How to leave?

[Guest]

Hi all,

 

Ah...where to start? I've been with my partner for over 6 years. I'm 26, so that is most of my adult life. We lived together for around 3 1/2 years but he moved out last year when I tried to end it. I am completely miserable but feel so stuck. Last year when I tried to break it off there were middle of the night phone calls every night, filled with tears. He also has issues with anger (not violent toward me, just objects...well, not physically violent toward me anyway!) which makes things even more difficult. I have been pushing my feelings of desperation down for so long, acting as if everything is okay, now I don't know how to leave him. I try to talk to him but he is incredibly skilled in the art of emotional manipulation. I try to tell him I'm unhappy, that it's not working and he pretty much just denies that it's true...blaming me and invalidating all my feelings. I also think I really censor myself with him...don't tell him the full extent of things I feel. I've been playing at things being 'okay' for so long that I don't know how to undo that. Sexually things are crap. I TRY and make myself interested with him...but should it really be that hard? He reckons he never even thinks of other people in fantasy which I find bizarre! I have some feelings for a guy at work and we've been tentatively seeing each other (really just hanging out) I don't want to pursue anything serious with this person but a reprieve from my partner is just so refreshing. I feel I can't talk to my partner about anything serious or that I care about...that he doesn't even really know me and I'm now at that point that I've created this version of myself with him that doesn't even feel like me if that makes any sense. I obviously care about him deeply and the fear of hurting him is terrible but how do you put your own happinesss first? I tried to talk to him the other day, saying things aren't working...that I'm not happy and he really just denies it and says it's because we don't spend enough time together etc. So I back down, hug him etc...How do you stop pretending that things are okay?

 

Lily

[Beee]

Hiya....

 

Unfortunately I don't have an answer to your problem but I just wanted to let you knwo I am in exactly the same situation... I am with a guy I don't want to be with anymore (and thats hard enough at accept as we've been together for 8 years) and I really can't face telling him and brekaing his heart....

 

Sorry, I can't provide advice, just wanted tot let you know you're not alone!

[lily80]

Okay. I was the person who posted the initial message and have since signed up. Hmm...any ideas would be greatly appreciated. But I guess all it comes down to is support as I know in the bottom of my heart what I have to do and what pain that is going to cause. But how best to deal with his attempts to change my mind?? I just don't know....Over the weekend he obviously sensed what I was feeling and attempted to be kind. I don't know how to respond to that and just start playing along again. Here is a list I made a year and a half ago (scary!) of reasons to leave. They all still apply and are now probably even more complex.

 

[FONT=Times New Roman]- I don’t like myself when I’m with him. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- I can’t talk to him about the things I care about.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- I can’t stand the way he swears at me and calls me names. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- He is inarticulate. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- I don’t connect with him on an intellectual level.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- It is far harder than it should be to even vaguely make things work.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- I don’t often look forward to seeing him.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- He doesn’t value the things I am passionate about.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- He doesn’t support me emotionally.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- Doesn’t act as my rock or my shelter.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]- I’m not physically attracted to him anymore[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT]

I still know all these things to be true yet for some reason can't make myself do anything! I just feel so stuck. How do you stop being so terrified of the fallout/hurting them and put your own happiness first? Just to pose a simple question here...haha!

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[jgaz3124]

Those are all very valid reasons that you should def. leave. I know its hard to put your happiness first when you care about someone but it must be done. Look at it this way if he loves you then he would want you to be happy. He is afraid of dealing with the pain thats why it is so hard to let go. That is his problem though and he may need to go to therapy to help deal with his problems. By him not letting you go and controlling how you feel is a very big form of abuse and now it is up to you to take a step back and let him know you are not going to deal with him anymore. But because he has a temper and a hard time letting you go make sure you are careful how you do it. And in all honesty I would recommand that you get therapy as well to help you with this. Once you do tell him go NC no matter what and if he stalks you, you may have to get a restrainting order. This is a bad situation all around and I wish you the best of luck. We are here for you. Now do what you have to do.

[Burdy]

Lily,

Reading your story, I can really identify with you as I'm in a similar sort of situation. I've been going out with my partner for 7 years and I'm 26. I triedt o break up with im last year but got back together after a day. I don't know why I got back with him, I think I got scared.

I've been friends with a guy for 10 years who has been living abroad on and off for a few years but now he is back and seems to have settled down and got a job. Since he's been back we have meet up a good bit, going out for drinks and stuff but it always has to be with others because my boyfriend and him hate each other.

I was away this weekend with all my friends and my friend was there with all his friends. He friend knows that I fancy him and kept on saying things to me like he won't break up a relationship etc. I told him how much I like his friend and I haven't heard from my friend since. I am dying to see him and just be with him. I've had feelings for him since the day I first met him when we were young teenagers. We kissed once years ago but we never told wach other how we felt.

I love my boyfriend a lot but wonder am I with him for the wrong reasons i.e. because I'm afraid to be on my own, because I think he can provide me with the life I want. The thing is my friend that I fancy has a different outlook on life and long term I don't know if we would be compatible. I'm so confused.

I keep telling myself to listen to my gut feeling as I think ultimately that is the right decision but I cant hear what my gut has to say. Like me, I think deep down you know what you have to do. Neither of us are getting any younger and I think it is make or break time. There is no point staying in the relationship for another few years, and then suddenly waking up at 30 and realising this is not where you want to be.

Best of luck...

Hi all,

 

Ah...where to start? I've been with my partner for over 6 years. I'm 26, so that is most of my adult life. We lived together for around 3 1/2 years but he moved out last year when I tried to end it. I am completely miserable but feel so stuck. Last year when I tried to break it off there were middle of the night phone calls every night, filled with tears. He also has issues with anger (not violent toward me, just objects...well, not physically violent toward me anyway!) which makes things even more difficult. I have been pushing my feelings of desperation down for so long, acting as if everything is okay, now I don't know how to leave him. I try to talk to him but he is incredibly skilled in the art of emotional manipulation. I try to tell him I'm unhappy, that it's not working and he pretty much just denies that it's true...blaming me and invalidating all my feelings. I also think I really censor myself with him...don't tell him the full extent of things I feel. I've been playing at things being 'okay' for so long that I don't know how to undo that. Sexually things are crap. I TRY and make myself interested with him...but should it really be that hard? He reckons he never even thinks of other people in fantasy which I find bizarre! I have some feelings for a guy at work and we've been tentatively seeing each other (really just hanging out) I don't want to pursue anything serious with this person but a reprieve from my partner is just so refreshing. I feel I can't talk to my partner about anything serious or that I care about...that he doesn't even really know me and I'm now at that point that I've created this version of myself with him that doesn't even feel like me if that makes any sense. I obviously care about him deeply and the fear of hurting him is terrible but how do you put your own happinesss first? I tried to talk to him the other day, saying things aren't working...that I'm not happy and he really just denies it and says it's because we don't spend enough time together etc. So I back down, hug him etc...How do you stop pretending that things are okay?

 

Lily

[lily80]

Hi Burdy...thanks for the support! I know noone else can give me the answer but your thoughts are appreciated. I just feel like I'm dying inside. When I start contemplating ending it I end up overthinking it...i.e. time, place, what to say...how to 'prepare' him etc...and it all just seems too difficult. I jut want to take the plunge.

[dame_mas]

hi there guys.i have to agree that breaking up isnot something that one can do easily-been there & done that too! but that does not mean that we have to drag on in a hurting relationship that is almost dying and trouble oneself. there is no end in this case for pain and miseries. i read something similar on another forum http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/3028-cant-actually-break-up-her-boyfriend.html

i dnt get it why people cnt just take things in their hands for once and just leave. i do know and agree that it gets hard, but dnt you realise that living with a dead relationship is harder and that once you have resolved to leaving, things might get easier each day?

[Beee]

I don't think staying in a "dead" relationship is the hardest thing to do. I am in one and whats stopping me is the thought of breaking my boyfirend's heart, of crushing him and causing so much pain. Thats whats stopping me from leaving. I care about him very much, and living with him is not hell, its just not fun any more. By fun I mean the fun times you ar meant to have when you share your life with a loved one.

He has become an incredibly good friend but the feelings just aren't there any more. I am not in a habit of putting myself first, he has always been number one for me and now its all very strange having people tell me to out my happinees first, and not worry about his feelings.

 

Also, I think after being in such a long relationshinp it becomes a matter of habit. We have been in our relationships for 6-8 years and we are all in our mid-20's which means we have been with the same person for our young adult life. Leaving our partners and turning to the unknown is scary. I have been thinking about this for months now, and am hoping that the more I think about it the less change will appear scary to me.

 

I hope this helps a little.... you're not alone!

[lily80]

Hi again Beee! Yes...I know what you mean about how scary the change seems. While I think about doing it...actually implementing that action plan seems impossible. I agree...maybe if we just keep thinking about it we'll get up the courage...either that or go completely nuts!

 

And a 'dead' relationship depends on whose perspective it is being viewed from. I'm stunned at the extent to which a person can delude themself into thinking things are good. From my partner's perspective things are good and he can see a future. For me I guess it's all about manage to tip the balance of the scales toward my happiness rather than avoidance of his pain.

 

But the thought of freedom makes me tingle a bit! Just being able to have space to breathe and to be me...I think that has to be my motivator.

[lily80]

And Beee...you're not a cancerian by any chance are you???? I'm not a believer in astrology really but you sound very similar to me!

[Shuffty]

First of all, can i just say this thread is like reading straight from my own brain, it's freaky!

 

I'm so glad i'm not the only one in this situation (apart from the time, it's only been three and a half years for me) it makes me feel less like a complete bitch for wanting to leave him, i have tried to do it twice, and caved twice, which is why i don't think i'm going to be much help I can't bear the thought of hurting him, when he's not really done anything, those feelings just aren't there anymore.

 

I keep saying to myself ' i CAN'T stay with someone i'm not attracted to just because i'm scared of hurting them (and because he owes me money, but that's neither here nor there...) it's pointless.'

 

Someone tell me i'm right.

 

I'm not trying to steal your thread or anything, it just surprised me that there ARE some people who know exactly how i'm feeling. It really helps guys.

 

Let me know if you get the courage, and i mean word for word so i can print it off and give it to him Save me the trouble.

 

Thanks.

[lily80]

Hi Shuffty,

 

It really is comforting (or depressing!) to know there are others out there in exactly the same boat.

 

Of course we're right...intellectually we know we should leave.

 

Haha...and of course you're not stealing the thread...just come on here and ramble. That's what I'm doing.

 

I know noone is going to have the 'answer' to our problem but I guess it can't hurt to talk it out.

 

Have others talked to their friends and family about their dilemma? One of my big problems is that I feel guilty talking to my friends about where I'm at because it's just so boring! They've been hearing of my unhappiness for so long that is must get exhausting.

[Shuffty]

I know exactly what you mean, i haven't really talked to anybody, my mum a bit, but not about what the real issue is (the attraction thing) i think that would be a bit uncomfortable:sick:

 

The problem with me is i don't want to talk to my friends because, as you say, i feel like it's boring and i don't want to be the friend that phones up to whinge all the time, but then i feel like when i'm with them i'm putting on a front and pretending everything's ok, know what i mean?

 

One of our issues is that i feel like we don't have fun together, when i tried to talk to my friend she went 'well me and my boyfriend are always being silly together...' i nearly went 'yeah you've only been together four months, come back to me in four years when you're sick of the sight of him'

 

I think i sell my friends short though, because they probably wouldn't mind talking about it, i would do it for them, and that's what friends are for, right? It's just not nice being the 'weak' one who always needs a shoulder. That's why i love this website, you can always let it out!

 

Can i ask, (open question) in relation to time scale, how long do you think you will stay before you get the courage to leave? Because i end up saying, i'll do it when he gets back/after the holidays/before Christmas and then never do it. I always seem to think 'well, i can do it whenever, i don't need to do it now' i know that's coz i'm scared, but i have a horrible feeling that's how i'll get stuck forever, help!

[lily80]

Hello again!

 

Yes...I know about not wanting to be the whinging friend! So I really do just try not to talk about...Except of late I have really been talking to everyone but my partner about my issues... I've also talked to my mum (not mom! I'm an aussie ) but she's very black and white about things and great at saying exactly the wrong thing!

 

How old are you and do you live together?

 

I know what you know about the not having fun issue. I look at some of my friends, even some of the ones that have been together for a long time and are in awe of how they can still be playful together. When I'm with my partner everything is so forced. Even conversation doesn't easily flow...I think that's partly because we're so different and I know he won't even understand what I'm saying and maybe partly because mentally I've stopped caring what he thinks or has to say.

 

When you say the 'attraction' thing is at the heart of your problem I think that's on multiple levels? Sexually, physically, emotionally, intellectually...and some elements of each of those have to be the glue in any relationship I guess.

 

Sorry this is a bit rambling!

 

I find the thought of freedom (well as much as we can have freedom anyway) exhilerating...but the distance between here and there...ugh...it just seems so far. But I think that has to be our motivator...securing future happiness.

 

And about timeframes...I know exactly what you mean, it's like that came out of my head! I keep thinking...'well I can't do it now because he's moving house/unhappy at work/having family issues/isn't prepared for it etc'. In the practical sense it would be so easy... just to say "I'm not happy and I know I don't want to spend my life with you"...but it's so hard! Read back on my posts...that list I made in Feb last year which is quite horrifying...and I was feeling like that long time even before that...

 

I keep saying...thinking "I could do it today" I could go around to his house and just do it...but as you said, I talk myself out of it by saying "I can do it whenever, I don't need to do it now"...but I've been saying that for years now...

 

Hmmm...I wish we could send private messages on here...

[rocklobster]

Hi I'm twenty and I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. I googled some stupid thought in my brain about my relationship and was sent to this site. When i read your story I felt as though I am in a slightly similar situation. I'm a hopeless romantic though, and can't see myself leaving my boyfriend because part of me still really wants my relationship with him to work. I know he feels the same. Like maybe we're done but he's not ready and I'm not ready to move on. It was then that i came to the conclusion that break ups can happen under several circumstances. Sometimes both people are ready to move on, and they realize that an end to the romantic part of their relationship is best. Other times one person can't let go for whatever reason. Sometimes neither person can let go. But the most common sort of break up, I think, is the kind where one person knows what it is they have to do to achieve their own happiness, without the other person being on the same page exactly, and has the difficult task of forcing them to move on by taking the initiative and ending things. Take it from a person that's probably on the same end as your partner, if anything will get done its gonna have to be on your end. Your partner is in denial. The best way to go about it is the most straight forward. Deep down your partner knows whats going on. After being with someone for so long how wouldn't they? But every day you stick it out is another day wasted with a person you no longer feel intimate with. Why continue to waste time when there are other oppurtunities for love and happiness out there? If your partner was your golden oppurtunity then you wouldn't feel the way you do. And to top it off he belittles your feelings and tries to make them feel invalid. Moving on isn't always the easiest thing to do. But from the looks of things you sorely need it. And it might do him some good too.

[lily80]

Well, I finally did it yesterday. I just had a moment of adrenaline and went with it. I went over to his house and told him...tears, screaming, swearing, accusations etc...the anger came a lot quicker than I thought it would. The hardest part is that I'm grieving too...but I have to act the cold hard bitch. But staying strong with all of his accusations...and his acting like this is easy for me is horrible. He has been constantly texting and calling which I have been ignoring. I simply sent him a message saying That now isn't the time to talk and I won't be replying. It's so hard...him being the person that I care about most in the most, but just know I cannot spend my life with him. Anyway...I've made it through 24 hours.

[swirly27]

Good luck to you Lily, I just wanted to pass along my thoughts and prayers to you. I can't imagine what this is and will be like for you, so I wish you ALL THE BEST!! Stay strong and do what you know is right in your heart and mind!!

[Lizzzy]

Oh my goodness lily, you have just described all that I am feeling. Here is the post that I made a while ago www.loveshack.org/forums/t95767/

 

You made a very brave decision and I applaud you. I really know how hard it is and I am still struggling with it all.

 

I love my partner very much and he is the whole world to me but your reasons for wanting to break up really rang true. I related to every single one of them.

 

I wish you all the very best of luck. I only hope that one day I can be as strong as you as I keep putting off "the talk" because I get the same reactions, he thinks that I am making mountains out of molehills.

 

Oh and by the way, I am a fellow Aussie

[Chris1479]

First of all, can i just say this thread is like reading straight from my own brain, it's freaky!

 

I'm so glad i'm not the only one in this situation (apart from the time, it's only been three and a half years for me) it makes me feel less like a complete bitch for wanting to leave him, i have tried to do it twice, and caved twice, which is why i don't think i'm going to be much help I can't bear the thought of hurting him, when he's not really done anything, those feelings just aren't there anymore.

 

I keep saying to myself ' i CAN'T stay with someone i'm not attracted to just because i'm scared of hurting them (and because he owes me money, but that's neither here nor there...) it's pointless.'

 

Someone tell me i'm right.

 

I'm not trying to steal your thread or anything, it just surprised me that there ARE some people who know exactly how i'm feeling. It really helps guys.

 

Let me know if you get the courage, and i mean word for word so i can print it off and give it to him Save me the trouble.

 

Thanks.

 

 

Do any of you people even consider trying to actually work things out and fix things?? No people are not psychic, no people do not always know exactly what is going on in your mind - the fact that some people on here just "don't feel the attraction" is something that CAN be worked on. The subject needs to be discussed openly and a) HE needs to remember the fun and likeably guy he was in the beginning of the relationship and b) YOU have to stop being quiet/caving in/looking for other guys as it is ultimately selfish and will do nothing but harm. The answer people seem to fly at 200mp/h to at the first hint of a problem is 'omg big dramatic breakup time!!! drama!'... No, truths need to be shared, the relationship needs to be worked on.

 

IF both sides have tried and IF both sides agree there is nothing else to be done, then yes it is time to draw a line under the whole thing and just no contact and move on in a civilised fashion.

[Rooster_DAR]

Okay girls, prepare yourself to get some input from your male counterpart who has been on the side your S/O is on now.

 

Assumptions:

• You were too young when you started a committed to a serious relationship
  
• You lack the understanding of what a true committed relationship consists of

Considerations:

• Can you live the rest of your life happy without your current partner?
  
• Have you put in the effort to bring back the romance in your relationship?

Quotes:

I look at some of my friends, even some of the ones that have been together for a long time and are in awe of how they can still be playful together.

 

This seems to be very common today, where people just get tired and bored of their situation and don't want to exhume any efforts to make a relationship work. Some of your posts eluded to the possiblity that there may be some emotional/verbal abuse issues with your B/F. If this is the case, you need to consider some options before you do the dirty work. If suspect they are capable of violence, I would suggest you have another party involved when you decide to end the relationship.

 

After careful consideration and analysis of your relationship, should you decide that the best thing for you is to end the partnership, do not put if off due to your inability to own up to your disposition. The only thing you are going to do is cause much more pain and resentment than ending it when you should have. By dragging things on and pretending things are okay, you only destroy the O/P’s dignity and hurt him/her more than you possibly could imagine. It will also continue to tear you apart, and may lead you becoming a person with no dignity, as well as lying or cheating before everything completely falls apart.

 

There is no easy way to end a relationship, but brutal honesty and openness will save the O/P from a long term issue with resentment and he will have much more respect for you after the initial pain is over. With that said, you need to understand that all relationships go stale, and if anybody tells you otherwise they are probably lying. Now to the quote:

 

 

You quoted:

I look at some of my friends, even some of the ones that have been together for a long time and are in awe of how they can still be playful together.

Don’t look at any friends that have not been together for more than at least 4 years. With that said, you don’t know what these people have experience, and there is a good chance that they understand and have what it takes to make a relationship work. It takes two people, not one of the couple to hope the other person will continue to make their relationship exciting. Never expect another person to make you happy, you must be happy with yourself. If you are both happy with yourself, that is a good starter. Next, you both must know how to communicate (and that means brutal honesty) your needs, and talk about anything and everything including what you expect out of the relationship to keep you happy.

 

Conclusion:

Relationships don’t just happen, there is no such thing as “the one” or “soul mate”, but instead is a partnership based on compatibility, attraction, communication, and the ability to understand what it is to build a lifetime commitment with someone you fall in love with. If you feel in love with your partner you are currently with, you can find that spark once again, or you can simply take a gamble and go where you think the grass is greener!

 

Roost

 

P.S. If you are going to break up with your man, do it now and give him the chance to find somebody that will love him for who he is.

[Beee]

Hey Lily, well done! I hope things are a little better for you now. How is freedom making you feel?

(By the way, although a little late, no I'm not a Cancerian, I'm Capricorn).

 

To Chris... yes a relationship is a partnership between 2 people. You share love, lust, fun and lots more. I have been with my partner for 8 years (on and off, last 2 and a half in a serious relationship) and up until April I was doing all the fixing, I was doing all the chasing and hard work. Until a freind showed me that my "demands" were not too much to ask. Shouldn't my partner want to spend time with me? yes, even if it is doing boring, daily things like food shopping? if you do it in 2 you can have silly moments together. After spending the best part of a year and a half asking for him to come and share some of the boring, daily things with me and getting a "but its just so boring answer" I noticed that there are other people who want to spend time with me regardless if its doing something fun or just something that needs doing.

This someone else is a goodf riend I have known for 8 years, so its not the excitment of someone new.

 

After having spent such a long time "fighting" for this relationship you get tired of trying to climb a mountain and never reaching the peak.... I didn't just wake up one morning and decide that I was bored with my current relationship and really counldn't be bothered to put the effort in. It has been a very painful time.

 

To Rooster,

I have to agree with you about one point. It seems we were all very young when we started these serious relationships. My partner and I have spent most of our adult lives togther, sharing experiences and evolving. It is very hard to stay together past this time as I realise that people do change drastically during this delicate period.

 

As for my story, I still havn't found the courage to make a clean break. I wake up one morning (like today) and think, maybe we could work things out. He says he loves me and will do anything to make it work... maybe he has realised how stuck our relationship was and maybe it can work.... but then there are other days when I just don't feel IN love.... I care so so much about him, but can't bring myself to loving him the way I did.

 

Anyway, sorry for the ramble on

[Shuffty]

Hey Lil,

 

Sorry, i wasn't ignoring you, i just can't always get access to a computer.

 

Well done for doing it, it needed doing, i suppose that's what i have to do, just go with the adrenaline, and not let him talk too much because he always ends up guilting me back into it, i know he's not meaning to but that's what it feels like.

 

Hope you're coping ok, at least you can start looking forward now. Updates please, don't forget us!

x x

 

And Chris1479, not entirely sure why you quoted me, i never said people where psychic, or that i wanted a big dramatic break up, or that i was looking for other guys. Did you just want any old quote so you could make your point that we're all selfish drama queens?

 

And... 'IF both sides agree there is nothing else to be done..' So is it ok for me to break up with him, or do i have to wait for him to give me the go ahead?

[lily80]

Okay...I haven't replied on here for a few days. I skimmed the posts from Chris and Rooster and just got a little upset and stopped reading. I am now going to go back and read others properly and post again!