FallenPetals Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 I am having the hardest time with my six year old daughter. Back last year when I put her in kindergarden, starting out she was fine, she went everyday with no fuss, but in the middle of the year she didn't want to go anymore. Kept crying and fussing and causing a lot of problems with the teacher, not behavorial problems, but crying so much that the teacher could not console her and it was disturbing the classroom. Also she pulled out tons of her hair last year causing a medium sized bald spot on the top of her head. Finally we had to take her out of kindergarden since we felt that maybe she wasn't ready. This year she was so excited to see school coming. She helped get her supplies and her uniforms. Then we find out she couldn't start because she was missing two shots. She had a lot of respiratory illness while young and so we were behind. We got her the shots and then she started the next day. That first day she was so excited that she didn't even want to hug or kiss. The second day she woke up crying and saying she didn't want to go. I didn't understand at all and couldn't grasp that the same child loved it when she was there yesterday but doesn't today? So today when I took her the same thing, crying in the car all the way. Fussing she didn't want to "leave mommy", I'm so heartbroken for her but at the same time it's completely frustrating. Anyone else have these problems? What can be done or what did you do? I can't homeschool her because of work and we can't just take her out because she needs a education and it's the law. I want her to succeed in life and I want to help but I'm clueless as to how. I stay solid in the car but warm. I don't give other options as to raise her hopes of maybe getting what she wants. However I'm not cold to her. After I drop her off however I feel like a horrible parent. I'm in desperate need of some advice. Thankyou in advance.
norajane Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 It sounds like she is having separation anxiety. I don't know if any way to handle that other than what you have been doing. Have you asked her (or her teacher) if she is getting picked on by the other students? Sometimes kids can be very mean to each other for no good reason. Maybe if she can make at least one friend in her class it would be easier? Perhaps you could have a little party for her class and invite everyone to your house, she could get to know the students and feel less anxious?
Author FallenPetals Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 Thanks for replying, yeah she's made friends, she's not being picked on. I was thinking that if it becomes a regular thing for long that I'll set up a meeting with the school counselor to try and arrange some counseling for her and get to the bottom of it. I was thinking that it could be separation anxiety as well, though I can't give her the options she wants and think that really upsets her the most. I was just looking for suggestions to handle it without possibly going to the school counselor I want to use that as a last resort. She seems to be doing real well in school as well. Get's good grades and she's good behaviorial wise. In fact I get notes from my son's teachers saying that he talks too much and is always in trouble, with her I get notes from her teacher saying she's "Too Quiet" and doesn't talk enough. She's always been a very polite, respectful, and quiet child. She makes friends easily. I'm just at a loss as to what to do to make the mornings go smoother. This morning when I dropped her off she was bawling and didn't want to get out of the car, but there was a line already piling up, I had to almost force her to get out. It was not a good scene and I felt horrible.
norajane Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 If your school has a counselor, why not get her/him involved? I think the sooner this issue is explored, the sooner it might be resolved. I'd also suggest talking with her teacher and finding out more about what happens in classes and recess. There's something at the bottom of this, and she might have some insights on what to do about the problem. Teachers have a lot of experience in dealing with things like this and might have some advice; your daughter isn't the only to have gone through it. Have you tried rewarding her for good grades, or for learning something new? Nothing major, just little things like extra playtime with her, or maybe you can bake together or do other little projects where she gets to spend extra time with you? Perhpas set up a special place in your house where you put up her schoolwork or art? Maybe if she can associate school with positive things, it would help. Or maybe she's afraid of being a 'big girl' and going to school because she associates growing up with something else that has a negative connotation for her?
Author FallenPetals Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Yes I have rewarded her and I've done the extra spending time together with her. The whole counselor issue is that I hate to bother other people with something that I figure I should be able to fix on my own. The counselor is a nice lady. I know her well, my eleven year old son went to school there for three years. I've tried to talk to my daughter's teacher and she's a little standoffish. A sweet lady but always acts like she's too busy for anything. I've thought about sitting in and auditing the class to see what goes on throughout the day and I'm not so sure that would be acceptable to the school, though I'm also good friends with the principal so I guess I could ask and take it from there. You know she's had a lot of weird questioning for me lately. Asking me if one day I'm going to die, I don't answer directly for fear it would agitate the behavior, I simply change the subject subtly and she seems to keep asking. I don't know why she's all of a sudden been like this. She says she wants to go to summer camp with her brother, she wants to go to school, she wants friends but she can't be without me for too long or she has massive bouts of crying. I'm not sure what it is going on then good ole fashioned separation anxiety. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I was on the long or shall I say hellish commute home from work. I appreciate your suggestions. It's trying for me. She doesn't do this with her father.
Roo Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 A few questions and suggestions: Has your child ever been apart from you for any extended peroid before? *Outside of your home? *With a caregiver that was not a very farmiliar person? Do you have a routine for the child in the morning? *are you rushed getting out of the house *have you had time to have a conversation with the child? Does your daughter sleep well? *Does she sleep 10-12 hours? *Does she toss and turn, talk,walk, or yell in her sleep? Does your child have a lovie? *a stuffed toy or blanket that brings her comfort? *did she have one as a younger child? was it difficult to break the habit? At school, do you go in with her? *do you wait until she's comfortable there before you leave? How have you handled the actual moment of seperation/ what is her disposition at the time? What sorts of things was she doign last year when you pulled her out of school. And finally honestly pulling her hair out is pretty sever I honestly think you SHOULD take advantage of the school counselor, or perhaps even a private one. here's a few links for you: http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/anxiety/children_separation_anxiety.asp http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+Who+Won't+Go+to+School+(Separation+Anxiety)§ion=Facts+for+Families http://www.ilresources.com/articles/seperationanxiety.htm Good luck for you and your little one when you get to the bottom of this and she can conquer it you'll both feel better.
Roo Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 First of all - this is not run of the mill anxiety. it could be that she just has a heightened sensitivity to it, or there might be something that was traumatic for her that triggered it that you are unaware of, or unaware that it was so traumatic for her. Secondly - thats the counselors job, and it's not your job as her mother to be able to fix everythign in the world, and it is not a failure on your part as her mother if you need help, what would be failing her would be to neglect to get her the help she needs because you are worried about feeling like a failure. Thirdly - you mention she does not do this with her father, are you still married? is he able to drop her off at school? has this been tried? Were you the primary caregiver at home with her, did she attend any form of preschool? What was her life and routine prior to school?
Author FallenPetals Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 A few questions and suggestions: Has your child ever been apart from you for any extended peroid before? *Outside of your home? *With a caregiver that was not a very farmiliar person? Do you have a routine for the child in the morning? *are you rushed getting out of the house *have you had time to have a conversation with the child? Does your daughter sleep well? *Does she sleep 10-12 hours? *Does she toss and turn, talk,walk, or yell in her sleep? Does your child have a lovie? *a stuffed toy or blanket that brings her comfort? *did she have one as a younger child? was it difficult to break the habit? At school, do you go in with her? *do you wait until she's comfortable there before you leave? How have you handled the actual moment of seperation/ what is her disposition at the time? What sorts of things was she doign last year when you pulled her out of school. And finally honestly pulling her hair out is pretty sever I honestly think you SHOULD take advantage of the school counselor, or perhaps even a private one. here's a few links for you: http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/anxiety/children_separation_anxiety.asp http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+Who+Won't+Go+to+School+(Separation+Anxiety)§ion=Facts+for+Families http://www.ilresources.com/articles/seperationanxiety.htm Good luck for you and your little one when you get to the bottom of this and she can conquer it you'll both feel better. No she's never really been away from me for any extended time, including when she was little. That may be some of the problem. Not rushed, we do have a routine, I wake up first and watch thirty minutes of the news in peace and quiet then I wake her and her brother up and we all watch cartoons and talk about what they do at school. I then pull out their clothes for them and they get ready. I brush and fix my daughters hair and remind her to make sure she has everything she needs in her backpack. She does sleep well, we (husband and I) have set up a time for them to be in bed and it's at 9 pm. No exceptions. At least during the schooldays. On weekends we allow them to stay up until eleven. Yes she has a stuffed pink pig she sleeps with at night "piggie". She loves the thing. She says it's her protect pig. I use to go in with her, but due to all the crying children in the mornings the school has asked us not to come in anymore. To drop them off in the line where the teachers take them and put them inside the school cafeteria until the bell rings. I have handled it, she is still very tearful. Doesn't want to leave me behind. Keeps saying through sobbing "but I'm attached to you". I calm her down and people are so rude in the line, they start laying on their horns and the teachers get frustrated at us for taking up so much time. Last year when I pulled her out she was pulling her hair out. That's when I drew the line. Plus she said her teacher was mean to her. I got with that principal ( I have since moved to the old school district again), and we sat in a three way conference (her kindergarden teacher, the principal and I). They decided that the teacher was not mean and that I should pull my daughter out, which I did. I was thinking the same thing that pulling her hair out was pretty severe. I love her dearly. To me she is priceless and so is her mental well being and happiness.
Roo Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Because it is a new environment I think asking to sit in a few days for the duration until she seems comfortable there is well within a reasonable thing to ask.. but look at the first link I gave you it has a WEALTH of suggestions. other than that I would say try adding more accountability and responsibilty to her routines at home am and pm, tell her when she does these things that she's so grown up, what a big girl etc. I'll keep following and if anything else you post gives me a thought I'll be sure to shout it out, I went to school to teach myself, although I do not teach I spend a LOT of time and always have with children, and I've been farily lucky with my attempts to work with them on similar issues in the past, although not quite so severe. I'll be thinking of you and your little one..
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