lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Has anyone got an answer on this? Ever since we have come back from our holiday I have realised how much of a mummy's boy Rhys is.... She rang him... 5 minutes after we leftwhen we were half way therewhen we got therewhen we got to our cabinwhen we were at dinnerwhen we were going to bedwhen we got up the next morningwhen we were on our way up to the snow fieldswhen we were at the snowwhen we got homewhen we were in the showerwhen we.....DID EVERYTHING SHE WAS ON THE PHONE!!!!It was so frustrating...that is another reason our holiday sucked. She was creating all my tension. "Hi Rhys darlin, how's it going? Are you ok? Everything alright? You've had something to eat? How's it all going with Tess? Are you arguing?" ARGH!!!!!!!! And just ever since then I have noticed how LAID-BACK my mother is. I thought she was always on my case, but NO WAY, Rhys' mum is like a mental case. Mum was telling me that while we were away they came up to our place (Rhys' mum and dad) to have a few drinks. Rhys' mum was like "Oh, how many time shave YOU spoken to them, Kerri? (my mum), I've spoke to them SEVEN times today, have they rang you that many times, Kerri?" Mum's like "Um....I don't know...don't really care..." Lol she does, but you know what I mean... She is that obsessed with Rhys its sickening. I always joke to him that she probably secretly wishes she wasn't his mum so she could go him!! She makes his bed everyday, does all his washing, buys all the food that he likes to eat, wants to know when he's goign to the toilet so she can WIPE HIS A$$ (that was a joke, but thats the extreme she goes to!!)... WHENEVER Rhys and me are having alone time...his phone goes off. "Hi mum".... I have thrown it out the window 3 times now....I have made him turn it off, I have made him leave it at home, I have answered the phone and said Rhys is busy, everything! GARGH!!! I was talking to my mum about it and this is what she said to me "Tess, Rhys is Shelly's (Rhys' mum) only boy...he's the eldest, and to have gone from staying at home all the time before he met you, to now doing everything with you, she isn't comfortable with that. She will never tell you that you're not good enough for him, but you never will be. No girl is good enough for a mother's son. Rhys is IN LOVE with you, he just LOVES his mother. She isn't the girl he wants to marry and have kids with...a mother plays a big part in a boy's life" I will always feel that competition with her, though. We've never had an argument or a run-in with each other, we've been family friends for years, but I know deep down she wishes Rhys spent more time with her... I speak to Rhys' sister sometimes about it, and she says that she (her mum) loves her in a different way, not the same as Rhys....she feels left out all the time...and I don't blame her. Sorry this is a bit long, but it's been bothering me for a while, need a bit of advice here! How do I stop feeling like this? How can I somehow stop Shelly from OBSESSING over Rhys? Even when he got his licence, she had all these baloons in the house and when we walked in she's like "Awwwww, isn't he just the best boy EVER??? He's so handsome!! He is THE BEST!" *kiss kiss kiss kiss cuddle cuddle cuddle*... It's so sickening. I hate it. I was playing around with his phone one day and a message came through and honest to God, I did accidentelly open it, by mistake cos I was about to preess "Open" on something else. Anyway it was from her and it goes "I love you big man, you are the best...Love Mum xxxxxxxx" ......please help!!
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Do what you can to make his mom feel at ease. You have that power. Be nice to her! Sometimes maybe ask her to go out with you two to dinner. That way she feels included in her son's life. It may be difficult sometimes, but honestly, I think that it will pay off in the long run. Understand her position, he is the only son and maybe she is just over protective...Though it's because she loves him. It's good intention. How does she treat you? Is she nice? The other thing is, you can tell Rhys that there are times he should let the machine pick up, especially when you two are alone together. (I'm sure too, he has issues with his mom - who doesn't! - And he probably doesn't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel excluded from his life) But he can make efforts to put you first when you guys are alone.
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 How does she treat you? Is she nice? She is nice, but in a secretive way, if you know what I mean. It's like I will never know what she's truly thinking about me at times... I know this is really low, but sometimes I just want her to PISS OFF!!!!! She is so annoying sometimes. She had Rhys' whole life to be with him, do everything with him, why can't she just accept that he's with me now?? Like I said, this has shone a whole new light on MY mum. She's pretty easy-going and it's so much easier that way. Not having to call all the time like Rhys' mum "Ring me when you get there!!" If we're just ducking into town to grab a few things.... She so obsessive!! You should see in her room one of her walls is COVERED of photos of Rhys as he was growing up...like each year, when he was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 etc...
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Im sorry but I'm forgotten...How old are you and Rhys? I know this is really low, but sometimes I just want her to PISS OFF!!!!! She is so annoying sometimes. She had Rhys' whole life to be with him, do everything with him, why can't she just accept that he's with me now?? LOL! Think it, but never act upon it. It's so not worth it...Plus, you'll piss him off abit if you do something to his mom. I think him having to call her all the time and check in IS abit much. Though, that's his problem and his battle he must fend for himself...HE eventually has to detach and let her know, "Yeah I love you Mom, but I don't think it's necessary to be incontact 24/7." She probably does accept you, but it is hard for her...Him being the only son. That doesn't help the situation either. I say just go with the flow and try your best NOT to let it get to you. IF you react, it will only cause problems.
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Im sorry but I'm forgotten...How old are you and Rhys? He's 17 and I'll be 18 in a month...
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 And now I'm guessing because I'm young, you are all going to talk to me like I'm a little kid, or more so, not even bother replying....that's cool...I get it all the time....
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 When you get older, you'll understand. NOT funny.
Roo Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 "Tess, Rhys is Shelly's (Rhys' mum) only boy...he's the eldest, and to have gone from staying at home all the time before he met you, to now doing everything with you, she isn't comfortable with that. She will never tell you that you're not good enough for him, but you never will be. No girl is good enough for a mother's son. Rhys is IN LOVE with you, he just LOVES his mother. She isn't the girl he wants to marry and have kids with...a mother plays a big part in a boy's life" yep... get used to it my MIL was a big person in both our lives for a long time, but she crossed a line and put H in a position of choosing to be a good husband or a good son (guess which he chose?) So don't sweat it, the less you let her get to you the better for RHYS because then instead of deailng with YOUR issue with his mother he can deal with his own, and eventually it will annoy him if you don't make it your problem first. good luck.
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I think it's cute you refer to her as your mom-in-law seeing as you two aren't married...(or ARE you???) It's the age thing, the fact he is 17 and to a parent, let alone a mom, in her eyes he still is a child. (Even though he really isn't.) And, if he is living at home, it's sort of her rules that he has to go by. She just needs to lighten up, so talk to him about it and ask him to talk to her about not calling him so much. He has to make the break, live his own life abit without her knowing his business. Noone wants to be checked upon all the time. So hopefully she won't be too upset (if he has the courage) when he talks to her. I don't know his dynamtic with her, like is he intimated by her, scared to talk to her, have discussions or arguments etc..,
allina Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 And now I'm guessing because I'm young, you are all going to talk to me like I'm a little kid, or more so, not even bother replying....that's cool...I get it all the time.... Why are people SO defensive about being young and about members taking that in to consideration when replying to their posts??? You can refuse to believe it all you want but you are 17, it IS young and sometimes it shows. I think you're a great girl and I always appreciate your input but truth is that our ages do influence these situations. Me being a 20-something with little life experience has an impact on how I function, just as you being 18 affects you. It's no reason to take anyone less seriously but it is a fact that does matter and can't really be ignored.
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 I think it's cute you refer to her as your mom-in-law seeing as you two aren't married...(or ARE you???) I don't know his dynamtic with her, like is he intimated by her, scared to talk to her, have discussions or arguments etc.., Lol no we're not married...dunno we have always called them in-laws, like Rhys calls my parents the in-laws as well...lol i guess I never really thought about it... No no he's got a pretty good relationship with her...really good actually. He's in NO way intimidated by her like I am my parents. They talk for sure, but I have never known him to, in all the time I've known him, to have any serious discussions with her...the most serious talks he has had are probably about his motorbike.... He "doesn't do serious talks".....
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Why are people SO defensive about being young and about members taking that in to consideration when replying to their posts??? You can refuse to believe it all you want but you are 17, it IS young and sometimes it shows. I think you're a great girl and I always appreciate your input but truth is that our ages do influence these situations. Me being a 20-something with little life experience has an impact on how I function, just as you being 18 affects you. It's no reason to take anyone less seriously but it is a fact that does matter and can't really be ignored. It's funny.....you seem to be the only one who appears to be affected or offended by the statement I made...wonder why... Yes I am 17, and OF COURSE it's going to show....I can't really act 30 if I'm not. Just the same as you can't. Hmmm I wonder what you were like at 17....bet you we're perfect.
allina Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 It's funny.....you seem to be the only one who appears to be affected or offended by the statement I made...wonder why... Yes I am 17, and OF COURSE it's going to show....I can't really act 30 if I'm not. Just the same as you can't. Hmmm I wonder what you were like at 17....bet you we're perfect. Uhhhhhh what are you talking about?????? How am I offended? You clearly missed my point completely. The last statement you made was especially ridiculous and out there.
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Uhhhhhh what are you talking about?????? How am I offended? You clearly missed my point completely. The last statement you made was especially ridiculous and out there. Misunderstanding officially over....I realy couldn't be bothered discussing this...
the_alchemyst Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I just turned 20, not that I know why that's relevant or anything. But then again, I'm probably the most boring 20-year-old you'll ever meet, so, eh. You are young--yes, you are. Given your age, I think this bothers you because you want "freedom" with your boyfriend--you know, you want to go out with him and do stuff with him without having his mom call him incessantly. It's typical for people your/our age: We are trying to "find ourselves" or whatever and in order to do this, we feel that we need to be let loose from the strings of our parents a bit more. By her calling all the time, you are still feeling oppressed, in a way, I bet. I bet it kind of feels like she's there with you, limiting the amount of fun and freedom you have with him. I can completely understand why this would be frustruating: You want your time alone with him to be just that--your time alone with him, without the many calls from the parents, making it so that you are not alone, if you understand what I mean. But you have to understand that you are young. He is just 17, and him being her only son and the older and all of that only adds to it. Of course she is going to be worried for him and for you, and that is why she calls. Perhaps it is unnecessary of her to call so much, but I think you should appreciate that she calls to make sure you are safe. Really. It's concern. Maybe it's too much concern in her case, to the point of it being vexing for you, but there is nothing you can really do, except talk to your boyfriend. IMO, if you tell her something, you will come off as rude and immature, and I don't think you are, so why convey yourself in a manner you are not? She is his mother and there is no changing that. She will always be concerned for his well-being. He is young and so are you, and you are still under your parents' roofs, anyway, so you have to accept these things. Personally, I wouldn't be too annoyed. Yes, I would probably raise my eyebrow, but that's it--if that. I think you are being extreme in making him turn of his cell phone and even worse, throwing it around. You don't have that right, Tess. She is his mother and he is her young son. You are his girlfriend and while he may love you with all of this heart, he still under their care (right?) and as such, they have the right to call him; yes, even 1000 times a day. All he can do is ask that they don't call so needlessly, but that's it, I think. I don't think you should make such a big deal out of it. Annoying, yes, it may be. But believe me, it's waaay more tolerable that having your parents not call you. ever. Believe me, my dear.
Ripples Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I think WWIU and Roo have got it right. I know how hard it is to not say anything, to not let your pissedoffness show to Rhys, but it'll pay dividends in the end if you manage to keep quiet and even (as WWIU suggested) include the MIL in what you two are doing at times. The point that Roo made: "the less you let her get to you the better for RHYS because then instead of deailng with YOUR issue with his mother he can deal with his own, and eventually it will annoy him if you don't make it your problem first." Absolutely spot on. He'll make the break far quicker if you appear to have no issue with his mother. And I'm 35 so ner
quankanne Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 How do I stop feeling like this? How can I somehow stop Shelly from OBSESSING over Rhys encourage him to set aside a special time for just the two of them – a weekly lunch or dinner date, no one else around – with the understanding that the rest of his time is not to be monopolized by her. It's really not encouraging her obsession of him, but letting her see that she's important enough to have the "mommy and me" time she needs to have with him while keeping it in check. Age doesn't matter, either – he ought to do this whether he's 17 or 57, it just helps make the situation better, IMO.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I feel ya- I really do. My husband is his mothers only child. They have always been close. She was always nice to me when we dated. When we eloped and got married it was his choice not to tell her. I told him I thought it was a wise idea to let her know on our way up there but he didn't want anyone there but the two of us. So, he calls her and tells her after the ceremony- not that day- but while we're on our honeymoon trip. He started crying in the middle of the conversation because he was so overcome by emotion. So, apparently she thought he was kidding or something. We come back, I'm moving my stuff- and I call her because she'd not been feeling well and I tell her I'm moving my stuff and she was like "Where are you moving to?" I said, "To H's" and she was like "WHAT?" I said well we did get married this weekend and she was like "I thought you were kidding. I DO NOT like surprises" And she was pissy about it. It hurt my feelings. He told me to relax she's come around and she did. It didn't take long either. She's very good to me, takes me on shopping sprees and such. Know why? Because she can tell I love her son, more than anyone ever has- and I'm good to him and his happiness is her priority. They are still close and she calls alot and stuff. She worries about him constantly. But he is her only child. I don't let it bother me. I kinda actually like it. Now, if he was over there everyday doing her chores I wouldn't like it so much but that's not the case. I'll let you in on a little secret. You can tell alot by how a man treats his mother. Most of the time. I'm not jealous of her in the least- because he gives me plenty of attention. Just be sweet and if she's calling too much, have him not answer. He can call her back. Eventually as he gets older she'll probably adjust to him having someone in his life. And if you guys are still together she'll probably be really good to you. He sounds like a real sweetheart and he wouldn't have been if she didn't do a good job raising him!
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 Thank you everyone for your replies.... So this weekend was a little "tense"...I guess you could say. Rhys was meant to be going away this weekend but he didn't end up going...long story. Anyway, it was Fathers Day on Sunday and we both checked with our parents to see if we were doing anything because we both had to work for a friend of Rhys' and myself, clearing land to build a SuperX track. Both mine and Rhys' parents were all cool with it, they were just going to be at home anyway. So we were out there, clearing all this land, and Rhys gets a phone call... "Rhys, where are you? You should be home for your father, we're going out to lunch, tell Tess to stay there, you get home now!" Rhys' mum. So he did. Anyway, I had been working all day, I was hot, tired, sweaty, all I wanted to do was have a shower and have a sleep. I just got out of the shower and Rhys called. "Hey" "Hey, how was lunch?" "Hmmm...not bad. Hey, mum and dad are just about to go on a horse ride, so no one will be home....feelin' frisky??" "Ha ha ha. Hell yes, I'll be up in a minute!!" So as I was driving up to his house I passed Shelly (Rhys mum) and Peter (Rhys dad) on the horses. "Hey Tessy darlin, if it starts to rain can you take the clothes off the line?" "Yeah yeah, no worries... see yas!" So I got up to Rhys' and yes, we got a bit heavy with each other. Anyway, I still was feeling exhausted so I told him I'm just going to take a quick nap....oh and to wake me up if it starts to rain... So zzzzzz...I was out like a light. What I woke up to as something beyond pleasant.... "OH, AND THANKS TESS FOR TAKING THE CLOTHES OFF THE LINE YOU LAZY SH*T....YOU NEVER HELP OUT AROUND THIS PLACE. DON'T KNOW WHAT RHYS SEES IN YOU, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LAZY COW!!" Well, good morning!! What the hell? I told Rhys to wake me up. He was outside working on his motorbike. I pretty much got in my car and left. Far out!! I was really shocked. She has never gotten mad at me like that before. If anything, actually, I was pretty pissed off. I know I should of taken them off, but anyway. So I haven't seen or spoken to her since then. I don't know how long it will be before I do....see what happens... So there you have it, proof that Rhys' mum officially dislikes me!! What a fantastic weekend!!
johan Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Did she think you could hear her?? Is that how she normally speaks to people? I'd say that's pretty harsh. Maybe she didn't think you were there to hear her, and she was just venting her frustrations. Regardless, I'd recommend you try not to take it personally, because I get the impression she has some anger about other things. It's hardly your problem if she can't find a decent way to deal with it. And if she has issues with you, I'm sure you'd listen respectfully if she were to bring them up. I would have a hard time showing my face around their house much though. I think it would be uncomfortable, and my pride makes me refuse to be anywhere around people who act that way toward me. One thing you should be sensitive about. I know you don't want to hear this, but in the eyes of the entire world, you and he are still really young. And I'd be surprised to find out that all this sex you're having is going unnoticed. You might want to consider how that could affect her. Particularly in light of the fact that she has a pretty intense relationship with her son. You might think it's excessive, but that's something you're never going to change. Ever.
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 Ha...ohhhh no she wanted me to hear....she came barging into the spare bedroom where I was sleeping and said it TO me...I'm pretty sure that's classified as wanting me to hear....lol And no, it's not how she normally speaks to people...not at all. When she gets real mad she yells and screams the way she did to me, but never words it the way she did.... Apparently when I left, Rhys' little sister was telling me that she was walkign around the house going "F*ckin Tess, laziest thing that walked this planet....she's as bad as you Hannah (Rhys' sister).." I'm so sick of it all....I just want to have a night out with Rhys, just ONE night out where we can spend the night without his mother calling....or one DAY for that matter. I can understand her calling him if we're out in town or whatever...I probably would be a bit concerned but the fact is, caling at midday or whatever when we're just down the road clearing a few trees for a friend. We'll go on dirt bike rides and when we'll stop for lunch there'll be about 7 missed calls on his phone. All from his mum.... Yeah, I understand what you mean about the sex part....but that is another thing that annoys me. She always finds an excuse to bring up our sex life. It's really uncomfortable to have your parents talking about it. Whenever they come up to our house to have a few drinks, Shelly will always try to start talking about Rhys and I. And about our sex life. We are young, we have raging hormones, young couples usually do have sex quite a bit, am I wrong? I have a friends who has sex with her bf about 8 times a day.... Teens are borderline nymphos!! Lol But anyway, mum will tell me later on about how much Shelly was talking about it. Mum's like "I have to get up and walk away...I don't feel right discussing my daughter's sex life with her bf's parnets...it's not right" And its not. I know this is not the point and its not relevant, but I don't see us talking about her sex life?? BUt I know I know... Ugh....she prys waaaay too much. There's caring....and then there's obsessive.... Like I have said a few times, I'm glad to have a mother who calls just the once and RELEVANT times, just to check up, then that's it. She calls when I'm out somewhere far away, or of a night time when I'm out...not when I'm up the road at it's 10.30 in the morning or whatever....
HokeyReligions Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Does his mother see the chip on your shoulder? That could be why she is monitoring her son so close. She doesn't want him to get hurt. He still lives at home, is technically still a minor, and will always be her son. Age does play a big part - what caught my attention in this whole thread was not the context so much as your posting at 8:46 and upon not seeing an immediate reply posting this at 8:59: And now I'm guessing because I'm young, you are all going to talk to me like I'm a little kid, or more so, not even bother replying....that's cool...I get it all the time.... If you have a problem with his mother then talk to him about it, and talk to her about it too. If she tells you why listen and don't discard what she has to say if it doesn't mesh with what you want.
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 4, 2006 Author Posted September 4, 2006 Does his mother see the chip on your shoulder? That could be why she is monitoring her son so close. She doesn't want him to get hurt. He's not going to get hurt at all....there was never anything said about him getting hurt...I would never hurt him....never... I have never had anything against her for all the years we have known that family. She has never acted this way toward me, until now.... The fact all comes down to....a girl is never going to be good enough for a mother for her son. Guess I'll have to live with that..
RecordProducer Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 I am not so sure that it's the mothers who create mamma's boys. Children are not born as tabula rasa; they have genes, abilities, and affinities they are born with. I have twins and I claim that one of them I could easily turn into a mamma's boy if I wanted to. the other one has been independent since day one and he is a true male. He shows me how to do things and does things for me. The potential mamma's boy still wants me to feed him!!! He says food tastes better when I put bites in his mouth. I don't want them to be mamma's boys so I insist on Independence wherever it's possible. The kisses and cuddles they get all the time, but they make their own bed, clean the mess after them, choose their own clothes from the closet, take showers by themselves, and even take cereals and milk from the fridge quite often. Of course, Rhys does (some of) it by himself, too, but I am trying to make them NOT rely on me about everything. It's better for them to not depend on their mom. I trust in their future judgment about making decisions more than in mine. I don't want to choose their occupations and wives - I think they can do it better for themselves. But some mothers think they know best for their sons. Or maybe they KNOW they know best. My mamma's-boy son asks me which toy to buy. The other one chooses it in 3 minutes and knows that's exactly what he wants. If you marry Rhys or start living with him, what you can do is take charge of the relationship (make decision for both of you, spill orders to him, and basically wear the pants in the house. You can also tell her some day to stay away from your relationship and that she is putting her nose where it doesn't belong. But for as long as you're just dating, you can't do that. In any case, it's a difficult situation. It will take a lot of strength, maturity, and wisdom to beat his mommy in this battle. My mother says that he marriage with my dad fell apart because he was a mamma's boy. He still is. And they live next door.
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