cabinets, cleans my kids' rooms even though I have asked her not to, goes into my private clothes hamper and does my laundry even though I have asked her not to - which might sound dreamy but she does a terrible job, no stain treating, no separating whites so everything is dingy or gets permanent blue streaks from jeans, everything all wrinkled). My husband exacerbates all this by being lazy around the house and asking her to do even more than she already does! I started a new job and now get home later and asked him if he could prepare dinner a couple of nights. His response was that we should get his mother to do it! But she's a lousy cook...honestly!

 

The difference with me and him is that I am very independent and he, like a lot of men, are more than happy in a domestic situation to let someone else take care of them. His mother was always only to happy to do that. She is also now trying to spoil her granddaughter, and even says "what is it, honey?" to her even when I am there and my daughter has said "Hey, Mom..." It has also made it difficult for me to give my husband an honest opinion because he is so used to her agreeing with him about EVERYTHING even when he is wrong that he sometimes expects it from me, even though logically he knows better.

 

I tried to put my foot down at one point but blood is thicker than water and in this sort of situation it is not wise to try to ask your husband to take sides. The best thing that you can do if you want to marry Rhys is as other posters suggested, try to forge a good relationship with her and do not try to exclude her entirely.

 

I have managed to set SOME boundaries and the problem has been reduced to more or less of an irritation. She is very nice to me and treats me like a daughter now more or less. I stand firm on big things and let the little ones go.

 

For a while, I even thought that we had a real relationship independent of him, but I was kidding myself. She told me one time that if he and I were ever to break up, she would take his side even if he were in the wrong and she had to lie to do it.

 

So, I didn't mean to make it sound like my response is all about me, just trying to give you some preview of what you could expect down the road if things continue in a similar vein.

 

Advice wise, I would only say that you should define your boundaries before getting married...if it comes to that, but do not try to push for any sort of extreme estrangement between the two of them, because it is only likely to backfire. Make sure that you are willing to accept some level of this and able to live with some irritation if need be in order to be with the man you love.

 

Maybe I missed it but I didn't notice anything in here about what Rhys has to say about all this. I would not make it an issue with him, you might lose!, but I would at least ask him sometime to let the machine answer the phone and see how he reacts...just to get some indication. I am not saying you shouldn't talk about it as things get more serious between you two, just don't make a big deal of it at this point in the game...

[lovestruck234]

thank you for your advice and your story....geez though, I hope she's not like that with us when we're married...

 

Well....Rhys doesn't really have much to say cos I try not to bring it up too much. I have a couple of times and he's like "oh, stop it, you're over-reacting, she loves you, Tess!!"....

 

I try to tell him he will never see it through the eyes that I see it....never.

 

You see, the same sort of scenario happened with MY mum and him a little while ago, pretty much as soon as we started going out...except you know what? Mum hadn't done a single thing to Rhys for him to feel the way he did about her, he simply brought it on by himself. Mum was always inviting, chatting with him, all of that, never made him feel unwanted or whatever...who knows why he acted the way he did.

 

But he said to me "You know what's getting in the way of us...your mother"...

 

Hmm...how many of you would have handled that calmly...well I applaud those of you who would, cos let me tell you, it's pretty bloody hard.

 

I let that go and soon enough things were back to normal with him and mum.

 

Now last night I reminded him of that and what he had said to me, I repeated it back to him and he went APE at me.

 

It always seems different when the shoe's on the other foot with him...

[the_alchemyst]

Of course it is. But that's not necessarily a bad thing--at least you get to know his varying reactions in different circumstances.

 

It's good that you don't bring it up, to a certain extent. Some things should just be let slide, if they are truly unimportant.

 

However, her attitude and behavior towards you, especially considering the closeness she has with her son, is truly important.

 

If it really bothers you, you should not let it escalade into anything greater than it already is.

[abitconfused]

I would say you have to let him handle it. Tell him really how much its bothering you and go from there. He is the only one who can change things. You can't with this. Sounds like she don't want to let her boy go.

[lovestruck234]

Ok so last night was....weird.

 

I rang Rhys when I got home from work to see what he was doing..anyway he answered and I'm like "Hey" and he's like "Hey"....and then says to soemone in the background "It's Tess" and then I hear Shelly's voice ans she says "Hey Tessy darling, how's it going?" in the background, like, Rhys was still on the ohone.

 

I was like.....WTF??? So th day before that it's ok to go bananas at me, but then you're all cool about it today???? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's great not to dwell on things, but it's seems as though when Shelly's ready to get over it, everyone else should.

 

Now I'm not one to hold grudges, but I'm not one to just let it sail by like the wind either, what she said to me actually hurt my feelings believe it or not...I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to let that go just yet. Alot of you would probably be like "Oh, get over it" but no. I can't.

 

That is the first time she has screamed at me like that. It made a bit of an impact. Oh, yeah, and then she goes "Oh, well, you need a good tune-up anyway".....tune up?? Tune up??? And who are you to make an accusation like that? My OWN mother will be the only one I would accept yelling at me that way she did.

 

I was talking to my mum on the way to work this monring, had to drop her in town to pick up her car at the mechanic. Anyway, just chatting with her about it and I was tellign her about how much she is obsessed with him. Like I was over there one nigth and we were all sitting watching tv, anyway, Rhys started playing with my hair and Shelly's like "Awww, I wish you'd play with MY hair like that, Rhys"....

 

And mum was telling me how Shelly told her once that she hates it when it's just her (Shelly) and Peter (Rhys' dad)....I have no idea WHY but she says she hates it when the kids aren't there.

 

Um...wouldn't a married couple LOVE a weekend or whatever to themselves???

 

And I was speaking to Hannah as well...that Rhys' sister. She was telling me that Shelly cares for her in a different way. Like, instead of giving her a hug to tell her she loves her, she gives her money. Whereas with Rhys, she's hugging him every two seconds. And Hannah was saying how she wishes that she hugged and loved her the way she does Rhys. Like, Shelly will go out grocery shopping and deliberately buy food that Rhys likes to eat...not Hannah.

 

I'm sorry, but I think that is just so unfair. Hannah is felling left out and she tells me she wants a mum that loves her and she can talk to. Like, I was at their house one day and Peter and Rhys started saying all this stuff about boys and all this that Hannah had CONFIDED in Shelly, and she went off and told Peter and Rhys. I am with hannah on this one and she was like "I'm not telling you anything anymore, cos everyone seems to find out about it around here!!"

 

And Shelly just laughed about it. Slack.

 

What is it with mothers and their sons and obsessing over them??? Lots of my relatives are like that with their sons....why??

[Sally00]

lol awww you call her your mother-in-law? so cute!!!

 

actually my boyfriend's sister calls me her sister-in-law... i like it

[johan]

I admit that I felt favored by my family over my younger sister. It was nothing like what you're describing, but it was there. I don't know why that happens. There is a lot of pride invested in the oldest son, I guess. Or maybe in the oldest child. Maybe it doesn't have to be a son.

 

But what I'm describing is pride and hopes. I don't remember much physical affection or phone calls or attention beyond the norm. In fact, there was hardly any of that. I was on my own. In college I rarely heard from my family. My mom may call once a month. I don't call home much.

 

Up until a few years ago I would call my mom to talk through relationship issues. She was safe to confide in. But I don't even do that anymore, because she has no answers, and it violates the confidence of whoever I'm with.

 

I think Rhys' mother has some attachment issues, and she's going to have a really hard time letting him go. You describe how she acts toward him. You don't describe his behavior much. Does he like how she is? Does he reciprocate? Is he indifferent? Is he aware of how you feel about it?

[lovestruck234]

I wonder why it is though.....hmm..mystery...

 

Well, he doesn't really say much...I'll admit, I'm more the one bringing it up. Like I'll be like "Aww, you wouldn't survive ONE day without your mum doing your washing and making your bed and everything"

 

He'll be like "well...that's right!!"...

 

He doesn't seem to mind...if anything...I think he likes it. Alot. Hannah and me will always joke around about it to him and he's like "Well, I'm not complaining...you 2 are just jealous!!"....

 

No I'm not jealous, I'm just sickened. Shelly is a bit of a doormat to them though. She's more the fool for doing all of it for him. She makes Hannah's bed everyday too, cleans her room, they don't help to clear the table after dinner...see, I clear the table on my own, my mum just goes and sits down after dinner. I guess it's just a totally differnt enviromment to what I'm used to.

 

I do most of the chores at home, Rhys and hannah do barely any. That's another reason why i got so pissed off when Shelly had the nerve to call me lazy...Grr...I am FAR FAR from lazy...

 

But anyway, I'm going off topic here. No, I don't think Rhys minds at all with the way his mum treats her. He's never complained about the phone calls, never. If that was me, I would swicth my phone OFF. My mum has always been a "one phone call to see if your safe" mother. Anymore than that and I start to get agitated. I'm too independent to have my parents hassling me all the time. And they've realised that now, so they have eased off. I have proven my maturity to them, and the repsect that. They still expect alot from me, but they are cool about it.

 

Rhys is mature as well. He is able to stand on his own two feet...when will Shelly realise that?

 

My mumwas telling me this morning that she's dealt with letting us go, and she has had the experience, first with my older sister, then with my other sister, and so now it's not as hard to let me go....it's still hard, but she can handle it. Shelly is just learning, they are teenagers now, so she's dealing with how parents aren't that important once you start to grow up....

 

I don't know....

[johan]

Real life is going to be a shock for him. Or you, if you live with him. Or whatever girl he lives with.

 

Guys should be able to cook and clean and do their own laundry. It's annoying if they can't.

[lovestruck234]

Real life is going to be a shock for him. Or you, if you live with him. Or whatever girl he lives with.

 

Guys should be able to cook and clean and do their own laundry. It's annoying if they can't.

 

 

Oh no, I already know what life is like. I work 12 hr days, I cook meals 4 times a week, I do washing, feed animals, clean, clean, clean, maintain a farm, train horses, etc etc and there are plenty more jobs here that I haven't mentioned that I do every week of my life and have been doing since I was 12. I already know what life is like, I know what it's like to struggle, I know what it's like to go bankrupt, I know all of these things.... and I'm only 17.....

 

I know exactly what I am dealing with as far as Rhys is concerned in the future....but you know what? He'll be whipped into shape REAL fast. I won't be waiting on him hand and foot like his mother does. I am NOT his mother. He'll learn that VERY fast....

[RecordProducer]

I hope she's not like that with us when we're married...

You're both only 17 and already plan to get married some day?

[lovestruck234]

You're both only 17 and already plan to get married some day?

 

My oath we do...

[Touche]

Oh and I'd like to comment on one thing you said. You said something about "What is it with mother's and their sons?"

 

Well, yes we mothers have a special bond with our sons. You will see that one day if you're ever lucky enough to have a son, BUT her actions are NOT normal.

 

I need and want alone time with my husband. That part to me was very odd. I mean the part where you said she didn't feel complete or something when she was just alone with her husband not her son or her kids. That's VERY strange in my book.

 

In my world this boy is called a "Momma's Boy" and let me tell you that they are a nightmare! No healthy woman wants one. And I'd cut my right arm off if I raised one.

 

Anywho, you're only 17 and it's not likely that this romance will last past your 19th birthday anyway, so you needn't worry too much about it.

[whichwayisup]

At 17 I thought I was going to marry a guy I was with too....And he ain't the one I'm with now!

 

All I'm saying is, try not to look so far into the future. You don't know what will happen, and as you get older, you'll change, so will he. Not saying that you two WON'T end up together, but don't make actual promises that you 100% can't keep further down the road. We as women do ALOT of changing in our 20's to 30's, so who you are now more than likely won't be the same later. (hope that makes sense, I'm abit tired tonight and can't string sentences together! lol)

[whichwayisup]

WTF is with his mom wishing that her son played with HER hair like the way he played with yours??? WTF is that?

 

Yeah, that's not normal behaviour. Her calling SO many times, is not normal behaviour, it's creepy, it's obsessive and controlling.

 

She is making her son into a man who will never "do" things on his own. He'll expect his future wife (maybe you) to do it all for him, since he is a mama's boy. He won't do dishes, help out, he'll sit there and let the woman take over so he can stay spoiled and in a safe comforting place...

[lovestruck234]

Anywho, you're only 17 and it's not likely that this romance will last past your 19th birthday anyway, so you needn't worry too much about it.

 

I can't wait till I'm 30 and I can look back at this and go ha! I'm married to him!!

 

I have a male friend who's parents have been together since they were 16....SOME of these romances last the distance...SOME don't. Mine is one of the ones who will...just you see...

[lovestruck234]

She is making her son into a man who will never "do" things on his own. He'll expect his future wife (maybe you) to do it all for him, since he is a mama's boy. He won't do dishes, help out, he'll sit there and let the woman take over so he can stay spoiled and in a safe comforting place...

 

But you see, he doesn't expect this stuff...she just does it...and I'm not saying that he wouldn't be quite used to it now, he probably is, but if he wasn't given this luxury, I'm sure he would take it upon himself to do it. He still helps alot in many other ways. Although before I said he doesn't...hmmm..he does...he does alot of running around for Shelly as far as picking things up and whatnot. He is a good son. He has been raised well....whenever he comes over my house for dinner or whatever he always helps out with the dishes and clearing the table. Don't know why he doesn't do it at home but anyway!!

 

This thread isn't to bad mouth Rhys...the way I see it, Shelly has brought upon herself making him a mummy's boy.

 

See, hmm...this is where I get confused. He is a mummy's boy as far as cleaning room, washing etc but he doesn't hang on her all the time. He doesn;t push her away or anything, but he doesn't cling to her. If that makes sense. He just goes about his business without having to need Shelly to help or anything. She's the one who wants to. She's the one who tries to jump in at any opportunity to be with her "big man!!"...

 

Yes, the not wanting to spend alone time with Peter I found strange when mum told me too. Kinda weird.

 

She is trying to mould Rhys I think. Both her and Peter ride horses...they are a bit of a horsey family...but Rhys doesn't like horses, he prefers to ride his motorbike and Shelly said to him the other night "This is a horse family, you are expected to ride..."...pfft if my mums aid that to me I would definitely have something to say back. No WAY should he be expected to ride just cos they do. The boy needs choices of his own.

 

But anyway, I'm no-one to tell her how to raise him, I guess. Just wish she'd stop obsessing over him pretty quick cos it's starting to wear thin...

[Touche]

I can't wait till I'm 30 and I can look back at this and go ha! I'm married to him!!

 

I have a male friend who's parents have been together since they were 16....SOME of these romances last the distance...SOME don't. Mine is one of the ones who will...just you see...

 

Well they have beaten the odds then lovestruck.

 

Come back on here when you are 30 and I'll bet every last bit of money that I have that it won't even last until you're 19. I stand by my earlier statement.

 

Do you still like playing with dolls or whatever you liked doing at 12 or 13 or 14? Well believe me when I say that in a few short years you will have outgrown him just as you outgrew the things you did at those earlier ages.

 

Those parents who are still married have beaten the odds. And you don't even know WHY they are still married or if they're even happy.

 

The odds ARE against you no matter what you say.

 

So come back here at 30. Wish I could really bet on this. I'd more than likely be a very wealthy woman.

 

I give it until you're 25 at the MOST! And that's being really generous. Combine your ages AND the fact that he's a Momma's Boy and you have a REAL disaster on your hands.

 

PLEASE don't marry this guy. You'll more than likely regret it.

[lovestruck234]

Well they have beaten the odds then lovestruck.

 

Come back on here when you are 30 and I'll bet every last bit of money that I have that it won't even last until you're 19. I stand by my earlier statement.

 

Do you still like playing with dolls or whatever you liked doing at 12 or 13 or 14? Well believe me when I say that in a few short years you will have outgrown him just as you outgrew the things you did at those earlier ages.

 

Those parents who are still married have beaten the odds. And you don't even know WHY they are still married or if they're even happy.

 

The odds ARE against you no matter what you say.

 

So come back here at 30. Wish I could really bet on this. I'd more than likely be a very wealthy woman.

 

I give it until you're 25 at the MOST! And that's being really generous. Combine your ages AND the fact that he's a Momma's Boy and you have a REAL disaster on your hands.

 

PLEASE don't marry this guy. You'll more than likely regret it.

 

:lmao: Phew..woo...funny...VERY funny.

 

So I wonder if it occured to you that there are alot of people out there that are happily married from a young age? Did it occur to you that it is possible? Lol I have about hmmm....7 or 8 people that In know that have been together since they were young...I'm talking 16 here. And YES, they are very happy. I speak to one of th ladies, who is actually my Aunty, all the time about it, and she doesn't regret a thing...

 

Everybody's views on this topic are going to be different...

 

I don't see what everyone's big deal is about me being so young and possibly ending up with the first guy I fell in love with...???? BIG DEAL!!

 

And it is NOT very often that I will come across a guy like Rhys. He's different from the others...and no, I don't mean differnt by mummy's boy different, but the fact that he has made me happy from day 1. We are past the honeymoon stage in our relationship, I can see clearly now, I can see where I want to be in 10 years time. With him. I know I won't regret it....I knew I won't.

 

Genuine people are VERY hard to come across nowadays, the fact that I have found one...I'm the luckiest girl on this planet.

 

I have it too good in this relationship, he treats me too well, sure, he has treated me like sh*t from time to time, and I've probably done the same, but it's pulled into line. I am NOT stupid enough to put up with it like Shelly does, I won't be shat on, and I won't be a caterer to his every need either...he knows that. I know that.

 

I am finding balance. I am finding how to keep a relationship going. And it's working.

 

I'm not going to give up that easily. You can't just fall out of love like that.

[Touche]

You're laughing at me exactly the way I'm laughing at you and your naivete. I hope that at LEAST you put off kids.

 

It's funny to me that you laugh at what I'm saying. My god, you're still a CHILD. You have NO idea what else is out there. You don't really know if he REALLY treats you well until you are both out on your own and have the pressures of the adult world.

 

You're safe in your mummy's womb now still. You haven't even experienced the REAL world yet. You both do chores, woopity doo. You've never even had to support yourselves for crying out loud!

 

Ok, laugh and snicker and tell me that you know he's the best thing that ever came along. Maybe he is. But why not wait until you're older to decide if you want to marry him? I mean since you're SO sure and all.

 

You know sometimes you should LISTEN when people are all saying the same things to you...maybe, just MAYBE they actually know more than someone who has lived on this planet less than two decades...ya think?

[johan]

Would you have listened to the voices of reason when you were 17, Touche? Would you advise her to dump him now? That wouldn't be the right thing to do. This relationship will run its course and that could be anything from breaking up tomorrow to them growing old together.

[Touche]

NO one, including me, has advised the OP to "dump" her b/f as you so eloquently put it. Instead I suggested that she not MARRY him in the near future. I also suggested that she not have children with him right away.

 

As a responsible member of this forum and as someone who has been through the intense pain that divorce brings, I cannot in good conscience recommend marriage in this case.

 

I never suggested that the OP couldn't beat the odds. I did however suggest that she most likely wouldn't.

 

The relationship WILL run it's course, yes. And yes, that might mean ending up growing old together. But what's so irresponsible about suggesting they wait awhile before marriage? What's so wrong in suggesting they save themselves the pain of a divorce?

 

If this IS true love and they are meant to grow old together, then what's so wrong in suggesting that they wait until they are at LEAST out of their teens?

 

Oh and did I listen to voices of reason when I was 17? NO! But I wasn't daft enough to think that I found my life long mate at that age either! I mean, at that age, I didn't listen when my mom told me not to go to the MALL after dark!